The pants-free, unregistered, baby un-shower
January 14, 2015
As a veteran guest of baby showers, when our turn came around, I wasn’t excited about having one and happily, PiC agreed.
No Shower
My frequent attendance in the past was always out of love and support for the guest of honor, but I quickly came to loathe the traditional baby shower. There was always awkward mingling among (not with!) guests who don’t know each other and so only focus on the guest of honor. Then the whole affair involves fancy color coordinated food, decorations, and gifts for the games. Oh the GAMES. I haven’t met a baby shower game that I didn’t hate. There are probably a few out there that are fun but they have yet to be discovered. It’s not just too much face time for an introvert, but it’s also sort of appalling from the social ineptness point of view.
Aside from that, it felt too much like a gift grab, especially not long after we finally formally had our “wedding”, and even more so when someone made remarks to that effect (“this is how you get all the stuff you want!” Ew.). It’s kind of gross to ask people to travel again, unless we did which, frankly, the idea of flying or driving back to Southern CA again as I’ve become hugely unwieldy was completely unappealing – just to give us gifts? No, that’s ok, I’d rather save the time and spend my own adult-earned money on the things we really needed.
My feeling is that if we can’t afford the basic start up costs on LB, then we have no business having a kid. And it’s easier to keep the accumulation of stuff down to a manageable level when you’re actively being frugal about what you buy.
So we planned to skip the shower entirely and used the baby registries as shopping lists with a bonus completion discount at the end.
Oh, yes shower?
Then a good friend insisted on doing *something*, vehemently enough that I got the message: this was more for her than for me šĀ So I graciously agreed on three conditions, while maintaining full veto power: no games, no fuss, no pants.
The no games rule was easy.
The no fuss rule meant I didn’t want anyone feeling obligated to give us gifts or do anything too out of the ordinary so no formal invitations, nothing like that.
The no pants rule is my favorite: whatever she planned, it couldn’t require people to do anything that required putting pants on to leave the house. It really had to be simple and no fuss.
She actually came through brilliantly with ideas to virtually organize a few projects that focused on friends and family and sending well wishes, allowing people to send some limited gifts if they wanted but entirely avoiding asking people to pay to outfit our newest little life adventure.
After some discussion of baby showers over at One Frugal Girl’s, she suggested that we share a registry to those who really wanted to send us something. I did end up sharing our registry with the few people who specifically actually asked for it and I don’t regret not sharing it far and wide. We’ve still been showered with plenty of unlooked for generosity.
Unexpected gifts from friends
One dear friend of mine had the registry and went hog wild. LB will be owing her quite a few thanks, as the one thank you card from me just doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
PiC’s friends kinda creep me out sometimes. He and I were just discussing a child seat thing he was interested in getting, I had made some semi-curious noises, but we had not agreed to buy it. Two days after that conversation, a box arrived at our front step. It was that seat, in the color I would have picked! I texted him, did you already buy that seat???
What seat?
The one you showed me 2 days ago.
No….
I popped open the box to discover that one of his friends with whom he had NOT discussed this with had sent us a gift. MINDREADER.
A couple of my old friends delivered boxes of used clothes. Perfect. I don’t think LB needs all that much clothing and a couple boxes jam packed with hand me downs was just the ticket. It gives me a chance to weed out too much of any one color. To the dismay of some old school relatives who cannot fathom not putting boys in blue and girls in pink, I was adamant that LB will NOT be sporting gender role colors, the wardrobe will be evenly distributed across all colors. I loathed pink as a child and it drove me bananas when I was forced into them as a kid. LB can wear whatever colors are happy-making and hide the blood (that’s why I liked black and grey), but I refuse to let stereotypes start this early.
Another group of friends pitched in to get some accessories for LB + PiC so they could go running together.
….
So PiC can take LB running, rather.
We’d agonized so long over the car seat and stroller selection that would fit our budget and work for my needs that we still hadn’t picked or bought anything after more than 5 months of discussion. Fortuitously, as it turns out. We ran into some old friends who had just the day before transitioned to new car seats and they offered us their practically new infant car seat – amazing timing as we hadn’t seen them in a year and it didn’t even occur to us their kid was ready for an upgrade! We were grateful to take that home and PiC picked up an extra seat base for cheap on Craigslist.
Gifts we gave ourselves
Permission to relax (mentally, anyway)
Formal photo sessions. I had hesitated over this but PiC and I agreed that it could be nice to have some photos of this huge change in our lives, before LB arrives, and after. I’ve always loved Maryam’s photos (of Hi+Hello Blog) and was thrilled when we unexpectedly happened into each other again and set up a photo shoot.
Gender Bender
One of PiC’s coworkers suggested that they throw him a shower, but a friend-coworker who knew we were trying to keep things low maintenance headed it off at the pass. I don’t mind that at all, I think it was lovely of him to remember what we wanted, but I do wish he hadn’t suggested that the reason he’d veto it was because they’re “mainly for women”. I think this is an area where we would do well with being co-ed, if only to get me off the hook for attending all the time! š
LOL! The “mainly for women” cop-out allows men to escape that particular rite of passage. I think we should have equal opportunity annoyance here! š
Ohhh the games. OMG, the stupid games. Yes, I remember those. And the women from the mother-to-be’s office and her long-lost fourth cousins that you never heard of and have nothing in common with. One of the great things about getting to be older than the hills is that your friends no longer invite you to their baby showers. Maybe to their kids’ showers, but at least not to theirs.
On the other hand, in the Gift-Grab Department, given the cost of stocking up for a new arrival, it really is awfully nice when your friends give you at least some of the things you need. And it does make your friends feel good to do that.
Still…if the purpose is to help the new parents prepare for the baby, it would make more sense for the parents to be allowed to post Amazon Associates links on their website for all the things they REALLY want (not the purple rubber ducky with the bath thermometer in it), thereby not only getting the things they can use but even giving them, maybe, a little financial bonus.
Too crass, though, hm? Oh well.
Erika points out something that is totally fair – there are a lot of people who love the games. All the guests I’ve met seemed to enjoy them, as evidence to her point.
I don’t mind if friends WANT to give stuff, I just hated the blatant declaration that it was worth putting someone through all the work and trouble just so that you can get people to buy you things. *cringe*
LOL! I think they’re faking that. They’re just trying to be polite! š
It’s nice to have Amazon registration, though. Even if you don’t buy through Amazon, it gives you a clue to what the parents actually NEED, so you’re not out there getting some wacky thing or adding to the fifty pairs of size-newborn footsie ‘jamas they already have.
It is really amazing how much stuff just shows up when people find out you’re having a baby! When you’re done, you’ll realize why that is too– We’re still trying to hand down our stroller and we’re looking to hand down some toys that DC2 has grown out of. Gotta wait for the next department baby, I guess. (Actually, I think the stroller will go to DC1’s school’s garage sale this week.)
I like baby showers that are co-ed and have no games. (But do have food.)
I didn’t miss the lit-up eyes of parents past the infant stages when we announced. I could *see* them calculating which things they were going to offload!
I’m more than happy to give decent, safe, used things a second home. I’d much rather avoid the cost of buying new and the waste of just tossing things after you’re done. We’ve been given so much used stuff, it’s great.
Good for you on approaching the whole baby shower thing in a manner that works for you. It sounds great, the way everything is working out for you especially the expensive items like car seats š If I had it to do over, I would welcome all the hand me down clothing and equipment because not only is it obviously cost effective and money saving, it prevents so much other waste. As new parents, the spouse and I bought so much stuff we never really needed or (as it turns out) used so I am impressed with your common sense here LOL It was actually surprising to us in the end how little stuff we could’ve gotten away with!
As an aside, I have an extended family member who throws parties for herself at every opportunity ….. especially baby showers. The lady already has a couple of kids and is pregnant with #3 and, wouldn’t you know, ANOTHER baby shower is currently being planned. As an OCD type with high anxiety issues, I can’t tell you how much I am NOT looking forward to this event LOL It really is so awkward to keep having to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers who don’t want to talk to each other. Not to mention the fact that this lady already has a BUNCH of stuff in storage from two other young kids ….. another shower is not warranted IMO …. but then, we are dealing with the attention factor too. She can’t get enough š
Yes, we’re so grateful we got to save our money on some things (car seat, useful accessories) and spend on things that would be really useful. Are you obligated to go to this third shower?
Wow! She needs a third shower? Uhm… So…she gave all the first two kids’ stuff away to Goodwill? Sold it all on Craig’s List?? And now she wants more? That seems a bit much.
Back in the Hippy-Dippy era, we used to have mothers’ co-ops (yeah…we did have co-ops for everything…). A group of say, four to six women would hang onto the baby and toddler clothes & gear and simply shuffle the stuff around as the next one in the group got pregnant, or as their kids outgrew things that could be used by other women’s younger kids. It was very successful — babies especially grow out of clothes SO fast there’s often very little wear. And at some stages, toddlers will do the same thing — you end up with stuff that looks practically new, and it frosts your cookies not to be able to use it.
I am feeling like I’m on an island over here bc I love baby showers! I love the games! I love the whole aspect of it. I get really happy for my friends when they’re going to have a baby.
Hah that’s funny b/c I’m the only one who feels this way among my offline friends š Only here do I have any company in not loving them. I’m super happy for friends having babies but that has zero to do with how I feel about baby showers where I have to socialize with strangers. I’ll do it for dear friends and will always pretend to enjoy it so as not to mar their enjoyment. I’d just rather spend time with friends one on one or treat them to delicious food or help with the baby or stuff like that.
It’s great that you were able to receive so many hand-me-downs especially the car seats! After my baby shower I realized that people really do want to share in the joy of a new baby. In my case I found that friends and family really WANTED to buy or hand-down their gently used stuff. It is amazing how much love I felt for a child that hadn’t been born yet!
I never asked for baby showers and I got three of them. I never turned them down either not because I wanted to be showered with gifts but because it was obvious it was something people genuinely wanted to do and over the years I’ve become much more ok with the idea especially as close friends and family members have had babies.
It’s FUN to shop for babies. And it’s FUN to get baby stuff for your friends and family. And that’s why you have baby showers. The games I think are meant to get the different people to feel more comfortable together and I think if they are approached from that angle, they are really successful because people end up talking with each other even though they don’t know each other.
In our culture, having a baby really feels like a village project. Everyone wants to help, everyone wants to contribute and I think in today’s world where so much of the village is breaking down, the fact that a village mentailty still exists around babies is a good thing. Of course, people today are hyperprotective of babies and the village mentality tends to freak parents out– especially new ones. But I really enjoy that aspect of it and have really recognized the benefits as I and my children have aged.