About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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April 26, 2022
Two months ago, when PiC started the research into swim programs, I appreciated the legwork, but also had negative desire to add anything to our schedules and decisionmaking and budget.
BUT I took my deep breaths and did my best to focus on staring into the middle distance where I didn’t obstruct, if I couldn’t embrace a future with swim lessons in it. They started up this month, once he found a weekly lesson at a time that isn’t too terribly disruptive, at astronomical prices. We used to pay $20-30 a lesson, it’s $60 a lesson with this program *faint*. But we simply cannot get back into the YMCA’s program. They’re overbooked for months out. JB is over the moon about this one. They love being back in the water, they have three swimsuits to wear, they’re all around ecstatic. I’m glad about that part. It helps a bit with my sadness over their not having had swim for two+ years. Thank goodness for PiC doing all the heavy lifting on that and on Spring Break activities and taking that week off to mind the kids.
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Kids as humans
I was struggling with JB’s transition from Little Kid to not so Little but still not Big Kid last year. Because of pandemic haze, it felt like I missed so much. Now that they are definitely Kid, even if not yet Big Kid(? I don’t know what that transition point is) I have this perhaps unreasonable fear rearing up that as much as we foster their individuality, along with civility and humanity, what if I don’t much like the person they are as an adult? I don’t like most people as it is, and we are so dissimilar. I won’t try to mold them into my image but their personality is so far from restful, and that’s great if that makes them happy and fulfilled, but am I the only parent who wonders if they’ll get along with their kids as adults? Or whether their kid will like them as a person?
I hope we’ll always love each other and enjoy each other’s company. I hope this is just a phase since everyone must have less favorite age ranges.
Life with Smol Acrobat
I’m wondering, and maybe worrying a little, how behind Smol is at this point.
They’re growing physically and are engaged with us but we don’t do directed developmental stuff with them like they’d do in daycare. I hadn’t been taking the time at mealtimes to work on their utensils use. They still don’t respond as programmed to the clean up song, they’re still in the emptying buckets and putting them on their head stage.
We do music and reading and counting and the alphabet and lots of outside time but … I’m getting a bit more concerned about what we should be fostering and how to make it happen.
I can’t quite remember what JB was capable of at this age, though I think they did have cleaning up down pat by now. I do remember that they met their now BFF around this age-ish. Definitely by 18-19 months. At that age, that kid was astoundingly articulate already. I remember that JB wasn’t but they weren’t for a long while, speaking articulately was a struggle for a long while. The two kids were at opposite ends of the verbal spectrum so that gives me no real idea of where Smol should be.
I’m wondering if all the other kids at this age are competently feeding themselves. Since first wondering this, I’ve leaned hard into making myself not feed them directly, assisting them with the spoon instead and encouraging their independent feeding more but sometimes all they do is fork around and won’t eat anything at all unless I put the food in their mouth. I can’t help but worry that I’ve/we’ve held them back because we simply haven’t had time or energy to patiently let them feed themselves (or more realistically paint themselves in food).
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Maybe my favorite thing right now is once every night during dinner, they grab my hand and lay their cheek on it. Just a little headrest. It’s perplexing but cute and they get a whole lot of giggles out of it.
They also like hugging my feet. I don’t understand that either but whatever. It’s cute.
*****
We learned to sign “read” and to high five this month. Not well but they’re trying and it’s fun to see a new skill stick after a few tries. We also, after I mulled it over above, worked on spoon skills and they’re slowly getting better at scooping food into a spoon and then into their mouth. Toddler coordination and instinct to fling things aside, they lack the motivation to feed themselves so I have to push. They’re used to me helping and it’s a tough thing to wean them off the expectation that I’ll help when I’m right there.
But the more we do it, the more they build up enthusiasm for self feeding. It’s incremental but it’s still progress.
Pupdate
Sera is starting to visibly show age these past couple of months. Her muzzle is getting a bit of that salt flecked look and she’s slowing down a little bit. She’s still strong as a little ox and has her zoomies but she’s lost interest in playing fetch and just wants to sunbathe. It’s weird, we adopted Seamus when he was this age and he was in his prime. I worked on him for months to combat his allergies, bring his weight up and put gloss back into his coat. At 10 and 11 years, he was strong as a bull and still enthusiastic as heck. At 14 he was doing backflips to catch a ball. I spotted some dryness in her coat and I’m going to start her on his sardines regimen to help put the shine back in.
She’s Smol Acrobat’s dog and I hope they have at least six years with her. They love trying to cuddle her even if she simply tolerates it.
They’re good for each other the same way she was good for Seamus even if he only tolerated her cuddles.
Precious Moments
Smol’s obsession with Sera’s food bowl has reached a new level. They brought their Pikachu friend to the bowl and stuck his head in – feeding time for friends! Next day, they picked up the bowl themselves and walked around pretending to eat from it. Sera had absolutely no opinion on the matter.
The moment Smol cries, JB drops whatever they’re doing and swoops in to the rescue. “I’m here I’m here I love you you’re ok!”
*****
JB making up an origin story for the shark plushie: “Did you know why sharkie had to come live with us? His mom and dad were trying to eat him. And his brothers and sisters were too! Because sharks eat sharks. And the other fish wouldn’t help him because they thought he was trying to trick them.”
*****
So this was absolutely amazing. I didn’t think anything would come of it but for a few weeks, before putting them down, I’d ask Smol if they were all done and we’d head in for their bedtime routine when they signed all done.
On Sunday, it was getting close to the end of Smol’s period of awake time. They tend to do better with 3 hours of awake time between naps now. We’d played with some toys, and then I was reading to them. We were still ten minutes out from naptime, I thought. Partway through a second book, they reached out, closed it, and signed “all done”. I said oh, ok, you’re ready for sleep? They climbed up on me and put their head on my shoulder like an emphatic yes. We went through the routine of brushing teeth, changing into pajamas and reading one more book and then they were out like a light a few minutes after being put down. It was perfect! I am still marveling that they accurately judged their own need and communicated.
That ended after a week. But it was lovely while it lasted!
:: The age difference between the two is both helpful and jarring at the same time. Growing up, everyone was always two years apart from their siblings so this is a bit out of my lived experience.
April 25, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 31: JB has another wiggly tooth and we’ve gone from the excitement of having a wiggly tooth to Extreme Angst Because It Hurrrrtttssssss. I hope we’re not stuck in this stage for long.
*****
JB has the day off from school and it’s PiC’s day in the office so I get to work with both kids at home with me! Yippee!
/extreme sarcasm
Since I’m still in a bad fatigue flare-up, I took my in-case-of-emergency (really bad fatigue) days pill and hoped it would help. This is the second time I’ve tried it. The first time was when my brain fog was physically painful, and I couldn’t tell if the meds were why it partially cleared in the afternoon Today’s experience: it doesn’t give me energy or reduce pain. It paused the incredibly painful crashing downward spiral I’ve been experiencing every day for the past few weeks. It’s hitting a hold button (and leaves a bad taste in my mouth). I crashed later in the night so the pause analogy seems appropriate.
JB was assigned to doing Correspondence and self directed activities when Smol was napping and to play with Smol part of the time they were awake so I could get through small bits of work. I’m doing the serious Smol stuff: diaper changes, feeding (OMG this is such a pain), and navigating transitions.
We survived until PiC got home at 430 pm. I wish I felt better but we limped over the finish line and a finish is a finish.
*****
PiC met a parent at the park yesterday who speaks only Japanese at home with their daughter so their daughter is primarily fluent in Japanese and man do we feel like failures. Neither of us are fluent enough in our secondary languages to pass on much to the kids, but I’d hoped to pass on at least what we have. That’s not going well.
Also under the Feelings category, I’m pretty sure that Smol isn’t hitting any of their age appropriate milestones. They have a lot of babble but no words. It worries me. Yes kids hit them all at different ages but until we get past this I’m going to worry. JB struggled with this too and that was a really rough ride for us all.
Year 3, Day 32: The kids are both big enough to be shifted out of their current car seat situations (Smol from their infant / toddler and JB from their convertible seat they’ve been using for the past 5 years). Smol will get JB’s seat and JB’s getting a new booster. I ordered the new booster yesterday with our 20% off coupon from trading in an expired baby seat and am so mentally wiped that I thought “April 21” was two weeks from now. No, it’s actually two days from today. So yay! I hate hate hate that I haven’t been able to haul the kids on my own in part because the car seat was always too hard on my hands. Now, I may be able to take them SOME places.
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April 22, 2022
1. We bought an apple pie from a bakery on Monday and we’ve been sharing a big slice for dessert each night since. $23 for a treat all week.
2. PiC also had surprise cheesecake happen earlier this week and it tasted like the Real Thing. I haven’t had that in a while. Nomz.
Giving: Child and Family Relief – feeding families in Afghanistan.
Cars are more expensive than expected, Quiara needs a bit more help to get over the hump for their move out of Arkansas.
Challenges this week: Childcare. Please. But no, none for us because ….
Vaccines for under-5s, please.
Still zero reliable news on our vaccine prospects. It’s so incredibly frustrating to both of us here and all of our circle who are Still Waiting. Yesterday there was a flurry of news saying “maybe June” but they’ve been saying that since December. “Maybe Jan. Maybe Feb. Data in early April!” The goalposts keep moving and I just cannot keep hoping.
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April 18, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 24: Well hello Monday. Starting at midnight with the utterly brutal pain that made it hard to breathe, and then moving right along to the four am wakeup with Smol who somehow managed to drape a blanket completely over themselves like a tiny distressed ghostie and cried for rescue. After a few rounds of patting and signing, they settled back down for a couple more hours. We got our real morning started around 630, that superb night under my belt, with a downpour that didn’t bode well for JB’s playground ambitions.
No wonder I’m tired before I start work. No wonder it felt like two days compressed into one.
*****
Work felt exponentially more repellent than it should (than usual?). Nothing was actually wrong aside from a couple annoying policy problems I have to deal with. It’s probably that I’m just worn to a thread already and now my brain must somehow turn on and do stuff. Yes of course why not.
*****
PiC’s work informed him that he’d had a close contact exposure to COVID at work last week and JB’s school informed us that they had a close contact exposure today. This does nothing good for my frustrations with how much we’ve endured and how stupid policies are right now. (Why did it take his work a WEEK to inform him??)
Year 3, Day 25: Two huge reliefs. My pain was a bit less than yesterday’s so I got to sleep and Smol slept right through to 7 am so I got almost 6 unbroken hours! Huge. Not restorative but at least it’s not taking two steps backwards like most nights.
*****
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April 15, 2022
1. HUZZAH. I was searching for a place to donate my old eyeglasses that are perfectly good but don’t feel comfortable on my face any longer and I kept striking out searching the Lion’s Club but Shep to the rescue! They found me this link for donation centers. They once needed glasses and were only able to get them through the Lions Club program so if you have old eyeglasses to donate this looks like a great way to do it.
This GoFundMe is for an organization that I’ve supported in the past doing really important work. I’m respecting their request not to state their name in relation to the GFM but I actually know the lawyer mentioned in the post and verified with them personally that this is for their organization. Update: Yay the organization is ok with being identified now. If you can donate to the Survivor’s Project, that would be really swell.
This GoFundMe is to keep the doors of Courage House, A Haven for Abused Women open. I donated directly to save them some fees.
Challenges this week: A lot. This week was a lot.
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April 11, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 17: Hello Monday, we meet again. It started with my scalp itching dreadfully. It has for the past four days. Something set off my allergy-to-something that causes me to itch intensely at random times mostly when I’m trying to sleep. Ugh. Also I enjoyed chills and night sweats alternately all night too! Woot.
Then a jolt of stress with the news of a new sub-variant (but who didn’t see that coming?) (And when are we going to get any real protection for Smol and their cohort??)
Then we had JB shenanigans, they and PiC really got into it so I had to step away from work and take them to school to let them get some space.
Shortly after that, our invitation to start daycare in July landed in our inbox with a very short window to respond or lose our spot but we still don’t have a good vaccine. NGAH.
*****
Smol had such trouble with naps today! It led to a very Smol-activities day. I suspect the first time they were overtired and it took over an hour of fussing and playing to get settled.
I did a lot of work yesterday in anticipation of today’s bad napping and between nap times. We had lunch and then took Sera for a walk. They learned how to give Sera treats and Sera was very polite in taking them one at a time only when Smol was ready.
Then they both played / sunbathed / picked at weeds in the backyard for half an hour. That was a touch too much outside time for all of us.
When they got grouchy over nothing and flopped on their face, earlier than expected, that seemed like a sign. Just in case, I asked if they were tired and all done. They signed “all done.”
A short nap later, I had to retrieve them again because PiC had had a morning of meetings and JB pickup time, and needed to get SOME work done.
This time I spent my hour laying down and reading to them while they sat on my chest, snatching at my glasses like a crow in training and tore paper into bitty bits. That was … Fun? They really need to stop sitting on my chest. They’re heavy!
Thank goodness for leftovers but dammit I ran out of time and didn’t order in delivery for tomorrow and I think we’re going to be out of leftovers by lunch.
*****
I rounded out the night with reviewing our tax amendments and portfolio. I’m still working on getting CA to cough up my refund for 2017, Federal to cough up my correct refund for 2018 and we’re filing the amendment to 2019 for both now. Crossing my fingers that those will be resolved in the next three months.
A review of PiC’s employer connected portfolio made me rethink my “individual stocks are fine” mentality I had when reading Nicole and Maggie’s thoughts on ther
Year 3, Day 18: The 4:30 am babbling and yips were not at all promising for this day. PiC was my hero, taking Smol at 5 when it was clear they weren’t letting up with their conversational gambits. We had to make a real effort to get through the first part of the morning.
*****
I’m trying to let myself be honest with myself about the need for space between myself and family who have stirred up so much anger and betrayal with their stances toward COVID that I don’t even know what to do about it. (My therapist would say there’s nothing TO do, just feel. And that’s really hard for me.) Their approach has been, at best, reckless this entire time and I’ve been trying to pretend it wasn’t hurtful and enraging. I knew that nothing I said would make a difference. They’re completely set in their Fox News inspired stance and so I did my best to maintain neutrality toward them. But we’re in Year 3 and while my world has turned upside down, they continue blithely going about their lives with hardly any changes that aren’t imposed by others. And I’m so angry about all the loss, all the sacrifices, all the risk that the rest of us are having to deal with. I’m so angry that my kids have to miss out on family time because the rest of the family won’t vaccinate and some of them won’t even mask around the vulnerable members of the family. My heart is bruised. I’m in this storm and even though I have people here with me, the betrayal of my chosen family is so hard to bear. I feel alone when it comes to them. I know that it’s most intense right now because we’re still in it and because of the news about the vaccine being so much less effective with the new variants. Maybe these feelings will pass with some distance.
But I do have the right to be angry about how their choices directly affect us, now. That right isn’t something I’ve afforded myself in adulthood and it’s been harmful in a lot of ways.
*****
Poll: Is it possible for kids to stop interrupting and to remember as many as TWO directions they’ve been given after 30 seconds? Evidence currently suggests no. JB wanted to run a message to PiC, and I instructed them: Go tell Dad, then come back to clear the table and wash up your lunch stuff.
They return 14 seconds later and have already completely forgotten to clear the table. Come ON!
Year 3, Day 19: Well, when Smol makes it past 6 am AND has a good first nap, everything seems right with the world. I got some work done / rested on my duff so my body recovered enough from bad sleep and stress. When they got up at lunch time, we went right into a hearty pasta and fruit lunch, which they mostly ate instead of throwing on the ground. Except the sour fruit. That went flying. But a solid meal after a solid nap? It’s like heaven here!
*****
I am bearing a lot of sadness this week over our losses of last year. From one friend after another dying from various causes to (I can only hope temporarily) losing loved ones to their own battles, 2022 is the one year anniversary of a lot of loss, a lot of grief, and a lot of sadness.
I caught myself in a old habitual cycle of blaming myself for being a bad friend, as well, and that was distressing but after a while and after unburdening my heart a little to friends who are still here, I saw where I was sliding down the spiral again.
*****
Smol’s second nap was respectable enough that I managed to get through the critical work for the day and knocked off at 530 just as a blinding headache smashed into my right eye and took over my brain. I popped two acetaminophen and thanked the weather sprites for giving us a heat wave this week, on this day, that meant that I could take the kids outdoors for an hour and catch some warmth to attempt to shake it. We dug holes to plant sprouting potatoes, we found surprise purple potatoes that I didn’t know had ever sprouted because the plants never made it aboveground, and Smol attempted to eat a fresh dug potato. They didn’t like the taste of the dirt. I got some lovely pictures of all the kids and lots more silly bloopers.
PiC emerged from the office cave when we came back inside and thankfully cooked up a quick dinner. I was flat out of ideas and ability to stay upright. My back and legs ached and my stomach was cramping up a storm.
Naturally this being the night that I feel the absolute worst and couldn’t even stand up for shower, this is the night our accountant finally sends over the tax return for review. Of course!
I logged another hour at my desk poring over each page and marking down corrections. Glad I’d made a list of likely problem areas beforehand, it gave my brain a place to get stuck in when all my body wanted to do was fall over and stay down. It’s just too close to the filing deadline for me to be comfortable with pushing it off another day when she might not be able to make the edits for a day or two. I prefer to file in FEBRUARY so we’re well past my comfort zone. And it’ll be such a relief to shelve that to do.
Year 3, Day 20: I’m very sorry for all the people who hate it but I love the short heat wave that brought us high 70s – low 80s today. My grieving soul and aching body deeply needed this brief hug from the weather. I love the heat, I love being able to walk around outside in just one layer and not three. I love how fast my towels dry and how they smell almost toasty when they do. I love how quickly dishes dry when we air dry them. I love how I’m not freezing from the moment I get out of bed to the moment I get back into bed.
I don’t love the necessity for lots of sunblock every outing and lotion for thirsty skin but it’s worth the tradeoff for water balloon games and working outdoors and soaking up the heat to defrost my frigid marrow.
JB is among the set who doesn’t appreciate the heat by the by, they flung themselves through the doorway with the dramatic flair of a person discovering an oasis in the desert. That lasted until they realized this means cold treats and water balloons. Then they got on board with it.
It’ll go back to normal tomorrow but for today, I’m appreciating the good we have since the bad we have (so much pain, so many aches) is ever-present.
*****
I was worried about Smol’s inattention to reading last month. Today they decided to set that at ease with a vengeance. Not only did they very much want me to read to them before every sleep, they wanted a minimum of four books and at least two of them were specific requests. They refused to let me sing their going to bed song until I read Carl’s Afternoon.
Year 3, Day 21: Whew. A solid first nap from Smol let me get through a huge portion of my work this morning.
PiC took them out for an hour in the afternoon and I got through another lot then, plus their second shorter nap. I finally felt less stressed signing off this Friday than most every other Friday.
We got through this week but it was still very much a fail on the physical activity side of things. PiC was never able to get out for a run and that always makes a week feel not good.
*****
I did get our taxes done though! I was shocked we were due for a refund.
*****
Smol’s finally starting to get the “ready” sign a little bit, they were previously trying to slap MY knees, and “read” is coming along nicely.
They’re getting into absolutely everything and I can’t say with any certainty if we’re going to survive all this intact. We’re so tired.
I am really glad that we have a meal ready to go tonight. So tired.
April 8, 2022
1. Finally found the scrub brush I vaguely remembered and cleaned up my garden shears. (Though I did slice a flap of skin off my finger doing it. Ouch.)
2. I cooked! Deviled eggs and panko baked chicken thighs! And Smol Acrobat even liked the deviled egg. Much amazement.
3. We survived both of PiC’s hybrid on site work days with less angst than before. I don’t know what got us through this week better than last but I hope next week will be better than this week was.
Challenges this week: I had a prolonged day of feeling like a terrible parent and it fueled a severe pain spike.
I’ve been feeling very sad about the loss of a dear friend lately. They’re not gone-gone, but they’re gone from my life and I miss them a lot. I uncharacteristically sought out a Rabbi’s writings in search of some kind of comfort. I happen to appreciate Rabbi Ruttenberg’s writing a lot so this seemed an appropriate text. It didn’t actually bring me any comfort but I wasn’t really expecting that. It did give me something to mull over when I have mental capacity for it: The Trauma of the Golden Calf: Terror, Loss, Technical and Adaptive Challenges
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