The thing about jealousy…
February 18, 2015
Is that it’s rarely ever useful to anyone unless maybe you’re a supervillain who relies on manipulating people and jealousy is a great blinder of common sense and makes people somewhat predictable. That’s not often the case, though, is it?
Lately I’ve been treated to a litany of “I’m so jealous!” from an acquaintance about the pregnancy and then arrival of Little Bean and it’s exasperating.
LB’s pretty cute, sure, but that’s not what the acquaintance, let’s call her A, was talking about. She was talking about the fact that we made the decision to conceive and it happened. But she can’t honestly think we got pregnant to spite her, can she?
I don’t even know what to say in response that wouldn’t be rude and snarky, and for once, “cutting” isn’t what I want to go for here. (Tonya’s perfectionism post suggests an answer though: no one’s life is perfect, so this comes at its own cost …)
Mind, I’m aware I’m incredibly lucky in some respects. Fantastic husband. Some wonderfully supportive friends. A few amazing family members. Seamus is the Mary Poppins of dogs: practically perfect in every way. And now a cute baby.
This doesn’t exist in a vacuum though. I didn’t just fall into a good-luck pit and come up Milhouse. I came by this honestly and worked hard, making the most of whatever luck came about, good or bad. I take nothing for granted. It chafes to keep hearing “you’re so lucky”. Yes, there’s joy but it’s 98% work and sacrifice. It’s weird enough being lectured by every parent off the street about how wonderful parenting is, it’s even stranger to hear about the magic of having kids from someone who doesn’t have them yet because she’s ” not ready to get fat and deal with the stuff you did”. (I promise that “getting fat” was the least of my pregnancy problems!)
My husband is naturally head and shoulders above the average husband in my estimation but he also has to be. He has to pick up the slack created by my chronic diseases that strike as and when it pleases. He has to accept that much of the time I’ll function at 40% of the capacity of normal people. He has to work around my inability to ask for or accept help like a normal human sometimes and not resent my turning into a resentful prickly cactus when I’m feeling extra useless and worthless for not being able to feed myself or stand up under my own power.
My closest friends understand me, misanthropic introvertness and all, and are wonderful company but none of them are in the Bay Area. None could drop by to lend a hand when I’m bedridden, I can’t run over to give them a hug on a bad day or bring them food or keep them company when they’re lonely. At best we’re an 8 hour drive or a 5 hour flight away from each other so the usual to and fro of friendship has to be adapted to long distance.
Cute child? Yep, I think ze is adorable. But LB hardly sleeps and screams like a pair of dueling banshees. I love the kid but no one would mistake hir for a fashion accessory or this experience a walk in the park. Ze has strong opinions and well developed lungs with which to express them.
And this person is familiar with the severity of my health issues, the huge toll I pay for this otherwise enjoyable life. My professional skills and personal wealth aren’t worth much in the face of debilitating illness. You can’t buy the absence of pain, you can’t negotiate away crap health. You don’t get to cherry pick the good stuff in life and leave the bad so what’s the point of envying the one thing in isolation?
Maybe this acquaintance is just trying to (awkwardly!!) pay some sort of compliment suggesting that my life too is worthy of envy, passing over some validation to the hermit like a communal pipe around the campfire. In a odd way, that could make sense as she’s an extremely fit semi-jetsetter type who travels internationally regularly and on a whim. Her life adventures are neat, they’re things I couldn’t do anymore or maybe wouldn’t choose to do (snorkeling? never again!),. But I don’t need to covet cool things to admire them and especially don’t seek validation.
The only thing anyone has that I’d want is great health. For anything else, I could get off my duff and do something about getting some of that awesome for myself.
As I write this, Seamus is sitting on my foot soliciting attention, offering a pawshake in exchange for a real scratch. We know to ask for what we want in this family.
Bottom line: I’m happy enough with my lot in life and what I’m doing that I can be happy for others and their good fortune. That takes nothing away from anyone.
Is this a familiar phenomenon to anyone else? Do you have an envious friend or acquaintance?
“Maybe this acquaintance is just trying to (awkwardly!!) pay some sort of compliment suggesting that my life too is worthy of envy.” This. I’ve used this phrase before (though stopped pretty quickly after college) and what at least I meant it to mean was, “Your life is so awesome that, though I don’t want to necessarily be you, mass media tells me that wanting an item means it is desirable and good. And so of course you must understand that my expressing faux jealousy means that you have something desirable and good.”
Thank you for pointing out that this is more typical of a certain stage of life, and maturity! And the translation is great. 🙂
I don’t think you have to justify all the great things in your life! 🙂 Whether you are “lucky” or you “worked hard” for it. Either way, it’s what is and if it’s great like you said you are grateful and happy. You deserve that. It depends on the delivery of the comment I suppose. If it was dripping with sarcasm then she is probably jealous, but then it comes down to her problem, not yours. I have one friend who is kind of like that. We don’t hang out much because of that. I don’t need to bring myself down and nice stuff that has happened to me just to please her. 🙂
It’s quite earnest but it’s also accompanied by a lot about how she’s loving single life and not settling down etc. Not much to work with at this side of the conversation 😉
Probably for the best we spend less time with these folks.
Maybe she is modeling the behavior she wants you to adopt in relation to her life. “But I don’t need to covet cool things to admire them and especially don’t seek validation.” Well, maybe that’s what’s expecting you to do for her, like squeeing over her most recent international trip and saying how much you envy her. That doesn’t mean you have to do it, of course, but it could just be the way she operates.
Could be! I actually do compliment and ask about her travels and admire them but I never say I’m jealous because I’m not. If my open admiration is not enough, I guess we’ll both have to live with it because I refuse to be trained into bad habits!
OK, at first I was thinking that is just her weird way of complimenting all of your blessings. But then I got to “not ready to get fat and deal with the stuff you did” and uuuh, totally went for a spin.
Who knows and cares, she’ll be OK. If it becomes too much just start ignoring it. Don’t even respond. Congrats on baby Ze!
It is weird. I have been mostly ignoring it, it’s easier to keep on doing so after a bit of a vent here!,
I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and think she is awkwardly trying to compliment you about the good things you have going on in your life. After all, the opposite would be super rude, right? “Wow your new parent life is so lame compared to my exciting, jetsetting lifestyle!”
Regardless of what she says, it doesn’t change what’s actually true of your life – the good and the not so good. Congrats on LB!
Haha it would be rude but oddly enough, that would bother me less! My new parent life IS insular and boring and I am generally ok with that.
Thanks! 🙂
It is one thing to say it once (that could be a compliment, and not overly awkward if it is done right), but to bring it up repeatedly is just odd.
Vocalizing jealousy is better than the “better you than me, hahaha!”… I guess…. But really, there is no need for them to bring a comparison with themselves or their lives into the discussion. They are two different topics that need not be mingled. “So cute, so happy for you, PIC is so great!” is appropriate. Maybe the “I want a baby” conversation is best for a different friend right now, considering all you have going on.
I hope you all are getting some sleep over there 🙂
I agree! And honestly I could and would be happy to have the “I want a baby” conversation as long as my life was left out of it. But I do call her an acquaintance because we wouldn’t spend time together if it weren’t necessary professionally. We simply don’t have anything in common.
I think that this is one of those things that despite the fact it is directed at you, it actually has nothing to do with you at all. Which is strange and is difficult to consider, much less react to, but that’s just hte way people are. Weirdos. There’s no need to try and decipher what she’s saying because it doesn’t matter. And if it’s irritating enough, and it will be because you are going to be LOW on patience and understanding for the next several months, some distance might be the best thing.
Yeah I agree that may be the case. I’ll try to modify our encounters for a while 🙂 I feel better having let off the annoyance here so I don’t snap at her the next time she does it.
Without knowing enough about your acquaintance, I think Mutant Supermodel might be right. Some people often say “I’m jealous” without much thought behind it. She should not have said the word “fat” though in relation to pregnancy. Does she have a spouse? Maybe she’s trying to have kids and is having trouble? I would just give her the benefit of the doubt.
No spouse and wants to enjoy being single for a while. The “fat” thing has a lot to do with her preoccupation with being fit and looking attractive, I know it wasn’t a jab at me.
I can’t speak for this particular person and I could be entirely off base but perhaps she is struggling to conceive. From my own personal experience I can tell you that infertility is a tough road to travel. Many women feel the natural inclination to create a life within them, (it seems like one of those things that is just supposed to happen), and when it doesn’t it can be a quiet and lonely place. You only have a few days to ‘time it right’ and you spend the rest of that entire month and the months that follow playing a waiting game where you hope and pray quite a lot. Perhaps she’s been trying for awhile and feels down that you wanted a child and got what you wanted. It took over a year to conceive both of my children and I was lucky. (No IVF). I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she is facing her own hurdles. By the tone of the and in her comment I would guess she is facing conception problems of her own. I can understand why you are annoyed by her comments, (after all you just want to snuggle your little blessing), but I’d just take her words with a grain of salt.
Normally this would be my first thought but she’s been telling me for months that she wants to have a baby but does not want to deal with pregnancy nor would she until she gets married but is not ready to settle down with anyone yet either.
Oh, then that’s a totally different situation!
I have a friend who is struggling to conceive. Her reaction to those who get pregnant is anger. She told me when I announced to my small group of initial people that she was at first “very very angry” and then over the holidays in group settings continued to tell the group of mixed company that she wished she was sick like me, she wished she couldn’t drink, like Lauren, and on and on. It was incredibly awkward and frustrating.
I know she is sad. Her experience is incredibly difficult and frustrating. But my journey is not her journey. It’s hard to see others having what you so desperately want. But I don’t agree with putting those feelings on others completely not responsible for your current situation, whatever that may be. I try to be empathetic and understanding, but ultimately if her comments continue i will say something about them making me uncomfortable. Because… what the fuck. Feeling guilty that I am pregnant and you are not is not something I’m willing to lug around.
I have seen this kind of reaction and I can truly empathize with the pain but I’ve always had a hard time with people essentially acting as though your good news was spiteful or affected them in any way. Your conceiving did not cause her troubles and has nothing to do with her efforts. And besides, what does she know about your journey to conceive?
So I completely agree with your speaking up if she cannot refrain from comments like that. You don’t deserve to be a punching bag for her situation.
Have been thinking about jealousy a lot lately too. I’ve come to the conclusion, that for me, jealousy is best used as an indicator that there is something that I want that I don’t have. Once that is clear to me, I either need to go out and get it or accept that I am not willing to make the sacrifices to get it, and that it is my own dang fault I don’t have it. This was spawned by a friend asking me the other night if there was anything I was jealous of, like he is jealous of our friend’s ability to grow a nice beard. (ha!) I honestly was at a loss, until later on that night when he mentioned his (very healthy) sister and family coming into town. That is honestly the only thing I do get repeated jealous twinges about.
I haven’t noticed anyone jealous of me…? Most of my friends are quite aware of the checks and balances we all have, and are very successful in their own right. I’d say I used to be a much more jealous person until I learned to accept myself and also started to force myself to be happy for others. Now it is really easy for me to be happy for a friend. Because if a friend is happy, it can only mean good things for the world (and if I’m selfish, me!). Even if they get the thing that I wanted, now I have someone from whom I can learn HOW to get the thing I wanted. 🙂
Hey, is your skin better now? All good? How long did it take to clear up?
Great point. I’m both jealous of great health and great families, inasmuch as I’d sure love to have them and cannot do much to truly influence either.
Skin took ten weeks to clear up! It’s finally better with only the very slightest itch occasionally. Thank goodness!
Some of us [people] are just weird, rude, or clueless.
I would guess that you have a better knowledge of how she meant her remarks, since you know her and heard her. Many people just do not have an awareness of the effect of their words on others.
I have no idea what she meant, so I’ll just say I admire your decision to not snark!
People tend to forget that we do not often know what someone else’s life is really like and make assumptions and remarks that we would not make if we only knew. I always hope the people I am accidentally rude to can forgive me.
Haha, yes, people are weird. And I don’t think anything of the occasional accidental rudeness. It’s just the repeated stuff that eventually gets under my skin.
I always say that you can’t buy health. It’s the one thing you can’t save on or work hard towards. Health is health and it’s precious.
xoxoxo… Super trooper mommy. I stand by it. I no longer complain about Baby Bun even internally because you have it a thousand times worse than I ever did and ever will.
Truly, if you could buy health I’d get stock in it! The effect of having crappy health is so pervasive.
<3 thank you. I don't begrudge you any complaints though! Just because I may have it harder objectively doesn't mean I'm comparing! You are 100% entitled to feeling your frustrations as normal. I do hope you legitimately have fewer and fewer though, for your sake.