July 12, 2010
Within reason, I share quite a lot of my life here on this blog. That’s why I keep it anonymous – between the financial soul-baring and the occasional emoting, it’s somehow less embarrassing if people who know me don’t know me.
Still, there’s this thing I’ve been keeping this under my hat for some time. For lots of reasons.
I wasn’t sure it was the right decision. I hadn’t taken all the prudent, protective steps beforehand. I wasn’t sure that I was even ready to do this so if it blew up in my face, I kind of wanted to go hide in a corner and not talk about it. But most importantly, because my family couldn’t know. In a bigger way than they can’t know that I’ve been saving for their later years, or that it’s been an incredible struggle with my own health and happiness to provide for them. More than all that guilt-related sort of stuff, they couldn’t know this because I can’t trust my sibling with this knowledge.
As you well know, my sibling is my polar opposite: where I’m responsible, he’s footloose and fancy-free. Where I’m cautious, he’s reckless, where I’m a saver, he’s a spender. Most importantly, when I’m on my own, I take care of business. When he doesn’t have someone to answer to, he’s destructive. And my moving out had to be kept a secret for that reason.
But the other thing that I kept even more under my hat was that I moved in with PiC.
It felt like a cheat.
He refused to talk rent, he refused to talk bills, he refused to talk 50/50 anything. As far as he was concerned, it made the most sense for us to be living in the same place (literally, not just in the same city) at the same time, he was already paying a mortgage regardless of where I was or what I was doing, I needed time to get back on my feet and settled, and I already had too many expenses. Never no mind that the responsible thing to do was to talk out our expectations, household duties and I always always pay my way.
It drove me nuts. But I had two weeks to find a place, my family’s expenses eat up at least 70% of my take home salary and that’s before I’d factored in personal living expenses. It was really hard to make any sort of functional budget including rent, food, insurance. So, uncharacteristically, irresponsibly, I took a leap of faith and moved in with him.
Stay tuned….
July 3, 2010
One of the hardest things about having moved away from family and friends is that there’s no way I can swoop in and visit whenever someone’s ill, depressed or distressed. That was probably the best thing about being unemployed/freelancing: when situations came up, I could be there for people.
In fact, the way people tend to hermitize when they’re going through rough times (which I’ve been doing myself for three months, so I’m not throwing stones), I’m not even likely to know that they’re having a bad time of it until well afterward.
I’m attending an old friend’s wedding this weekend and it happened to put us in the right place for once. PiC’s sibs were expecting and their wee one was born early in an emergency situation. We’ll be able to visit them in the hospital and help out over the weekend if there’s anything they need.
My fingers are crossed that the health situation resolves soon and they can enjoy their new addition without this extra concern soon.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and an extra day off for those who have Monday off.
May 15, 2010
It’s been long enough since any graduations of my own that graduation ceremonies are now utterly unmotivating. Or so I say now. May is a bit early for my taste, but maybe around June I’ll feel the energy from Pomp and Circumstance!
In the meantime, there’s something about a) coming back to my old room and b) traveling on a Saturday that makes me just want to hole up like a hermit and so that’s what I’ve done today.
I’ve emerged to spend $30 in pursuit of grooming and feeding. Both were good.
The latter was a catch-me-up session with a dear friend whose family news left me stunned and wandering the mall with unseeing eyes for half an hour until my brain cleared. While there were no deaths, there was a close call, and several other life events as defined by say, your health care provider for qualification to change your plan have or will occur. None of the good ones, though. The best I could do with give great big hugs and wish things would improve, rapidly. Y’know the weird thing? I felt guilty. It all happened after I moved, and I thought, “well crap, my world didn’t completely fall apart aside from that one really tough week, but your family took the hit.”
It felt like the odd void of disaster in my family was moved to someone else I love. Crazy, I know.
In any case, I’ll be writing the usual cousin check for a graduation and another four years completed. As always, I’m inmensely proud and scrambling for an appropriate card to tuck it into because darned if I didn’t take the box of cards up north with me when I moved!
And can I say? I’ve missed this crazy SoCal sun!! I’ll have to remember how not to get sunburned tomorrow.
March 29, 2010
Writing about thrift and the essence of making the best of your life reminded me that it’s been two years and two months since my grandma died. She couldn’t be a physical presence in my childhood but she represented incredible strength and integrity that informed my developing character.
Seventy-five years ago, my beloved grandmother married into a wealthy (in name only, at that point) family with only her bridal money, wedding clothes and her wedding ring. Her father-in-law, a landowner, had gambled away the family fortune, and the clock was ticking on the call date from his last throw of the die. At the time of their wedding, he had less than three years to pay the price of the final debt or forfeit thousands of acres of unworked lands. His children despaired and gave up the land as lost.
Armed with no more than an 8th-grade education and the instinctive determination to reclaim her new family’s property, she rolled up her sleeves and set about creating wealth from the lands. She directed my grandfather in his new duties, walking out the land each day until she was fully satisfied that she knew the terrain down to the last bit of soil, and made her plans.
She contracted out one-half of the land to farmers who could only afford to rent the use of the land, third world sharecropping, with specific terms – they were responsible for their own equipment and maintenance and in return for the use of the land, pay a set percentage of their yield. Her personal cash was strictly budgeted for her own operations on the rest of the land and storage facilities. Not only did she intend to make an income from the land, she meant to keep the entire operation a secret from the debt-holder hundreds of miles away. Her family knew but expected little result. “Too much work, too little time,” they said.
She didn’t just pay people to work the land, she worked it herself every single day. Growing, processing and storing rice over the course of multiple growing seasons, she guarded against word getting out that she would have rice to sell, and sent Grandpa to keep up the ruse by asking for short extensions on the final loan due date whenever he paid an installment.
When the deadline loomed, she sold all the stored and newly harvested rice.
On the final day, my grandpa’s eldest brother sat down with the banker to whom they owed the debt for the formal title transfer. Instead, Great-Uncle unpacked a suitcase of cash. The man was stunned. After his departure, she turned around and handed the title and deed to her equally shocked father-in-law.
To his credit, he tried to make her take the title. As far as he was concerned, she had rightfully earned every penny that bought back the land, and he insisted she was the new owner. And as was typical of her, she refused, agreeing only to take an appropriate fraction of the land if the rest was parceled out evenly among all his children.
Honor, Duty, Family, Birthright.
She lived her entire life by those watchwords. She raised nine children, fostered dozens of relatives, stood firm when her family and neighbors were caught in the middle of the war, buried a son, supported a son-in-law imprisoned for 15 years after the war, buried her husband, and continued to farm well into her 80s. The woman never blinked in the face of adversity; she served it hot tea and a freshly cooked meal. And a well deserved lecture, if need be.
Fun side note: when she was 82, she ambushed the wildcat who’d been raiding her outdoor kitchen in the middle of the night. She might have been 80 pounds soaking wet, but that never stopped discipline in her house. A whack across the nose, a firm tie-up in the corner of the kitchen so he’d keep until morning, and her poor housekeeper nearly had a heart attack when she inspected the “stray dog” that Grandma had captured. So her eyesight wasn’t great anymore at that age, but is it any wonder no one ever sassed her twice?
Sometimes I wonder what she would have been like in our modern world.
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March 25, 2010
I’ve had excellent dental care over the years courtesy of employer-sponsored benefits, and then thanks to COBRA, so my dental woes have been routinely resolved. My parents, however, have had some dental issues I wasn’t aware of until recently, and I feel guilty about not providing more thoroughly for them since I discovered all was not fine and dandy in their world of teeth. It’s nothing emergent, but I think my dad may need some fairly major work done and I wanted to budget for that ASAP.
My first thought was to get them insured. Naturally, right? It turns out that dental insurance isn’t such a great deal.
A quick review of ehealthinsurance.com showed that I might just be better off self-insuring them.
At an annual cost of $444 plus a yearly deductible of $25 for the cheaper of the only two plans available for this zip code, the policy yields a princely benefit of $500 per person. That’s not all! They’ll offer a grand coinsurance of 0-50% so at times that $500 won’t even be participating in payment of the bills. When it does, it covers no more than 50% of the bill. Essentially I’m paying for the privilege of a partial, sometimes, discount.
The math is only marginally better for the “Enhanced” Plan carrying an annual bill of $1032 with a $150 family deductible. Same lousy excuse for a “coinsurance” and I find myself utterly disgusted. I’d probably be better off saving the cash and sending them to my old (current) dentist with a request for a cash and senior discount.
There’s also a reputable School of Dentistry within 50 miles. An old friend may be able to fill me in on their services or direct me to someone in the know. It’s not a convenient drive, but I’ve heard that they do good work so perhaps on one of the days that he’s free of mom, my dad could get his teeth examined. Their online quote ranges from $50-$88 for an initial exam, all necessary x-rays, study models and a treatment plan. That’s a heck of a lot better than my dentist’s quote of $60 for an exam and additional $35 per x-ray (usually about 4-6 films taken) for a total of $250 for them to tell us what they’re going to do and how much that’ll cost.
Lastly, I should check with my dentist friend about a personal referral. He’s got relatives in the field, they might be more affordable than the local dentist and worth adding to the list of errands they run out in that area.
September 25, 2009
For the first time in years, I got birthday money! Yay! My cousin claims it’s from my aunt, but I suspect they colluded because cousin is younger than I and there’s an unspoken rule that money only flows down the age stream. Also my unemployment status probably has something to do with it.
This happy circumstance was marred by the discovery that my dad has been hiding over $500 in traffic fines from me.
Injured pride is one thing. Making foolish short term decisions that have negative long term consequences to protect that pride is another entirely and I can’t tolerate it anymore. I’m not one to talk back to my parents, I believe in maintaining a respectful, adult relationship, but darned if I let him get away with this lightly. I resent the fact that I have to lecture him for lying to me. If he’d just been honest with me in the first place, we’d be a team, not this unnatural reversal of parent-child roles.
It’s less that I’m now out another unbudgeted $500, and more that I was raised never to lie and yet here I am, 27 years old and unable to trust my own father. I have to weigh the likelihood that he’s just covering up another wrong. Is this what having bad kids is like??? What would you do if you could no longer trust your parent(s)? Or your entire family? Never in my life have I wanted to run away more.
*aggravated*
But you know. Birthday money. It’d cover the careless forgetting to pack funeral clothes thing, if I’d remembered to bring the gift card with me. As it is, I’m going to have to make an emergency trip to H&M for some suitable pants or a skirt because I was in a hurry to return with the family to the hospital. Also, I had no idea we’d be having the service within two days of his passing. So if I spend about $20, it’ll be cheaper than driving 4 hours round trip to pick up what I have at home. To make up for it, I’ll use the GC to pay the electric bill.
Forgot my pants, forgot my gift card, next thing you know, I’ll be forgetting my own head!
March 28, 2009
There are a billion and one articles in the pf blogosphere on saving (or not) money when planning a wedding. That’s not what this is about. I’ve linked to a few of the more recent conversations, some controversial, some not, about weddings below if you want the juicier stuff.
I’ve put weddings out of my mind for the foreseeable future, but my family has a few cultural traditions that amuse me. I’m opting out of most, but they’re still fun to editorialize on.
1. Invitations: Seeing invitations on the kitchen table is what prompted this post. In all the ways money is saved or spent in wedding planning, the bride and groom can count on the clumping of families to save on mailing costs. They pick one person who can be relied on in each branch of the family, and send all the invitations in bulk to that one person. Cost of sending ten invitations to my family for distribution: $1.85. I’m betting there aren’t even RSVPs in there because they depend on the family grapevine to deliver that news since people are terrible about RSVPing. (This would drive the plannerly side of me insane.)
2. Wedding gifts: We’re Asian. We give cold hard cash, enough to “cover” the plate just means about $50/person, now. My family does not impose this expectation on guests from other cultures, so you can invite your bosses, coworkers or other ethnically inclined friends without having to shun them afterward for improper gift giving. (There’s never a registry though, so that doesn’t make it easier on the non-family guests.) Anyway, as my parents explained it, there are two parts to the traditional wedding, and the money involved.
3. The morning ceremony: This is the “religious” part of the wedding, generally only family and very close friends are invited to this session. Most of my family is Buddhist or just observe Confucianism, so it involves the groom’s family bringing the representative symbols of the bride’s dowry in the form of a roast pig, fresh fruit, and bottles of wine or liquor. Also, jewelry for the bride. I know it’s awful, but it’s one way to see how much the groom’s family likes the bride. If they break out awesome sparkles, they love you lots. If the necklace and earrings are lackluster, watch out, your in-laws are not cool with the marriage (or you). Good time to find out, eh?
At the tea ceremony, the red envelopes stuffed with cash are presented to the bride and groom as the new couple share a cup of tea with the guest. A rule of thumb: the older the guest, the closer the relationship, the more money you’re expected to fork out. My parents had to give her siblings upwards of $500-$700 each, back in the day, in addition to paying for parts of the wedding. Then again, we don’t keep track of who gave what (I don’t think we do). It’s all put into a bag or basket anyway, so if the guest wants to remain anonymous, that’s fine.
Traditionally, the bride’s family hosts this part of the day, and serves lunch to all the guests. The bride’s parents get to keep all that money from the morning ceremony. It’s “repayment” for all the weddings they attended in the community. I always wondered what the groom’s parents got their share. If everyone followed these rules, they seem to get gypped.
4. The evening portion is the reception. Guest lists can easily surpass 400-500 people if you’re so inclined, and with an extended family like mine, we could fill that many seats on my side alone. Again, the gift expectation is cash, but the bride and groom get to keep that money. It usually goes towards covering the cost of the wedding, reception, etc. Some people, in Eastern European countries or Asian countries, actually plan to make money off their wedding. It’s part of their accepted cultural practice, and it’s all very interesting to see that kind of planning. One girlfriend used to call me and tell me in hushed tones what her brother in law was doing this time to minimize expenses and maximize profits from his upcoming wedding. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard my uncle dismiss my wish for a small wedding to reduce costs, “Pf, why make it small? To save money? Don’t worry! Invite everyone you want, the gifts will help pay for the wedding.”
Well, no. *shrug* I hate being the center of attention, and my guests are not cash cows so the whole thing is not my bag, but I know they think I’m being silly. Shhh, they don’t know that if I’m getting married, I’m doing it my way!
5. Thank yous: If you’re going totally traditional, you don’t send thank you cards. Most weddings will have photographers taking your photo with the couple at the reception’s receiving line, and some will print those out for you to take home. Just like Medieval Times.
Makes sense, if everyone gave you cash. What would you say? “Dear Auntie, thank you for the lovely $200, we’ll display it on the mantle”? “It’ll be a great part of our down payment”? I’m kidding, of course you could write a lovely thank you note for their attendance. Really, the potential anonymity of the gift-giving plays into this part of the tradition, as well as the usually outsized guest lists that can frequently include more than 100 guests you’ve never met or haven’t seen since you were three. It happens.
Oh, and the photos have a “thank you for attending” printed on them. Sooo … free pass! 🙂
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Obviously, all of these little traditions and accepted practices are specific to our family. The reason they “work” is because most weddings are still considered formal affairs that include negotiations, love match or not. Weird? Yeah. Definitely. But it does makes sense to discuss all the expectations when there’s obviously so much emotion, time and money invested. From my parents’ generation, I’ve even witnessed the debates over acceptable negotiators! My dad was frequently requested as a go-between for the bride or groom, to speak on their behalf to the other side’s parents and work out the details of how the wedding would be handled, so I heard more about the nuances than most kids.
Still, I’d like to make my own path because after being involved in so many traditions, it feels like a bit of an ordeal. I want to be able to sit and talk with my family and friends, and know that the people attending actually cared. Bratly it may be, I’ve paid my family dues so I’d like to have a bit of fun for my wedding.
Wedding talk
Paranoid Asteroid: 10 frugal things I’m not doing for my wedding
When people ask how you can spend $30K on a wedding…
