March 16, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Milestone birthday
WHO SAID JB COULD TURN 5??
I’m appalled!
364 days of saying “nope you’re not having a party” later and guess what? They didn’t have a party. Guess what else? They are just fine. We did special pancakes with whipped cream, and they got to wear a special birthday outfit, and off to school they went.
We did go out to dinner as a family that evening as well.
Responsibilities
We’ve been building JB’s stable of skills gradually. They should probably have set chores but since we don’t have set days for doing specific housework, I find it more helpful to have them have sub-chores. When I do laundry, they are responsible for bringing me hangers and putting away the clothes I’ve hung up. They are also responsible for hanging up clothes when called upon to do so. They clear the table before meals, set the table or help with cooking depending on the day, and clear after meals. Sometimes they are responsible for just finding an independent activity and leaving me in peace so I can work or cook. They are also still being trained to train Sera – working on appropriate reactions to doggy misgaps and using the appropriate commands to the situation instead of just yelling angrily. (more…)
February 17, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $521.62; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Behavioral challenges
We just got through a really rough patch with JB just being the smallest unit of the most concentrated contrariness ever. I found myself holding my breath and counting off deep breaths A LOT. But then we randomly zipped out of that like coming down a slip and slide into a period of attentiveness, cooperative spirits and unexpected eloquence instead of immediate tears and tantrums when they hear something they doesn’t like:
Us: This won’t fit in your backpack.
JB: Could we try it, just to see?
* What kind of monster says no to reasonable request for scientific inquiry?
PiC in the morning: Today has to be a short dropoff, I have to get to a meeting.
JB 3o minutes later at daycare: Ok daddy, you should go. You need to get to your meeting.
*They were LISTENING? And they acted on the information??
Naturally this means that there’s a spike in not great behavior at school: not listening to the teacher’s instructions, pushing to get to the front of the line, following classmates into bad decisions.
Our teacher / parent friend shared that their experienced educator mentor advised them to always be aware that it’s common to have this teeter-totter of behavior: if they’re terrible at home, they may be great at school, and vice versa. It doesn’t make me feel a lot better though.
Raising JB with minimal technology
JB is coming up on 5 years old very rapidly and we still enforce pretty strict boundaries around technology. They have a fake VTech cell phone (gift from a friend who likes to torment me), and no access to phones, tablets, or TVs at home. Well, no free access. They know how to turn on and off the one television, how to use the camera on my phone but also knows better than to EVER turn on the TV without express permission and they certainly never get free rein on my phone. They may borrow it to enjoy a music video once in a while but from the age of 2, they knew the rule: after the song what happens?
*Emphatic hands* “Give it back to Mommy!”
This isn’t to say they are meant to be a Luddite. They have lots of access to computers and tablets at school, they can play a computer game at the library once in a while, and they has gamer aunties and uncles who share their love of video games. They have plenty of access in the big picture. I want to take this foundational period and foster their love of books and crafts and sports and games and just the plain ability to find a way to entertain yourself before letting them zombie out into games and television. We are addictive personality people, it’s easy to get sucked into tv and never come up for air.
I push them, on our mommy-child days, to do that when I have to work. They will go rustle up a craft, or a coloring book, or a pile of books and sit at my feet “reading” and drawing and the like. I much prefer that to the reflexive flipping on of the television.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with tv, we enjoy shows and movies together, but I want their world to be as interesting and creative as they can make it be before getting addicted to the screen.
What this looks like is sometimes I get irritated because they hang about my desk asking “what can I dooooooo” before figuring out what to do because I refuse to give a concrete answer: figure it out!
Or sometimes in the car they ask to watch a video, get flatly denied, and we end up “mixing salad” in my hat using markers for ingredients and it makes me wonder what they think is food: please add cornstarch, now pepper, now green leaves. Now add purple leaves. Ok now lettuce. Now bell peppers. Now more cornstarch.
It takes more effort to press them to think and they don’t always like it, but I see it bearing occasional fruit where they don’t pester me constantly for ideas, they come up with their own. Like deciding to be art director and hanging art on my pristine refrigerator while I work. Or organizing my to be gifted books in the office. Or cleaning the table off.
Precious Moments
I contain multitudes
JB outside after being scolded: you’re the meanest! Mommy is the meanest!
Me: Yep. Yep I am.
JB that same day, wanting me to snuggle when I’m so exhausted I’m about to drop and refusing PiC in my place: I want to snuggle, but not YOU. Mommy is the BEST!
Me: Yep. Yep I am.
Passive aggressive, much?
JB: Who is this card for?
Me: I don’t know yet.
JB: I know! Auntie M!
Me: Maybe.
JB: Well, you don’t HAVE to do it. I’m not making you. You’re the grown-up.
Soliloquies
*dolefully* I was the last one to wake upppppppp. *perks up* Daddy was the first, Mommy was the second, and I was the last! That’s how a family works! Uhhh blood.
Empathy
JB: Mommy, are you washing your hair today?
Me: No honey, my hair doesn’t like being washed everyday. It feels bad. So I wash it every other day. When I was little like you, I washed it every day though.
JB: *thoughtful silence* I’m sorry it hurts when you wash it every day.
:: This has been a weird month and a weird age with JB. We’re staring down kindergarten in the fall. Do you remember your kindergarten teacher?
January 27, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020? Current total: $443.24 for both initiatives.
Pronouns
For years, autocorrect has been the bane of my writing about JB. It constantly turns “zir” and “ze” into “she” or “her”. It finally dawned on me that I use the singular “they” all the time in conversation, why not here? DUH. JB is now they, for blogging purposes.
Pop culture exposure
I found out recently that the daycare doesn’t allow their staff to read or share Disney stuff.
I noticed something like that in the past but I mainly thought it was a more of a ban on superhero stuff so that the kids wouldn’t act out hero/villain dramatic play. (They do anyway, of course.) And I’m positive I’ve seen the staff taking small breaks and letting the kids watch Disney music videos or clips every so often.
Anyway, I think it’s good to have ONE space in their lives that isn’t overrun by Disney marketing. It’s not like it’s a totally Disney-free zone, the kids are allowed to bring their own clothes and toys and books that are Disney, and they do. It’s just that the teachers have to bring in all other learning tools and toys that aren’t Disney, so there’s a better balance.
We’re also making an effort to expose JB to other art and shows and intellectual properties. Some are nostalgic, the new She-Ra and My Little Ponies because I have fond memories of them and the new versions are pretty fun. Some feel more cultural, Studio Ghibli’s My Neighbor Totoro and Ponyo were lovely gentle good for kids movies and I’m discovering SG movies I haven’t yet enjoyed. I’ve always meant to watch Kiki’s Delivery Service, and now I will share that with JB. (Note: turns out it was too early, they weren’t ready.) (more…)
December 23, 2019
While I fundamentally oppose book banning, the Three Little Pigs book is now banned from our house. JB has called for us 177 times in the night because ze is afraid of the Big Bad Wolf. There is no wolf.
Getting ready everyday
We have “stay at home” days and “not stay at home” days. Big honking surprise, ze has been up early and happily on stay at home days. Ze divebombs our bed, chortling, with lovies in tow, for a good snuggle after which we lie abed luxuriously reading and playing together, if PiC has already taken the dogs out.
Once every fifth blue moon, I wake up first and answer the call: “Dad! I’m awake!”
Burying the lede: I’m allowed to answer those now! I used to get the stinkeye and “I want Daddy.” We snuggle and read in zir bed. Once every tenth blue moon, I can convince zir to quietly get dressed and sneak out with me to walk the dogs to surprise PiC with taking his morning chore. For this one thing, I miss the days when ze was an easy infant (in this respect anyway), portable and without opinions. I’d just bundle zir into the stroller and take them all out.
NOT stay at home days, though, whew. Those have been a struggle.
Ze hates being rushed but also sleeps so much in a solid stint now (10-11 hours at night, probably because ze quit napping 1.5 years ago UGH) that we have to be in bed by 7 pm to have a ghost of a chance of getting up early enough to get ready without rushing. Hah. 7 pm. We have early dinners compared to other local families, but we certainly don’t get dinner, bath and bed done by 7 on weekdays. It’s a series of daily battles and it’s no fun at all.
Feeling the feelings, continued
I first shared this a couple months ago. I’ve been trying to take advantage of quiet mood moments to reinforce identifying and addressing feelings. So far, our range is sad and mad. (And mad is usually enraged and aggressive.)
But once in a while, I clue into the whining and instead of grouching at zir (no whining!) I instead remember to ask: so how does that make you feel? Sometimes, ze gives an honest and reasonably calm answer! In that case, the non-leading-question follow up is: What helps you when you’re feeling mad? Sometimes ze will have an answer to that, too!
Death, again
JB’s friends, a pair of siblings ze enjoys bouncing off the walls with, lost their parent this month very suddenly and we attended his funeral. We talk about death so frequently because we don’t want it to be a dark scary thing for them and it seems to help. JB is sad about zir friend’s dad, he was so good with kids that they genuinely liked him for him and not just as X’s dad, but ze is more focused on the people still here: they spent the wake enjoying each other’s company and looking at pictures together.
A numbers game (that’s way over zir head)
JB: let’s play the numbers game!
PiC: which one?
JB: the one where you guess
PiC: where I guess the number you’re thinking of?
JB: yes. I will pick.
PiC: ok… Is it… 35?
JB: NO! THAT’S NOT THE GAME!
PiC: but you said…
JB: no, I think of a number and YOU GUESS.
PiC: I did!
JB: you’re doing it wrong!!
PiC: are you listening to this?
Me: no, I stopped listening when it stopped making sense.
PiC: 😕
Me: JB, are you talking about the numbers game where you guess by asking “higher or lower”?
JB: YES!
Me: ok then, Dad, guess higher or lower than to narrow down the numbers.
PiC: is it higher or lower than 10?
JB: higher.
PiC: higher or lower than 100?
JB: higher.
PiC: higher or lower than 1000?
JB: higher
PiC *disbelief*: higher than 1000?? You know your thousands??
Me: Dr. Evil. That’s your number.
PiC: a million?
JB: yes!!
JB, guessing: is it higher or lower than 100?
PiC: lower
JB: IS IT ONE??
PiC :… No…
JB: IS IT TWO???
PiC: …. no…. This is going to take a long time.
Me: Honey, ask Daddy higher or lower questions.
JB: is it higher or lower than ONE???
PiC: 🤦♂️it’s definitely higher than one.
JB: is it higher or lower than FORTY?
PiC: lower
JB: is it higher or lower than FIFTY??
PiC: ????
Me: dad said it was higher than 1 and and lower than 40 so it has to be between those two numbers.
JB: what’s “between” mean?
Us: 🤣🤣🤣💀💀💀
Who can fathom the mind of…
JB: Daddy, let’s talk about seed germination. I know there are three parts of a plant (holds up one chubby finger per item): leaves, stem, roots!
PiC: And what do plants need to make energy?
JB: ROCK PAPER SCISSORS SHOOT! *collapses into giggles*
Oh, duh
PiC: Who’s the new art teacher?
JB: There is no new art teacher. It only changes if it’s their last day!
Drat, couldn’t trick zir
JB: Oh, Dad, I can’t tell you that because it’s a Christmas surprise.
Me: What can’t you tell Dad?
JB: It’s a secret! For Christmas. For parents.
Me: Can you tell me?
JB: NOOOOO it’s a SECRET. FOR PARENTS.
:: Were you able to keep secrets as a kid?
November 18, 2019
Thinking ahead to kindergarten / elementary school
Kindergarten is 8:30-1:30. Grades 1-5 is 8:30-2:30. Spring break is a week, Thanksgiving is 3 days off, Winter Break is two weeks. Summer is 10 weeks.
How on Earth do working parents deal with that????
Aftercare and summer camps for summer, I guess. But I hate the mental load that we’re going to have to take on for that and honestly I’m not thrilled with the idea of trusting my 5 year old to various groups I have to get to know before I feel like they’re trustworthy.
I’m feeling obligated to just pick up JB and keep zir home with me while I work. For kindergarten, it’s just one academic year, and that’s just … about 5 hours to fill before PiC gets home and we need to do the dinner/bath/bed trio. Hm. Hm. Hm. I’m not sure. Note – the obligation is entirely in my own mind. PiC is investigating aftercare options.
He’ll support me if that’s what I really want but he’s really in favor of getting aftercare. I suspect I just don’t want it because I hate having to get to know and trust new people all over again.
My parents never had childcare really, it was all on Mom’s shoulders to drop us off, pick us up, feed us, and everything in between. That meant that sometimes we were left waiting an awfully long time to be picked up after school as she was stuck at work late most days. I remember sitting outside the elementary school under a tree, reading a stack of books, waiting for hours hoping she hadn’t forgotten me entirely.
I’m not trying to reproduce that situation, taking it all on my shoulders, and PiC wouldn’t let me anyway. But I still feel this pull to keep JB home with me after school and I haven’t parsed out why, precisely.
When is it “tattling”?
I need to do a better job of differentiating between when I want JB to tell us about someone doing something wrong and when it’s not necessary or appropriate. We have been encouraging zir to resolve differences with the kids in question, which ze is getting better at, but we also need to discuss what things fall under “don’t tattle” (when it’s not causing anyone harm, and it’s just an annoyance that someone isn’t following the rules) and what falls under reporting actual harm.
This immediate “don’t tattle” admonishment was giving me hives because it’s too all-encompassing and I didn’t like that feeling of just telling a kid those two words without further explanation. Like this author, I don’t want to feed into a culture of silence for lacking nuance.
This was a helpful resource.
Because here’s the thing – we don’t want kids to lie, but we also don’t want them “snitching” when other kids do something wrong. How are they going to know what to do and when without more specific guidance? For example, when accused of wrongdoing and they know another kid did it, are they supposed to tell us the truth or stonewall? Personally, I always want the truth whether or not I’m going to be the one authorized to follow up on the other kid, but people call that snitching. What’s your take?
We’ve been talking about the nuance with JB, and ze recently brought up a situation between two classmates and asked, “Was that tattling?” So we’re thinking about it, at least.
Precious Moments
Another circle of life
JB: mom, do Lions eat zebras?
Me: Yes if they can catch them.
JB: Then they EAT them! *gasp*
PiC: There was a Wildkratts book about that.
Me: What does it say?
JB: That.
Me: Oh.
PiC: It’s called Lion Pride. They also talk about honey badgers.
Me: What about honey badgers?
PiC: Lions don’t mess with them.
Me: Why not?
JB: Because they will BADGE them.
Me: Yeah … that’s no good for anyone.
Me in bed after a rough day and night
JB: Hi Mom! You can take as much as you need in bed. But don’t take too much time, or else you might not come with us!
5 minutes later…
JB *bursting in*: Mom. Mom. Can I have … Mom, are you …. Mom where’s your head???
Me: *should I tell zir I’m in the bathroom?*
Priorities
Me: It’s taco night!
JB: I don’t LIKE tacos!
Me: -____-
PiC: Ok, can I have your tacos?
JB backpedaling: But … I need da pwotein!
:: Were you a latchkey kid or did you have a parent or adult at home when you got out of school?
October 28, 2019
***FYI: I will be collecting donations for our Lakota families until Nov 17th. Details in the Giving paragraph. Half of any proceeds from the blog during this time (see sidebar) will also be added to those donations.***
Parenting Comparisons
I don’t generally worry over how other parents are doing things. We all make the best decisions that we can for the children we have. But sometimes I wonder “HOW??” There are moms who (and it’s usually moms, though we have a surprisingly even gender split on the parental dropoffs and pickup) do things like prepare goody bags for all the kids in the classroom when their kid has a birthday, or farewell gifts when their kid leaves a classroom, or create t-shirts for all the kids. They might plan huge birthday parties or volunteer for classroom related work. And some of them have multiple kids! And they work full time! I can’t quite wrap my head around how on earth they fit those things in. I feed and bathe our child daily and send zir to school with uncombed hair and clean clothes. That’s it, that’s all I’ve got on the parenting front (granted I’m doing a HECK of a lot with our entire family: household stuff, dog care, financial planning, working full time). How on earth are they fitting in all these extras?
I don’t know anything substantial about their lives but it sure does bewilder me.
Ignore the child
This isn’t something I do if ze would be in danger or gets what ze wants when ze is acting out. This is what I keep in my back pocket for when ze is acting out for attention and discipline is being perceived as attention. Ze has a particular streak that begs for attention in any way ze can get it. It may not be a conscious manipulation but I’ve seen kids do this: if they do something wrong and get the emotional payoff they want, they’ll do it again. It’s just logical.
Instead of rising to the bait, I ignore the behavior.
One morning, ze was clearly trying to needle me with contrary and “mean” statements. Stamping hard on my temper, I only responded to non-provocatory comments, completely ignored the provoking ones, and lo, after no reward for the provocations, ze stopped! (more…)
September 16, 2019
Then and Now….
I’m having some flashbacks to the things that worried Mom about me: her fear of heights was heightened when we climbed trees and up to the roof. I get that now. I hate it when JB climbs too high up, I get that weird feeling in my knees like I’m the one who’s going to fall.
Mom was never a reader – growing up in poverty, she never had access to books or the time for such luxuries because she was always taking care of younger siblings, cooking, cleaning, or earning money to buy materials and make her own clothes. She didn’t understand how engrossed in books I could get, or why, and thought it was dangerously indulgent. She would caution me against getting so emotionally involved with the characters that I had emotions about what happened to them.
To this day, I still get too emotionally involved in the stories I read and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I understand Mom a little bit better now, and I know she did her best with us which I appreciate.
At the same time, my takeaway: I’m trying not to quash the habits in JB that I don’t understand just because I don’t understand them. That by itself doesn’t define it as a bad thing. I just have to be more open to zir interests and accepting that I won’t understand everything that ze is into.
Speaking of emotions …
JB was extra sad about missing a friend after a nap (zir most emotional time of any day) and sobbing on PiC’s shoulder. He was trying to reason with zir, like I would normally, and then it occurred to me to try something new.
I squashed all my first urges (offering a distraction of something else to do, reasoning that we’ll see them again, offering to distract from the sadness with something exciting) and instead asked if ze would like to cuddle for a while, while ze was feeling feelings. Ze came to lay down with me for a while, in silence, and instead of banishing the sadness, we just sat with it quietly, watching the walls. Sooner than you’d think, ze asked for a new activity. My hope is that ze will start learning to feel zir feelings and process them instead of being trained to reach for a new exciting thing to cover up sadness, or just ignoring it and letting it fester. (more…)