December 31, 2021
Good Things Friday (149) and Link Love
1. JB and Smol Acrobat have had a lot of joy this week.
2. Sera has been unusually snuggly.
Challenges this week: Holidays are a lot.
family
Farewell to the best boy in the world
About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Read MoreDecember 28, 2021
My kids and notes from Year 6.11
Navigating Conflict
JB has a cousin with terrible manners (ignores people talking to them, snatches things out of people’s hands, whines and pouts and shouts to get their own way as a first resort, makes themselves out to be the victim when they’ve accidentally hurt someone in the course of play, etc). Lots of small bullying behaviors, PiC says. Personally I don’t enjoy this kid’s company at all. I know they’re not at heart a bad kid. This is still on the parents who are totally permissive and let the kid get away with being a complete jerk. We see them ignoring the behaviors all the time.
Meanwhile, JB cherishes all their cousins and still enthusiastically plays with them even though there is a guaranteed conflict every 2-30 minutes. I’m not sure what to make of their willingness to keep playing with such an obnoxious kid but that’s not my issue. (Though truly I am puzzled by it.)
PiC and I had a long talk about our responsibility here as parents and adults because we want JB to learn to navigate conflict but we also do not want stand by and let certain behaviors pass, nor do we want JB to think that they have to accept these kinds of behaviors. Not least because it grates our very souls. We have no solid answers but we were ruminating on the good ways to deal with this. PiC commented that his enforcement of our rules across the board and being strict with the nibling is between us and the nibling, it doesn’t help JB navigate the issues. That got me thinking. Maybe it does. It’s our responsibility to enforce house rules: we don’t snatch things out of people’s hands, we respond when we are spoken to, we use our words.
And when we do our job, a job our relatives dismally fail to do, I theorize that it empowers JB to stand up for themselves and hold firm when they want to, when the cousin is being a jerk. I could be totally wrong but this is a working theory and this is a long term situation so we have way more time than I like to think about to keep navigating.
Creative work
JB has assignments to use their class assigned words in complete sentences and I think they’re a real hoot.
I will send a big package and it will have ghosts in it.
I will go around the poop so I won’t step in it.
A fish is going to eat me on Monday.
Life with Smol Acrobat
New tricks: they have mastered the M and B sounds. MAAAAAAMMMM MAMMM. BA BA BA BA! Bao bao bao! Ah BA!
We’re also playing games. They’ll pretend to feed me, or pretend to pick stuff up and give it to me and laugh when I play along.
It’s so interesting how they communicate at this age with no words. My friend wondered what they’re thinking at this age and I can’t get that question out of my head.
Clapping: is a huge source of entertainment. They rip off their bib with dramatic flourish and then clap for themselves so proudly.
I’m less proud because we’re usually not done with the meal, their hands, face, bib and now their shirt are a mess and now half that mess is on the floor. But they’re so happy.
Watching Smol go to sleep on a hard day is still a journey:
Insert a squalling or whiny or impatient Smol into the crib. Upon touchdown, I hand them their bear friend whose ears are suspiciously still wet even though no one has touched it for a couple hours. Gross.
They grin like they know what I’m thinking.
I wave and leave to watch on the monitor. They hold the bear by the ears and roll around for ten minutes, cuddling and snuggling. Just when you think, prematurely, they might be slowing up, up they pop. One hand in mouth, one hand petting bear friend, then they fold in half at the waist over the bear. Up again, then folded over again. And again. Soon they look like a tilting toy, a round bottomed baby, that keeps rocking forward and back and back and forward. Hand always in mouth.
Then they move over to another plushie friend, hello hedgehog. Hi hedgie friend. Nuzzle nuzzle. Hedgie goes on the head. Hedgie goes under the chin. Hedgie goes over the shoulder because hedgie isn’t big enough for a proper squish squash. Back to the bear friend. Pet pet pet bear face. Squish bear friend. Whack dog friend on the head with flailing hand. Intentional? No idea.
Fall over on face hugging bear friend. Pass out.
Reading buddy. They’ve always been reasonably attentive to their bedtime reading books but are usually too active after a nap to sit for a book. That seems to be changing a bit this month: they’ll sit and listen to two short books after naps too. Not always, but it’s a nice start.
Skills(ish): they JUST got motivated enough to hold their own bottle. Great. Just in time for me to start needing to plan to transition them off bottles in a couple months! Awesome. Also awesome, they don’t think milk should be in anything but a bottle. Water they’ll drink out of anything. Milk? No.
Pupdate
I spotted a flea on Sera the other day. You know I am deeply interested in taking good care of my dogs, so the first time that happened with Seamus, I had the screaming heebies and felt horrible about it, like I was a collosal mom dog failure. Since then I’ve learned that we have a surprising amount of wildlife here: pumas, skunks, raccoons, feral cats, all kinds of critters running around.
Even the most well kept dogs are going to catch the occasional hitchhiker. And generally that’s all it is. I check them thoroughly after every time I catch the odd one, it only happens once every year or so, and make sure they’re up to date on their flea meds and go on. Sera seems unnerved by the thorough flea checks. I assure her that she didn’t do anything wrong but I don’t think she gets it.
Precious Moments
JB singing a song from a toy, questioning the lyrics: I’ve been working on a bulldozer, all the livelong day. Wait. Maybe it’s hard to live all day? I’ve been working on a bulldozer living all day? I’ve been working on a bulldozer, it’s been a long day?
December 27, 2021
Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (82)
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 281: Intense family time began over the weekend (though any extended-family time is intense for me these days) and will continue in some form until the end of the year.
I’m so grateful for the opportunity to spend quality time with these aunties, one at a time, but it’s also a whole LOT of juggling trying to figure out work and childminding and socializing and how to allocate my energy and and and. The holiday season intensifies my brain fog something wicked.
I set out a very specific schedule to ensure that we balance our many human and canine needs (which unfortunately always includes work for me) and space the socializing enough to make it through the whole schedule. I try really really hard not to make any mistakes but we had one this year that required shuffling of plans and I thought it was very telling that I was so so relieved that the error wasn’t mine. It’s ok for other people to make mistakes but not me, still. SMH.
Year 2, Day 282: JB got a lesson in setting a formal dining table and an adventure in shopping for shoes (masked, not around many other people, lots of open air).
They even got to visit with the fluffiest cats who were friendly as anything and willing to let both kids pet them. It was an absolute delight. We’ve worked really hard on JB’s cat manners and I was so proud when they remembered all of it well enough that the cats approached them.
Year 2, Day 283: My energy, it is drained. I have all kinds of work nonsense to figure out and it’s still Intense Family Time too. Juggle juggle juggle juggle SMASH.
Ok nothing has smashed quite yet but it’s not great. I did get one tiny bright spot of good news at work though which should make our lives 2% better (at first) and I hope for a rapid increase in improvement after that. But still, I must first wade through the nonsense. And make PHONE CALLS. Yuck.
***** (more…)
December 24, 2021
Good Things Friday (148) and Link Love
1. I see that almost everyone is back on the holiday card wagon this year. I enjoyed seeing so many updates. Maybe we’ll do one in the new year. Maybe!
2. Happy to have run across this quote: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
-Anne Lamott
Challenges this week: Family Time is complicated. I appreciate my people and also have so little extra energy.
December 20, 2021
Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (81)
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 274: I’m a shambling mess today. Wait that implies an ability to move. Scratch that. Just a mess, then. The combo of the cold and then the booster trying to teach my immune system to do a thing has produced an internal storm of fatigue, full body aches, nausea chills and hot flashes that may be fever except I’m too beat to check to see. I took the day off because I couldn’t sit up and alternately shivered and sweated it out while PiC held down the fort. Absolutely misery. He’s a champ considering he also didn’t feel well at all and still he kept all the kids alive, fed, safe and warm when I couldn’t lift a finger to save myself. He should be the standard for partners, not the exception.
*****
It looks like my official CFS diagnosis is recorded after all. I wasn’t sure but the doc confirmed today that I fit all the parameters. She suggested a number of mitigation strategies that mainly add up to “work with the little you have instead of wishing for more or acting like you can power through because that’ll make it worse.”
And ok that makes sense but also I hate it.
Sigh.
So I have to consider getting a wearable to teach my heart rate to see if that helps inform my daily activity choices. Often CFS folks will see their heart rate spike when they’re overdoing it. I have to think about whether I want to try an off label medication that seems to help about 25% of patients with both pain and fatigue. But mostly I have to accept working within my limitations so that I don’t always run on empty which will make the CFS worse.
Year 2, Day 275: I’m … Less terrible today. I’m at this kitten’s level of strength.
Luckily PiCs been chugging along doing his AND my share of chores: cooking all meals, cleaning, picking and dropping off JB at school, walking, minding Smol in between naps. We’d be doomed if not for him.
But I can tell the rest is helping, slowly but surely. I’m still miserable but it’s not as bad as it was yesterday and maybe won’t be as bad tomorrow. I hope our fresh boosters mean we have really solid protection against omicron. I just have to play a firm defense for Smol Acrobat since they have zero protections.
*****
Oh good news: JB is fully vaxxed!! Yay protection for one kid!
Come on vaccines for the under 5 and under 2 groups!!
Year 2, Day 276: I had a huge disappointment with a work project today and I had to rant about it a bit. It’s going to have a big impact on me and my team and I am just too tired to rally right now. So I’m going to schedule in a break before I tackle it again.
Year 2, Day 277: Had an absolutely awful physical and mental health day today. They fed into each other and I found my brain chasing its tail down the well worn corridors of: you’re physically useless so you’re just a burden (the number of times I heard that word from a relative…), I fight every day to do my best and my best still isn’t good enough so why should I keep fighting. I found myself in that unbelievably angry and bitter place in short order, set off by the smallest of remarks. It was rough.
I managed to remind myself that when I hurt the most physically, I feel the most vulnerable emotionally, and that’s when I feel like I must go on the attack against myself so that others can’t hurt me again. If I tear myself down first, no one else can hurt me the same way.
It’s familiar but it’s not healthy and it took some hours to work through.
*****
Hello, wall of planning paralysis. I’d normally be much more ready for the holidays by this time in the month but I lost so much time to illness and fatigue that my spirit has given up on trying to get to the normal level of readiness. I skipped designing, ordering, and mailing holiday cards entirely, that cut out one huge swath of time sink but the remaining tasks are Herculean. For all the niblings I won’t be seeing this year, I should have gotten their cards in the mail two weeks ago. I haven’t even put them in envelopes today!
Year 2, Day 278: I’ve been working from bed all week to conserve energy and my butt is ten kinds of numb. I really need a better pillow support system / set up. Something that supports my back and neck when I’m sitting more straight up and allows support to move with me when I have to slide down.
JB gets out of school REALLY early today and thankfully PiC has arranged his schedule to mostly be off so that he can cover the children and let me work and get caught up on my ridiculous backlog of work that built up over the past 3 weeks of me being totally off my game.
I went from intense working mode into full holiday prep mode and by 8 pm, right about when I had intended to go back to work and clear up some more work, it hit me that I am so very very tired.
*****
I thought I’d read this elsewhere but happened across it on AITA again recently and had to laugh how spot on this is: the narcissist’s prayer.
“That didn’t happen! And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, it wasn’t my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”
:: Hope you had a great weekend!
December 17, 2021
Good Things Friday (147) and Link Love
1. After much vaccine appointment stalking, we got lucky and found a site doing mass vaccines. And boy howdy do I mean mass. There were hundreds of people there. It was all outdoors, mostly masked except for Mr line cutter, and generally congenial. Minus that white woman (notable considering we were a sea of brown and black people of all ages who weren’t having hissy fits) who showed up and loudly decried having to wait in line. š The actual children didn’t act so childishly. After a long wait, we got our boosters, JB got their second vax, the admin and vax administrators were all very kind and patient in the face of the seemingly unrelenting hordes. Even the lady who was checking us in and confessed she had come several hours earlier to help with something else entirely and was pulled into this was patient even when I politely asked to switch manufacturers when I found out they had everything available. Even Smol, up for much longer than they were accustomed to, hung out with us amidst all the strangeness and was patient. This ate up half our day but was worth the peace of mind and I’m so grateful for so many parts that went smoothly: no traffic jams, we lucked into great parking at an immensely crowded site, my body was able to cope with the long wait, my just in case jacket for JB was gratefully received because of course they’d thought they didn’t need a jacket.
Challenges this week: Still fighting this dang cold.
December 13, 2021
Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (80)
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 267: Possibly my least favorite thing about the responsibilities parenting right now is doing the night time floss and brush with JB. They whine so much. But we must because the dentist says we must and while I might naysay most anyone else, I will comply with dentist’s orders like whoa. I love going to the dentist and I want to always love going to the dentist, I don’t ever want to walk in there with guilt and shame over having neglected my kid’s teeth. PiC does a lot of those too but I feel more responsible since he already does most of the kid night time routines.
*****
Everyone is sick today. š¤¢ Even Sera is sneezing her head off!! Smol is spiking a fever, JB and PiC are leaky faucets, I feel wrung out and drained to the dregs (which is also normal for me too but in a sick way this time).
The only good thing is when I administered the first dose of ibuprofen to Smol for the fever, braced for baby war, they relaxed and didn’t fight every microliter like the last time they were feverish. I don’t know if this was a fluke but I hope they’ve developed a taste for the medicine enough so we don’t have to battle it out every time.
*****
I am hoping I fixed the dishwasher leak problem. PiC noticed it was leaking during a cycle the other day and I wondered if it was a seal problem. Wiped the whole thing clean with vinegar and discovered that HELLO there was a screw loose in the casing that was preventing the door from sealing. It also damaged the seal but I’m hoping that small tear isn’t enough to cause leaks.
Year 2, Day 268: Huzzah, Smol will take their medicine without flipping out!! Thank everything. I wonder if it’s because I upgraded to a bigger and better syringe or if it’s just because they’re older, don’t feel as terrible as last time, and the taste isn’t new. Whatever it is, I’m grateful every single time I dose them.
*****
We all feel like some version of garbage today. Of course JB remains full of energy and Tigger bounces around despite their symptoms. I’m grateful to yesterday me for poaching chicken breast to make broth. That broth plus rice became warm breakfast chao ga. 8 year old me would be aghast that I served rice porridge for breakfast, I used to hate that. But everyone here today was happy with their breakfast. Hint: remember to take zinc AFTER eating. Before makes all the food taste terrible!
We did the most sloth-slug possible version of parenting today. We traded childminding every one or two hours as usual. For his off time, PiC passed out on the ground. The kids and I watched the robot vacuum, me quietly taking satisfaction in having the grit removed from our floors, them slightly concerned about the possibly sentient being.
We went outside for a breath of fresh air. I’ve been trying to get them out for walks midday, today was an extremely abbreviated jaunt.
It was my turn to work after I sent Smol to Sleepytown part 2. I decided in favor of self preservation and stopped after I cleared the most time critical work. JB built a nest for me and waited by the bedside until I went to lay down. They read the rest of the time. PiC was still miserably sick but went out (masked of course) to pick up the provisions that we had so unfortuitously ran out of. It was a hot and sour soup kind of sick day. Hot and sour soup feels like it burns out some of the sick. Of course it doesn’t but the numbing effect is appreciated.
I dosed everyone with ibuprofen, Zarbee’s, or Robitussin and sent everyone to bed early.
Year 2, Day 269: Another weird day as everyone continues to feel cruddy.
Smol was grumpy half the day but oddly cheerful intermittently so they must not feel so bad. They, bless all the things, continue to take their medication happily so that’s one less fight.
*****
I sorted a medium load of laundry and got that running. Even when I’m feeling run down, I’m so grateful that I can take dirty clothes, put them in a machine, then put them in another one, and they get cleaned and dried. Growing up, I spent time out in the countryside where all the washing was done by hand and I never again took our luxury of a washing machine and dryer for granted. Even if I don’t put them away right away, it also makes life so much easier to have some clean socks, underwear, masks, and a few shirts somewhere.
*****
YAY I just sold the last of the Snoo swaddles. PiC had commented that he’d have thrown them all into a bundle for $30 and unloaded them in one go. I therefore took that as a silent challenge to make this worth my while. In the end, I made $76 after fees! Woo! My way was slow but it was worth it! Because I more than doubled the amount he would have randomly listed it for. š
Year 2, Day 270: I thought I’d feel better today but I was dizzy half the morning through a very important meeting where I had to look and sound coherent. Awesome. Really love that.
*****
We had registered for the state’s Brace and Bolt program a couple years ago but they gave us such a short timeline, at a really bad time for us, to get the work done that I had to let it expire. The program opened up again recently and after three reminders, I decided to just submit our application again this year just to see if we get approved again next year.
*****
I bumble along best I can when I’m sick, trying to learn to pace myself better and take breaks when it doesn’t feel like there’s any room in the day to take breaks. If I don’t, my whole body will fall apart. Once I’m sick, it sets off a cascade effect with my fibro pain so not only do I get the fun viral stuff (sore throat, runny nose, cough, fatigue), I also get intense joint and muscle pain every single time. Woo. I’m learning, though. I’ve been getting by on the bare minimum this week so the pain is a little less intense. My wrists couldn’t bear weight yesterday, which is just perfect when you’ve got a little one crawling about, but fighting my urge to force myself to power through means today, that particular pain is less intense than it would normally be. Other aches pop up, and again, I focus on doing the best I can to rest and doing my best not to fret about it. Fretting doesn’t help and it actually probably makes the pain part worse. I do whine though. Grumble grumble whine.
*****
JB read to Smol for bedtime tonight, and then asked me to listen to them read for their bedtime. They don’t often want me for bedtime reading, they strongly prefer PiC and I’m usually so tired I just roll with it but I’m trying not to miss these small moments so I go and sit with them before bed.
Year 2, Day 271: I’m laying on the floor to write this at the end of Friday night so that gives a general idea of the state of things.
A miserable Smol is in bed. JB will be soon. I hope to be very very soon.
Smol no longer takes their medicine without a screaming (them) fight/struggle (both of us). š This is no good.
It’s also gotten ice cold this week and that doesn’t feel so great in combination with my worn out state. So this is the boo hoo section. Moving on…
*****
Taking a moment to be so grateful for our community who pitches in when a friend is in need. My head has been congested and splitting all week so Abby kindly assisted with getting the message out and our people stepped up. We bought our friend a little breathing space and a safe place to stay for a few more days while they regroup and figure out next steps. Some offered assistance with job hunting and that may be useful soon, we’ll find out. It’s amazing how a community can lift one another up if we’re willing to make the effort. (The irony of that metaphor as I lay on the ground tickles.)
*****
I’ve finally wrapped almost all the holiday gifts that I had ready. I still need to figure out what’s going on with my sewing machine because I wanted to whip up a quick blanket for JB from the remaining project fleece I’d bought. I only have a few more days to do that before I’m out of time for such things. I hope I have the energy to do that this weekend. We have our boosters scheduled for the weekend and that could really upend all the plans.