About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Read More
August 28, 2015
Our interest rate on the mortgage sucks at 4.8%. Because our HOA is engaged in some legal shenanigans and no lender will refinance a property with the exact scenario we’ve got, we weren’t able to refinance when rates bottomed out. My penny-pinching heart bleeds. Yet another reason to thank the HOA. I gave it another go when I found SoFi, a new lender that started out in student loans and recently branched out into mortgages.
I’d forgotten what our break-even number was, so I went searching for a new calculation at the same time. I’ve banked with Citibank for ages so had a look at their rates while I cleared out a checking account. They offered an overly simplistic way of calculating break-even: The typical formula for calculating your break-even point is to divide your refinance closing costs by the amount you’ll save each month with your lower mortgage payment.
For example, if your refinance costs total $5,000 and refinancing will save you $200 a month, it will take you 25 months to break even. If you don’t plan on staying in your house for that long, refinancing might not make most sense in the long run.
That’s shortsighted. Looking at the monthly “savings” misses the point which isn’t just to save a bit per month, it’s to save vast amounts over the life of the loan. And it ignores the fact that in some cases, you can choose to change the life span of the new loan to a shorter one (and probably should) which may cost as much or even more than you’re paying monthly.
That’s the case for us: I’m not going to refinance a 30-year mortgage for a new 30-year mortgage – that’s just going to add to the total interest we’d pay over the life of the loan. I’m looking for a 15 or 20 year fixed rate.
My application was quickly pre-approved but we only got as far as a rate estimate and then stalled. It was looking really good: 2.8% fixed for 15 years.
The break-even calculator cautioned me:
Change in monthly mortgage payment: Additional $29 per month
Um, really? We would happily pay an extra $29 per month to save THIS MUCH over the life of the loan. HAPPILY. 
The estimated closing costs, right before I provided documentation, stopped me short though: $10,000. Excuse me?? I shot off an email to them. After several go-arounds, that was revised downward drastically to “only” $3500 give or take, but underwriting said they wouldn’t (sigh) touch our loan for the same reason all the traditional banks wouldn’t.
Drat and blast.
I hadn’t quite started up mentally investing that extra $10,000 a year for the next 15 years that wouldn’t ultimately end up in the bank’s coffers by way of interest but I’d already gotten attached. Can you blame me?
August 25, 2015
Status: Flattened, with feet up. It’s the only way I can write, with the few still-functional fingers, when my hands, arms, shoulders, and back are racetracks for searing, electro-shock variety pain. After etching grooves deep in my bones, the pain creates a fatigue swamp, literally knocking me out for a few hours. By Day 5, staying conscious is an accomplishment. I spent Days 1 and 2 waking up from that haze wondering what the heck time it is and when I passed out.
Looks like I overdid it. Or maybe it was all due to fall apart right about now. I’m not sure. Navigating that balance between doing what you “can” but not taking on too much is like blindfolding yourself, spinning in circles, then trying to unlock the master lock of a door with ten identical knobs. With a toothpick. It’s a crapshoot. There are no reliable signals to follow.
Add to that, moderation was always a special sort of hell for me.
I want to do more. I know I shouldn’t actually do it but I always want to do more and usually telling me “you can’t” is like pitching a lit match into a hay bale and saying don’t burn. Before my pain became chronic, pushing myself was a treat.
When I walk a quarter of a mile, I want that next quarter. If I run a half, I want another half. That was how I worked up to my first mile under 8 minutes, was how I competed in my chosen sports, was how I fought my way up, professionally. I still remember learning about building stamina from my first great P.E. teacher. Youth was on my side back then too, but the regimen was sound. Performing exercise to failure (also known as: until you can no longer maintain perfect form) was the first of many steps to building strength and endurance.
“No pain, no gain” was my actual motto. Fool.
My body doesn’t respond to that tearing down of muscles the same way anymore. It doesn’t work normally anymore. It stopped being normal half a lifetime ago.
I was never a quick study, though heaven help me, I’m some kind of stubborn. At first, the trade-off for pushing through, even if only by 15 or 20 minutes, was “only” days of crippling pain. Later on, crushing fatigue joined the party. An afternoon running errands cost two days of bed rest. A couple hours of exercise cost a week of mobility. Three weeks, once, when I was particularly boneheaded. If -no, when- I challenge myself, push myself just another eighth of a mile, just another five minutes, “just another” crashes down around my ears. It becomes a choice to sacrifice all other life activities like feeding myself or bathing. It should have been obvious, but it still took more than a decade before I accepted it.
Having accepted that fact, now, it’s a whole other struggle.
It’s battling my own instincts to get up and get out because to do otherwise is lazy except that to do so is to hamstring myself because I’m down to my last Energon Cube. It’s trying to parse the muddled and confusing signals correctly so that I don’t cross the line, but “stay active!” How do you tell when enough is enough if sometimes you’re feeling as close to fine as I get, don’t feel like you’re overexerting, but only crash the moment you stop moving? What do I go on, if I can’t trust how I feel?
To make things even more confusing, once every several months or so, for a couple hours it’s like the sun is shining on me. I have energy and only medium pain, the fatigue has backed off and I’m like unto a Tiny God of Getting Shit Done. For those brief magical hours, anything seems possible. That’s not today’s problem though.
As usual, I’m not the only one who’s had a rough few days. Abby has, as have a few other friends. I call a do-over on a crappy wasted weekend!
August 24, 2015
I’ve been a little complacent about money lately. I don’t track our expenses down the penny like I used to. I pay our bills twice a month, some of them are automated, and that’s good. This saves precious time.
But! There’s room for improvement. (There always is.) And there’s always too much to do. So rather than waiting until I have a lot of time, I’m going to do a little money thing everyday. I’ll tweet it under the hashtag #1GoodMoneyThing and I’ll also share it here.
What’s a good money thing?
Almost anything that involves your money, in a good way! Simple as that. Doesn’t have to be a great grand event, doesn’t have to take hours. Heck, I’ll even include anything that’s good for your health since money means squat if you’ve got one foot in the grave!
Saturday: I started up researching refinance options again. Our mortgage is currently financed at 4.8% and that’s pretty high, but we’ve had problems getting any bank to touch the loan because of some HOA shenanigans. Time spent: 1 hour.
Sunday: Via customer service chat, I added PiC as an authorized user on our phone plan so that if I am suddenly incapacitated or I croak, he can manage the account. Time spent: 3 minutes.
Care to join me?
It’ll be fun! I’m going to try this for a month, and then maybe weekly. We can give each other ideas. Comment here or use the hashtag so I can add your updates to future posts!
August 21, 2015
This is a bit of a brain dump.
It’s Friday and on the one hand, holy crap, what have I gotten done this week?? I made it through 4 week days with unusual probably fibro-related brain fog and 4 bouts of my glucose levels bottoming out leaving me shaky, dizzy, and almost gasping for breath. Got some work done. Didn’t get any of my real writing done.
On the other hand, THANK GOODNESS it’s Friday.
I am grateful beyond measure for Fridays right now. This level of relief’s normally the sign to quit my job and move on, most people TGIF because work is so very onerous, but that’s not precisely my problem. I am at odds with my job, it’s true, but it’s manageable even when I take on too much. Usually I just power – or muddle – through but it takes more of a toll some weeks than others. This week more than last. Frazzled is not usually my thing and it’s usually a sign that something is twirling off the axis.
It’s the short break from being Juggler and Timekeeper Extraordinaire that I crave. There’s a sense, during the week, that every single minute has to be used wisely. During naps, between naps, I have to be Getting Everything Done. That go-go-go feeling is draining.
On the weekend, it’s ok to clock out of Mom duty and hand the Adorable Creeper over for a break. We can take turns, it’s not just a hamster wheel of work / child / housework / child / work / child / housework.
We didn’t do much on our weekends, in the pre-LB era, except when we did too much. I like that our weekends are a little more even keeled now. I like that I actually want to take small outings occasionally. It makes me feel human again. We went to the Ferry Building and you all know how much I love doing that. We might even go so far as to take the family to a little farm and meet farm animals. For FUN.
My days, since last month, are a little less hectic than before but they remain nonstop. LB needs a third nap now and that’s great. I get quite a lot done during naps and late into the evening but I haven’t made the time to work on my extracurricular projects as much as I ought to. I need to do more writing. A LOT more writing. I need to test some business ideas and determine my next steps after this job is over.
I do have time but it happens in bits and pieces so it’s not useful for tackling the bigger chunks of either project. The trick will be to figure out how to smush those bits together to make a usable large chunk, like the ends of soap. Until then, my anti-stress mechanism is, as always, planning so that’s where my little time chunks go. I research our next trip, our next investment, our next credit card.
Under the good news column, PiC insisted that I take some real me time, and I caved. So I’ll do that.
Also, I stretched out of my comfort zone agreeing to do an interview on Jessica’s podcast. It won’t come out for a while yet so now I have far too much time to think about how silly I sounded, or how much I rambled, or any number of things.
I blinked and it’s near the end of August. Did anyone see that coming? Before you know it, we’ll be into Fall. And into my birthmonth! I might take a leaf from a good friend’s book and celebrate all month. Low key, but all month, in little ways. Because why not?
Summer is winding down, are you planning any last hurrahs before fall rolls in?
August 19, 2015
Lots of friends have kids in our area and it seems like they all participate in the Scouts.
I love the idea of certain things about the Scouts (the learning to do things, whether it be wildernessy or civilization related) but I never participated in the actual activity myself so I don’t have any fond memories of that experience. From afar, it seems like a bit of fun but also a lot of work. That said, I also have specific objections to the idea of Scouts for LB.
Time, money, energy: let’s be honest, in the Bay Area, we’ll be doing well to live in a place where ze can get a good education and eat well every day. 🙂 We likely won’t struggle like I have in the past, but unless something major changes, we are by no means going to have a ton of discretionary income for extras. And personally, selfishly, I’m a bit antisocial most of the time, I don’t want to have to be part of an activity that I have no personal interest in.
Discrimination: I know there’s a difference between the stances of the Boy Scouts (who discriminate against homosexuality) and the Girl Scouts (who maintain an anti-discrimination policy) so that may inform my decision later but for the purposes of this conversation LB could be male and I’m not ok with supporting an organization that supports any kind of discrimination for any reason. We may not be LGBT but I see very little difference between the reasons for discriminating against those who are as the reasons given for being sexist, racist or age-ist; I’ve had a cropful of justifications for racism and sexism and ultimately, discrimination and the rationale for it isn’t something I want LB to learn is an acceptable practice. It’s one thing to decide that something isn’t for you personally but a whole other thing to impose that expectation on others.
Desire: If LB is anything like me, ze would HATE having to do Scouts. If LB is more like PiC, ze would enjoy it. The only thing I know about LB right now is ze eats like a fiend and gets into everything I want hir not into.
Getting back to the point, there are things I’d love LB to learn in a Scout-like fashion (concrete steps, earning merit badges to commemorate the skills or accomplishment, etc.) and I’ve been pondering doing our own little Family Scouts.
Focusing on things that ze is not likely to learn in school, and not arranged in age-appropriate categories, PiC and I could reasonably impart the following skills to LB in the first ten to fourteen years. Most categories would probably have to be broken down into 1-3 smaller subcategories in order for LB to earn any merit badges before the age of 10, though 🙂
Financial Skills (of course!)
Balancing checkbooks. Not because I expect LB to be using a checkbook but the idea of debits and deposits are really easy to understand in checkbook format
Setting up bill payment, automated and one-time only, and when to do which one
Understanding and explaining the composition of a paycheck. Explain who/what SSI is and how that works
Navigate online banking
Personal Finance Management
Saving. Saving first, then spending from the remaining amount
Investing and compound interest: When and how to invest, and why
Needs vs. wants
Budgeting disposable income
Identifying fixed expenses and learning how to reduce them, and why
Basic tax implications
Health
Staying active regularly and enjoying it
Maintain a balanced diet with all the good stuff and the good for you stuff
Compassion – thinking of others, within reason, is good for both of you
Don’t run with scissors, aka, basic health and safety
Cleaning and bandaging wounds
Automotive
Routine: Check your fluids
Change a spark plug
Clean your brake pads
Change a tire
Jumpstart a dead battery
Change a dead battery
Drive a car (manual and auto)
Drive a truck (manual and auto)
Parallel park
Parking on a hill
Household maintenance
Keeping appliances clean, safely, and in good working order
Keeping furniture clean and organized
Sew a straight seam
Doing the laundry for humans, canines, athletes (a whole other level of stinky)
Kitchen Patrol
Handwash dishes without wasting water.
How to load a dishwasher
Kitchen Tetris: putting things away efficiently
How to clean and prep most common fruits, vegetables, and meats
Cooking basic meals
Baking a decent dessert
Make a decent cup of coffee and tea
Keeping the refrigerator sanitary
Rotate and eating the pantry
Animal Husbandry (dogs or cats)
Clean dirty ears
Trim toenails
Groom a coat
Bathe a pet
Check and brush a dog’s teeth
Check skin and bandage minor cuts and abrasions
Feeding a regular diet and picking up after them
Differentiating between normal behavior and indications of ill health
Outdoors-kid
Safely build a fire
Efficiently pack a backpack
How to use and set up any of the disaster gear in case of evacuation: flashlight, thermal sheet bivouacs, prepping emergency meals safely (choosing when to use flame versus flameless heaters in case of gas leaks), etc.
Travel
Pack for a short trip.
Pack for a long trip.
Reading a map
Using public transit
STEM
Creative problem-solving!
Libraries are great resources
Now we just have to make some cool badges!
::Did you do Scouts? I know I missed other important stuff, what would you add to the list?
::What would you think is an essential life skill?
August 17, 2015
This is the main body of our estate plan.
We’re setting up a revocable trust, the two of us as co-trustees, and most of our assets will be tucked into the trust. As a married couple, we’re electing to create an A/C trust where upon the death of the first spouse, it’ll be split into a survivor’s trust and a marital trust. This protects the deceased’s half of the trust for the intended beneficiaries.
For a real life example, let’s say I die first. I always die first in these scenarios. This leaves PiC and LB with our entire estate. It’ll be split into two trusts: PiC’s and mine. Mine, the marital trust, will be held in trust for LB’s basic needs (food, shelter, education) and for the support of my Dad (food, shelter). His half, the survivor trust, will be his to use as he sees fit for basic needs and so on. Now, should he go on to remarry, his next spouse would presumably have access to his half of the trust, but she can’t lay a finger on my half – LB will never be a modern day Cinderella left destitute because of an irresponsible or conniving second spouse. Uh, not that PiC would be so careless as to marry such a person…. but just in case!
Same goes in the reverse scenario so we can always rest assured that if one of us isn’t around, LB will be provided for.
Now, if we both die at the same time and are survived by LB, the whole trust will then be held for LB and Seamus’s care, again for basic needs until ze comes of age. LB would be the beneficiary of something like 95% of the trust, the rest would be designated for Seamus and our parents assuming they’re still around to need it, but we’re building in safeguards there as well.
First, we’ll designate trusted executors and trustees of the estate to manage the assets so that the wealth we’ve saved for hir continues to grow and can provide for hir as long as necessary.
Second, we’re designating different people to care for hir because I simply don’t want there to be any conflict of interest between the person taking care of hir and the people who can disburse funds from hir estate. You never know what can happen over the course of a childhood and frankly, I think having too free a hand with the estate can mean that liberties may be taken. I wouldn’t pick people who I’d expect to do that but to be completely honest, there are very few people I trust to manage money as closely and carefully as I would, and if my own life experience with money has taught me anything, it’s that things happen out of your control and alter the entire course of your plans. People who haven’t proven themselves through adversity may not respond in the best hoped way to obstacles like job loss or other financial misfortune. I would be a fool not to plan to protect our assets for LB should hir caretakers hit a rough patch.
Third, ze doesn’t get the estate automatically upon turning 18. Ze has to prove that ze isn’t just going to rely on it like a crutch, showing us that ze is responsible with money and earning hir own way. We’ll support hir through university but ze has to be responsible with that gift, too. And it is a gift. I had to pay my way through college and I think that was an important part of making my character.
Last, if we die under suspicious circumstances, everything goes to charity. Ok, that sounds like I’ve watched too much tv, or read too much news, but I don’t think it’s the worst fail-safe to have. And even if we don’t die under terrible and suspicious circumstances, it may still be where much of our wealth goes in the end. I don’t expect my kid to be a bad seed, but who does? I intend to be honest with LB about the estate, in age-appropriate terms, because I want hir to learn to manage money responsibly but I’m not blind to the fact that like my brother, ze may simply not be anything like us and may find that having all that accumulated wealth is crippling rather than a tool for good.
I don’t intend for hir to grow up without us but, while all this may seem morbid, the whole point of this exercise is to make sure that the worst cannot happen. One of the worst things I can imagine is LB being alone in the world, both bereft of family and of material support, left to grow up in far worse circumstances than I ever did.
More Estate Planning:
Estate planning (ICE): Guardianship
Estate Planning (ICE): Life insurance
Estate planning (ICE): Advance Health Care Directive
Estate planning: the In Case of Emergency kickoff
August 14, 2015
An “ode” to Guest Dog. I never thought there would come a day when I declared any dog unlikeable but never say never applies here.
I’ve watched pets for friends and acquaintances for years. It’s never been a problem and I’ve always enjoyed either helping a friend out or making a little extra cash. There were no drawbacks to that job, in my experience. More dog responsibilities meant more dog time! Yay! Until now. We just had a friend’s dog over for the longest week in our history of petsitting. There were regrets. So many regrets.
This dog is a familiar face. She’s usually a terrible companion, but harmlessly obnoxious. She’s not trained, has no manners, jumps on anyone and anything, and would lick even your tonsils given a hint of a chance.
This made her not the most eagerly anticipated guest but I was sure we’d be fine in the end. Boy did I ever call that wrong!
She arrived on our doorstep the first morning and commandeered Seamus’s rug, refusing to allow him to relax in his usual spot near my desk. Fine, he found another place to hang out. She spent the day scratching, and early that evening we realized why.
SHE HAD FLEAS. And she’d spent the whole day scratching herself and shedding flea dirt on our rug by my desk. Fantastic. (Ask FaM just how fantastic this is.)
I immediately hauled out a dose of Advantix flea treatment for her which starts working immediately but that only took care of the live ones as they bit her. Seamus is protected year round. That just left us to serve as the blood bars. And bloodsuckers LOVE me. Wunderbar.
By the time we settled LB down for the night and cleared up, it was 11 pm. There was no time to run around to the shops so we had to pull out the home remedies. We salted the rugs and set out detergent traps in hopes the fleas would die in them.
Two days later, we were still getting bitten. It was time for the big guns – the local shops didn’t have it so I special ordered Fleabusters on the recommendation of several friends. That was insult to injury: $36 and PiC had to spend hours that evening cleaning and treating our floors. The powder is incredibly fine and it was like we’d disturbed the ancient ghosts of tiny dust vengeance. We all retreated from the main rooms, so guest dog was relocated to the bathroom to spare her from the flea treatment and us from her shedding more flea dirt in the carpet. During her confinement, she decided to scratch the paint off the door. So now PiC has to sand down and repaint that door. We really didn’t have anything better to do this month.
To really crown her stay with us, she decided to sink to new lows. Midweek, I was checking her for fleas and flea dirt, bribing her with treats as usual, because she was still scratching incessantly and I was trying to figure out what needed to be done for her comfort. She cooperated for a minute and then took off sprinting for our bedroom and Seamus’s bed. That’s off limits at the best of times but for a flea carrier? Absolutely not! She’s notorious for rubbing herself all over furniture and there was no way I was going to strip down all the bedding and wash it all again in the middle of the night. I failed to intercept her but quickly went to shoo her out of the room, and would you believe she turned to chew on me like I was a corn cob?? Luckily I’ve had years of experience with dogs and was quick enough to avoid getting shredded but she was like a rabid badger so I couldn’t even civilly pick her up or escort her out. She had to be leashed and hauled out.
I had intended to give her a bath before she went home and give her a nice conditioner for her itching but she spent the next three days sidling over and baring her teeth. I shelved that plan.
I have never been so eager or thrilled to wash our hands of a guest dog. The fleas weren’t her fault but she was a pill and a half for everything else.
It’s going to be a very long time before we pet sit for anyone again, even if we do owe them a favor. I’ll make or buy them dinner instead.
I’d vaguely considered hosting on DogVacay as we had a really good experience with boarding Seamus with some great sitters but, after this, I don’t think we’re going to take a chance on that!