About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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October 3, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 192: Mondays are always hard with the combo of solo-parenting plus working but today my brain decided to up the ante with stress nightmares that woke me at 3 am and then the pain kicked in at high force so I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours. Ruff. PiC took the kids in the morning so I could rest a tiny bit longer at least. He also ended up staying home to help me get through the day.
*****
This post landing in my inbox was perfect timing. I’d recently gone through a pile of foreign currency and was pondering how to exchange it all: HOW TO EXCHANGE OLD BRITISH POUNDS FROM THE U.S.
I wonder if I can do the same with other foreign currency.
*****
Year 3, Day 193: A most annoying discovery: our wood underbed storage can’t be in contact with fabric or it’ll start to mildew. Mildew EVERYWHERE. I gathered all the jumbo bags that came our way over the years and put everything I’d begun to store there in sealed plastic bags, but it’s still not enough for that space to be truly useful. Grump. I avoid accumulating new plastic wherever possible but it doesn’t seem avoidable in this case. Either we don’t use the space I need at all or we buy more jumbo plastic bags. It’s not a tall space, it’s about 6-8 inches tall, so bins won’t fit. I’m sitting on a Target order in hopes there’s a better idea that will come.
***** (more…)
September 30, 2022
1. I adore my soot sprites bag, a birthday present from a dear friend. It holds exactly everything I need for our twice daily dog walks..
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September 27, 2022
I’ve been cycling through two bras, a pair of laughably torn jeans, and a handful of tees that still fit, all to put off the effort of clothes shopping that I hate so much. When we picked up a a sack of random hand me downs for JB, it also came with a bag of hand me downs for me! Five pairs of usable jeans, two bras and three nicer tee-blouses.
The abundance was greatly appreciated, it filled the three big gaps in my wardrobe and also compounded my chagrin. Because I’ve been staring at my wardrobe for months trying to figure out how to fix the problems in there.
Pregnancy and post-pregnancy life blew up my wardrobe. I added 3 pairs of light soft pants and 4 pairs of comfy warm sweats, and 3 skirts from early pregnancy. I hated buying clothes to fit my pregnant and uncomfortable body, knowing that I’d be facing this very problem, but I needed something to wear. I also own more sweaters and jackets than seems sensible for one person but I wear most of them, in a rotation.
There’s probably enough for a different outfit for 14 days if I were so inclined. Since I’m not, it feels like I’m holding onto too many clothes.
That feeling means there’s no room for adding anything I like and would find useful unless I get rid of a lot first. Skirts on hot days instead of shorts is a recent development. My one skirt fits better than any of my shorts and the pockets are AMAZING. So I’d like a second twirl skirt. But adding anything to this mishmosh is counter-intuitive. Also, am I going to be a non-shorts person going forward? OR will I regret donating the shorts and going to skirt-based hot day gear?
Then there are the pieces I don’t wear at all.
The marigold blouse and the crimson tank top, tailored to fit my pre-child self perfectly under a blazer I also never wear, are looking at me accusingly. I want them to go to a better home, I’m never going to fit them again, but being a weird size means I haven’t got anyone to give them to and selling them is nearly impossible. Donating means they’ll probably be thrown out and that makes me sad. I don’t want to contribute to landfill. But the current alternative is they live in my closet forever. Ideas? I thought about thredup but they won’t take any altered.
I won’t ever be a three outfit person nor do I want a walk in closet. I just want my wardrobe to be small and functional without feeling like it’s too much or too little. I’m happiest running a little lean, somewhere in the middle. JB used to say, Daddy’s the biggest, I am the smallest, and Mommy is the mediumest. This describes what I want my closet to reflect perfectly.
Writing this shed a touch of clarity on what I should do next. But this also raised a handful of questions:
It would be helpful to establish what goes with what else and shedding the things that don’t work as part of an outfit. Is anyone good at this?
– I had decided to clear out all bottoms without pockets: shorts, leggings, skirts. I’ll always need pockets. This is also true of my dresses. I won’t buy any dresses or skirts or pants without pockets. This was easy when it came to the shorts that I don’t usually wear BUT I have a few pairs of good quality leggings that I’m puzzling over. Great quality, but no pockets. Do I keep them even if I’m much less likely to wear them? Does less likely mean not at all likely? No pockets is a dealbreaker for anything new, and I haven’t touched them since I could probably fit in them again post-second pregnancy, so is it logical to assume that I have moved on from them?
– White jeans. These fit the best of the hand me downs and are so comfortable with great pockets. But they’re white. I have two kids and a dog. I am not a parent who can resist getting down in the dirt with any of them, even if I myself were a neat person to begin with (I’m not). I could probably wear these on vacation in specific settings. Is it worth holding on to a pair of jeans just for the occasional vacation? Seems silly. I know friends who buy clothes specifically for vacations. Is holding on to a single pair of jeans just for “special occasions” any different?
– A couple of sweatshirts that went with those leggings that also haven’t been touched since before second pregnancy. They could be useful? Except again I haven’t touched them since unearthing them from the pregnancy box … I think I just answered my own question there.
I am working through some of the pieces by writing this post but overall, I have very few answers as to what would make my closet feel like it’s what I need. Could someone could come make my closet make sense?
September 26, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 185: Today, the timing worked out better for me to take Smol Acrobat for their PCR test so off we went early to the test. I’d wondered how it’d go. They have been very resistant to nose swabbing for a few weeks and we’ve tried to help them by doing our COVID tests in front of them to pique their interest. They’ve been interested enough to ask to swab themself the last few days, so while they mildly objected to today’s test, they didn’t fight it. Whew. I also appreciated the person at the gas station who commented that the pump I’d pulled up to didn’t work, just wait a minute for him to finish, and the other person at the stop sign that waved me through when we arrived at the same time.
Tiny things but little pips of positivity that I’m absorbing to offset the day we have: COVID, early school dismissal, taking JB to a new afternoon class four days this week.
*****
“You really are insane, you know that,” Schmidt said, after a moment.
“I always think it’s funny when people get told what they are by other people,” Wilson said. “As if they didn’t already know.”
From Scalzi’s The Human Division. Sometimes we don’t, though! Sometimes we have buried our deepest selves under a narrative that we can live with because we’re not able or ready to face who and what we are yet.
Related to this: Sometimes the Okini coordinators say nice things when we finish up a complex family’s needs and it makes me feel guilty. Like, I shouldn’t be thanked. I shouldn’t do this for thanks! I don’t do it for thanks. But I don’t know why I feel guilty for unsolicited thanks.
*****
Year 3, Day 186: Smol was apparently exposed to COVID last week. Their 5 day testing date was on Sunday but because the hospital didn’t do any PCR tests on Sunday, we had to take it on Monday.
We lost a precious daycare day today because Smol’s PCR test results didn’t come back negative until the afternoon. Our back up plan, their morning RATs, came back with faint positive lines. Both of them! Argh. It was altogether strange, the testing situation, and quite annoying to lose a paid for daycare day.
*****
I had an unsettling thought today: Offline, I keep my complaints to myself. This was a defensive tactic. Sharing my discontent was a weakness that would be exploited by at least one asshole in my life (generally my brother). But what if not allowing complaints as an adult has meant depriving myself of even the notion that I could get help? This should have occurred to me much sooner given how, if I finally was overburdened enough to complain at work, my boss would only then actually KNOW that I needed help and offer support. Duh?
*****
Reading this book to Smol, I was struck by how much I hated this sentiment:
I deeply love and miss my quiet time during the day, when I’d usually get all my work and household management and money work done. I love my solitude, even as I love time with my family in non-pandemic amounts. But I hate the anticipatory feeling or expectation that once the kids have grown and left, I’ll feel empty and alone in a way that isn’t particularly happy.
I suspect my underlying fear isn’t that I’m not a full person without the kids, but rather I’m not a full person because of my limitations. The kids mask the real problem by keeping me too busy to care as much how broken and like half a person I feel. Bet you $5 that if I didn’t recognize this problem, I’d become that controlling parent that expects her kids to keep her fulfilled and busy because she can’t do that on her own. I know a few of those moms (who are much older and still don’t have lives of their own). I mostly see that in moms I know, because dads still get to have their own lives even if kids are in the picture and moms “have to” sacrifice everything, even their personhood, to motherhood. I don’t want that.
But it feels like I’ve lost much of it anyway to my physical limitations and that’s both sad and scary.
Year 3, Day 187: Smol Acrobat had a really good dropoff, no tears, just a little distress but a manageable amount. My heart feels so much less burdened by this. They’re (mostly) eating ok, they’re sleeping ok at night, and now they’re doing ok going to daycare. I’m so relieved!
*****
I’m pretty exasperated that apparently one of the places that we donated to must have sold our name and address, because we are now getting a new influx of Jewish and Israeli solicitations for donations.
I’m also exasperated that JB can’t come home from school and be NOT a pill more than two days out of the week. They didn’t even LIKE Monday’s self defense class that repeats today. We told them this morning that since they already had a clear preference for the Tuesday / Thursday class, we wouldn’t go to the Wednesday class. They agreed, especially since that meant freeing them up to go pick up Smol from daycare. And yet when I reminded them of this in the afternoon, I get a big dollop of attitude/whining. UGH.
I walked away after telling them to get their after school chores done, I’m taking some time and space before I really lose my temper. har-UMPH.
*****
Year 3, Day 188: A good day! PiC and I snuck away for an incredibly rare child-free outing. We explored the Ferry Building, always a favorite of mine, which has changed so much since the last time we were there.
We shared a dozen oysters and picked up an armload of goodies to bring home: empanadas, cheesecakes, porchetta sandwiches, and sous vide carnitas. I didn’t even stress about the $18 parking.
The weather was perfect. Sunny and warm and just a touch of a breeze. We were out exactly as long as I had energy for: about an hour. We came home to a surprise food delivery. More food!
We had to work, still, and did. But I also had a call with an old friend to catch up on their adventures, a tradition that goes back twelve years or so. Back then, she and PiC were two of three people who remembered my birthday. More people remember these days, including a few people I don’t particularly want to hear from, but I appreciate these deeply personal tiny traditions.
Year 3, Day 189: During Smol and my outdoor time, our neighbor and her puppy stopped by to say hello. The puppy has grown a lot! Also Sera came out for a romp. It’s amazing to see her interact with a puppy in a mature adult dog way. Such a fun way to start our day.
*****
TIL Smol Acrobat knows how to blow raspberries. I was the target of a massive series of raspberries attacks. They couldn’t stop giggling.
They’re also really taking to building blocks now. I was responsible for handing them blocks during their build period and quickly learned they have specific preferences for specific blocks for their building vision.
*****
Speaking of class and weirdness, it’ll never not be weird to me to hear JB talking to their classmates trading summer/winter vacation stories: Disney, Tahoe, Hawaii, Vancouver, etc.
Those were nothing but words to me at that age, not actual places that actual people could afford to go!
Also other things I overhear: I have 42 Hatchimals!
JB: I only have 1!
Classmate: WHAT?? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE??
*****
My entire body was lava muscles by the end of the night so PiC Hypericed the heck out of my back. Then we just laid on the ground for an hour talking about stuff. Birthday party logistics, my friend’s travel shenanigans, what the kids think of us, my therapy. We haven’t had time to just sit and talk like this regularly since COVID started. Conversations are squeezed in minutes here and there around the million other things that need doing. It almost feels weird but I’m glad we got that little respite.
September 23, 2022
1. “Because we’re a nation of sociopaths, we’ve never seen a law we didn’t try to break.” Favorite quote this week from The Cosmic Avenger.
2. The T-Mobile Tuesdays app doesn’t usually yield much for us but last Tuesday they had a promo code for 10 free prints at Walgreens and I’ve been needing just a few prints. Savings: $3.84.
3. I preemptively ordered three dinners for Bentocart delivery because we had so much going on this weekend before an extra heavy week. Normally I wouldn’t have scheduled anything before a week like this but we had a dear friend in town so we had to embrace this rare occurrence and not punish myself by forcing myself to socialize AND put in extra hours cooking to prep for the week.
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September 20, 2022
Money Lessons
We finally started up JB’s allowance after an inadvertent kick in the pants from their uncle and auntie (but that kick presented perfect motivation for JB).
We had initially put together a basic framework: this isn’t for the chores themselves which they are expected to do regardless. This base rate ($1.50 per week) is for doing all chores and responsibilities without complaint and without endless reminders. When they volunteer for new chores without being prompted, they get a bonus quarter. They’re required to put half in their long term savings bank and half in their saving to spend bank.
They (and PiC) both thought $1.50 was too low. He tried to negotiate for $5 a week but I held firm. It’s way too easy for them to spend. They need to learn what it feels like to save up for things and that’s not going to happen if they have enough to immediately buy whatever they want every couple of weeks. Plus, the opportunity to earn bonus money weekly is incentivizing their eye for spotting chores that need doing, and that’s something I really want them to develop.
We’ll see how it plays out long term but here’s where their uncle and auntie come in: they each offered to match JB’s savings for spending at the end of a year. They’re going to triple their spending money in one fell swoop. They’re absolutely jazzed about this and on the first day we started up, before they had even established the bonus money, they had volunteered to take over washing some spectacularly grubby slippers that I was scrubbing. The next day, they leapt to sweep up a mess that Smol made. My kid is immensely bribeable.
Week two went well too: they only had a couple reminders to do chores which isn’t excessive or in violation of the rules. They didn’t gripe at all, they just figured out when to do them and did them. Then they hit a jackpot coming up with a yardwork task on their own. I offered them a rate of 25¢ per half bucket, because they were handpicking the stuff all over the yard, and then PiC blew up the whole thing by taking out the big rake and making the task ridiculously easy for them. Way to go, dude. Though, it was incredibly painful doing the payout at the end, not only because I needed to find an additional $7 in quarters but because JB’s grasp of money math is terrible. We’re going to have to keep working on this obviously.
Week three: We hit a snag on the weekend with some dire warnings, and then got back on track.
*****
We know that it’s best to teach JB how to handle disappointment when it comes because they’re going to have disappointments in life and we don’t want them hobbled by emotions they can’t handle or to become super entitled if we try to insulate them from all disappointment.
It’s sometimes hard to stop the “rescue” kneejerk reaction, though. Especially when they’re hurt by someone else. I think that’s a me thing anyway, before you add the parenting aspect.
*****
Mom superpowers I wish I had: the ability to cut onions without tearing up.
*****
Great reading at this age: Castle Hangnail and the Hamster Princess series, both by Ursula Vernon
Life with Smol Acrobat
Some of my favorite things about Smol this month: how they respond to lots of things I say with “oh!” and it sounds so much like “that makes sense!” or “oh ok I get it now” or “ahh I didn’t know that.” Mostly it’s none of those things but I love how it sounds that way.
Like when I say, “can I finish reading this page?” because they’re trying to turn it before I’m ready. “Oh!” and they stop turning the page.
Or “you left your water over there!” “Oh!” as they go in the absolutely wrong direction.
“Put your socks and shoes away.” “Oh!”
*****
They’re displaying a surprising amount of sentience the second half of this month. They’re talking to me with purpose: pointing out when something has fallen, passing by the office and telling me “ja ja ja ja!” (I’m going that way!) and then “jia jia jia jia” on the way back (arms in the air: I won!).
They’ve started hiding from us as play: tucking themselves under chairs and tables to peep out with a mischievous grin.
*****
Unfortunately we have hit the Terrible 2-4s ahead of schedule. They aren’t 2 yet! This is going to be a long decade. So much irrational hysteria. So much kicking and screaming and tears on the tough days.
Consecutive reasons they were sobbing for ten minutes one morning:
- They asked for yogurt with granola
- So I served them a cup of yogurt with granola. That started the waterworks.
- I offered to help them eat. 😭
- They wanted a hug. 😭
- They did not want a hug. 😭
- They wanted their yogurt and I gave it to them. 😭
- They wouldn’t eat the yogurt so I moved it. 😭
- I took advantage of their wide open crying mouth and stuffed a bit of yogurt in there.
- That stopped the crying until they swallowed and the yogurt disappeared. 😭
*****
Books they come back to five times a day:
Down at the Beach
Noodles for Baby
Hush now, Banshee
My Kite is Stuck and other stories
Pupdate
Smol has been learning to help me with feeding Sera. The problem with this is they get Very Attached to Routine. In the mornings, I add some joint powder and a cranberry extract tablet to her bowl, to go with the kibble and chewed fruit that Smol Acrobat previously tasted and refused.
In the afternoons, she just gets kibble.
Smol’s job is to bring me the powder and the tablets. But they don’t have a job if I only give her kibble! So they insist on the whole shebang and then (bizarrely) scolds her when she starts to eat. Not sure what that’s about.
That done, they put away the kibble and the jars and then waits (very) impatiently for Sera to finish eating to give her a dental treat.
Precious Moments
JB: You know an easy way to have flower girls at your wedding?
Me: How?
JB: You just give birth to girls. Then you can get married and have your flower girls!
Me: …… There’s nothing easy about that….
JB: Yeah but then you’d have flower girls!
*****
Washing a bottle out for Smol Acrobat’s milk, they sounded oddly… content? Behind me? That’s not usually a good sign. I turned to find they’d been happily stuffing their face with something they found on the counter. Usually we have nuts and crackers there, all things they’re allowed to have, but we don’t usually let them serve themselves.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered they had found a secret stash of Sugar Babies and was in the process of gluing their mouth shut with them! I confiscated the few left in the container, and then peeled the lower jaw mold of Sugar Baby stickiness off their bottom teeth. Eewww.
*****
Smol has some weird priorities.
Wood block? Stick it up the nose.
Pencil? Stick it up the nose.
Pork chop? Stick it up the nose.
COVID test? Absolutely not, get away from me!
*****
Smol Acrobat signs “open” at the vacuum.
No, it needs to sleep now just like Mommy.
Smol: oh.
*****
Smol Acrobat signs *milk*.
I offer a cup of milk.
They throw their hands in the air: no no no!
Me: Did you want milk?
Smol: Yah.
Me: This is milk.
Smol: Yah. *takes it like they knew that all along*
*****
Smol: mum mum!
Me: that’s dad.
Smol looking straight at me, still patting PiC’s arm: MAAAAAAAMMMMM.
September 19, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 178: My subconscious has been working overtime, throwing up increasingly worse scenarios in my nightmares. Is this a response to the global and the personal stresses all piling up?
Today’s nightmare was becoming paralyzed and having to cope with extreme loss of physical functioning while thinking about how keeping me alive and cared for would financially devastate my family. At no point in my nightmare did the thought that they might still want me around occur. I was wholly focused on the terrible consequences (mental, emotional, financial) of survival. Ugh. An extreme version of my life now, maybe this was my subconscious trying to pull the ripcord on all the therapy and restart my usual hypervigilance? I’ve been doing better at derailing that spiral consciously but the subconscious is powerful. Dear friend helped me short circuit the spiral by pointing out I could just as easily get hit by a bus and die suddenly as this happening. Weirdly, that worked.
Related fun: My eye started twitching on Friday and it hasn’t stopped. 🧐 Stress? Fatigue? Something else new?
Anyway today was a Mommy and Smol day. PiC had to work on site, JB had school, Smol doesn’t have daycare until tomorrow. Their rare late wake up was much appreciated as I was on Smol duty from 8:30 until they napped at 1. We did all the things: ran the vacuum, cleaned Sera’s ears, played outside, weeded, gardened, threw a ball for Sera, took her for a short walk, ate snacks and read some books.
Immediately after they settled in for a nap, I dashed through as much work as I could.
Our vacationing friend delivered surprise fresh caught, ready to cook, fish, neatly answering my question of “what other small thing should I add to this dinner of leftovers?” Breaded and air fried fish! Excellent. It hit the spot and by 650, my entire me was done done done. Such a high energy day.
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