December 22, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (290)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area

Year 6, Day 238: A day. This has been one. Two meetings that weren’t terrible but stacked on top of an hour with a friend dropping by to pick up hand me down and another hour and a half ferrying JB to the doctor and then to pick up a promised treat as a reward for controlling their breathing to manage their anxiety. This day has felt like a LOT.

I came into this morning carrying a whole load of aches from last night’s workout. Last week was my best workout week all year, and every bit of it was hard won. I worked out every single night trying to complete the week, no nights off, and finally checked off the last exercise on Saturday. Starting right back up on Sunday I very boldly started with two sets of 16 push ups at the end of which my nose nearly suffered the consequences of my poor choices. Long story short, today’s arms are very angry at yesterday’s arms, and the rest of me was griping over the other poor choices.

Year 6, Day 239: Half my day was bogged down in brain fog with depression. When that finally passed, I was bathed in anxiety. Then it looped back to brain fog with anxiety. Super!

I got my work done but it always feels worse getting it done when carrying the brickloads of emotional stuff.

We’re scraping out the barrels to manage the year end workload but I can’t even relax with the end of the year because I’ve been looking into next year’s requirements and they’re bad. I’m prepping as much support as I can while also working my ass off to get this year squared away but it still feels like ten tons about to fall on our heads. Trying to think of any other ways I can prep us.

A quick chat with a senior person at another company in a similar role revealed that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Their company is considered the premiere income generator in their corporate portfolio and their GM constantly feels like she’s behind the ball too. It’s both mildly comforting that I’m not alone and horrifying that there’s no winning. We’ll be punished for under-performing and for meeting expectations. Just in different ways. UGH.

Year 6, Day 240: I used to browse Extra Petite for professional wardrobe ideas and links. We’re currently shopping for cold weather clothing for everyone because PiC’s cooking up a cold adventure trek for January. I’m still in the Petite / Short range for height but I’ve catapulted from size 00 to 6/8/Medium. It’s very weird. It’s also weird (to me) that Jean still fits 00P. Do other people’s bodies just go back to their old normal after having children? How? Not even my feet are normal! Ugh. I had to replace my boots, couldn’t go back to my really nice Patagonia winter coat so I’m still wearing my maternity winter coat, and my tees don’t fit right. The tees might be more because I’ve been working hard to build strength for more than a year, because my arms went from stick thin to very much not. I’m not muscular but I would not object to being! As I was telling my weightlifting bestie, I don’t care what the number on the scale is if I am feeling strong and actually AM strong. I will confess to asking my trainer to add exercises to help me define my arm muscles more, that would be nice, too.

At some point I need to get these trousers tailored to fit my lumpy potatoes body. I bought two very nice pairs of pants back in the spring and they’re too long. Maaaybe I could venture to hem it myself but I’m not sure that’s a great idea. I don’t want to ruin these very nice, very expensive pants.

Year 6, Day 241: Whenever it’s time to face down planks, only managing one a day these days, I call JB over to do them with me. We’re on 46-second planks. They also have good pushups form because we have been working with both kids to learn how to do a good pushup. SmolAc can do almost three real pushups!

Lucky them, this means they are prepared to do planks for their sport warmups. Of course youth will carry them through that stuff just as well as training does at this age. But it gives me a brief flash of satisfaction that their work at home is good grounding.

I’ve been including them in (age and size appropriate) weight training. They’re allowed to use my little one pound weights and to do half the reps that I do. Then SmolAc goes rogue rigging up weird weights+bands set ups which I have to make them undo so they don’t permanently stretch out my bands.

Year 6, Day 242: Having a prolonged moment of being dissatisfied with my face. Mostly it’s the rosacea redness that makes me feel some kind of way about taking pictures with old friends when we reunite briefly. I’m asking another friend to remind me of the product she uses to cover it up but I don’t just want to cover it up. I really want it gone. Alas, that’s unlikely to happen. Even if I spring for laser treatment, that may not remove it completely, and it can recur after treatment.

This sucks.

I don’t like hating to see my own face in the mirror and in pictures.

December 15, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (289)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area

Year 6, Day 231: We’re scheduling our holiday plans, and some old friends popped up and wanted to get together. I started thinking about the pair of friends from that group who’d had a falling out around a decade ago. Friend A was a contractor and Friend B happened to need their services. They didn’t approach Friend A directly, it was just discussed in our group chats and Friend A offered their services. Then it all went wrong.

Friend B accepted. Friend A did the thing and then presented a bill. Friend B was taken aback. You never said anything about billing!

It’s true, they didn’t. But, this is my actual job and livelihood!, Friend A rebutted. It was a five figure bill. It was paid but they’ve not spoken sincem

Personally I have offered my professional services for which I could bill $60+ an hour to many friends, family, and their kids over the years. I’ve never once charged them or asked for money. They’ve never offered. I haven’t ever had a problem with it. However, I have always had, but for the one recession period, a job paying my bills so while it was extra work on my plate, it wasn’t a loss in the same way doing non-paying work instead of paying work would be for a contractor. But on the flip side, unless we bartered, I wouldn’t take free work from a friend. I would pay them. I have paid friends for favors that felt like above and beyond when they insisted no payment was necessary.

To my mind, both of them screwed up. Friend A absolutely should have been clear and upfront that they would be happy to help and would need to bill their usual fee. Friend B shouldn’t have expected free work from a friend unless it was explicitly said to be on the F&F freebie plan. Anyway, I had a brief moment thinking about whether they’d be in the same room together again all these years later. We’re all old now but are we all mature?

Year 6, Day 232: The pressure at work has been 110 degrees F for a while now, so I’m not loving the extra layer of low grade pre-holiday anxiety that comes around this week every year. I’ve got the majority of the 18(?) family gifts ready to go. Our new year card is now half designed. If I can get that done by Wednesday we might have it in hand in time to prep envelopes. I try to have these cards done before we start the family circuit so we can hand deliver those and save on postage. I’ve got 9 more staff gifts to purchase out of pocket because our new overlords are cheap and won’t let us treat them to the usual holiday tradition to which we’ve become accustomed. Plus cards to write for all of them. I’ll be damned if I let them go unthanked for their efforts this year because corporate is cheap. I’ve already contributed to the daycare collection for the teachers but I still owe SmolAc’s teachers a personal thank you card and gifts. Those are well overdue because they’re hard to write, we really liked them and I hate saying goodbye to good carers.

I do all the holiday legwork because a) anxiety and b) PiC will do all of the holiday driving and childminding while I still have to work through the end of the year. It’s a reasonable split of labor. I’d rather do this stuff than try to juggle kids and working.

Year 6, Day 233: I caught a 40% off sale on socks and ordered 300 pairs (many bulk packs) for the Lakota Dialysis center for $200. Last year I ran out of money before I could get to the socks part of the request so I figured it’d be best to jump on the sale now.

I put Laura Linney’s The Big C on for background noise and have such mixed feelings about it. Her character can be caring but OMFG she can be so awful too. She intervenes in the altercation caused by Marlene being racist at Andrea, but doesn’t call Marlene out on her racism? Her students “reenacted the battle at Wounded Knee”?? And the stereotypes. The guy who overstayed his visa, calling him illegal, making him a scammer who tries to trick a girl into marrying him for a green card. The smart basically shut-in Asian student they hire to tutor her son who has no life because she only cares about going to Harvard – her brother calling her a “geisha”. Her son trying to bribe his tutor to cheat for him. They’re all so entitled in such weird ways. I don’t know, there are some really poignant moments and then the whole family acts so .. messy.

Year 6, Day 234: Alright I pulled another late night to finish shopping for staff and finish the holiday card. The writing is the harder bit than the photos, that took 1.5 hours to add, edit and prune. I never talk about our travel or really personal stuff, so it takes me a good long while to write the mundane silly stuff that makes up our day to day. I enjoy reading about other people’s travel but it feels too laundry list or braggy for me to write even though even our travel is quite boring compared to most folks. Anyway, I prefer to make the every day stuff our focus.

Back of the card designed, ✅. Address book glared at to figure out number to order, ✅. Order placed using a 50% off and free shipping promo code, plus Rakuten for cash back and a gift card Past Me thoughtfully arranged even though I wasn’t specifically thinking of this use? ✅. I redeemed points for that gift card so this order for $60* was covered entirely without paying out of pocket. Go me!

*It cost a little more than usual because I needed some envelopes and it turns out you can’t just buy some matching envelopes, you have to buy enough for your whole order. These definitely won’t arrive in time to put in the mail before year end, so I won’t even worry about trying to address and mail them until after the new year. I have enough on my plate.

Year 6, Day 235: I’ve owned cell phones for… Hum. Many many years. 25? Something like that. Received (did not choose it) my first smartphone 20ish years ago. I’ve turned off the haptics on every single one of them within minutes of using it. This is the first phone that I’ve left them on for. Is this my sign of aging?

Ally sent me an email “Get ready for tax season.”

Ally, I’m ALWAYS getting ready for tax season! I update my tax related records all throughout the year so it’s only waiting on the final forms from various places to finish off the package.

December 8, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (288)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area

Year 6, Day 224: The majority of the time, when I hear a friend is getting divorced, I’m relieved and happy for them. Relieved because they’re finally choosing themselves, happy that they are allowed to choose to exit the relationship instead of having to stay trapped and miserable. There are some times, though, that the separation and filing seems came out of the blue and the friend in question is taken by surprise. It’s not always antagonistic thankfully but I do feel terrible for their feeling blindsided. We’ve just gotten news of the third one this year. I don’t know what’s going on, nor am I going to ask – that’s not for me to pry into, they can share if they are interested – I just hope they’re able to find a way to peacefully co-exist for the sake of their kid(s) and their own mental health. I see the impacts of antagonistic divorced pairs on the people themselves, along with their kids, and it really stinks.

Year 6, Day 225: I carved out time to call the propane company for a Lakota family that was running out of propane. There was a lower price per gallon if we bought more than the minimum so I went for a big refill for them. It cuts our cash in half but I think the remaining families have varying levels of needs so we might be able to help more families than just two.

I’ve asked the coordinators to give me all the information so that as soon as I can breathe, I can do some shopping research. I’m running on empty this week working a boggling number of hours, so I haven’t been able to do more than the barest of minimums.

All the families I pulled are asking for the most basic needs: propane, heaters, food. We get a lower price per gallon for ordering more, and we had enough donations come in, some from you wonderful readers <3, to allow us to take advantage of the lower pricing.

Year 6, Day 226: We were invited to share a house rental with some newish to us friend-people for a long weekend next year. I enjoy their company for half days at a time but I’m awfully leery of the commitment of sharing living space, and having to cook communal meals together, for multiple days in a row. That sounds like a lot. Their kids are alright but they are a whole handful and then some. Plus, I’m really not a confident cook – the idea of having to cook for strangers sounds downright stressful. Easy foods like breakfast, sure, we can manage things like eggs, sausage, toast/bagels, fruit, etc. But dinners feel complicated and intimidating.

Talking it over with PiC, the activities sound like fun, mostly for the kids, and I’m not opposed. It’s all the OTHER stuff around it that sound at least offputting if not nerve-wracking.

Year 6, Day 227: I was complaining about how much I hate my job, more HR fuckery this week of course, and then catching up on Courtney Milan’s newsletter was a sobering reminder of why I can’t just cut and run:

Healthcare and corporations in the US and capitalism – all utterly, irretrievably broken. This isn’t a doom post so much as a frustration post at how much suffering is wrought through capitalism.

I don’t have any real answer to this. The problems are simply too much for any single person to disaster prep for. I hate that. I hate knowing that my reality is so dependent on systems and institutions doing the right thing. They so rarely do.

This doesn’t mean we stop fighting. I’m just venting.

Year 6, Day 228: You know what will do your head in? Three kids under the age of 6 chanting “I am a gummy bear” at the top of their lungs for 28 minutes as they play.

You know what’s challenging about keeping up with my workouts (totally unrelated to the gummy bear thing which has been stuck in my head for ten days)? How my brain randomly decides it doesn’t have to actively be there while I’m counting my reps and suddenly I could have sworn I was on 12 but how am I at 18 now, did we get here legitimately or did we accidentally skip ahead and we’re really on 15? And my traitorous brain has no answers for me because it spent the intervening time between 12 and 18, however much or little that was, off dancing with fireflies and has zero recollection of the whole matter. “We” because clearly my brain and I are separate entities in this matter. It’s so annoying! I can’t even make an educated guess because either scenario is completely plausible. The skipping ahead is why I used to start counting money in different languages when totaling up the cash drawers for the night. That was a defense against an actual external asshole, my brother, who would come in and start saying random numbers in English to mess me up and force me to start over.