About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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March 5, 2013
Sometimes I think the world needs to hear this a little more often.
This is a bit of a follow-on thought from the Marissa Mayer post, and partly inspired by a comment I absolutely agreed with from Cloud’s post, bold emphasis mine.
Laura Vanderkam said “I get annoyed with the carping at successful women for reasons of privilege, etc. When Donald Trump writes a book on success, no one says “well, that’s easy for him to say because someone else is cleaning his bathrooms” or “of course he’s successful because he can afford a nanny.” People who reach the top often have interesting things to say about what it takes to reach the top. Sometimes it’s helpful to listen or read without judging, and if you decide it’s wrong for you, fine. But if a strategy is wrong for you, that doesn’t make someone who used it, ipso facto, a bad person. Yes, I’m referring to the Sheryl Sandberg backlash, but this mindset is out there a lot.”
This is the thing that underlies my frustration with the tearing down of women in specific and people in general when they’re successful. The whiny, self crippling, justifications of why we can’t possibly be “like that” because we’re not privileged.
Many kinds of privilege exists. Absolutely. And in some places, the privilege is truly crippling, I’m not disputing that.
What I am tired of is that the vast majority of people complaining tend to be at least capable, competent of mind and body, and have access to first world amenities that are potential tools. Instead, they dwell on why that won’t work for them.
It makes me think of a story …
…my dad used to tell me of the poor region where he grew up. He was one of the few privileged back then but he clearly recognized the privations that were the norm for the majority of people as recently as 30 years ago, even 15 years ago. He told us this story many, many times.
“Most of the people were so poor that they had one change of clothing a year. If they made enough money to buy fabric, and could afford a needle and thread to sew, they could make a new pair of pants for themselves. Maybe with pockets. Probably not. But, pants.
Their families didn’t have enough money for three meals a day for everyone, they could have one full meal a day. But they were hungry for education. They couldn’t afford books, paper, pens or pencils. Still, they were determined to learn. And unlike here in the U.S., education was not a right. It was a privilege.
The students were so desperate for the chance to learn that they would walk upwards of ten miles to school, and the classes were so big that the students wouldn’t fit into the classroom. So they opened the doors and windows, and the students would sit outside on the ground and listen. They couldn’t take notes, there was no paper, so they memorized the lectures. They had to review the lessons orally.
They had to study this hard because there was an annual exam to pass each grade. If you didn’t memorize everything, you were dropped out of school. And the exam covered everything that was taught through the year. With the limited resources, there was no such thing as grading on a curve, the students who failed would leave the school and have to figure out how to make a living with a grade school education, or however far they got. This was high stakes.
With no tools, with no aids, many of these students – your mother was among them – managed to learn math, science, reading, writing, language at each progressively more difficult level.
No pens, no paper, no computers. But they found a way to learn anyway. What do you need to learn and prosper?
If those people in our generation can figure out how to learn, progress and make successful lives with literally no resources but a sparing food ration, time during the day, their minds and their motivation, can you honestly say there’s anything you truly can’t do?”
No Dad, I couldn’t say that. If I don’t make something of myself, it sure won’t ever be blamed on a lack of privilege.
I was never the smartest kid around but I could damn well try to be the hardest working. With that kind of heritage, that kind of cultural past, I could hardly cop out by making excuses, could I?
I’ve written about my mom as my motivation more than once. I realized that my dad hasn’t gotten as much airtime. Where Mom was the tower of strength and capability in all things, teaching us language in her “spare time, and demonstrating work ethic alongside Dad, Dad was the storyteller in the family, the one who made the past live again for us, linking us to the family and cultural histories.
What’s your inspiration?
March 4, 2013
I played tourist with some friends a while ago in Japantown… then I realized that I don’t live in Southern California anymore. I really am a tourist! So out came the camera.
There was a festival of some sort going on in the center of the plaza, so people and food stalls lined the walkways, ringing in the entertainment “venue”. There were so many Japanese pastries and treats! And cute little knickknacks that I’d never look at twice if it weren’t for the holidaying atmosphere. I had to stop myself from buying completely unnecessary things like (enormous) stuffed critters for Doggle to snuggle.
For the record: when you forgot to pack your bottled water, in genuine LA heat, cold bottled water for a dollar a bottle is very much not a ripoff.
This is where I got to try revolving belt sushi for the first time. You might think such a thing was terrible or you know, no more than a novelty to entertain children, perhaps, and you’d be half right. I was hugely entertained and it was actually pretty tasty.
The key was probably that they did a brisk business and so the sushi on the belts was constantly turning over. It’s no ridiculously good fancy-schmancy sushi, but it’s more than good enough to fill an empty roving touristy belly with a range of basic sushi options and a few delicacies like snow crab and toro.
Such a lovely way to top off a day with friends.
March 1, 2013
There’s been a lot of hullaballoo over the Marissa Mayer decision to stop telecommuting as a standard rule. I thought I was done with talking about it and hearing about it but there was something that still got under my skin.
My reaction? That sucks from a work-life perspective but what’s the business decision behind it?
We don’t know. We aren’t privy to how productive their workers are, we aren’t privy to the balance sheet, we can’t see what she’s aiming to do.
Mayer’s decision is based on what she thinks is right for the business.
Right or wrong, she is the CEO. Her job is to make those decisions.
Personally, as an uninformed outsider, I would extrapolate that the Yahoo employees are actually not as productive as they could be. Yahoo’s been failing as a business for years, and that’s indicative of a failure on several levels: their business model doesn’t work, the employees aren’t excelling, the managers are not doing their jobs to ensure productivity in the office or from telecommuters.
Evidence?
Look at how far behind Yahoo’s lagged in maintenance on their existing products, on developing innovative products, on not eating their putative competition’s dust. Can anyone compare Yahoo and Google without laughing?
What does Yahoo excel at? As their consumer, I’d say nothing.
I still (shockingly) use them because I can’t be arsed to transition everything but they don’t excel at search, at mail, or at news. What’s left? They needed a big kick in the pants, or five, because they’re mediocre, or subpar. That’s not a business I’d invest in.
It’s not inconceivable that this decision makes the most sense FOR YAHOO RIGHT NOW, taking into consideration where they are and the abuses of the system as noted by this Business Insider article.
Bottom Line: If it were working for them, why the hell would she change the policy? If it isn’t working for them, then it’s her responsibility to change it. She was hired to turn a company around. She’d better be doing what it takes.
I can’t stand the claims that she’s a disappointment to feminists…
….that she was the Great Freaking Women’s Hope and she owes the employees a nursery because she gets a private one, or that she’s setting the company back to the stone ages.
She leads a business that employs people. It can employ people only so long as the business is successful, and of course it needs people in order to be successful. Circle of life.
Within that circle, employers provide jobs that pay a wage. “Life essential” benefits like health care, dental, and time off would be nice, even expected from this type of company. Perks like gyms, free food, free transit, subsidized or conveniently located childcare, flexible schedules, etc., are even nicer. They are, however, the mark of a company that has both the money and the willingness to provide them. A competitive company will. One that is struggling to survive will pick and choose. (BI notes, btw, she is willing to provide some of those other perks.)
At the end of the day, it’s a job, not a belief system. They have the right and responsibility to run their business best they can, all employees have the right and responsibility to make the best decision for their lives.
A, As a feminist, I’m tired of the focus on her decision as a woman and as a businesswoman, I’m tired of the insistence that all telecommuters are productive because they’ve been doing it so long.
It shouldn’t matter if she’s a man, woman, teal, or an elephant. It’s not her responsibility to prop up a policy that doesn’t work so that employees are happy. It’s her responsibility to take the long-view, make the business work, make it productive and profitable otherwise there won’t be a company.
B, It’s called WORK from home. It’s being available for conference calls, contributing to solutions, brainstorming creatively, creating new solutions, completing projects.
It’s not: work while with your kids, work and play with the dog, or work when someone’s paying attention and then run errands, or work while helping kids with their homework. Believe me, those conference calls where someone’s helping with homework or soothe a crier can suck.
Having childcare, flexible schedules and telecommuting are all different things. Great or very necessary, depending on your life, but they cannot be conflated.
Being able to set your work aside for two hours in the day to pick up the kids, run errands or take multiple breaks throughout the day w/o affecting your work, productivity or reputation: flexible scheduling.
Being able to take your child to the doctor, play with them, help them with their homework, feed them: childcare.
Being able to work with your laptop on your sofa or in bed or at the dining room table instead of in the office: working from home.
These are all good things. They are, however, NOT the same thing. Mayer’s nursery (childcare) = your ability to work from home? False equivalence. She has childcare while she’s at work but that’s not the same as being home to take care of your kids while you’re working.
Working from home also doesn’t confer ability to do everything you wanted to do at home AND work, nor the ability to split yourself in two. If PiC has the day off when I don’t, I still can’t talk or hang out: I’m working. Yes, it saves you a commute, but the trade off is the ease of face to face conversations that resolve issues in two minutes.
Related: the assumptions people make about working from home drives me (and Andrea) insane.
No, I don’t have time to sit and chat on the phone for an hour.
No, I can’t just come and have a 2 hour lunch.
NO, I can’t make your travel arrangements because I’m good at it so I must enjoy doing that instead of my work during my work day. I have work to do! It’s like I’m in an office.
I worked from someone’s home with his children and guess what happened? I had a kid crawl in my lap every twenty minutes, every single time that child could sneak past her caretaker (surprisingly frequently) insisting on having me “Look! Watch! Come!”, and I couldn’t kick her out. She wouldn’t STAY out anyway. Bet your tuchus I wasn’t answering emails.
This is not uncommon. I’ve worked with many parents trying to work while they were caretaking and they were always distracted; all the colleague-parents who worked from home routinely arranged childcare during the day because they couldn’t do both at the same time.
When Doggle was sick, I spent a week looking after him from home. when I was trying to juggle him and work, my productivity was at 25%. When they were divided, it was 100% him for 6 hours and 100% work for 3 hours.
This isn’t to say laziness isn’t present in the office – of course it is. I’ve had coworkers who didn’t work more than 2 hours a day in the office and 0 outside of it. It took a manager really willing to do her job to put an end to that.
Bottom line: Working from home is great but not when you’re distracted. You are productive when you’re working, not when you’re taking care of your personal life, no matter where you are. A business can’t stay in business if they aren’t effectively managing problems.
C, What corporate CEO isn’t privileged? Heck, non-corporate, non-profit CEOs can be too. She chose to exercise her privilege on a nursery. CEOs also have luxury travel options, massive salaries, they have assistants, secretaries and a dozen other services at their beck and call. The fact that she has a nursery may feel like a slap but why aren’t people bitching about those luxuries that other CEOs have? Is the childcare arrangement of any other CEO discussed and held up as a Call to Action? Working dad CEOs aren’t being called out to provide X because they have Y.
Her responsibility at Yahoo is to run Yahoo as well as she can. Her calls may be good, they may be bad, but the focus on motherhood, working womanhood, to fuel the mommy wars, basically, zeroing in on the fact that she’s a woman is GROSS. To quote Allison.
As a feminist, who believes in equal opportunities, not gender-based special treatment, I’m disgusted with that angle.
:: Alison at Ask A Manager succinctly sums it up.
February 27, 2013
Our favorite diner isn’t open every night for dinner so when we have the odd BURGER-BURGER-BURGER craving, we needed a back up.
Thanks to @chicago_ted’s endorsement, we decided to give Jack’s Prime a try. PiC had heard of it before, I hadn’t, but I’m willing to try food on a single recommendation.
It’s specifically a burger place so they do more than the basic cheeseburger and hamburgers that we can get from the diner. Less complicated than the wildly popular (so I’m told) Barney’s Gourmet Burgers over here but still more complicated than I really need.
I fail to appreciate the super messy burger with spinach, or swiss cheese and mushrooms, chili and sour cream – they’re all a bit over the top for me. A cheeseburger or a hamburger loaded with fresh veggies (and bacon!) hits the spot, every time. Sometime chicken or turkey but otherwise, basic works just fine.
The Voodoo Fries, though, they sounded pretty awesome.
Their burgers are on the pricey side, in my opinion, starting at $9.00 for your basic burger. We settled on two burgers, side of onion rings for an extra $1.50, a side salad and couple of waters. If I was hungrier, those Voodoo Fries would have been MINE, plus the Rainbow Shake. Our really simple but filling meal ran about $26 after tax and tip.
Their food is pretty great and we’ve gone back again after our first taste test. It’s only not our first choice because their prices are rather hefty ($6 for specialty fries, same again for a shake, burgers start at $9) while their serving sizes are a bit skimpy. I can almost count the fries served up on the side, or the leaves in that side salad up there. I might be petite but my appetite typically isn’t.
Any burger lovers out there?
February 25, 2013
These past few months, the television has been on in the background (to lure the dog out of seclusion) for background noise. I haven’t had tv on this regularly since I was a kid jonesing for my cartoon fix.
Some of the commercials are so awful I have to wonder: Does this stuff work on anyone? Personally, these bring out the SkeptiGrinch in me.
Every holiday car commercial ever
Tagline: Give the best surprise/present/gift of love ever!
Image: Red ribbon on a car
Reaction: Because after the surprise of a new car wears off, the cost of a car payment or the car purchase can be your next shiny surprise! WOO! PiC didn’t need to be told he’d be stabbed with a fork if he bought an unplanned brand new car without discussing it with me. And hold the puppy kisses but as much as he’d like a surprise car, he would NOT like what we paid for it.
Toilet Paper commercial
Tagline: Let’s get real about what happens in the bathroom!
Image: Lots of women gushing over toilet paper and very carefully not ever saying poop or pee.
Reaction: When were we pretending that any self respecting bathroom with a toilet wasn’t for poopin or peein? Because that’d be a new one on me. What’s with the completely woman-centric casting? You’re trying to tell me that men don’t use toilet paper? Oh. Right. Men aren’t supposed to care what caresses their tushies. Except believe me: they do. Maybe not to the extent of discussing it on television but strictly speaking, I don’t care that much either.
Local S.F. clothing boutique (Lauren knows my pain!)
Tagline: We really like you!
Image: Women fawning and chitchatting.
Reaction: Get. AWAY. *slaps hands* If I wanted a shopping buddy, I’d bring my own.
They “like” their customers and that’s why we should shop there? Not because they provide excellent products, prices or service? This is a business not a friendship. PLBTTT.
Mirena
Tagline: You don’t have to think about it
Image: Woman yoyoing on the decision of whether to have children. In the background, a litany of side effects including hypertension, acne, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, depression, infertility and very commonly, ovarian cysts.
Reaction: Is that actually worth the risk?
The Buy a Home, funded by no-we-haven’t got an Conflict of Interest Realtors Association
Tagline: “Owning a home increase self esteem and test scores.”
Image: Happy fake families.
Reaction: PROVE IT. Show me those studies.
Also while you’re at it, tell me about the side effects on families when people overreach their means to buy real estate they can’t afford, or have unexpected events like job loss or serious illness that impedes their ability to pay the mortgage because of this myth that everyone should – no matter what – buy a home.
Men’s testosterone supplements
Tagline: It’s just a number, if it’s low, increase it!
Image: A dude confident now that his “numbers” are higher.
Reaction: What Lauren says: 
It’s the rare commercial that’s clever, entertains without being maudlin, cheesy, scary or offensive. Twitter friends pointed me to the recent Toyota “granting wishes” commercial- that was funny and cute. Of course I still love the Volkswagen Darth Vader one, not least because it plays on my geekdom and little kids learning to love it as well. Oh and the Purina (?) dog in training to lose weight commercial is fun.
But I can’t remember the last commercial that made me think, maybe I’ll try that. Can you?
February 20, 2013
Y’ALL.
DISCOVERY! I’m super excited about this.
I’ve been booking travel, lodgings and car rentals for the year’s upcoming travel. “Seasoned” traveler that I am, you’d think that I would have remembered to try something like this before but nope, honestly, it was really just a mistake, a fluke.
My flight was originally booked for a Thursday instead of a Wednesday because once a year or two, I make a stupid mistake like that and book a flight or a hotel or the like for the wrong day. Luckily for me, United has instituted a 24-hour fee-free change period after purchase or this would be a very different post, full of chagrin and grumpy.
This time, my brain fizzle worked out wonderfully. The wrong dates, starting on the Thursday instead of Wednesday, were the dates I left entered into the car rental search page and just left there a few weeks back.
This was what I expected to pay:
Flipping through outdated tabs to close them out, the search page reloaded itself with new rates. My eyes about popped out and did a do-si-do.
Instead of the outrageous $40+ per day I had budgeted for, there was a quote for about $10/day! Even after all the ridiculous taxes and fees that get tacked on, we’d save about two thirds of the expected cost when all’s said and done just by doing without a car the first day.
I thought the difference was either: renting a car the day after triggers the special week-rate instead of a daily rate, even though it showed a much-improved daily rate and they even charge that for the extra day at the end there; or that special rates become active on that specific date. I’m leaning toward the week-rate thing, personally.
The full rental is still more than two full weeks but changing how it’s booked does this:
Start the rental on Wednesday, pay about $53/day every day.
Start the rental on Thursday, pay about $20/day every day.
This isn’t usually a luxury that can be enjoyed while traveling but thankfully, we’re booked to stay at an AirBNB place where the hosts are willing to offer a ride or two. That flexibility lets us spend a bit more for the first days and still come out way ahead.
The new rate:
You’d better believe I jumped on that with both feet.
Of course, before booking, I made sure to double check Fatwallet and Ebates to see who had greater cashback to help defray the surcharges and whatnot. It was only 3% from Ebates but that beats the 1% from Fatwallet. It’s not like I’ll see that money for a long while since the account just paid out and it has a minimum payout threshold but it’s nice to bank a little something for later.
Know what this means? MORE FOOD. Ok, it’s not like I didn’t already budget daily spending money but it’s nice to know there’s some flexibility in the budget now. I only anticipate spending on food and more food.
Pardon me, I’m going to carry on dancing a completely uncoordinated jig over here.
February 18, 2013
It’s a bit of a truism that time is money.
There’s a whole bunch of stuff about paying for “extra time” by hiring out the work you don’t need to do and stuff about activities like watching tv are time and money wasting but I won’t bore you with a rehash of that.
I used to take advantage of every possible earning hour by doing something that might or would bring in the extra cash. But there’s only so many earning opportunities, and frankly I don’t need to spend every waking hour trying to scrape in every single penny. This is a luxury I’ll gladly enjoy.
So the equation’s different for me. It’s not a cash value I assign to the time that I would normally be “off”, it’s the energy and satisfaction return on investment.
(Of course, even as fatigued as I get some days, that Puritan work ethic I subscribe to suggests that sleeping my weekends away is not “worth” it but who said I was great at theoretical maths anyway?)
That got me thinking about how we choose to spend our non-work time.
Money over time choices
choosing the labor: In a very direct time-to-savings thing – PiC participates in a hobby that requires membership in an organization. Part of the membership requirement is a set number of required volunteer hours per year. If those hours are not fulfilled, the organization charges you per hour up to a max of, say, $300.
I suppose “required volunteer hours” becomes oxymoronic: required =/= volunteer, so much. But PiC refuses to budget for that charge, insisting that he’ll be darned if he pays $300 that he doesn’t have to. Here’s the fun part: he’s allowed to claim hours that non-members log with him. So guess who gets roped into the choice to do “volunteer” hours?
As the best wife evar, though, I don’t complain. 🙂 He picks things we can do where, for the most part, I get much-needed sun and he can do most of the work if I’m not really up to it. By our powers combined, we can knock off nearly all the required hours in a day or two.
result: six to ten hours of labor, lots of tired afterward depending on how long we’re on our feet. But those hours are spent doing “recreational” stuff together and equal 1 very grateful spouse.
choosing being “boring”: On tired days, or even just after a really rough week, I can spend my weekend reading, futzing around on the internet and watching tv. NCIS marathons FTW!
I’ve slowly collected a tiny collection of DVDs I cherish to keep me company when I’m having long days alone. FIREFLY FOREVER. <3
result: very little going out. There are times I actively refuse to think of reasons to go out, instead of stay in. Perhaps excessively so. But I am quite entertained. Cheap, cheap date. And indoctrinating PiC in my favorite pop culture. Discovering that PiC actually has a favorite Firefly episode now = priceless.
choosing DIY instead of relying on the professionals: I love trying to cook things at home when the dish becomes a favorite. Also, some maintenance I’d just rather do myself. Likewise, PiC insists on doing some hobby related repairs.
result: lots of cursing, scaring the dog into the furniture and exile, burning of hair stove-top, breaking of tools to save anything from $12-35 at a time. Yields entertainment, the occasional sense of accomplishment or embarrassment: “how long did that take???” We’re not horrible at DIY, but the screw-ups are most memorable.
Time over money choices
choosing to eat out: because eating is good. But sometimes, food is just not worth scraping ourselves off the sofa, bed, or ground to spend a couple hours in the kitchen. Or we just really have to do that other thing.
result: supporting our favorite restaurants, retaining some sanity, discovering new delicious restaurants. Unless they’re not.
choosing professional massages: need I explain?
result: happier body, saner spouse.
choosing a Costco run: instead of going to four different stores to shop sales and coupons.
result: trading the thrill of the bargain hunt and occasionally losing PiC in the morass of Costco on a weekend for less variety in the foodstuffs and fewer stops. And not spending time couponclipping. (Which I actually enjoyed when time wasn’t so precious.)
choosing travel: Much as I hate leaving my precious Doggle behind, and avoid extraneous exertion ;D travel for work or pleasure is always a bit of a learning experience and an opportunity to eat delicious food.
result: Experience and things, I say, each in moderation.
choosing professionals instead of DIY: Most car repairs are now beyond me. In Southern California, there was more room and friends to help test repair notions out. Without a driveway and with fewer tools at our disposal, to the mechanic!
result: Possibly more airtight repairs, more reading up on what a car really needs to avoid unnecessary work, fewer oil stains.
The Choices Not Yet Made
Entirely outside of work and lifestyle stuff that directly relates to money, I still want to volunteer my time to causes I believe in:
I haven’t figured out how to fit in a regular volunteer gig though. They all want some specific time commitment that may be more than I can actually handle right now.
Ultimately, no real issues with how we’re doing things right now with the exception of needing to figure out how to fit in something good. It feels important and perhaps worthy of trading money for time to make that happen.
Are you happy with the choices you’re making right now?