About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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December 19, 2013
I’d always figured I would be, like eemusings, a bullshit free bride, but even more so because I don’t consider myself a “bride” even if we’re doing this wedding thing, more like the Female half of the couple. It turns out my insistence on doing things my way, the clearly LESS stressful way, is still stress-inducing. Y’know, the world would run a lot more smoothly if people would just Do As I Say.
Honestly, I just wanted to plan a fun party with good food, the people I love, some fun music and kick back with everyone and the Dog. And I hope that’ll still happen, but in the meantime, my current status is: I can’t wait to get the damn thing over with. Planning has been a prickly, multi-thorn in my side and the sooner this is over, the better.
1. The most surprising people are unreliable and/or frustrating.
A. Family members who offered to not just help, but to plan the whole damn thing, were incapable of doing ONE task I’d asked them to take care of. I asked them to order 1 food item because it’s easier to order on site in SoCal, and eleven thousand texts and three months later, they still hadn’t done it. Two weeks before, I get a message asking if I want to go with them to the store to order it when I get into town for the wedding. Which is, of course, entirely beside the point of delegating.
B. Friends who said they’d do ANYTHING to help? Total radio silence after I sent them an email asking for their input. I finished that item a month later and still hadn’t heard back from them.
C. Friends who couldn’t manage to RSVP. Now, I know you people can read, I’ve seen it happen. We went to school together and I know you were booksmart enough to read printed text AND you’ve planned weddings. So what possessed you to not read the invitation and actually think: She must not want us to RSVP, anyway I don’t know how? Have. Mercy.
D. Family who are completely preoccupied with how things will affect them: my dad saying that doing one thing my way would kill a lesser man with the shame of it but hey! it’s my wedding and my way so whatever! He’ll suck it up! I didn’t know what truth I spoke as a frustrated kid when I said he was the king of passive-aggressive; my relatives being stupidly clannish and refusing to sit where I planned to seat them because they assumed they’d be uncomfortable and refuse to integrate even one little bit with anyone else because you know, this is really just an event where they should hang out with each other and no one else. Honestly, people. There was no greater justification of that sinking feeling I had when I didn’t want to plan this: no one really cares about this, it’s either all about them or just an inconvenience.
2. The good people will make your heart sing.
A. I asked a very uncrafty friend to come scrapbook with me because I was feeling unloved and lonely. Months of late nights, attempts at crafting and planning alone made me crave company, but she HATES crafting. Without demur, she showed up for dinner and made several scrapbook pages late into the night even after I’d said it wasn’t that important. Just to humor me.
B. Katie (and Ruth and Twitter, I tried to spare the rest of the world a bit) listened to ALL my whining, every time something went wrong. Every. Day. Of. It. And she stayed up in the wee hours of the morning to go through old country music with me, rocking out. It’s probably one of my best memories of planning.
C. SingleMa was frakkin amazing. I pled mercy on the hunt for shoes: I needed a pair that were fancy enough for an event but not so fancy I couldn’t wear it everyday later. It felt impossible & I just could NOT take it anymore. She so graciously let me email her what I liked (but couldn’t have), loved (but couldn’t find), and hated (so many ugly shoes!) and worked her shoe fairy magic, coming back with an extensive list of great options for me to pick from. She nailed it.
D. One set of relatives I haven’t seen in years took my one request and completely ran with it. I have photographic evidence that we’ll be fine with their end of things.
E. The long distance friends who, without a moment’s hesitation, RSVPed an enthusiastic yes even though it involved a long flight, a lot of travel, or otherwise what I’d consider an inconvenience. There is no greater gift than these friends who show so clearly with their actions and their words that they want to share a special day with us. That’s all I was hoping for.
3. Guest lists are the devil’s playground.
Wrassle with the number of people you can invite, cut it down, get into fights over the family lists, chase down people who (see above) apparently don’t think it’s important to respond to that nicely printed piece of paper that asks them to come to a party so BTW TELL US if you’re going to come, and then discover that a whole lot of people who were planning to come aren’t, anymore. *deep breath* It’s enough to make you say: just forget it. Don’t even care anymore.
And rude relatives who invite themselves or their kid’s boyfriends or girlfriends are ridiculous.
4. Service fees and taxes
Did you know that venues will charge you at least 20% service (21% in our case) first, and THEN tax you on the total of all the services, food cost and the service fee? So that’s another 8% on top of 121% of the expected cost. YAY! I expected to pay those fees, but they weren’t clear about how it was applied. Also! We got a whole bunch of things free and they charged us a service fee on the value of those things (a coordinator, for example) so instead of free, it was 21% on the cost. Free: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
At the end of this road, this day isn’t just MY day, or even just our day. Yes, all the decisions are made by us because we’re paying for and planning the whole thing. But it’s about having a nice time with loved ones and making a special memory to shine against the other darker days that we have had so many of. I’ll be grateful for everyone who shows up to have fun.
December 16, 2013
Pacific Rim came out in theaters a while ago, and I have no idea how well it did but it was one of the few movies that appealed enough that I wanted to see it in theaters. When the DVD later went on sale for $8, I snapped that right up. Not because it was $8, I don’t try to own media unless I LOVE it and am willing to watch it 200 times so nothing’s just taking up space. But this movie got a wholehearted double victory fists YES. It’s a quick watch at 131 minutes, fast-paced and light fare, stuffed with plenty of good fun.
By grace of this stubborn cold or flu or whatever I have, I’ve only had the brainpower to sit around and stare so we’ve played the DVD 4 times in the last 2 days. PiC humors me so much.
I saw absolutely nothing in the promo trailers, for a wonder, except ROBOTS and MONSTERS (which is absolutely all it took for me to be in) and so had zero expectations except for fighting robots and monsters. Which I got in spades.
1. Idris Elba as the Marshal. He. Was. Awesome.
2. Idris Elba with the best shut downs ever. When Raleigh tried to walk away from the recruitment. When Mako tried to persuade him that it was her turn. When Raleigh laid hands on him (whoa).
3. The loving father-daughter relationship between the Marshal and Mako, caring moments entwined with their professional relationship without getting weird.
4. Mako’s willingness to confront Raleigh with what she perceives to be his weakness. Her confidence in the ring.
5. Raleigh’s balance as a character: he’s been deeply hurt, he’s been out on his own, but he doesn’t hold any dramatic bitterness when he decides to come back. He doesn’t lash out at the barbs that could have triggered a forced outburst: Newt’s groupiness, Chuck’s arrogance at the dinner table. He does protest things that are protest-worthy but he’s not melodramatic.
6. No schmucky love story! This was hands down my favorite part. A male-female set of leads that battle together, obviously care about each other’s well being, but don’t fall into a stupid love thing that wouldn’t be believable. Doesn’t stop Hollywood from shoehorning in gratuitous love stories in countless movies, but I have no love for them.
7. GIANT ROBOTS! Shades of Veritech, echoes of Transformers, ghosts of Voltron gone by, all the massive fabulous robots! Called Jaegers! Piloted by Rangers! Could you possibly appeal to my 80s loves any more?
8. Why yes, with GIANT MONSTERS! Hello, decades of Godzilla fandom come to life! In shark form, in dactyl form, in classic romping, stomping land form.
9. Chuck getting a well deserved stomping. Ranger or no, he was a jerk.
10. The Ops guy always in his bow tie. Because “bow ties are cool”. (All together now, who says that?)
11. Bulldog!
12. Bonus: Wonderful soundtrack.
And of course my money questions:
What havoc did the constant attacks wreak on the world economy? The Jaeger program required a lot of support but they were “only” dying 2 Rangers at a time. In the meantime, you have a huge defenseless population relying entirely on the mobile robots and a hell of a mess to pick up after each battle, regardless of who won.
Whose bright idea was the wall? Was it meant to be a jobs creator despite the sheer stupidity of the idea?
Politically, who were those politicians running things and making the predictably stupid decisions?
Where did all the materials to build the 250 foot Jaegers come from? Where did the money come from?
Does insurance even exist in the post-Kaiju world??
December 15, 2013
As we pass the 2nd anniversary of Mom’s passing, I’ve been sitting with a good friend who has recently lost her mother, discussing grief and the process of grieving.
In some ways, it’s not a simple thing, not an easy progression of steps, nor a checklist you can tick off one bit at a time and arrive at an end.
In other ways, it really is quite simple to understand the gauntlet once you’ve gone through it.
“I was fine at her memorial. I was smiling and talking to people. It didn’t look like her. It didn’t feel like she was gone.”
Yes. I remember that feeling of surreal unreality.
“I’ve cried every day since burying her. I still can’t go into the same stores that I used to shop.”
Me neither. I’d run, crying, out of a grocery store because the memories were just too much. It wasn’t even one that we visited together. It was the visceral memory of a childhood habit that gripped my heart and wouldn’t let go.
“I keep asking myself why I didn’t take her to X, why did I choose to do Y instead of Z? Why didn’t I ..”
I’ve second guessed every decision I made in the last twelve years. Constantly. I’m convinced that I was the worst daughter ever because the end, ultimate, result was that she died, never having recovered from her illness.
You could float on the sea of “if onlys” and “what ifs” that we create, in our grief, treading and retreading our memories.
Hindsight, as they say, is 20-20.
But is it really? Is it really so much clearer now that events have irrevocably transpired?
A truth I’ve had to learn is that the other choice always seems like it would have been better only because I already know the outcome of the choices I did make. I have no idea what would have happened had I gone somewhere else for undergrad, if I had pursued a Masters or Doctorate. Maybe I would have had to drop out and be even less prepared to do the basics of supporting the family.
There’s a song by Little Texas that gets me EVERY time I hear it.
That knowledge doesn’t stop me feeling bone-deep regret for not pursuing a white collar profession where I could have earned enough to buy her health insurance outright (even though that would have taken years), or for being angry with her, not just her disease, as she became more ill and less mentally competent. I couldn’t take the step back at the time, it was easier to be angry than to accept and understand that I was losing her.
What might have been
In the aftermath, even after nominally accepting that I, mostly, did the best I could, and failed, I wonder what could have been done differently. And I wonder how much of my choices, and non-choices, affected this family.
Before carrying me to term, Mom had a few miscarriages.
What would have happened if I hadn’t been the one to make it?
What if my brother had a brother like he wanted?
Or what if he had grown up as an only child, with all the attention he clearly needed, without a “weak” (but meaner than a pit of crocs) little sister to take care of and be bitten for his efforts?
What if he hadn’t had me to practice his machinations and manipulations on?
What if he didn’t have a “follower” sibling with my personality and strong inclinations to academic achievement to contend with and push against in his attempts to lead me? Would he have actually reached to do something with his abilities instead of playing the comparison game and not even trying?
It’s part of the family lore that after a few days (or weeks, I forget) of getting to know me, my sibling picked me up and suggested they return to the hospital to trade me in for a better model. Unfortunately for him, hospitals didn’t accept returns at the time or I’m sure he would have just taken me himself. Kids feel that sort of thing all the time, but I wonder whether they all really would have been better off without me?
Without an extra mouth to feed, a second child to clothe, educate and worry about, would my parents have been less stressed, and more able to save? Did their circumstances dictate the outcome, or would their actions have been much the same?
Would my sibling have been the productive citizen and son that my parents prayed for? Would he have learned to use his copious people skills and talents towards a job or career, would he have felt the unbearable weight of responsibility that I grew up with, or would that still have eluded him?
Was it my fault, my existing, that played a key role in his failure to thrive? Is his failure to find a niche where he would excel attributable to my combative and competitive nature?
These are intertwined but I can’t help but realize that, like the butterfly flapping its wings, my very existence changed things.
Was it for the better?
I can’t know. I do know that as the surviving fetus, as the kid who did come along second, eventually, whatever ill my coming boded, I always felt a pressing weight. I knew fairly early on about Mom’s miscarriages. I know about the bigger than usual gap in years between my sibling and myself. Where other kids were two years apart like clockwork, we were about 3 years apart and, oh, the strength of will it must have taken for her not to smother me mid-scream in the first nine months I spent crying my lungs out.
It always seemed like I lost the genetic lottery: as the scrawny, untalented (no eye for art, terrible ear for music, only Doggle matches my astounding level of clumsiness), not terribly smart, really a bit of drifter with no dreams, youngest child, I only knew that I had to compensate and overcompensate to justify having made it.
The ghosts of those other babies, the ones my parents never met, haunted me a little. What could they have done with the gift of life? Would they have had the talent? Would they have inherited Mom’s gift with numbers, Dad’s ability to dream for the future? Would he or she, or they, have been the charmers, able to mingle and make friends everywhere they went? I certainly didn’t get any of that, so was that lost with them, leaving me with only remnants of determination and a strange love of containers to work with?
Sometimes it feels like all I have are questions, a sense of those nearly siblings’ unfulfilled potential, the uncomfortable prickles of something like guilt.
Without dwelling on the macabre, there are some studies that suggest that the influence of a sibling, past a certain point in life, is a stronger force in the development of an individual than even that of a parent. Anecdotally, I could see this. I learned from my parents, authoritatively, but I viscerally reacted to my sibling. At a much deeper level, I absorbed what I know of human nature from my interactions with him, by growing up next to him, and observing his experiences. By following my big brother. And I can’t know how my existence, my following, and my watching affected him. A bit like Schrodinger’s Cat, I guess.
Having made it this far, it feels like it’s my job to make good, to redeem the family name. I can’t change the past, I can only work toward the future.
I try not to think about
What might have been
‘Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can’t go back again
There’s no use giving in
And there’s no way to know
What might have been
December 11, 2013
PiC was relatively unimpressed when I announced that our Christmas presents this year were going to be Costco stock.
“… I like Costco….”
Yup. So do most people I know. Fun fact: Costco apparently ed to keep offering mainland prices when they opened up their Hawaii stores. This was from a Hawaii-based friend. We’ve shopped there and while I won’t say all the prices are still on par with mainland prices, they’re pretty close. For a place that easily charges 3-5x more for basics than the mainland, that’s not bad.
I’ve been on the hunt for an addition to my tiny portfolio, so I started thinking over the businesses that I’ve tracked over the years, as well as the businesses we frequent. If we’re consistently willing to spend money at a business that has a strong foundation and cash flow, it makes sense to consider them as a stock holding after some research.
I’m looking for stocks with dividends this round and Costco (COST) fits that bill. Their fundamentals looked tolerably good, though the ratios are on the lower side compared to some other stocks that are flying high. I will admit that my working knowledge of the market is pretty rusty after spending enough years sitting on stocks and not doing a lot of research. It makes Evan’s Investment Club an attractive idea; you’d think this was like riding a bike but apparently I was never that good at riding bikes/stock picking!
I decided the number of stocks I wanted (based on how much cash I had on hand, honestly), the price I’d be willing to pay and set a GTC (good til canceled) stop order at that price.
My portfolio is currently at TradeKing (referral link gets you and me $50) which has been great for my style: simple, low-cost at $4.95 per trade, easy to navigate and good information resources. I buy and hold, reinvest dividends, and balance growth and income stocks.
::Update: I’m now the proud owner of COST. PiC remains slightly indifferent. 🙂
December 9, 2013
Our favorite guesting ritual is cooking a meal for our hosts.
There’s always a bit of shuffling figuring out what to make and cooking in an unfamiliar kitchen but cooking a nice meal for hardworking (often parent) friends and cleaning up for them’s a nice way to give them a bit of a break and thank them at the same time.
For our new parent friends especially, going out is not so much the fun and easy time that it used to be. Depending on the age of the kids, and the parenting style, they’re generally on the hook for crying, projectile food, running, screaming… all ingredients for a good time, right? It’s just easier to eat at home and weird as it is, PiC and I always enjoy a good ramble through the grocery stores wherever we travel.
Grocery shopping in Hawaii was one hell of an eye-opener.
The ingredients for a basic taco night for four adults and 1 child, which probably would have cost about $30 even here in the Bay Area, was a shocking $60. Granted, I wasn’t buying on sale cycles like normal, and didn’t have any coupons either but still, I’m certain we could manage turkey tacos for less than that on the mainland.
That included: 2 lbs of ground turkey, taco seasoning, hard taco shells, tortillas, onions, 5 avocados for guacamole, 2 limes, 1 bag of chips, a few tomatos, and shredded cheese.
I walked the rest of the produce section and aisles to get a feel for the rest of the store and it was equally scary.
Milk is consistently expensive, running between $9-10 per gallon; kale cost 3x more than I would normally pay (between $1-2 per bundle on the mainland; $5 on the island); bananas that are usually between 29-79 cents per pound were $2.49/lb. Apples were nearly $4/lb; and cereal ran $7-9/box.
We often joke that we can’t afford to feed another mouth around here, PiC snacks enough for three and meals that would serve 4-6 don’t last past the first sitdown, so paradisiacal as Hawaii is, we couldn’t even afford to feed ourselves there!
We’re so spoiled by how reasonable food prices are, even in the Bay Area, and especially in Southern California.
December 4, 2013
The question is pretty simple, really: should I get (do I really need) a wedding band?
PiC is in favor.
I am opposed.
My argument:
1. I already have a perfectly lovely engagement ring that he spent a fair amount of money on a few years ago. It does the job just fine and we’ve got to get about ten years of continuous wear out of it before I stop trying to calculate the amortized cost.
2. It does double duty: gem facing up = engagement! gem facing my palm = wedding! I just turn the ring around when I want to see just a band and I’m all set.
3. I don’t even get to wear this ring (or anything) all the time because I have Sausage Fingers Days where I risk the ring cutting off all circulation to my phalanges. What’s the point in getting a second ring that I can’t wear much either?
4. If I were to buy a band, there’s this sense that it has to match this ring. And it’d be nice to like that. That costs … more than I want to spend. A case of champagne taste for a (non craft) beer budget.
PiC’s argument:
Because I said so.
Obviously, I’m just trawling the Internet for support of my cheapy ways but seeing as how Twitter folk have turned on me and supported PiC more than once, it’s not a sure bet. Come on guys, say I’m right!
November 25, 2013
I hope everyone had a happy and fulfilling Thanksgiving Day, full of family, friends, or whomever you chose to celebrate with.
It was probably the first really decent Thanksgiving we’ve had in a while. It’s been over six years and the specter of loss still hovers over the holidays. Both of us have lost parents and other family in the month of November over the years; it’s been hard to shake off the sense of doom associated with the winter months and the holidays.
PiC got a great workout in, in the morning, while I slept late and then we spent the day cooking all kinds of goodies: a really big turkey, a new stuffing recipe, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a new brussels sprouts dish. We shared our Thanksgiving dinner with an entirely new group of family and their friends.
I even managed to resist working all day. I confess to reading several work emails, but I did absolutely nothing with them. #WordsofAWorkaholic
And now that our bellies are full, I have turkey headed for a soup bowl and turkey bound for the freezer, Thanksgiving Day has been enjoyed and shelved.
We can officially look forward to Christmas carols and all things wintery!
The Christmas Carols and commercialism that starts as early as September gets on my nerves, but I will admit to thinking ahead to Christmas even earlier than that if we’re talking about gifts or scheduling holiday plans.
Normally, there’s nothing I enjoy more than snagging great deals throughout the year and wrapping gifts starting in early December but we’ve been a little busy this year with travel and planning wedding things and so on.
Originally, I thought that we’ll get everything done two weeks ahead of the reception but neither vendors nor PiC cooperated with my timeline. So, instead, I’m still working on keeping a level head and stripping out anything that we don’t have time for or don’t have the energy to spend on as time ticks by. I impose the Rule Of Sanity!!
And in keeping with that:
1. Christmas gifts this year are going to be photographic mementos. Originally that sounded like it’d just be easier than trying to go shopping on a straining budget. It’ll be cheaper and perhaps more meaningful but it’s going to take time to dig through for the right photos.
2. Money Matters: I’ll note that I refuse to dip into real savings for the reception, I’m determined to cash flow this. And of course it’ll probably sound like I’m cheating a little, because in order to pay for this out of normal cash flow, which hasn’t been adjusted to accommodate this line item, I am dipping into another “savings”.
In the last few years, I’ve instinctively hoarded any bits and pieces of money that was budgeted for spending in the Expenses savings account. That money was earmarked for spending and instead of being my usual miserly self, I didn’t pop it into the emergency savings account from whence it can never emerge unless one of us loses our jobs, or something catastrophic happens. This gave us a several thousand dollar headstart. And even though all our budgeted categories for 2013 are averaging something like a 90% spent rate, I’ve throttled spending as much as possible where it doesn’t matter as much. Or creatively financed by ….
- Using Swagbucks to eke out $5 Amazon gift cards. (If anyone wants to sign up, I’d be very happy to send you a referral invitation!)
- My three step checklist before buying online: Always check Ebates (referral link) or Fatwallet for cashback; Always check Retailmenot (or just google) for coupon codes; Always double check credit cards to decide which one gives the highest payout for specific kinds of spending. I am a determined bargain hunter, but as eemusings just so wisely pointed out, there’s a tradeoff between time and money. I want to make the most of both so there has to be a balance, and an end in sight when searching.
- SingleMa also shared a great price tracker, in advance of Black Friday, that was really useful for Amazon shopping and comparison shopping.
- When I knew we needed to spend at certain stores, I bought gift cards from Cardpool and ABC GiftCards. Best bargain? 27% off Michael’s gift cards, combined with 50% off coupons at the store. That really stretched our dollars.
3. Moderation: I’ve treated myself to a few things (again, gift cards). New undergarments, a Pacific Rim DVD, a new mouse since my working mouse is driving me crazy. Life isn’t always about taking care of everyone else.
I hope everyone has happy and sane plans for the month of December! Do share.
