About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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December 6, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 260: Shifting back to normal school and work mode after a long holiday weekend and having a helpful person around is, in my professional opinion, YUCK.
*****
I’ve been rotating through four pairs of sweatpants for a solid year, day and night, because they’re so warm and comfy why would I wear anything else? I only put on real pants to take JB to school. Sometimes. Sweats are real.
We’re going to see people for the holidays and I’m not looking forward to the need to look like I give two hoots about how I look but I should probably get a pair of jeans that aren’t ripped clear across the leg? The last pair I bought was seven years ago and they’re in a pretty shabby state. I do have a smart looking pair of grey corduroy pants that I’d just get a duplicate of in another color but these dandy things are even older than my jeans and aren’t available anymore. Alas. (PiC thinks my pants being older than JB makes them OLD. I say they’re still young until we hit the 20s.)
I spent all day with a vague sense of missing sales but the few things we need weren’t available (pants for me, though I didn’t bother searching more than two stores) or aren’t on sale (the Le Crueset enameled cast iron frying pan because we’re sick of the waste of nonstick pans that don’t last) anyway.
On principle, I was tempted to shop more small businesses but that would be gratuitous right now. We just spent a small fortune at a small business for our anniversary gift.
I’ve been working on gifting and visiting logistics for the upcoming holidays and have a three page checklist in play now. Before any of that socializing can happen, though, JB has to get their second vaccine, PiC and I will need to get our boosters, and even Sera will need a flu booster since there’s dog flu outbreak going on. Only Smol Acrobat may dodge the needles this month, though I can’t be certain whether they’re due for anything routine soon.
I’m crossing my entire body like a pretzel hoping large vaccine trials for the under 5 and under 2 sets (they’re being tested separately) yield solid data SOON.
Year 2, Day 261: Smol miraculously slept 11 hours! But my brain fog, oohhh my brain fog today, so thick, it felt impossible to think around.
My first sign it wasn’t going to be a great day was when I started making breakfast and stopped a split second before I cracked all the eggs into the compost bin. At least it was before. I’ve done this before and only caught myself after a few eggs.
I’ve been holding on to a prescription of meds to take as needed, intermittently, for fatigue. Through the fog, I reasoned that this inability to think, this feeling like my brain is stuffed full of cotton, MAY be related to fatigue? Hell, it’s worth a shot. I tried my first, very low, dose. I didn’t notice much change in the first half hour but it seemed to lift a bit of the fog enough so I could clear a few things off my desk.
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December 3, 2021
1. Korean food has been a real revelation to me in adulthood. Ban chan, not to be confused with Bon Chon (the Korean fried chicken which is also great), soondobu / tofu soup, jap chae, bulgogi, bibimbap, it’s all so good.
2. I’ve been annoyed with my mouse for AGES and I finally replaced it. A mouse that responds at the speed I want it to! AMAZING!
Challenges this week: Work has been extra overwhelming and it’s taken extra efforts to take steps back to recalibrate, and not to work until midnight each night.
Grieving our losses from this year has been creeping in at odd times, striking me when I don’t expect it, and sometimes it’s crippling. It passes but it’s going to take some time to really absorb all the losses.
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November 29, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 253: JB and I have been spending bits of time together which we haven’t done since the pandemic started, it feels like. I’ve been helping them with their hair and reading to them some nights. I think my therapist was at least partially right that a major source of frustration and conflict we’ve been having lately has been related to their lack of connection to me which I was strongly feeling the lack of as well. These very little things that we’re doing together somehow seems to take the edge off our interactions that were frustrating me so much earlier.
Related, I think: They called me Mommy today for the first time in two years.
*****
A crowd of relatives dropped by for a visit and they brought GERMS with them. UGHHHH. I was immediately infected and so very very frustrated by this. We work so hard to protect Smol and me from germs right now, when we’re on a razor’s edge of being burnt out, and then this. It’s so inconsiderate. We’re immensely lucky to have help in this moment and I’m so mad that that’s squandered because people couldn’t have some consideration for my health. We were all masked of course but that and airflow still wasn’t enough to save me with more than one person running around sick and my not knowing that.
I’m very frustrated.
Year 2, Day 254: Still sick. Still frustrated.
I have a mega ton of work today and no energy with which to do it. So instead of getting it done early so I can enjoy Thanksgiving Thursday off with my family, I have to do the bare minimum today and conserve my energy to try to survive until Thursday. Awesome.
Still, my priorities are at least a little better in that I’m annoyed about the work but I’ve grown to a place where it doesn’t eat away at me (consciously, I still get the work nightmares at times) like it once would have. That’s a big change for me and I’m glad for the shift.
*****
Sometimes Smol is crawling across the floor and stops to do downward dog pose and I don’t know why they do it but it tickles me every single time.
I’m also tickled by their sudden flopping around thing they’re doing. It’s silly and funny.
Year 2, Day 255: We’re normally done with our grocery shopping by now but the disruptions to our pre Thanksgiving routine continued into today and I finally had to break away from work to just go and shop. It was another set of frustration but ultimately the best plan given everything that was going on.
I did put in some solid work time so that I could be set up to skip a day of work tomorrow and be ready to deal with stuff again on Friday at least part of the day no matter how little I want to go back to work. Definitely don’t wanna.
After three almost uninterrupted hours of work, I emerged from my cocoon to play with the kids a bit before we finally wrangled some leftovers for dinner. Our meal times have been all over the place lately and I just wasn’t hungry from still feeling sick anyway so I just grazed.
Year 2, Day 256: As we slowly started our day, PiC mentioned that an old friend is back in town. Not a particularly close friend but one that goes back several years. Normally it’d be fun to have an impromptu meet up with them but the timing overlaps with my person’s time here which has been well and truly disrupted beyond all reason so I firmly put the kibosh on this new development. I like them but no. I may not have set plans for the day but what I do have is a firm conviction that I am absolutely not open to making it work with anyone else for any reason, period. I’m done. While he doesn’t typically argue when I feel this strongly about it, and rightfully so, I normally would have guilted myself into trying to make it happen for his sake. They’re not here that often and I like him getting to see his people when possible. And especially after our being isolated for so long, it’s harder on him than it is on me. He wants to see people. I only want to see very specific people and anyone outside that list is exhausting right now.
So not this time. My person’s time is my priority and that’s that.
*****
We planned to start cooking at 130 but really started at 12. I’m glad because it worked out to a super early midday dinner at 4 pm when Smol was asleep. We were able to enjoy our hard earned sit-down meal at a leisurely pace without the squawking demands of a fussy eater. After they woke up, they got to have their own sit-down with our leftovers, and of course they squeaked and squawked and did their thing but it didn’t matter because we all had happy full bellies and had an hour to rest.
We still have entirely too many leftovers, of course, but not of turkey this year.
We decided to try something new and it’s a good thing we did because we ran out of fridge and freezer space four days ago. I’m not sure where we’d have fit a turkey.
*****
Oh also yesterday, JB and I had a few long conversations about the origin of this holiday. We told them that it actually involves a whole lot less goodwill towards the First Nations people than the stories say and a whole lot more bad behavior on the part of the colonists. For the sake of being age appropriate, we didn’t get into the genocide part yet, we can do that later.
They were appalled that their teacher didn’t tell them the whole truth. I explained that there are probably a lot of reasons for the half “truth” but that they also shouldn’t march in there and call the teacher a liar over it. (Not in first grade at least…) Twitter found this whole thing very amusing.
Year 2, Day 257: Definitely had to work but didn’t wanna today. I did the bare minimum and skipped out before 5 (barely). This has been a most unsatisfying week compared to what I had envisioned but I was super grateful to have my person here all this time. The kids adore them utterly and it’s been a real balm for the soul to have someone who loves the kids and who I love be here with us.
We even took a couple hours (across two days) to watch Shang-Chi. Note: I will watch anything with Michelle Yeoh, Gina Torres, or Ming Na in it. But I truly cannot remember when we adults last had a movie night. Years, plural, minimum. On the second day, JB excused themselves on the grounds that live action movies sometimes scare them and they believe it’s real when watching. We told them they’re never obliged to watch anything they don’t want to, but having a screaming tantrum about it (like they kind of did on the first day) is completely inappropriate. Just leave the room!! So they did. They did a solo art activity session for 1.5 hours and enjoyed themselves heartily. Isn’t that so much better than tormenting yourself or having a tantrum?
The first day behavior is clearly a mimicry of a cousin whose behavior I cannot stand. We have to “deprogram” JB from those absorbed behaviors every flipping time we see them and it’s such a pain. More on this later.
So grateful for the weekend!!
:: If you celebrated or had some time off, how was your long/holiday weekend?
November 26, 2021
1. With some trustworthy help with the kids, I feel the hardened shell of my soul softening some and swelling with a trickle of much missed patience for JB. I hate that I’ve been so closed off but under this much constant duress it’s been impossible to unclench my emotional grip.
It’s not going to last, this is a very temporary help, but I’m observing and taking some heart that maybe the frozen feeling of despair we’d been existing in can and will pass when we have more balance in our lives, when we aren’t holding on for dear life or fighting back to back just to survive.
Challenges this week: suffering from the lesser plague. Not happy about this.
Direct aid needs:
1) The GoFundMe has been set up for a friend of friend escaping a DV situation.
2) I had intended to be done with all our Lakota Giving for this year two weeks ago but we had a huge outpouring of donations and I’d been steadily working through fulfilling needs for families. Last night I took a last look at the list and ran across an individual whose situation really wrung me out. This young man, at the age of 30, is a paraplegic with limited use of his hands. He lives alone and it sounds like he lacks any mobility aids as he lives mostly in the dark, being unable to reach the wall switch. I’m inquiring into what he has and what he needs. I strongly empathized because my chronic pain threatened to leave me alone and immobile at a very young age but even if you didn’t have that experience, I’d think that would sound like a miserable way to live. JB sure thought so. I very much hope we can help set him up with sufficient aids to function reasonably well. Ideally I would love to be able to outfit him with a wheelchair if he could use one. If you’re able to pitch in, a gift (since donations and payments are charged fees) to admin@agaishanlife.com through PayPal would be going to a really good cause.
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November 23, 2021
Conversations with JB
Over breakfast one day, we talked about the coveted Mr. Sketch scented markers they would sniff all day if I’d let them and why I didn’t let them sniff markers, even harmless ones, until we had a chat about it. I don’t think I had even heard about whip-its until watching The Good Place but kids inhaling things for a euphoric high, or eating things that aren’t food on a dare (hi, Tide pods?), or inhaling and ingesting things that really shouldn’t be isn’t new in the world. We talked about how, often, kids will make foolish decisions and pressure other kids to do the same or to follow them into trouble. It can be harmless (we cousins used to follow each other into mischief all the time) but it can also be really harmful (when it gets to ingesting non foods or inhaling anything).
*****
We also talked about scammers. They asked what a scam call was, so I explained that some people try to call and trick you out of your money. How??
Well, sometimes they say they’re from your bank, and they need your password because something is broken and they need to fix it so that you can get to your money. Or they might say oh, give me your info so I can send you money. Do you think they ever send that money?
JB: noooooo!
Me: Nope. Who is going to give you free money if they don’t know you??
We discussed how scammers use fear or greed or both to push people into doing what they want. We even lightly touched on how my dad was a scammer, he lied to me playing on my desires to help my family, and took my money and ran.
JB: He’s the worst!
Me: Yep. That’s true.
Portion control
We typically tell JB how much of something they’re allowed to eat because given free rein, they’d likely gobble up everything in sight like a host of locusts. We want them to have balance in their nutrition sources and to be mindful and conscious of the food they take in so they have a solid foundation for a good relationship with food. We also want them to remember that other people exist!
It’s a work in progress of course, and we have to slowly take off the brakes to give them chances to exercise their judgement and get it right or wrong. So when faced with a platter of 8 deviled eggs, I turned the question around. How many do YOU think is reasonable?
JB: Four. I can eat four.
Me: Yeah? How does that work?
JB: I can eat four and then there’s four left!
Me: There are four left. How many does that leave for each other person who might want some eggs?
JB: Four! Everyone can have one!
Me: So you get four and then everyone else gets one?
JB: Yep! That seems reasonable.
Me: Ok, so you think that’s reasonable for you. I see. How would you feel about it if someone else got four and you got one?
JB: Oh..no. I wouldn’t like that.
Me: Ok so maybe that’s not fair to everyone? How should you divide them then?
JB: Ok I will stop eating now because I’ve already had two, and that leaves two for everyone!
Me: That’s probably more fair, though you can have one half of one of Smol’s since they might not want two.
Struggling
Gotta be honest, I’m really struggling to connect as a parent. It may partially be a function of depression and the pandemic, but I am struggling so much to connect to JB as a young kid. They’re not that “easy” (super active/angry/ cheerful/demanding/hilarious) baby anymore. Babies are physically chaotic and emotionally super easy for me. Young kids have opinions and desires and are trying to figure out everything through their little kid lens that I just don’t understand. And as their personality develops, little things that remind me of terrible family set off all my alarms and it’s harder to shut those alarms down. When they refuse to engage with their schoolwork as we work on homework together, and instead just throw out random guesses, my back goes up and I get angry. When they try to make me laugh, I stiffen up. That was my brother’s MO; I hated how manipulative he was. It’s not that JB is him, it’s just these little targets they keep hitting that viscerally remind me of people I can’t stand. Habits that I had grown to loathe decades ago. I keep looking for my little kid but they’re not that little kid anymore. Emotionally, I missed a whole year of bonding because I was so exhausted and prickly during pregnancy, I mentally checked out and PiC did almost all the fun hands on parenting. I was just trying to survive. It’s hard right now.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Hilariously, but inconveniently for us, Smol has realized they can use the nice door stoppers we have on our doors as a door handle. If any door isn’t latched shut and they want to leave the room, they just grab hold of the handy baby level “handle” and open ‘er up. 🤣
In the same category, they’ve learned how to climb and every box is now a stepstool. Talk about motivation to get my decluttering act together again!
*****
My favorite developments this month: While Smol isn’t that fun to feed with their finickiness sometimes, they are mimicking us when eating. They like to pretend to offer ME food after they take a first bite, much like how I often take a first bite to demonstrate that this is a thing we’re going to eat, or to check the temperature, before I offer them their food.
New game: they just started this flopping thing. They’ll sit on a bed and just flop on their face spread eagle. Get up, crawl a step and flop again. Rinse and repeat for ten minutes, sometimes giggling, sometimes being really really quiet and then POP surprise! Still awake! Annnnnnnd PLOP down again. It’s cute as heck.
*****
Overnight diapers have really saved our sleep this month. Smol has been back loading their bottles in the latter half of the day and so they were overfilling their normal diapers overnight. I kept waking up to a 3 or 4 am baby with a soaking wet diaper that had leaked. Thank goodness for the super absorbency of the overnights!
*****
My least favorite developments: the whining and the refusal to eat what I put in their mouth. They’ll open, accept the bite, then PLOP push it back out. Rinse and repeat. Arghhhhh. Just eat it.
They also have a need to chew on my sleeve or hoodie every meal and get so so angry when I deny this demand. Look, sometimes mama needs her hoodie to stay clean for a whole 12 hours!
*****
It’s startling to me that Smol asks for me.
They’re in a stranger danger sort of moment right now when looking at people makes them worried or vulnerable and, even when PiC is holding them, they might reach for me in that moment of scrunched up face cry. JB never did that. I mean, they never had that vulnerability fear thing which is probably odd but more specifically they also never reached for me. It was always the other way around. If they were in my arms, they wanted dad. If they were perched in dad’s arms, they were staying put. Being wanted is still unusual.
Pupdate
Sera had a bad ear infection this month, pup was hiding it well until she couldn’t any longer, so I’m grateful that a course of meds cleared her right up after 10 days. She did NOT enjoy the applications but … had to be done!
I continue to be impressed at how patient she is with Smol. She is always allowed to walk away from any interaction but even though she doesn’t love their heavy-handedness, she clearly genuinely wants to engage with him. We always caution them to use gentle hands and show them but babies will pound away with their drumming hands.
She lets them hang out next to her and she just wants to lick them in exchange for the giant pats that look like hitting. She isn’t startled or stressed, maybe in part because we don’t allow that to happen unsupervised and so she’s always getting positive reinforcement for her tolerance as well, but I would expect some stress if she didn’t like it. She most certainly doesn’t hesitate to get up and leave when they are heading for her and she doesn’t want to deal.
Precious Moments
JB’s attempts at jokes continue….
What does the banana say when the apple bumps it?
Hey, watch where you’re going, apple!
JB: The joke is that bananas don’t talk! And apples don’t have EYES.
JB: Knock-knock.
Me: Who’s there?
JB: Door handle.
Me: Door handle who?
JB: Door handle the knob is crooked!
…. I don’t get it.
JB: why did a bunny eat a turtle marshmallow?
Because it wanted a turtle but it couldn’t get one so it ate a Turtle Marshmallow!!
November 22, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 246: Smol slept in! Which was both nice for us and also disruptive because when they get up early, their first nap works well with the school dropoff and work start routine. Ah well. After dropoff, I took the prenap hour with them: a bottle, some time to wreak havoc and pull everything out of baskets several times, then a game of chase around the playmat. Cackles galore!
We got almost two hours of work in, during which I tested out an anti-anxiety exercise of writing out all the things plaguing my brain right now and separating the stuff I cannot control from the list of things I can control. The latter list is so short. The former list, so long.
*****
I hate hiring.
*****
I came pretty close to finishing my day’s work by 8 pm at which point I just needed to take another break (having taken one for dinner). Unfortunately almost wasn’t good enough and since PiC has a massive day of meetings tomorrow, I went back to finish up and try to make some headway into tomorrow’s work since I’ll be primary caretaker for half the day. Upon crawling into bed, I contemplated how profound a difference it is between being in pain and not being in pain. Pain meds rarely work well for me but on the rare occasions that they do, I feel that absence of pain so intensely. My doctor refers to me as “not a drugs person” but if pain meds were that effective every time? I’d be on them in a heartbeat. It also makes me marvel about how people who don’t live in pain every waking and most sleeping moments must take that for granted.
Year 2, Day 247: I’d forgotten how terrible it feels when my pain meds work on the physical pain and simultaneously block my brain from falling asleep. I got three hours of sleep last night. 😠By 10 am, my muscles were on fire and my brain had gone all spinny. I took a short “break”, set myself up on the bed with a huge stack of pillows for about 5 minutes before Smol woke up and thank goodness for that reset. I wish I’d thought to do that sooner. I was forcing myself to power through because there’s too much to do in too little time, of course.
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November 19, 2021
1. I was able to send PiC out to do outdoor stuff with his friends for a second weekend in a row and that felt really good. I was happy for him and happy that I physically was capable of managing both kids alone while he was gone. My fatigue before now had been too overwhelming, even if it was across one of Smol’s naps.
Challenges this week: A friend asked me to help them as they help a friend and her two babies escape their abuser. It’s been a huge challenge to find any resources that will help her. I think she’s going to need some direct aid. She can be helped through Venmo: mikansuki (last 4 digits of phone: 7803), or Zelle: mikanorangesuki@gmail.com. I don’t think there’s a better use for money than helping babies get to safety, is there?
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