About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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January 20, 2023
1. A handful of us PF folk threw together a bundle of money so I could buy a variety of snacks for Penny’s students before the holidays. It was gratifying just to know that hungry kids were getting some food, but this update made me so happy.
2. Then a handful of folks chimed in wanting to be part of the next round. This is great! There will be a next round! I hold the funds in a separate account and track it on a spreadsheet between rounds, then let people know once I shop what our collective funds bought. It’s great.
Also supporting:
Child and Family Relief Round: The “Child and Family Relief Fund” campaign aims to support families with children who are significantly impacted by the ongoing crisis and famine in Afghanistan.
Troop 6000TM is a Girl Scout program specially designed to serve girls in the New York City Shelter System.
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January 17, 2023
A compilation of thoughts about travel from 2021-2022
I was not at all in the mood to travel while COVID continues to mutate alongside the plethora of flus, RSV, colds, random upper respiratory things, and various other contagious diseases. Especially not after weeks and weeks of just keeping nose above water. Once upon a time I loved flying but these days? Home, thank you very much, I’m very happy at home. Alas, even I had to venture forth to fulfill obligations. Add masks and Lysol wipes, take away indoor dining, take away casual attitudes about what you touch and who you share your air with on the road, and add a whole lot of medication for the slew of germs the kids brought with them.
On the road: I thought it was overkill to bring our own seat protectors but we had to make some stops at REALLY gross rest stops and they were very much needed.
Flying with kids: take away sleep and watching movies mindlessly, and replace them with your child (or both) imitating an R.O.U.S.
Things I forgot: my airline specific credit card for a discount on in flight purchases. Drat. Our filter replacements for our flo masks. To pre-order fresh food trays before we flew (overpriced yes but a convenience because our carry-ons were already jammed full of other things and we couldn’t fit another food item).
Things I remembered: all the electronics cables and plugs. Most of the medications we needed. I wish I’d packed all of them; that was a conscious and wrong choice to leave some behind. Treats for our flight attendants for both flights. Activities for the kids for long confined sitting periods but not enough for many hours upon hours (I don’t think it’s humanly possible to carry enough to entertain small / younger kids for that long on a flight). Plastic reusable water bottles along with our heavy insulated bottles, those came in handy for the flight portion of our travel. Mini hand sanitizers that fit into pockets and small shoulder bags.
There are some people out there who are real jerks about families flying with upset children. Exhibit A: As if we enjoy flying with screaming children and we are in fact doing it AT you. Honestly. Some people really don’t know how to exist in society or a community with others. This is why I dread flights with other people. You never know which one is going to be a flagrant asshole about your small human being a small human. As if it’s not hard enough. 
We did get lucky a few times. I profusely thanked our seatmates for being such good sports about the kids. One of them let Smol Acrobat fall asleep holding their finger, unbeknownst to us at the time. They told us later with a laugh that it was cute. In an unwanted restaurant experience where Smol Acrobat was a screech owlet, our table neighbors were incredibly sweet about their ups and downs and joked with them. On a mini train ride, they met a dad with his three older kids who was goofier than Goofy and did little dances to entertain them, offered fistbumps, and even took a picture with them. It was almost like traveling with baby JB again who would play with EVERYONE they saw, whereas Smol Acrobat tends to be a frozen statue staring at the new person in confusion or horror. JB was too busy doing bigger kid things to interact with strangers.
Time zones. I had forgotten how horrible it is to have young kids cross time zones. Up at 11, up at 2, up at 4, up for good at 5 am local time. AUGH. Toilets and landlines and under-4 year olds. The constant “no, no, leave that alone!” battle. I remembered to unplug the hotel room phone just like we used to do with JB so they could walk around the room with a handset to their ear babbling away to their invisible friends.
JB at Smol’s current age was a good traveler in liking all the adventures, wanting to follow wherever we went although they of COURSE went on their own little side quests frequently and Smol is no different in that respect. But JB would eat everything, and be up for more. Sleep badly but was generally happy when they were up. They could more easily co-sleep. It wasn’t EASY traveling with JB, my memory isn’t THAT bad. I guess it’s also fair to say that it was simply easier because we only had the one kid to juggle, and not two. But please be honest, I cannot be the only parent who hates traveling with young kids, can I?
We were dragged to a formal dinner thing (long story) that we left as soon as we could because Smol Acrobat is an unruly squirrel and the dining option was totally age inappropriate. We weren’t paying the bill but we found our server and tipped her $30 cash personally just because she made a shitty situation for us manageable in lots of small ways that she didn’t have to do.
January 16, 2023
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 293: We were doing so WELL for a few days there. Smol Acrobat was eating most meals with gusto, they were communicating better and best of all: were not coughing, sneezing, dripping, or burning up. Until today.
Add that to the last three days of terrible sleep (worse than my usual, which is saying something), caused by searing pain in my neck and shoulders, and feeling really shitty about the weekend of conflict with JB which had me feeling like a total parenting failure. I could absolutely cry today.
All I want is a burger, fries, and 16 hours completely alone with my computer, some books, a pile of blankets, and Sera.
Sigh. None of those things are happening, of course. Not on a Monday, not with a sick Smol to tend to. I vented to some friends and sat at my desk, glumly working as fast as I could, wanting to let out the stress with tears but not being able to.
At some point, the thought occurred to me: everything feels very hard right now. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to give myself a little break. Maybe I can commit to just a little time to myself, sometime this week, if Smol can be away during a school day.
My therapist often says being gentler with myself would help let off a little of the pent-up pressure and I usually don’t know how, but that silent ghost of a promise helped.
I stress ate some candied pecans (why do they sell these by 6 oz bags and not the pound?!), went in on a little lotto pool with a friend, tried to set up Yotta and got rejected, and discovered that Smol can put on their own jacket. I had forgotten they would have learned at daycare by now, so when I asked semi-jokingly “can you put on your coat?” and they said “yes”, well surprise surprise, they can! Only when they’re inclined to.
This tweet thread is timely. Given these two options, if I am transparent at all, I’d almost always opt for emotional transparency instead of vulnerability. I get close to emotional vulnerability here, mostly, and with a very few other people. I think it’s because I am so accustomed to people not showing up when I express a need or a struggle. I expressed it in the past and I was still on my own. So why bother? Why bother and be disappointed when I could just skip that entirely? I understand the flaws in that thinking now but I remember why it developed.
Year 3, Day 294: Treating my pain today is a whole universe away from when I first experienced my chronic pain 27 years ago. None of these factors listed on the tweet below were ever examined back then, most certainly not the trauma bit. It’s not eliminated my pain, this week is a huge reminder of that even if I were inclined to forget, but it makes a big difference. I can function more. The joy is dampened by having developed ME/CFS in the meantime but I can appreciate the reduced pain frequency nonetheless.
Year 3, Day 295: Alas, we did not strike it rich on the Mega Millions, friend and I bought tickets on a lark, so after a terrible night of hysterics and some vomit for Smol (with PiC and I sort of splitting the night), and night sweats and nausea for me, it’s back to the donut factory for both adults this morning. Darn.
Semi-related: My sense of taste is all off this week. Things taste metallic or “chemically” (I don’t know how else to describe it) to me, where they taste perfectly fine to others. This could just be my normal weirdness rather than anything COVID. I go through cycles where potatoes taste bad and carrots taste like soap. No idea why, but I hate it. Last night’s Japanese curry dinner tasted too salty and my berry flavored sparkling water tasted like medicine. 🤷🏻♀️
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Some days I feel all kinds of conflict internally: I want to be up and about, I want to curl up in a ball and hibernate, I want want want. It’s puzzling today because I already let myself lay down for a couple hours today to rest, anticipating another hard night with Smol Acrobat. These feelings make me feel like a child. Shouldn’t I feel like an adult by now, here in my 40th year? What does an adult even feel like?
In fact, that reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend and mentor who is starting a new stage in life and likens it to being like a toddler again: it’s exhausting having feelings, feeling them, and learning how to navigate them. No wonder we get sensory overload and exhausted.
Speaking of lacking emotional vulnerability: I saw a tweet asking for help for a stranger going through medical issues, from a friend of theirs, among many many other Mutual Aid tweets. It struck me, again, that my whole emergency and savings planning revolves around never asking for help. I want to save enough for retirement and for our future health needs, and set very high goals, because I don’t ever want to tell anyone that we need help in an emergency. I spent too many years digging out of financial holes, and getting set back frequently, and I can’t believe or trust that anyone would care enough or be able to help us if we hit the rocks. SMH. My scars run deep.
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A whole lot of friends discovered they had ADD/ADHD during the pandemic, and I was happy that they were getting treatment that helped. It took Abby’s latest post to make me start wondering if I might have a touch or more of it. I emailed my GP with the list. I am a slow learner!
Weirdly, as I sent it off, I had this bizarre feeling of “no I don’t WANT to have another thing wrong with me!” I was almost embarrassed. I feel so broken. I already have fibromyalgia and ME/CFS.
And yet, I will have to laugh if I end up with another diagnosis, courtesy of blogging friends. So many gifts from Twitter/blogging/the internet.
Year 3, Day 296: Much less overnight hysteria from Smol last night, though they still had multiple wake-up, which was much appreciated because my joints and tendons are furious today. It feels as though iron spikes were driven deep into my joints. It was impossible to find a comfortable position to sleep in that didn’t make it worse. So, that’s fun! /sarcasm
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I’m trying to redeem an expense benefit from an employer today. They offered a small stipend for certain expenses this year so I chose to use it on daycare.
Since daycare won’t take credit cards, we paid in full and followed the directions (I read them three times) to submit a claim for reimbursement with the receipt.
Dear readers, they rejected the claim today because “you paid in full”. Yes, we did, that’s why we’re asking for a reimbursement. Duh? Who asks for a reimbursement when they didn’t pay? That’s a whole other verb. That’s what the whole reimbursement and uploading a receipt process is for, is it not? Annoying. I’ve submitted a help request. Let’s hope someone gets their head out of wherever it’s hiding. I’d like to cross this thing off my list and deploy that money where it can do some good.
January 13, 2023
1. I hope that by the time this goes live, the order will have shipped already. I bought a dear friend something from off their wish list that I normally don’t get to see. It’s a fun extra surprise because their birthday and Christmas are quite far off.
2. Our wonderful regular contributors to the Lakota Giving Project got us in gear to start this year off right. I’ve been working on our first family! Deeply grateful for this community. ❤️❤️❤️
3. I’ve discovered the ability to take long screenshots and to add them to WordPress so I’m sharing tweet threads that way to preserve them in case they go away.
Challenges this week:
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January 10, 2023
As I wrap my head around the fact that it’s January again, I’m preparing for a new year of giving. I’ve recorded the archive of our project on this page.
There’s a lot of uncertainty this year. Without Twitter, my fundraising reach might be next to nothing. Many, if not all, donors came across the project from Twitter. Greg Doucette, who runs a massive campaign each year to feed kids feels the same way. When asked when he’ll start fundraising for this year’s Foodraiser, he replied:
I truly don’t want the demise of Twitter to be the end of this project too but we’ll have to see. I hope that y’all will share, and donate if you’re able, and help us keep this going.
This year’s goals:
- Continue helping 1-2 families a month throughout year.
- Raise $6000 to shop the Thanksgiving-adjacent and weekend sales to supply the community in bulk.
- In March, we’ll start saving large boxes in March for the end of year giveaway. When school lets out and they wash all the left behind clothing, I’m driving over there with an empty car and loading it up with as many good coats and sweaters as we can carry home to ship out. They’re perfectly good clothes, free, and will only cost shipping!
I’ve shipped 30 lbs of clothing, toys and COVID tests to start us off. With three contributions, including our own first donation of the year, we’re at a total of $418.22.
If we can get to $700-800, we’ll be ready to start with our first family of the year! There’s a family of 9 that lives waaay out in the country and hasn’t received any help for a month. I’d like to get them well outfitted.
How you can help (Every penny matters!):
Venmo: @RK-Tillman
PayPal: ruthtillman [@] gmail.com
Cashapp: $ruthkt
Please supply your email address if you’d like updates on where the money goes.
Thank you all for your ongoing support of the Lakota people!
January 9, 2023
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 288: Gas is below $5/gallon. I checked our records and it went below $5.25 around Thanksgiving weekend. What a difference it makes to each fill up total! We’d been nudging $100 for a 3/4 tank at those prices. *shiver*
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We have a break between storms today and I’m trying to make the most of it. I ran out of steam yesterday. We’ve got two more loads of laundry, I’ve got some donations to ship to Allen Youth Center, and I’d like to get Sera a doggy sweater.
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Huzzah! Nicole and Maggie’s comment fixed my problem. Well, got me to fix it. When the block editor was first rolled out, we were able to pick which editor to use for new posts. Then they took that choice away. So I went into the settings but my toggle to turn off block editor was greyed out.
I checked again this week and the toggle is functional! I can write new posts in classic editor! 🎉
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I noticed on Twitter that a player collapsed on the field during the Bills/Bengals game, and the NFL didn’t immediately, or very quickly after, cancel the game. I don’t follow football but this is the kind of stuff that floats up to my attention because it’s something my circles are interested in. It was both not at all surprising that the NFL didn’t have what it took (morality? souls?) to immediately cancel the game and apparently expected both teams to take the field again shortly after, without knowing if a fellow player was ok. I heard that the teams and the team reps told the NFL that the game wouldn’t go on (buzzfeed article). There’s something deeply wrong with parts of our society for that not to be an immediate decision, IMO. And football is such a dangerous game.
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Inspired by the vacation that very much wasn’t, I designed a couple new tees: small body, big feelings (guess who?), big heart big feelings. Tickled by silliness about people being more charmed than sensible: skritches get stitches. (more…)
January 6, 2023
1.Mutual aid needed: GoFundMe for a family whose home was destroyed by fire the week before Christmas.
2. I hope this doesn’t jinx us but Smol Acrobat has willingly and voluntarily (as in, ate it themselves instead of having to be coaxed) eaten full meals three nights this week: a starch, protein and veggie! This is big.
3. In scraping the silver stuff that covers the access code on a Target gift card, a whole chunk of the sticker with the numbers came off too. Unfortunately a chunk that I needed! I wrote down all the numbers I could see clearly and then manually tested every single permutation of numbers to find the access code. I found it!
4. I need to remember this more often. I frequently struggle with seeing my progress when it does happen:
Challenges this week: insomnia is a terrible foe.
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