About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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January 28, 2009
Hm, let’s see … ordered three prescription refills, sent off four more applications, had a wildly hormonal friend yell at me for not depending on her, this week. Uh, said friend is a self-admitted flake, by the way, so it sort of makes sense not to depend on her for y’know, dependability. I love her to death, would take a bullet for her, but dude. I’m not an idiot.
Except I am. When it comes to my family, I’m a complete moron.
We had what was possibly the world’s worst Chinese New Year’s Eve dinner on Sunday. Within 15 minutes, my brother had left the table under harassing verbal abuse fired by my mom, my dad was more than peeved that my mom wouldn’t stop, and I finished my dinner standing by the sink because I was a millisecond away from losing it completely.
It’s NYE! You’re supposed to at least pretend to be nice! Yes, she’s sick, and mentally unbalanced a lot of the time, but … I just expected it to be no more than normal gripery. I hoped. Instead, it was ratcheted up about four notches, and I ended up sobbing, on my knees, in my room 20 minutes after sitting down to dinner, mourning my broken family.
Tonight, I figured out that I’m no better at this than they.
Apparently my rat of a brother told my mom that I think she doesn’t love me. Oh, for heaven’s sake. It’s way more complicated than that. Of course she loves me, it’s just that she’s so infrequently herself anymore that it’s like I don’t have a mom anymore. That, and we’ve had incidents where she made nasty comments about how she can do whatever she wants because I don’t have feelings. I know she’s not in her right mind when she does and says things like that. Or I know after the fact, but it still hurts to see my mom’s face, hear my mom’s voice, and believe that those are her thoughts. Instead, I try to understand that this isn’t my mom anymore, there’s got to be some way to hold on to my rationality. Sometimes she is, but so rarely that it hurts less to think of her as someone else during those episodes.
Hearing that I thought she didn’t love me, she approached me and tried to tell me she did love me. And what did I do? I freaked out and said I couldn’t talk about it.
It’s complicated. I don’t know why I couldn’t just say, “I know,” hug her, and let it be. It might be because she started in on all the reasons things should be fine now and I shouldn’t think “like that.” She tried to tell me that she’s fine, that she knows they couldn’t have survived this long without me, that she tried for as long as she could to work – even sick – to help me support the family.
Firstly, we’re not “fine,” and having her so sick she can’t hold a job anymore does not equal “getting what I wanted!” I wanted her to stop working, get well, start working. Not work to near-death! Not to mention the screwy dynamics in which either parent will bend the truth as necessary so force me to be happy. Never mind the fact that forthrightness and good health are all I’m asking for. And a little cooperation.
But the kicker was that last comment, that got me right in the gut. That is exactly why I’ve been so upset with her for so long. I’d begged, pleaded, and argued with her to take care of her health for years; I knew that the pittance she could earn meant nothing to me if her health failed. Her marriage was changing, too, she was angry with my dad for all his mistakes and all his bad decisions, and insisted on expounding on all the negative things she felt he did to her, literally every chance she got. It was the Worst.
Again, I begged, pleaded, that she concentrate on her health, exercising, eating better, resting. And she refused. She refused my help with her diet, she refused my concern about her diabetes, she refused to listen. She insisted that she was right, dammit, and that she needed to worry, fuss and tizzy. And refused to take care of herself, determined to sacrifice herself to the last for the family. Except it never works that way, does it? She didn’t go down in a final, noble flame, she didn’t come back on her shield, she simply … broke. She went from a strong, smart, clever role model, to a hand-wringing, anxious, physically sick, out-of-her-mind dependent, seething with anger and resentment.
Somewhere between her eventual breakdown and now, my dad finally stepped up and started to take care of her and her medical needs. But before that happened, I lost my mother to his multitude of mistakes, and her self-inflicted maelstrom of negativity. To survive day to day, I had to divorce myself emotionally from them, and from her. And of course, that hurt her even more.
And I keep hurting her, the more distance I put between us, but I can’t close the gap yet. I should. I need to. But I …. can’t.
Things I wish I’d done in the last five years:
1. Started a CD ladder. Even if it were just a little thing with a few hundred per step, I wish I’d realized that I wouldn’t need everything in the e-fund immediately.
2. Contributed more to the Roth: it’s the only investment I have that’s doing well in this market.
3. Applied for a job in San Diego in the comic book industry two years ago. I was afraid to take the leap and it would been really cool to have a foot in that door.
Conversely, I’m glad that I did not:
1. Go straight into grad school out of college. Not only would I be in debt, I wouldn’t have known what my professional strengths and likes/dislikes were.
2. Continue to bail out my brother. Telling my brother that his free ride was OVER might have been painful for me to say, unbelievable for him to hear, and shocking for fellow bloggers to read, but it was past time that he started to grow up. Of course, my decision alone didn’t matter until he’d hit rock bottom, but it was the right thing to do at the right time.
3. Let go of my responsibilities before I was ready, as some friends encouraged me to do. They just worried about me, but my OCD attachment to PF over the years has been a blessing in this blog, the friends I’ve made through the community and the knowledge I’m able to use and share.
While washing my hands this morning, I had two long term goals occur to me:
1. In the job after next, I would like to be earning a six figure income.
2. And I want to save half of that income. My portfolio/net worth would be SO awesome!! Muahahha…..
Anybody else reflecting on their dids and didn’ts lately? Care to share?
January 27, 2009
For now, anyway. The Driver’s Edge card is one of my most rarely used credit cards, but it came out recently for the window/lock repairs and covered a good $160 of the $180 mechanic bill.
Unfortunately for me, the due date was on January 1st and I completely flubbed the payment. Don’t ask how, I can only blame the stupidity that is my complete confidence that I wouldn’t forget to look at my planner in the middle of a 2 week holiday break. Yep, totally thought that one through.
Of course, I incurred a cute little $15 fee and a finance charge on top of that (83 cents) for the pleasure of using my rebates (and being stupid, yes). For about a week I considered just paying it and keeping my mouth shut because one, it was totally deserved, and two, it’s not a $29 fee.
Luckily, I came to my senses and gave them a call. I didn’t lie, I just asked if they would waive the fee. In under two minutes, the CSR cheerfully waived both the fee and the finance charges and sent me on my way.
It’s awfully nice that they’re still willing to waive fees so easily, considering the straits the company is in, and I thoroughly appreciate it. After all, every penny counts in this economy!
Besides, after paying a huge stupid tax via the towing fees and associated pain, I’d like a little credit for having paid some dues. š
January 26, 2009
and prices. Whooo, the prices!
I don’t know how frequently I’ve talked about getting life insurance, separate from my employer-sponsored plan, but I’m pretty sure I called last March the month of insurance. What a liar.
Well, it took me two days to get my butt in gear THIS time, but I’ve finally requested quotes from a variety of companies, and they really run the gamut.
I started with looking for companies with higher ratings on A.M. Best, but that kinda just confused me, and wasn’t terribly fruitful. I came up with the following: AAA (wouldn’t give me an online quote), Mercury (doesn’t do life insurance), Wawanesa (also doesn’t do life insurance), Commerce West (again, same story).
Finally, I just gave up on the A.M. Best angle, clearly that was going about things backwards. It was time for known quantities and Googling. Mostly Googling because not many of my friends have life insurance. I also wasted about 30 minutes lecturing a friend about how important life insurance was; it’s not hypocrisy, she’s pregnant! With a child. Life insurance is critical! Of course, I’ve got dependents already, so why was I still on the phone and not getting quotes? Right right.
So, friends: one gal has her policy through Farmers, but “it was through hubby’s friend, and I don’t know if I got a good deal.” And work: provides life insurance through Prudential. Good enough, I started with those two companies and worked up quotes for both.
The baseline information was: 26 yr old Female, short, thin, non-smoker with no family history of cardiovascular disease, cancer, etc., for a 30-year Term policy for $2 million.
Honestly, that number was initially just a randomly chosen number, but after I used a few calculators to estimate my family’s insurance needs given existing debt (I don’t have any but the padres do), living expenses for 20 years (my people can be long-lived), and existing savings, it came extremely close to that $2 million. Crazy, huh?
And I chose term life after reading so very many articles arguing the merits of term versus whole life insurance. Jim at Blueprint for Financial Prosperity explains the differences here. Most term policies have the option of converting to a whole life policy, but I’m not certain that’s really necessary. Then again, I might be looking at this wrong: with auto insurance, I’m accustomed to shopping around and being able to replace my existing policy at any given time. That’s probably not the case with life insurance, you probably don’t want to have to be re-insured at a later time in life because, theoretically, you’re going to be facing higher rates. Then again, the rates can be pretty high just for term, I’m not sure I could afford whole life.
Anyway, the quotes ranged pretty wildly.
The lowest bid came from Prudential: $965 per year.
The others came in at $1000/yr (Midwestern), $2400/yr (Farmers), $1500/yr (Liberty Life), $1300-2700/yr (State Farm).
All the above companies were fairly highly rated, they’re all at least A ratings, with a Stable indicator. Of course, most of the ratings were from last spring so there’s certainly a chance that they aren’t doing as well now.
Now that I’ve taken that first step, and requested a few applications, I’m not really sure how to choose. I feel the need to do more research on the actual policies: coverage, restrictions, etc. Also, it’d be great if I could select a company that provides both auto and life coverage for a discount.
In any case, if I plan to pay the annual fee in full, though, the insurance fund is going to need a boost. Just at the wrong time, too!
Has anyone else gone through this selection process or care to share what sort of life insurance you have?
January 25, 2009
And no, I’m not crazy, Dish Network retention services department guy. My time is worth more than …. nothing!
Finally called Dish today, for what seems like the 875th time in the last year and a half. Their website keeps sending Yodlee bills for a total of $46.37 at last check, while never actually allowing me to view any bills or statements. This annoys the heck outta me because I should be getting free service for at least another 8 months! The previous 870 calls were about actual statements I was receiving in the mail for services I kept trying to cancel; this is a new twist in their game.
It turns out that the amount is a credit on the account to offset the automatic billing of $10.81/month, but I’m fed up with my budget tracking getting screwed up by the errant billing every month. And we don’t use it anyway, so I asked Nick to, please, just cancel the account.
“You …. want to cancel your free cable?”
“Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but please please cancel it. I’ve spent WAY too much time on the phone with your CSRs, not that they weren’t perfectly nice, but waaay too much phone time has been wasted over this account.”
“Um, ok, if you’re sure….”
So that’s it. A box should be sent out, a neck will be risked to remove the thingy from the roof, and they’ll stop telling Yodlee I owe them money. I hope.
January 24, 2009
This was originally posted on January 18th, but I’ve updated for self-taggers.
Alright, I’ve got to stop rumor-mongering because making blog-buddy Bart of A Certain Je Nes Sai Quoi nervous means I get tagged. Because it’s my lazy Sunday and I’m really tired, I’m keeping them at Bart’s 4 instead of the original 8. I know you’re fine with that.
4 Things I’m Passionate About:
- Reading
- Learning
- Food
- Relationships
4 Words or Phrases I Use Often:
- Dude…
- Seriously?
- “He like blondes. Chubby ones.”
- Owww…I’m so out of shape!!
4 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
- Explore the world.
- Make sure my family’s been taken care of.
- Run a good animal rescue.
- Learn to speak Italian, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, French, German and Portuguese fluently. (Or at least three of the above)
4 Things I Have Learned From the Past
- I’ve been known to speak in haste. It’s funnier when other people do it.
- It’s better to ask questions and learn than stay silent and hope for the best.
- I’m really a bad cook. Much better at baking and eating.
- Helping other people is always easier than doing the same task for myself.
4 Places I Want to See or Visit
- New Zealand & Australia (combo trip)
- Austria
- Italy
- Himalayas
4 Favorite Restaurants
- Thai Kitchen
- Mi Piace
- There’s a Shanghai dumpling place in SF … that I don’t know the name of.
- Gyro cart in NY š
4 Things that Happened Yesterday
- We tried Fish & Farm in the Tenderloin. Delish.
- Random napping.
- Woke up really early.
- Decided to try a Neutrogena skin product instead of Clean & Clear.
4 People I Tag
January 21, 2009
Mmm, I knew there was likely to be quite a few people taking advantage of the free make-up being disbursed due to this lawsuit, but I know someone who is really pushing the envelope, and bragging all over the place about it, to boot.
Having already made her rounds of one mall yesterday with a young teenager in tow, they collected 16 free items, and she plans to make another round of two malls tomorrow with the goal of picking up at least another 32 free perfumes and make-up items.
When someone else in line was told they couldn’t come through the line more than once, she encouraged this person to go through multiple times, belligerently and challenging the sales clerks as if they were in the wrong for enforcing the rules of the disbursement. She herself was looking for a fight, saying that “if the sales clerk picked on her? She would create a ruckus, cause the line to be shut down, and threaten them with a lawsuit for discriminating against her because she’s black.”
All because she has a “right” to collect as much free stuff as she wants. That’s it. As she tells it, she’s not giving the stuff away to charity, to friends, to family, to anyone in “need.” She just wants to get as much as she wants to get.
Um, what?
I’m not sitting here saying that corporate giants can’t absorb the cost of the products, they’re required to give away $175 million worth of make-up after all, it’s the whole point of this giveaway. But threatening a lawsuit? Harassing the sales clerks, glaring at them and giving them the evil eye on someone else’s behalf? Accusing people of racism when it’s got nothing to do with the issue at hand? All because you “need” more free stuff?
That just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. There’s real racism out there, and real issues to be talked about. There’s something wrong about using those hot-button words just to enable greed.