By: Revanche

My kid and notes from Year 4.6

September 16, 2019

Then and Now….

I’m having some flashbacks to the things that worried Mom about me: her fear of heights was heightened when we climbed trees and up to the roof. I get that now. I hate it when JB climbs too high up, I get that weird feeling in my knees like I’m the one who’s going to fall.

Mom was never a reader – growing up in poverty, she never had access to books or the time for such luxuries because she was always taking care of younger siblings, cooking, cleaning, or earning money to buy materials and make her own clothes. She didn’t understand how engrossed in books I could get, or why, and thought it was dangerously indulgent. She would caution me against getting so emotionally involved with the characters that I had emotions about what happened to them.

To this day, I still get too emotionally involved in the stories I read and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I understand Mom a little bit better now, and I know she did her best with us which I appreciate.

At the same time, my takeaway: I’m trying not to quash the habits in JB that I don’t understand just because I don’t understand them. That by itself doesn’t define it as a bad thing. I just have to be more open to zir interests and accepting that I won’t understand everything that ze is into.

Speaking of emotions …

JB was extra sad about missing a friend after a nap (zir most emotional time of any day) and sobbing on PiC’s shoulder. He was trying to reason with zir, like I would normally, and then it occurred to me to try something new.

I squashed all my first urges (offering a distraction of something else to do, reasoning that we’ll see them again, offering to distract from the sadness with something exciting) and instead asked if ze would like to cuddle for a while, while ze was feeling feelings. Ze came to lay down with me for a while, in silence, and instead of banishing the sadness, we just sat with it quietly, watching the walls. Sooner than you’d think, ze asked for a new activity. My hope is that ze will start learning to feel zir feelings and process them instead of being trained to reach for a new exciting thing to cover up sadness, or just ignoring it and letting it fester.

PiC sent me this link

20 phrases to use when your child isn’t listening. We have this problem with JB not listening a lot, it’s almost comforting to see that other parents also repeat their kids’ names ten times to no avail. I’m tempted to believe it’s selective deafness but who knows. A few things that have worked for me:

Whispering at zir.
“Whisper, please!” Ze will mimic the low hushed tones almost immediately.

Indirect persuasion.
Put on your socks please.
JB: No thank you
Petting zir foot with my socked foot: fuzzy feet fuzzy feet fuzzy feet!
JB giggles, runs off: I will put on my socks!

The carrot and the stick

We were discussing parenting techniques with fellow daycare parents and I realized that I’m getting better at offering the carrot AND the stick. After the fifth time that JB whined that ze doesn’t WANT mushrooms in zir omelette, and after the fifth time I had pointed out that 5 days of the week ze gets to choose so 2 days of the week we get to choose breakfast foods, I lost my patience. Ze was given the carrot (ketchup in a shape on the omelette) and the stick (any more whining would result in omelettes all week). I think it’s clear that the carrot was far more effective than the stick in this particular instance and very likely it’s more effective about 90% of the time because we don’t parent by fear or spanking. Ze gets consequences but I don’t think they tend to stick that much.

Bodily autonomy

JB and I had an encounter at our local grocery store with an older man who worked at the store. He introduced himself to us, and then asked JB for a “big hug”. I calmly replied “ze isn’t a hugger” which is a complete lie, but I automatically felt like I needed a softer decline because of the boundary-transgression that had already happened. Some men don’t take rejection calmly and I never know who is going to be one of those. Thankfully he wasn’t one of those, and I’m glad he asked instead of just coming in for an unwanted hug, but still, asking a strange small child for a hug, out of the blue? Not ok.

I knew it was possible this man had some cognitive issues, some of his behavior was a bit off, but this shouldn’t happen again. I had a chat with the manager to let him know what had happened, explicitly saying I didn’t want him to get in trouble given the cognitive issues but rather making sure that his manager has a talk with him about boundaries. It was a very civil conversation and the manager gave me the sense that they’ll handle it appropriately.

I then had a talk with JB about bodily autonomy, that no adult should be touching zir, or asking to see zir body, and if anyone does, ze ought to say NO and run to find us immediately to let us know. Ze was very confused by the whole encounter and we spent a long time talking about it.

Moments

Are you judging me?
Me: Can you go get me a shirt?
JB: Yes I can. I will put on my pants first.
Me: Ok, thanks. A black one, please.
JB: How about dis one? You have a lot a lot of black shirts.

THAT is the attitude I was talking about
JB: *snark snark snark*
Me to myself: I really don’t need your attitude right now.
JB: Yes you do. This is my attitude, here you go!

New words are tough
JB: Momma, why are you taking so long to floss?
Me: I have to get rid of as much plaque as I can.
JB, 2 minutes later: Momma, why are you taking so long? Is it because of the planellope?
Me: … plaaqqueee?

What is taking turns?
JB: Why can’t mommy read to me?
PiC: Mommy read to you the last two nights.
JB: But she doesn’t read to me EVERY night!
PiC: No, we take turns. Plus mommy doesn’t feel good today so we help each other out when someone doesn’t feel well. We’re a team. You’re part of the team, too!
JB: no I’m not! I don’t do ANYTHING.

It’s the MONEY game, Dad, not the DOLLAR game.
JB: Mommy and me are the workers, daddy is the seller. Would you like to buy something, daddy?
PiC: Did you mean I’m the buyer?
JB: Yes what do you want to buy?
PiC: Can I have the striped one?
JB: NO TOUCHING!
PiC: But I want to buy it, why can’t I touch in?
JB: Not in this game.
PiC: Ok I like the red one and the black one.
JB: Ok, do you want one more?
PiC: The green one please. How much do you want for this?
JB: That is ten monies.
PiC: Do you mean dollars?
JB: No. Monies. Ten monies.

Novelty is the best
JB finally got zir first Happy Meal this summer and ze has been mildly obsessed with “lunchboxes” as ze refers to them ever since. Even meals that ze is totally unethused about goes down well when served bento style. “Dis is a lunchbox? For me?”

:: When does the selective deafness stop and actual listening start?

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