March 17, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (250)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 5, Day 323: Sunday was terrible, I had vasovagal syncope from 10 am to 5 pm, no idea why. I feel owed a weekend day, I got nothing done yesterday other than trying to not pass out. But today! Today I feel like a nearly functioning human! As much of one as I can ever feel.

So while I didn’t manage to hit my notes to self to-do list, which is separate from my other two to-do lists, I did:

Make full use of a largely uninterrupted workday, gouging a huge dent in my piled up work. Felt annoyed the whole way through because I’m on hold for so many semi-related things but this is good. This helps me start tomorrow a little less behind the 8-ball than usual.

Finally get to work out again for the first time in more than a week! It freaks me out when I have to go more than a day or two without exercising because I lost conditioning so fast after the December holidays. But today I figured out how to manage longer planks – read three pages of a book. That gets me through the first 40 seconds pretty smoothly. My new range is 47-57 seconds, and I’m shaky on the back half, so this feels like a big win when I needed one on this front.

Tomorrow is going to be much more fractured with early school release and needing to make calls, so Tomorrow me will appreciate Monday me’s efforts.

Year 5, Day 324: Demotivation: 100% today. Might be because I woke up from a dream about losing a key software we use at work and I wasn’t able to come up with an adequate workaround for my anxiety dream brain. Everything I did today came from a deep well of “don’t WANNA”. I still did it, just with poor grace. It comes from being too dog-deprived, I’m pretty sure. My neighborhood dog encounter tally is 0 for the past two weeks and that’s just too long. As a poor attempt at a cure, I ogled some adoption listings and this beautiful girl is up for adoption. She’s 3 years old, good with humans and dogs, and appears to be very good natured. She’s also 120 lbs.

She’s well over my lifting limit of 65 pounds, if 120 lbs is accurate, but her adorable face had me wondering … could I learn/build up to deadlifting 120 pounds? No, the answer is most definitely no. Still. One can sigh.

But like an answer to my prayers, some folks brought their dogs to the kids’ afterschool activity and the dogs hung out with me for half an hour. Darn if that didn’t heal my psychic wounds and bring my spirits right back to fighting form. There’s nothing better than having a dog sprawled out next to you while you’re working, letting you pet them at your leisure.

We came back to a chili and cornbread dinner that took me over a month to prep, 1-2 ingredients at a time. I prepped the peppers and froze them several weeks ago. I made the extra cornbread a few weeks ago and froze that. I gathered the rest of the ingredients over the past two weeks and cooked it yesterday. On a night when we’re usually late and tired and rushed, we ended the night with happy and full bellies. Even if SmolAc WAS a party pooper and claimed not to like it. They probably didn’t, they are not a pleasure to feed.

Year 5, Day 325: You know I’ve been simmering about financial changes needed with the threats to the FDIC and our banking system. Now, on the one hand, I don’t see these billionaires, whose net worths are tied up in the stock market, trying to tank the US stock market. However I DO see them deliberately destroying our banking institutions to push their crypto agenda or to destroy the middle class while they continue to loot the government. So far, everything they’ve done is geared toward destruction. It makes sense to assume their move on the FDIC is just a matter of time. Though if they threaten the livelihoods of the wealthy (not the uber wealthy) by destroying banking, I wonder how those people would respond. Even if they don’t try to tank the stock market, the global community boycotting American products will eventually have an impact, I know my Canadian friends are doing everything they can not to buy American: The Entire World Is Pissed at Trump—and It May Cost the U.S. Big Time.

Anyway, I’m looking to mitigate our risk. I’d opened a brokerage account during the years I didn’t have a 401K. In it, we are heavily invested in domestic stock (Vanguard’s VTSAX) which served us very well for years. I’m changing future contributions to buy VTIAX instead or also. My Roth IRA is also VTSAX, and I may sell VTSAX to buy VTIAX instead in there, it’s such a small amount it seems negligible. In normal times, I’d just stay entirely aggressively in domestic stocks but it’s no longer precedented times. These are relatively mild moves to balance our exposure between domestic and international stocks.

I’m still eking out time to research international bank options as a safe place to lodge a good portion of our cash in case there IS a bank failure. I’m not even sure how this new imaginary risk-mitigated landscape looks, I’m just trying my best to deal.

What, if anything, are y’all doing?

Year 5, Day 326: You’ll be proud, I’m sure, to know that I have learned how to conquer my “I sat in a bean bag too long, am stuck” problem. It only took 3 months of flailing like an upside down turtle to figure out that instead of trying to stand up, the better way to go is to roll to the side onto my knee, and then voila! Freedom! I’ve always said I’m a bit slow on the uptake.

This is my first full week of working out since the whole ER thing and I’m still struggling more than I like but being able to do something every day, even just a little, is a huge relief.

Speaking of flailing like an upside down turtle, metaphorically this time, I’ve been so annoyed at myself for perpetually losing count when I’m doing my reps. Around 4-6 reps, my brain wanders off and I finally snap to attention having done way more than I meant to. It’s not because it feels good, it’s because I literally forgot to stop. It only just occurred to me that the solution is to count DOWN from the target, instead of counting up! Surely I will notice when I run out of numbers. We’ll see if this works.

Year 5, Day 327: There’s a storm rolling through California. Even without looking outside, my bones are telling me it’s dark and stormy. It’s been a long day in a long week in a long … well. I’m really feeling it today.

One money question answered! we did both get bonuses this year. Now I can sit down this weekend to figure some things. I’m hoping to stretch them to cover that cashflow hole I caused with so many donations, and fill in some planned spending buckets for the year. This needs a couple hours of wrangling to figure out all the moving parts.

And another money question answered! We’re due a federal refund and owe CA state taxes; they just about cancel each other out. We come out a little bit ahead. I feel ok about this – I’d have felt very gross paying any more federal tax than we’ve already paid in. Fundamentally I want to pay taxes to fund a better society, that’s our civic duty and it makes sense. But this is so very much not the year that our tax dollars get that result, and it’s hard to see when it will again.

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March 10, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (249)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 5, Day 316: I don’t know what’s for dinner but I DO know what’s for dessert: a delightful little apple crisp we found at the farm store. This is going to be great! We visited a small town over the weekend and played tourist which meant I looked for yummy new foods to bring home like a fresh artichoke lemon pesto.

We also made a quick grocery run, so added to the pantry: beef and fireroasted tomatoes for my future chili-making (maybe I could throw this together tomorrow?), a mirepoix for a future chicken pot pie (might be able to manage this midweek if I can defrost the chicken and cut it up, sure hope I still have pie crust in the freezer). I’ve been thinking about cooking these things for weeks and have been slowly acquiring ingredients one at a time and freezing them. There are three poblano and Anaheim peppers already diced and frozen ahead of use. I just need to some green onions and the chili can start to come together pretty quickly.

We might eat well this week! (Fingers crossed)

Sad update: JB asked for tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner. They picked a new to us tomato soup, Rill Foods’ Umatilla Tomato Soup Mix, and it was the worst tomato soup we’ve ever had. It was bitter and kind of gritty. Yuck. We couldn’t even finish our first bowls, every bite was awful. I tried to doctor it with sour cream but it was unsalvageable.

I speculated that my wicked heartburn before dinner was trying to warn me off it entirely but I was too foolish to listen.

Year 5, Day 317: I jinxed us. We did not eat well. Also, my heartburn turned into an internal wildfire. It woke me multiple times and by morning I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t experiencing some kind of heart problem. The advice line nurse and an ER doc thought there were enough concerning symptoms I should come in to get checked out. Sigh. Two hours of tests, IV drip and copious meds before the enflamed vise-like band around my chest and upper back eased up enough I could breathe again. The x-ray, bloodwork, and EKG all came back normal so as always, we have no idea what my body is doing and why. My (physician) relative speculated on a few other possible diagnoses, I’ll follow up on those ideas with my primary care, while I try to figure out how to cope with this horrible burning pain. And I’m completely exhausted.

A Bsky mutual gave me a useful list of rules they follow for their heartburn, and I backed away from the calcium carbonate Mylanta this evening in case that really is just making things worse. It was administered with lidocaine this morning and the heartburn came back with a vengeance this evening. Sigh. I had such high hopes. Call me … I don’t know what to call it but I pulled out chicken to defrost anyway in case I might be able to cook it later this week.

Year 5, Day 318: I don’t know how optimistic people function in life. I know a few people whose attitude and approach to life is “I always decide to have a good day.” And things turn out reasonably well for them! Meanwhile I say “2025 is going to be a little less shitty! I made a plan!” and then the fates cackle and kick my teeth in. What am I doing wrong? I’m referring to work life and life in the US in general, but also in specific, my health this year.

Yesterday’s ordeal kicked off muscle aches at a level I haven’t experienced in years, unbearable aches that drove me out of bed because I couldn’t stand laying there and hurting anymore. I had some hazy desperate thought of walking it off, maybe. That did not work. PiC attempted to comfort me and that helped a little bit and I was able to get a little sleep but honestly, my status is roughly “death warmed over”.

There’s a bitter irony in my having written that and then getting a text from my friends from four jobs back. Our former coworker T, who I didn’t know was battling cancer, died. We weren’t close but we cared about each other when we worked together and I’m kind of numb.

Year 5, Day 319: Today was a hell of a slog at work. But. While it wasn’t good, it was better. I’m still in a lot of pain but:

I managed to locate the possible ant entry point in JB’s room and put down bait.

I pulled out the defrosted chicken thighs, pondering on the premium we pay for boneless meat because if we didn’t, I could never cook at all, and cut them into chunks (5 minutes). My recipes are stretched across 2-6 days as it is and sometimes I still can’t cook before my ingredients go off.

I came back after a long break and separated the onions out of the mirepoix. Boiled the celery and carrots briefly, then boiled the chicken cubes briefly. Set them aside to cool. I pulled the frozen pie crusts out to defrost. Tomorrow I’ll make the roux. There’s no time and no energy for that today, not if I’m going to make it through dinner, bath and bedtime. JB’s been wanting me to make a chicken pot pie for over a year and it’s taken me this long to attempt it again.

I’d defrosted too much chicken the rest of the thighs go in an adobo chicken marinade. Thankfully it takes more effort to find the ingredients than it does to put together the marinade. They’ll cook tomorrow.

Then it hit me tonight: T died. And so did my mentor who passed suddenly last January. So did my last dog, Sera. A long-time friendship died about this time last year. A huge seismic shift for the worse happened at work this time last year. This country elected the worst shitbag last November and let that into the White House this January and it’s been nothing but chaos since.

This has been such a painful fourteen months. I thank therapy and meds and PiC’s support for keeping me going but the bigger surprise is that my body didn’t cave earlier.

Year 5, Day 320: Money things I’m stiiiiillllll waiting on: our tax filing. Confirmation of any raise for me this year. Confirmation of my bonus amount. I’m trying to be patient but everything seems to be delayed for one unknown reason or another and that’s a bit of a frustration.

PiC got his percentage, that’ll be a modest increase. With how much I’ve increased our direct aid, I’d hoped for more. Also to keep pace with the cost of living but I’m glad he got anything at all, we never take that for granted in this economy and political environment. We really don’t know how long we’ll keep our jobs in the face of this administration so I’m doing my best to balance self-preservation planning and supporting the vulnerable in our communities.

At least we had the adobo chicken ready to cook tonight, I didn’t have any brain left by the end of today. This week was really a deep dive into a deep hole of BLEH.

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