By: Revanche

Parenthood: week 1

March 11, 2015

As might be expected, the first week post-birth was a blur of sleep deprivation, oddly defined shifts of baby coverage where at least one of us would be found asleep with a happy sleeping baby snoozing away on top of us, and really strange conversations.

Bonus points if you catch all the references.

Precarious Road to Recovery

How’s your new pillow? Is it big enough? I’m not calling you fat!!
Uh. It’s fine? I think… ?

My body is broken.

Dirty diapers

Here, let me help you with that.
Jayne, this is something the Captain has to do for himself.
No, no it’s not!
No, it’s not.

[trying to fend off a screaming fit] You look SO relaxed, baby, you look SOOO relaxed.
BATGIRL!

[Me, waking from a dead sleep with baby on lap] MASSIVE POO WE HAVE A MASSIVE POO INCOMING

Crying Infants

It’s like Defcon 5. I’m not even sure if that’s how it works. The more serious Defcon.

Oh just set her down. With any luck…
Our luck? You notice anything particular about our luck these past few days? Any kind of pattern?

[frustrated] I wish I had breasts!

Oh honey, you sound like your heart is breaking. Did you pee?

Seamus, we didn’t break the baby.

Seamus, the chair isn’t ALWAYS the answer to LB’s crying.

Seamus, stop herding more responsible adults to the room to fix it. This cannot be fixed.

Nursing

You have TWO choices. Right or left. There is no other option.

Hey is the Milk Bar open yet?
The Milk Bar is open.

Child, there is no sustenance to be had from your hand. Stop eating it.

Child, Auntie isn’t lactating. You’ll get no satisfaction there.

Recordkeeping

I’m seeing a lot of poo here.
Well, you’re not wrong.

Family Integration

Mmmm… I love the smell of fresh baby in the morning.

Seamus, your sibling is fine. (Did you read the letters? READ THE LETTERS)
Seamus: *sniffs the baby’s head.*points at the rocker*
Seamus, LB doesn’t need the –
Seamus: *points at the rocker emphatically*