Life with chronic pain: a sobering reminder
January 7, 2015
Reading Parenting with chronic pain on Slate was a huge wrenching reality check for me.
There’s nothing new in there. No surprises about how chronic pain plus the rigors of parenting go down. Nothing that I haven’t worried over and discussed to death with PiC. There were many many days where I just couldn’t see committing to parenthood because of it. But reading another chronic pain mother’s experience, after the child has arrived and is older, is a bit of a kick in the gut nonetheless.
Chronic pain has now dominated 2/3 of my life. There is no cure and very few effective ameliorating treatments for what I have other than trying not to “overdo it” (which is to say, do ANYthing that resembles having a real life) on bad days.
I have no reason to think that it’ll get any better. Parenting was always going to be a challenge but parenting with only 65% of normal function, at best, well, that’s going to be a hell of a thing.
I wonder if this is a huge mistake for LB’s sake. My parents, in some very real ways, shattered my late teens and most of my 20s with their financial and health instability and poor decisions. Am I setting LB up for an equally difficult path?
Obviously you could argue that no one knows what tomorrow brings and that terrible things could happen to any healthy parent as well but
A) most people don’t really actually get hit by a bus so that “anything could happen” argument holds very little water here practically speaking (and anything could STILL happen but magically getting better is not likely) and
B) I already have an existing chronic and limiting condition that has only gotten progressively worse over the years. This isn’t a game of What If, it’s a When and How Badly will this deteriorate?
We’ve committed.
We are committed. There’s no turning back and I don’t think we would choose to if we could turn back time. (I don’t know. I just don’t think we would. And maybe that’s just because I’m stupid. But it’s highly likely that LB will be an only child if we don’t adopt.)
But this just reminds me that I’m not paranoid, that the sort of lurking fear that I’ll be crippled “someday” is not being dramatic given the number of days I can only just exist.
This is why I’ve always insisted that our emergency savings are UNTOUCHABLE. And our savings rate must NEVER fall below 25%. When I get too sick or broken to work, I need to know we won’t be falling back on the charity of … who exactly? No one in my family is fit as support even were they inclined to provide it, the few who might be in a financial position to help are terrible people and I’d never ever ask them for help. His family’s got their hands full already.
Simply put, we must maintain solid financial health because my physical health is at best, average, on a good day.
This is where all your planning and saving pays off. Your attitude and history of good decisions will be what makes the difference for your kid – you’re going to be a great mom!
<3
Thanks for being so honest and candid on this topic. Given the sheer amount of will and determination you have, I think that will make you an excellent mom for LB.
Thanks!
“My parents, in some very real ways, shattered my late teens and most of my 20s with their financial and health instability and poor decisions”: I can’t imagine you making very many poor decisions. You always think things through in detail and you’re a careful planner. So that’s one part you can discard.
Lots of people have chronic health problems and raise kids successfully. It’s just harder…maybe. Raising a kid is a real headache no matter what! 😀 But it has its redeeming qualities.
You decided to have LB because you wanted to and you figured you could manage it. That’s about the best you can do. You can’t change your circumstances but often they don’t have to dictate your life. Carry on!
What folks above said. 🙂 And don’t discount your Partner-in-Crime– he’s gonna be a great dad and he’s going to make everything manageable.
And there’s a big difference between a parent with chronic pain and one that causes instability with poor decisions and financial problems. There’s nothing wrong with your mind or your emotions. You will be a great parent.
Oh ne’er let it be said I discounted PiC – he’s a freakin AMAZING partner. 🙂
I can only imagine how hard it’s for you with this condition and I admire you for all the efforts. I am a parent and it’s a challenging job, but also the best one in the world. Keeping fingers crossed for you and hoping you’ll be able to achieve your dreams. In the past 11 months since I became a mother I realized that children need LOVE on to of anything, and I’m sure you have plenty of that 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement!
As someone who has suffered through chronic pain in the past I definitely felt for the author of that article and for you as I read your post. It’s true you never know what’s in store. You will need to rely on the strength of your partnership with your spouse. He may take on more responsibilities during times when you need to give in to the pain. It sounds like you have a great relationship though and if you have weathered pain so far you will get through this together too.
True indeed! We have learned so much working through the chronic pain in other aspects, I trust him when it comes to parenting. I suppose at times I trust him more than myself, which is unusual but speaks to how awesome he is.
Hello! New to your blog 🙂 General Q: when you say chronic pain, do you have a diagnosis?
Welcome! Yes, I do have a diagnosis, though when the medical profession refers to chronic pain, it also refers to pain that has lasted for over a certain period of time, regardless of cause. The baseline I usually hear is 6 months, mine has persisted over a decade and definitely qualifies.
[…] She is a trooper. Seriously. … and so is this woman. Much respect to both. […]
What everyone else said — and no one can ever REALLY be prepared for parenthood. We just do the best we can from day to day. However, you are starting off with the best prep you can think of and I think that you and PiC will do just fine.
How hard can it be, anyway? Just keep one end full and the other end dry. 😉
Hah! I’ll do one end, PiC can have the other 🙂