February 13, 2009
Am I numb because I’ve balanced out negative thoughts with positivity this week? Or is it because … well … it figures??
The car is totaled. It will cost more to fix than the book value. After the deductible, after they cut the check, after the car is paid off, we’ll have a bit more than $3000 in cash. Instead of a working family sedan.
Now we need to car hunt.
I’d curse but I just don’t have it in me.
October 7, 2008
I was away all weekend, all exhausting weekend, and came back late Sunday night. It was fun, ish, but physically draining and I was looking forward to clearing up my mail, unpacking, and getting right to bed. Oh yes, and dinner, having something, anything, to eat.
Somewhere in there, my mom decided it would be a good idea to corner me with her idea of what “our problem really is.” Hm?
“The house. This house has brought us nothing but bad luck. We should, as soon as I get a little money together, move to another house that is luckier.”
*frazzle*
1. When you get money together? You can’t work! No one in the family can begin to cover the current household expenses without me, what makes you think you can come up with the money to move without a better plan than just moving? Dad still hasn’t gotten his act together, and only through constant, consistent, reinforcement from me does my brother continue to walk the line.
2. Do you remember how much it costs to move?
3. Are you kidding me?
4. The house is not possessed. It can’t bring us bad luck, and it didn’t have anything to do with the choices we’ve made!
I didn’t say any of that, except for number 4; I normally don’t outwardly react to her ramblings as she’s been very ill, and more than a little mentally unbalanced. I definitely don’t lash out when she’s trying my patience with her latest rants of negativity and blaming everything and everyone for the current situation. She’s ill, in many ways, and needs understanding and care.
But … in just as many ways, she’s caused and created so much home-based stress, stubbornly squandering her energies, time and money on what she thinks is right to reinforce her independence. I know she’s trying to do it because she imagines her decisions will bear fruit, the harvest of which will relieve me of the burden of supporting them. But, for example, insisting on driving herself to work when her physical and mental capacities were in doubt was not helpful, it was downright scary! It took six flat tires, one severely damaged wheel and a minor accident – all in my car – before she would consent to considering restricting her activities outside the house. What if she got into a major accident? What if she was hurt, or killed? What if she hurt or killed someone else?
Anyhow. Many of the choices she made were made with good intent, and there’s nothing we can do to change them now. The thing that does get to me, though, is her insistence on trying to “make things better” while refusing to consider her health. I don’t understand how she still doesn’t understand that no amount of money in the world can buy her health back, as she continues to fight us and our trying to take care of her. So many problems stem from her refusal to take care of herself, back when she was mentally capable, despite my begging her to stop making her health worse by stressing, worrying and fretting, and so many continue because of that stubbornness. I would give it all up if she could be healthy again, but she continually sabotages any progress.
So, on top of the many challenges I’m navigating, she wants me to plan to find a new house, based on the “unluckiness” of this one. Is there a luck-o-meter out there? Seriously, without that, we may be house hopping for the rest of my natural life. Our household is in these difficulties because of the decisions we’ve made, decisions that we’ve all made, and the house we live in has so very little to do with it.
I won’t make another rash mistake by acceding to her wishes because I think it’ll make her happy; someone has to keep the big picture in mind. It’s just that some days, I feel like their admonishment from my childhood: “Just wait until you have kids of your own” has come true. What a nightmare.
Takeaway: Please take care of your health.
August 13, 2008
Please excuse the lack of posting, I’ve been back for a couple days but inundated with work and work-related issues.
The travel was a bit insane, as evidenced by the 14 delays and overbooked planes, but thankfully the return trip was much less eventful. They only asked for volunteers, they didn’t actually have to bump anyone. Call it foolish but I actually put my name in thinking that it’d be great to get two free round trip tickets from the one free trip. Of course, it’s just for mainland travel, so I couldn’t finally make a free trip to Maui or anything, but still, it’d be cool.
We had a great weekend, but more on that later. I’d forgotten my camera so I had to take pictures on my cousin’s camera.
July 10, 2008
BF pulled it off: he found a round trip itinerary for which we could redeem his free ticket voucher, so I’m going to Oregon to see my cousin in August!
It’ll be a long weekend for me, but unfortunately something came up at work and she has to go in, after all. Boooo. Perhaps I can bring her lunch at work. 🙂
We’ll probably go out on the town one night, and I hope we’ll go hiking on Saturday. Because I’m flying United, I’m already trying to mentally maximize my carry-on luggage and minimize the amount of stuff I’ll have to bring.
I’ll be staying at her house, and she has more toiletries and make-up than I’d know what to do with, so I don’t have to waste room on those things. Just the basics, really, two pairs of jeans and three tops. Appropriate shoes.
So excited!!
June 12, 2008
I’m normally pretty blase about the graduation thing. I’ve even been thinking that, if and when I finally go to graduate school, I’m not going to walk when I graduate. I’m not particularly comfortable with all that attention, pomp and circumstance. And really, who isn’t bored at graduation ceremonies? Still, I paid my good-cousin dues yesterday, literally and figuratively, attending my little cousin’s high school graduation.
Man, that kid’s impressive. He’s this gangly kid that I’ve watched grow up, tolerated Power Rangers for, hung out with every Thanksgiving and suddenly he’s graduating from high school as a valedictorian, National Merit Scholar and … *drumroll please* a Presidential Scholar!
Holy. Crap. Seriously, holy crap. He even gave the best speech of all the speeches. I’m not just biased, it was funny, irreverent, and so not full of himself and his memories like everyone else’s typical “I remember first walking onto this campus four years ago….” Oh, the references to “four years ago” were rampant. My favorite line of his? “In the end, I’m just that Asian kid with good grades, whose speech you won’t remember a word of tomorrow, but for tonight at least, I hope the teachers have a sense of closure and know that they’ve done their best with us.”
I’m so proud of him I could burst. But he’s always going to be my little cousin. And the look on his face when we got home, before he got ready to leave for Grad Night, was priceless: “Wow. No more high school.” Heh. Yep.
From my jaded post-college, workaday experiences, I almost replied, “Yeah, and that confidence, that top of the world feeling you’ve got? Enjoy it now, because it’s going to be a while before you’re that flush with pride and surety again.” I didn’t. For one thing, that’s mean. And for another, it’s probably not true.
I know he’s going to face some tough times eventually, but I get the feeling that it’s going to be a while yet. He’s whip-smart, he could make air bleed, he’s so sharp. He didn’t coast to the top, I know he worked hard, so he won’t be shocked by having to work in college like some of my smart friends were. Lordy, I remember my friends and I at that age. We were so very much not life-smart; I could only wish I were half as smart as he. We were so immature, and had so much to learn. And despite the astounding academic achievements, he’s the same way: he’s still so young and a little naive. He’s even following his big sister to college because he wants to be where she is. I’ll never say this to him, but how cute is that?? I hope that they never lose that relationship, because every really smart person always needs someone to look up to and keep them grounded.
Is this confidence really just my need to believe that for him, at least, life will continue like a dream?
Maybe it is, but I feel pretty maternal about my little cousins, and it’s my job to hope that nothing ever goes wrong for them.
P.S. For the first time ever, I was totally prepared for a graduation: sunglasses for the sun, dress for the heat, and my beloved trench for when it got cold three hours later. Perfect! I think my CPW on that trench has now dropped below $1/wear. Yesssss.
May 10, 2008
*shock*
I’ve been needing to call the insurance company to deal with the removal of my mom from the insurance. I knew it’d be a bit more complicated than taking my brother off because MaDucky’s actually the policyholder, so I’d been dragging my heels a bit. Also because I wanted to compare rates with other companies while I was at it.
Instead of the usual, “So, you know how we agreed to take your mom off the insurance? Have you done it yet?” conversation, PaDucky actually told me that he’d spoken to the insurance agent and had gotten a couple quotes for the new insurance, and made some inquiries about how much we’d save when the truck comes off the insurance.
Holy … cow …
He’s NEVER handled any of our paperwork. Never. He ferries the tax documents every year, but that’s because he’s had a working relationship with the accountant for more than ten years, and it’s best for him to go chat with the guy. But bills? Rent? Medical records? Banking? Nope. Nope. No and no. He won’t even go to the bank! I’m glad, but still mostly in shock.
Something’s finally pushed him to take the initiative to do something more around here, and I’m sorry it had to be MaDucky’s complete deterioration of health.
April 7, 2008
Not Starring: Denis Leary.
More than ever, I’m realizing how blessed I am by the generosity of my friends. We all hear people say, “Let me know if you need anything,” knowing that we’re never going to ask them for a helping hand. I know I’ve been guilty of that myself, both in extending vague offers of help with the best of intentions, and accepting the sentiment but never actually taking the gesturers up on it. I’m simply not the girl who waits a knight to ride up on a horse of any color to dramatically save me from my lot in life, and actively discourage any such pretensions from the get-go if I share my “tales of woe.” That’s a pretty big if, since I know that some of my back story easily sounds like a plea for pity or martyr points, and that’s just not the game I play.
It’s a whole different world, however, to have trusted friends who actively enable you to join them and leave your worries behind, or descend upon you as A did to me yesterday, and kidnap you for an entire afternoon of talk and being away from home. Her immediate response to my stressful day was simply beyond price.
A took me to Fuddrucker’s for lunch, my first experience there, and I had an amazing turkey burger with about two inches worth of toppings and condiments. I like my veggies 🙂 If you’ve never been there, they have build-it-yourself stations with fresh lettuce, sliced tomatos, sliced onions, diced tomatos and onions, and pickles. There’s another station with all sorts of condiments: ketchup, BBQ sauce, three or four kinds of mustards, etc. We settled in with our massive burgers and had a good long discussion of how things stand at home, and the short talk I had with PaDucky about my need to leave. He was very accepting of that statement, but I don’t know if that’s because he was taken by surprise and didn’t know how to react, or if he simply understands. I can only hope it’s the latter.
Another friend joined our chat, and we had a chance to mull over some of the decisions I’m going to need to make. This won’t happen overnight, or immediately, but it helps to have sounding boards, and it’s a little comforting to know that my decision isn’t completely crazy.
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