About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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August 21, 2015
This is a bit of a brain dump.
It’s Friday and on the one hand, holy crap, what have I gotten done this week?? I made it through 4 week days with unusual probably fibro-related brain fog and 4 bouts of my glucose levels bottoming out leaving me shaky, dizzy, and almost gasping for breath. Got some work done. Didn’t get any of my real writing done.
On the other hand, THANK GOODNESS it’s Friday.
I am grateful beyond measure for Fridays right now. This level of relief’s normally the sign to quit my job and move on, most people TGIF because work is so very onerous, but that’s not precisely my problem. I am at odds with my job, it’s true, but it’s manageable even when I take on too much. Usually I just power – or muddle – through but it takes more of a toll some weeks than others. This week more than last. Frazzled is not usually my thing and it’s usually a sign that something is twirling off the axis.
It’s the short break from being Juggler and Timekeeper Extraordinaire that I crave. There’s a sense, during the week, that every single minute has to be used wisely. During naps, between naps, I have to be Getting Everything Done. That go-go-go feeling is draining.
On the weekend, it’s ok to clock out of Mom duty and hand the Adorable Creeper over for a break. We can take turns, it’s not just a hamster wheel of work / child / housework / child / work / child / housework.
We didn’t do much on our weekends, in the pre-LB era, except when we did too much. I like that our weekends are a little more even keeled now. I like that I actually want to take small outings occasionally. It makes me feel human again. We went to the Ferry Building and you all know how much I love doing that. We might even go so far as to take the family to a little farm and meet farm animals. For FUN.
My days, since last month, are a little less hectic than before but they remain nonstop. LB needs a third nap now and that’s great. I get quite a lot done during naps and late into the evening but I haven’t made the time to work on my extracurricular projects as much as I ought to. I need to do more writing. A LOT more writing. I need to test some business ideas and determine my next steps after this job is over.
I do have time but it happens in bits and pieces so it’s not useful for tackling the bigger chunks of either project. The trick will be to figure out how to smush those bits together to make a usable large chunk, like the ends of soap. Until then, my anti-stress mechanism is, as always, planning so that’s where my little time chunks go. I research our next trip, our next investment, our next credit card.
Under the good news column, PiC insisted that I take some real me time, and I caved. So I’ll do that.
Also, I stretched out of my comfort zone agreeing to do an interview on Jessica’s podcast. It won’t come out for a while yet so now I have far too much time to think about how silly I sounded, or how much I rambled, or any number of things.
I blinked and it’s near the end of August. Did anyone see that coming? Before you know it, we’ll be into Fall. And into my birthmonth! I might take a leaf from a good friend’s book and celebrate all month. Low key, but all month, in little ways. Because why not?
Summer is winding down, are you planning any last hurrahs before fall rolls in?
August 19, 2015
Lots of friends have kids in our area and it seems like they all participate in the Scouts.
I love the idea of certain things about the Scouts (the learning to do things, whether it be wildernessy or civilization related) but I never participated in the actual activity myself so I don’t have any fond memories of that experience. From afar, it seems like a bit of fun but also a lot of work. That said, I also have specific objections to the idea of Scouts for LB.
Time, money, energy: let’s be honest, in the Bay Area, we’ll be doing well to live in a place where ze can get a good education and eat well every day. 🙂 We likely won’t struggle like I have in the past, but unless something major changes, we are by no means going to have a ton of discretionary income for extras. And personally, selfishly, I’m a bit antisocial most of the time, I don’t want to have to be part of an activity that I have no personal interest in.
Discrimination: I know there’s a difference between the stances of the Boy Scouts (who discriminate against homosexuality) and the Girl Scouts (who maintain an anti-discrimination policy) so that may inform my decision later but for the purposes of this conversation LB could be male and I’m not ok with supporting an organization that supports any kind of discrimination for any reason. We may not be LGBT but I see very little difference between the reasons for discriminating against those who are as the reasons given for being sexist, racist or age-ist; I’ve had a cropful of justifications for racism and sexism and ultimately, discrimination and the rationale for it isn’t something I want LB to learn is an acceptable practice. It’s one thing to decide that something isn’t for you personally but a whole other thing to impose that expectation on others.
Desire: If LB is anything like me, ze would HATE having to do Scouts. If LB is more like PiC, ze would enjoy it. The only thing I know about LB right now is ze eats like a fiend and gets into everything I want hir not into.
Getting back to the point, there are things I’d love LB to learn in a Scout-like fashion (concrete steps, earning merit badges to commemorate the skills or accomplishment, etc.) and I’ve been pondering doing our own little Family Scouts.
Focusing on things that ze is not likely to learn in school, and not arranged in age-appropriate categories, PiC and I could reasonably impart the following skills to LB in the first ten to fourteen years. Most categories would probably have to be broken down into 1-3 smaller subcategories in order for LB to earn any merit badges before the age of 10, though 🙂
Financial Skills (of course!)
Balancing checkbooks. Not because I expect LB to be using a checkbook but the idea of debits and deposits are really easy to understand in checkbook format
Setting up bill payment, automated and one-time only, and when to do which one
Understanding and explaining the composition of a paycheck. Explain who/what SSI is and how that works
Navigate online banking
Personal Finance Management
Saving. Saving first, then spending from the remaining amount
Investing and compound interest: When and how to invest, and why
Needs vs. wants
Budgeting disposable income
Identifying fixed expenses and learning how to reduce them, and why
Basic tax implications
Health
Staying active regularly and enjoying it
Maintain a balanced diet with all the good stuff and the good for you stuff
Compassion – thinking of others, within reason, is good for both of you
Don’t run with scissors, aka, basic health and safety
Cleaning and bandaging wounds
Automotive
Routine: Check your fluids
Change a spark plug
Clean your brake pads
Change a tire
Jumpstart a dead battery
Change a dead battery
Drive a car (manual and auto)
Drive a truck (manual and auto)
Parallel park
Parking on a hill
Household maintenance
Keeping appliances clean, safely, and in good working order
Keeping furniture clean and organized
Sew a straight seam
Doing the laundry for humans, canines, athletes (a whole other level of stinky)
Kitchen Patrol
Handwash dishes without wasting water.
How to load a dishwasher
Kitchen Tetris: putting things away efficiently
How to clean and prep most common fruits, vegetables, and meats
Cooking basic meals
Baking a decent dessert
Make a decent cup of coffee and tea
Keeping the refrigerator sanitary
Rotate and eating the pantry
Animal Husbandry (dogs or cats)
Clean dirty ears
Trim toenails
Groom a coat
Bathe a pet
Check and brush a dog’s teeth
Check skin and bandage minor cuts and abrasions
Feeding a regular diet and picking up after them
Differentiating between normal behavior and indications of ill health
Outdoors-kid
Safely build a fire
Efficiently pack a backpack
How to use and set up any of the disaster gear in case of evacuation: flashlight, thermal sheet bivouacs, prepping emergency meals safely (choosing when to use flame versus flameless heaters in case of gas leaks), etc.
Travel
Pack for a short trip.
Pack for a long trip.
Reading a map
Using public transit
STEM
Creative problem-solving!
Libraries are great resources
Now we just have to make some cool badges!
::Did you do Scouts? I know I missed other important stuff, what would you add to the list?
::What would you think is an essential life skill?
August 17, 2015
This is the main body of our estate plan.
We’re setting up a revocable trust, the two of us as co-trustees, and most of our assets will be tucked into the trust. As a married couple, we’re electing to create an A/C trust where upon the death of the first spouse, it’ll be split into a survivor’s trust and a marital trust. This protects the deceased’s half of the trust for the intended beneficiaries.
For a real life example, let’s say I die first. I always die first in these scenarios. This leaves PiC and LB with our entire estate. It’ll be split into two trusts: PiC’s and mine. Mine, the marital trust, will be held in trust for LB’s basic needs (food, shelter, education) and for the support of my Dad (food, shelter). His half, the survivor trust, will be his to use as he sees fit for basic needs and so on. Now, should he go on to remarry, his next spouse would presumably have access to his half of the trust, but she can’t lay a finger on my half – LB will never be a modern day Cinderella left destitute because of an irresponsible or conniving second spouse. Uh, not that PiC would be so careless as to marry such a person…. but just in case!
Same goes in the reverse scenario so we can always rest assured that if one of us isn’t around, LB will be provided for.
Now, if we both die at the same time and are survived by LB, the whole trust will then be held for LB and Seamus’s care, again for basic needs until ze comes of age. LB would be the beneficiary of something like 95% of the trust, the rest would be designated for Seamus and our parents assuming they’re still around to need it, but we’re building in safeguards there as well.
First, we’ll designate trusted executors and trustees of the estate to manage the assets so that the wealth we’ve saved for hir continues to grow and can provide for hir as long as necessary.
Second, we’re designating different people to care for hir because I simply don’t want there to be any conflict of interest between the person taking care of hir and the people who can disburse funds from hir estate. You never know what can happen over the course of a childhood and frankly, I think having too free a hand with the estate can mean that liberties may be taken. I wouldn’t pick people who I’d expect to do that but to be completely honest, there are very few people I trust to manage money as closely and carefully as I would, and if my own life experience with money has taught me anything, it’s that things happen out of your control and alter the entire course of your plans. People who haven’t proven themselves through adversity may not respond in the best hoped way to obstacles like job loss or other financial misfortune. I would be a fool not to plan to protect our assets for LB should hir caretakers hit a rough patch.
Third, ze doesn’t get the estate automatically upon turning 18. Ze has to prove that ze isn’t just going to rely on it like a crutch, showing us that ze is responsible with money and earning hir own way. We’ll support hir through university but ze has to be responsible with that gift, too. And it is a gift. I had to pay my way through college and I think that was an important part of making my character.
Last, if we die under suspicious circumstances, everything goes to charity. Ok, that sounds like I’ve watched too much tv, or read too much news, but I don’t think it’s the worst fail-safe to have. And even if we don’t die under terrible and suspicious circumstances, it may still be where much of our wealth goes in the end. I don’t expect my kid to be a bad seed, but who does? I intend to be honest with LB about the estate, in age-appropriate terms, because I want hir to learn to manage money responsibly but I’m not blind to the fact that like my brother, ze may simply not be anything like us and may find that having all that accumulated wealth is crippling rather than a tool for good.
I don’t intend for hir to grow up without us but, while all this may seem morbid, the whole point of this exercise is to make sure that the worst cannot happen. One of the worst things I can imagine is LB being alone in the world, both bereft of family and of material support, left to grow up in far worse circumstances than I ever did.
More Estate Planning:
Estate planning (ICE): Guardianship
Estate Planning (ICE): Life insurance
Estate planning (ICE): Advance Health Care Directive
Estate planning: the In Case of Emergency kickoff
August 14, 2015
An “ode” to Guest Dog. I never thought there would come a day when I declared any dog unlikeable but never say never applies here.
I’ve watched pets for friends and acquaintances for years. It’s never been a problem and I’ve always enjoyed either helping a friend out or making a little extra cash. There were no drawbacks to that job, in my experience. More dog responsibilities meant more dog time! Yay! Until now. We just had a friend’s dog over for the longest week in our history of petsitting. There were regrets. So many regrets.
This dog is a familiar face. She’s usually a terrible companion, but harmlessly obnoxious. She’s not trained, has no manners, jumps on anyone and anything, and would lick even your tonsils given a hint of a chance.
This made her not the most eagerly anticipated guest but I was sure we’d be fine in the end. Boy did I ever call that wrong!
She arrived on our doorstep the first morning and commandeered Seamus’s rug, refusing to allow him to relax in his usual spot near my desk. Fine, he found another place to hang out. She spent the day scratching, and early that evening we realized why.
SHE HAD FLEAS. And she’d spent the whole day scratching herself and shedding flea dirt on our rug by my desk. Fantastic. (Ask FaM just how fantastic this is.)
I immediately hauled out a dose of Advantix flea treatment for her which starts working immediately but that only took care of the live ones as they bit her. Seamus is protected year round. That just left us to serve as the blood bars. And bloodsuckers LOVE me. Wunderbar.
By the time we settled LB down for the night and cleared up, it was 11 pm. There was no time to run around to the shops so we had to pull out the home remedies. We salted the rugs and set out detergent traps in hopes the fleas would die in them.
Two days later, we were still getting bitten. It was time for the big guns – the local shops didn’t have it so I special ordered Fleabusters on the recommendation of several friends. That was insult to injury: $36 and PiC had to spend hours that evening cleaning and treating our floors. The powder is incredibly fine and it was like we’d disturbed the ancient ghosts of tiny dust vengeance. We all retreated from the main rooms, so guest dog was relocated to the bathroom to spare her from the flea treatment and us from her shedding more flea dirt in the carpet. During her confinement, she decided to scratch the paint off the door. So now PiC has to sand down and repaint that door. We really didn’t have anything better to do this month.
To really crown her stay with us, she decided to sink to new lows. Midweek, I was checking her for fleas and flea dirt, bribing her with treats as usual, because she was still scratching incessantly and I was trying to figure out what needed to be done for her comfort. She cooperated for a minute and then took off sprinting for our bedroom and Seamus’s bed. That’s off limits at the best of times but for a flea carrier? Absolutely not! She’s notorious for rubbing herself all over furniture and there was no way I was going to strip down all the bedding and wash it all again in the middle of the night. I failed to intercept her but quickly went to shoo her out of the room, and would you believe she turned to chew on me like I was a corn cob?? Luckily I’ve had years of experience with dogs and was quick enough to avoid getting shredded but she was like a rabid badger so I couldn’t even civilly pick her up or escort her out. She had to be leashed and hauled out.
I had intended to give her a bath before she went home and give her a nice conditioner for her itching but she spent the next three days sidling over and baring her teeth. I shelved that plan.
I have never been so eager or thrilled to wash our hands of a guest dog. The fleas weren’t her fault but she was a pill and a half for everything else.
It’s going to be a very long time before we pet sit for anyone again, even if we do owe them a favor. I’ll make or buy them dinner instead.
I’d vaguely considered hosting on DogVacay as we had a really good experience with boarding Seamus with some great sitters but, after this, I don’t think we’re going to take a chance on that!
August 12, 2015
Baby Kisses: It took me a while to understand why LB would glom onto my cheek like a little suckerfish, and lick my face. Ze is trying to kiss us back! And it’s basically the weirdest, cutest, funniest thing. Ze obviously doesn’t know how we’re kissing hir cheeks, but ze is doing hir best estimate.
***
LB loves to chew on hands, mostly my hands though sometimes hirs are good too, and lick knees. Ze has odd taste.
***
I can’t decide if this belongs here or in a money post but I’m figuring it’s about LB, so … LB is trying out a lot of new foods, just little tastes, but won’t be ready to transition off milk for a while longer. Until then, whether due to fatigue (baby or syndrome related), or not hydrating enough, or some other thing, my milk production has been dropping significantly so we rely on formula a lot. It’s convenient but I hate the cost and I hate the inconvenience and the waste when ze suddenly decides 1 oz into a 5 oz bottle that ze is cranky and doesn’t want that bottle after all. I hate that we have to chuck formula at $1/oz! So I want to keep providing hir almost all breastmilk but it’s just not happening.
***
Speaking of foods, ze has been an adventurous eater indeed. It seems that the last two months of watching us eat and not share has motivated hir to take every proffered food even if ze thinks it’s disgusting at first. I know this acceptance of food may change when ze gets older but it’s fun right now.
***
In what seemed like a flash, LB figured out how to try to push hirself into a sit position from a flat on the belly position, and then learned how to actually sit up. It just … happened. A friend with an older baby marveled at how strong ze was – I didn’t think it was abnormal for a baby to be able to get up on all fours and rock and scoot backwards at this age but what do I know.
***
I keep comparing pictures of LB from when ze was a week old to now and the change is astounding. So much so that it doesn’t look like the same human at all. I birthed a cute tiny alien and it’s turned into a cute tiny human!
***
“Babies need to get frustrated. That’s how they learn.” Great advice from @vanitygames the first time LB was the Angriest of all Inchworms and I felt bad for hir. Now when ze hollers from frustration, ze gets encouragement and a little bit of support after ze has given it a really good try. Independent (angry) baby!
***
I’m understanding why cats imitate baby voices now but it’s really creepy when I can’t tell if that’s a cat yowling on our street or LB waking up from a nap prematurely.
***
Last in the series of vaccines! Ze was a total champ. Angrily screamed for about ten seconds and then sat up like nothing had happened. That’s about the standard for any “but you’re fine” fall when ze topples over and conks hir head not terribly hard. Given how hard ze has head butted me in the face without even blinking, I’ve taken to pointing out that ze is merely startled for most of those very comparatively gentle head conks. After a second, ze seems to agree.
***
I no longer try to soothe most of LB’s crying. Not because I’m a heartless monster, but because most of hir crying is frustration over not knowing how to do something or wanting to do something or just wanting attention. Instead of trying to soothe, I redirect to a new toy and 90% of the time, ze is amenable. Also, I don’t hand hir toys anymore. Ze wants what ze can’t have, so I play with it in front of hir and if ze gets interested, ze’ll leap-crawl over.
Baby Savings: It’s important to remember this is artificially inflated due to not having reliable childcare and not withdrawing cash to pay for the trial nanny days.
Up to$29,346.84.
Month 5: Toes
Month 4: Velociraptor Claws
Month 3: Growth Spurts
Month 2: Hates sleep
Month 1: Banshee
August 10, 2015
I remember talking my parents into letting me get a summer job. They didn’t want particularly want me to work during high school, they made enough at the time to cover my basic needs, so it seemed fair to say that school was my first job and that I should focus on that.
The specifics of that persuasion are lost to the mists of foggy memory but ultimately they led to an exception to the rule: work summers. It’s not that I was too smart or too good to work, hah not even close, they just worked hard to provide for us and it meant a lot to them to be able to spare us from working during our teen years.
As an Honors student, I always had summer assignments but it still left me plenty of time to work a part time gig, whether it was paid or volunteer, so off I went to the Want ads.
Yeah, how old am I that I went to find my first jobs in the newspaper? And you remember the PennySaver? That thing is still around. I spent a lot of time sprawled on the floor, fingers all over in newsprint, circling and marking up the papers.
Those part time gigs barely count for professional experience but I earned about $500 summer of sophomore year and $800 summer of junior year. Every penny was (piggy)banked after taking out cash to pay for First Dog’s vaccines and vet visits. Seriously, folks, tell your kids they’re responsible for any pets in the house? Mean it. My parents did. Once I was old enough to earn income, the vet bills came out of my pocket. That, more than anything, taught me that pets are a responsibility, not just convenient mobile toy friends. A shame that I knew absolutely nothing about investing back then.
If I’m recalling correctly, that cash then paid for all my senior year expenses like a yearbook, tickets and a discount dress for prom. Again, not withdrawing from the Bank of Parents for my “fun” things meant that no money was wasted on foolish things like a class ring. Just the few things I thought were worth it.
Looking back now, even the yearbook was a waste of money. Who looks at those things after you graduate, anyway? Who remembers those random thirty people that signed it? And did anyone really keep in touch because of those three little letters “KIT”?
My first real paycheck, at a real not-just-for-the-summer job, was exciting stuff. Real money for real work – real satisfaction!
I wasn’t even 18 though, so after opening the envelope and petting the check, all I could do was stuff it in my piggy bank until I could open my own bank account. I wasn’t about to pay to get that baby cashed, and symbolically it was important that it go into my own account now that I was a real adult, so it was deposited about 7 weeks later into my very own, brand-spankin-new Washington Mutual, no fees ever, checking account. (Ah, the good ole days, before bank bailouts and subprime mortgage folly!) The first things that check paid for were a fundraiser roll of gift wrap which I still have, and a credit card bill for my college tuition.
The world still seemed bright back then, with 5% interest rates on savings accounts and great credit card bonuses though I hadn’t yet discovered churning.
Do you remember your first job(s) and paycheck(s)?
Note: There was something magical about the first month of this job – nothing had gone terribly wrong at home yet. These first checks were really for me and my expenses.
August 7, 2015
Abby at I Pick Up Pennies was kind enough to bestow upon me the Sunshine Blogger Award and tag me with some questions.
1. What’s the best thing you’ve purchased or been given in the past six months?
Honest first answer: I can’t remember.
Slightly more thoughtful second answer: 3-way tie between on sale t-shirts, a dress that I can actually wear for a semi-fancy event… (I can’t remember my 3rd but it was good! I swear!)
2. What’s your favorite snack? (No one gets to say fruit.)
But I love (some) fruit! Probably not my favorite, though. Honey roasted peanuts, then.
3. What form of exercise do you hate the most. (“All” is a perfectly acceptable answer.)
Anything that cripples me. I actually like exercise, in theory. I just hate when it puts me out of commission for days or weeks.
4. If you could afford/manage to live anywhere, where would it be?
A few small towns over, probably, for slightly better weather. Or, given the dire predictions about the next Big One in the Bay Area or the next Super Destructive Big One that should sink Seattle, maybe Colorado or Arizona? I like where we are, now, but the real estate market is terrible and it’s all liable to go smash when we have a real quake even if we could afford ridiculous prices.
5. What’s the geekiest hobby or pastime you have?
Being me. No, that’s not an answer. I need to chart progress on everything I do? I SDCC every year? I still stay up late reading comics when I can?
Over to y’all!
Want to answer the questions that Abby posed? You know you do! Make yourself at home in the comments!
Nominations!
If you’re so inclined to participate, I’d like to pass the award along with Abby’s questions to people who could probably answer them better 🙂
Save. Spend. Splurge.
NZMuse
Sense to Dollars
Budget and the Beach
Nicole & Maggie