When imposter syndrome strikes, dig deep
February 28, 2018
“What can you accomplish in a year?” I always ask myself.
The answer feels like should be “SO MUCH.” Build a business, create a life, rescue and rehabilitate a dog. Make a difference.
This year, the answer feels like a Big Fat Nothing. It’s felt like it’s been a BFN for three years now, and I started pointing the finger at JB (unfairly) forgetting that it wasn’t just our entry to parenthood that knocked me off my rails.
The truth is I’m hungover from last year.
This post started out as my thoughts on going six rounds with imposter syndrome. But the more I wrote, the more clear it was that once again my unrest was about something much more than that.
I’m happiest when my family is happy and healthy, my performance at work is stellar, my friendships are fulfilling in both directions, our money is in order, and my home is a safe burrow within which I spend 90% of my time.
It’s a given that something will boil over in one or more of those areas at any given time. That’s life. So long as most areas are stable, I can handle any issues blowing up in a couple of areas.
Last year, though. That was the humdinger of a hipcheck, exploding three fronts all around the same time. It’s a sure bet that the scramble back onto my feet with all three caused the imbalance in the work arena. If you’re coming to this post or blog cold, those areas were …
Family: Having to define the boundaries and cut off monetary support for Dad and working through that emotional fall out was at least as serious as I expected it to be with possible repercussions with the rest of the family over the coming years. I still don’t know how this will work out but he’s not speaking to me now.
Home: We bought, renovated, and sold our homes. The process, taking care of 20 hours of work in 10 hours a day rewired my brain to operate at a fever pitch. It left a hole that I instinctively tried to fill, because relaxing doesn’t come easy, and had to consciously force myself to breathe deep and embrace the stepping down the freneticism instead of making that our new normal.
Money: Naturally the buying, and selling, and renovating all cost, as they say in Yelp parlance: $$$$$. I was able to keep a tight grip on it at all times, and by dint of serious control-freakness, and some temporary loans, we came out of that whole thing without too many dings.
I’m supremely grateful that we both have jobs with so much flexibility that we didn’t have to worry about overtly being penalized for a distracted year but at the same time, 2017 makes me feel like the total opposite of my usual professional self and that’s uncomfortable.
My normal professional self is totally awesome with an extra side of awesome-sauce. Driving forward initiatives, mentoring junior staff, setting policies, and anticipating almost everyone’s every need – I do it all. I operate in that extra 101% zone, minimizing costs and maximizing income, which is what makes me a consistent superstar in the workplace. And best of all, when I’m operating at that level, that’s not perfectionism! I shed that a long time ago. I’m a powerhouse of getting things done and that’s far better than my short-lived perfectionist streak.
The real problem with operating in an all-out mode is obvious to anyone but me. When I’m only doing exactly what is needed, instead of quite a lot extra, the feelings of inadequacy spawn.
Spawn they have, like mighty salmon, in the wake of one seriously challenging year. The distraction of dealing with Dad and his nonsense as I continue the final steps of detaching our finances didn’t help and so I’ve (correctly but unusually) put my work last in my list of life priorities. That too is a scary and weird realization. How does one maintain a high level of superstardom when they’re also not putting work ahead of all else?
There is a way and I will find it but, in this moment, I’m letting myself be honest that I don’t like being in this place, a place that feels like a self-dug rut.
I don’t like not knowing what I want next.
I don’t like not knowing that I’ve done the best job that I could.
I don’t like forgetting that I’ve got every reason to be confident in my performance.
Here’s the thing. At work, if you have a question, I’m the one to ask. But you know the reason I have all the answers at work? We have a decent internet connection, my fingers can type “Google”, and I can sit in front of 17 browser tabs, adding common sense to what I read, to create a definitive answer (TM). That’s not talent! Most anyone with some experience in figuring keywords could do that if they wanted to and they had similar resources. 90% of the job is being resourceful and the other 8% is being confident. That last 2% is being able to admit when you’ve made a mistake and fixing it. I’m good at getting all the boring stuff done. Put that way, it’s not terribly inspiring, is it? What kind of star am I?
Some of this feeling is down to a professional gap. I’ve not had a significant accomplishment in the past three years. Breaking a salary milestone was the culmination of many years of hard work so that doesn’t count. Getting a tiny surprise bonus was the same. Some of it is that weird emptiness when finally putting to bed a series of long term stressors.
That all leads to feeling like I’m no good at my job.
It’s a touch irrational but it’s also enlightening to realize that my innate definition of “important” has shifted from being a total career person to someone who is balanced across the important areas in life, while my definition of success hasn’t shifted in tandem.
It’s time to redefine success at work in a way that respects, and expects, realistic contributions in the workplace and has space for all the complexities of life that have nothing to do with work.
“Breaking a salary milestone was the culmination of many years of hard work, so that doesn’t count.”
Sorry to contradict, but yes it does.
This entire post needs cognitive restructuring! The last sentence is fine, but the rest is ridiculously downplaying your accomplishments in the previous year.
The secret is that having shaken out all the ugly yucky feelings into this post, I can see why I’m feeling that way – a lot of it misplaced priorities left over from my workaholic days that prized productivity above now. Now I can start to fix that.
It sounds like you’ve continued to operate at a high level at work in spite of all the stuff going on in the personal sphere, which in itself is a HUGE accomplishment. Really, think about all the people who flame out at their jobs when their personal life is up in the air. So, so many. It also sounds like you’re coming down from a high anxiety period and your body hasn’t readjusted to things being more controlled again. Are there ways for you to expend that anxious energy, productive or non-productive? Exercise, a personal project, something at work that’s needed to be done but nobody’s had the time?
I didn’t get into what I DID do last year at work but it’s really been the bare minimum – nowhere near my normal level of work. It’s felt that way since JB was born which is why I mistakenly blamed the advent of parenthood for it, but I realize now that I’ve misinterpreted a lot of the root causes for the feelings until I talked it out. Now I see that it’s both retraining myself not to expect to meet that high level of anxiety with productivity AND to learn to stop equating productivity with self worth / accomplishments.
Anecdotes you probably don’t need because of your own health experience, but I’m going to share them anyhow:
1) Mr. Sandwich is a marathoner and triathlete, so he’s used to being incredibly active. Several years ago, he had to have two surgeries, and the recovery process required him to be very inactive. That was really hard for him–but one of the things that really took him by surprise was how tired he was, even when he wasn’t doing anything. I pointed out that while he felt like he wasn’t doing anything, in fact his body was incredibly active on the micro level, because of all of the work it takes to heal.
2) I had pneumonia two and a half-ish years ago, and my doctor had to tell me to stop working from home, or going into the office for part of a day. She said, “You’re going to come back and tell me the antibiotic isn’t working. But it IS working. It just can’t do its full job if you aren’t resting.” What I noticed immediately was that she was right–on the days I could get a nap, I felt better. On the days I couldn’t, I didn’t.
These anecdotes are to say that you may be in that stage. You’ve had an incredibly overwhelming run of it on all fronts, and your accomplishments aren’t as visible as you’re used to them being. It is really hard to feel good about being in that stage, but it’s also really important to recognize when you are.
Give yourself some time and space to heal. That’s work, even if you can’t see the results in the moment. It’s a LOT of work. But it doesn’t get done if you don’t give yourself the time and space for it to happen. And you need it to happen.
I always appreciate the anecdotes and experiences you share, always!
And I think your insight is spot on about my emotional exhaustion. I’m slumped over trying to heal after expending so much of myself for a prolonged period of time. And normally I’m all about taking time to retrench but I couldn’t see it until I wrote all this out.
“The truth is I’m hungover from last year.” Thank you for that. I think it captures where I’m at too. Also, this is very insightful: “my innate definition of “important” has shifted from being a total career person to someone who is balanced across the important areas in life, while my definition of success hasn’t shifted in tandem.” Just yesterday, a guest speaker came to our school to present to our (many) ESL students. She had graduated from our school and its ESL program in ’97, earned a degree in engineering, and is now enjoying a very successful career. She’s also married with 2 children, and in describing her vision for the company she’d like to create, she included 6-hour days. I don’t know if that speaks to you, but your words made me make the connection between our guest speaker and you. I believe that your “important” and “success” can merge given a shift in workplace values – which will come about through the influence of women with vision.
I really do want to redefine my idea of success in a healthier way that has room for personal growth, better income, and growing my family while not burning my less than healthy self out.
My measures of success are to just be able to continue supporting myself every year. I don’t think I’ve ever set ambitious goals for myself professionally because I mainly work to pay the bills. If I didn’t have to work I could find all sorts of other interesting things to do every day.
As for productivity, I guess I see actively caring for and “feeding” those who are important to me — pets, close friends, my community — as the most productive thing I can do. I don’t worry about ruts. There will always be something that comes along to challenge me, and I actually enjoy the “low productivity” periods that most people seem to define as ruts. Occasionally I get frustrated that I’m not in the amazing fulling career that I keep hearing should be my goal, but then when I think about it I really don’t want my life to be about my work or career.
I’m guessing that your approach might be similar to what mine will change to, now that I don’t *need* a huge career to support several people. I don’t look for fulfilment from my career, precisely, but I do still want it to be “worthwhile”, as far as the time that I put into it.
I have so many thoughts, mainly they revolve around, you are so hard on yourself!
As to benchmarks: You were more productive in the first ten years of your work life, taking care of your entire family, than so many are in decades. You had a frenzied pace as a singleton and then when you shacked up with PIC, any adjustment from that feels bad to you. I sense that you are probably still doing way more than the average worker bee, as a parent and someone with health issues – I think your sense of bare minimum versus enough is calibrated too high. Average is pretty damn mediocre. That has never been you.
A biological hypothesis: What you don’t mention in here is that the reason you had to move was that you could not feel safe or be safe in your old house. That’s an awfully unsettling and disconcerting thing, especially for a self-described homebody. I think you probably had a ton of cortisol and adrenaline going through you as a result of all of that fear; your brain might need time to adjust to not being bathed in those fight or flight chemicals anymore.
Finally: Who do you think you are? , your worker bee life is the least interesting thing about you, to me. It’s certainly not the most interesting aspect of your blog or twitter life. I mean, I like commiserating about work stuff, and hearing you reflect on management and advancement challenges, but that’s so not who you are as a person. I was kind of surprised to read in this how much your work performance seems to play a role in your self-conception. I think of you as a PF nerd, a comic nerd ;), a writer, a friend-who-lives-in-the-internet, a mom, a partner, a person living with a body that is a jerk, a foodie, al of these things long before I think of you as a worker. Penny for your thoughts on that!
Your bio hypothesis is actually not a bad one – I knew for sure that I was still pumped on the stress adrenaline even after we moved and that it would take some adjusting to let that get out of my system.
LOL, I think it’s very fair to say that the person I am isn’t actually wholly focused on my work – that’s a remnant of a former life and partially due to being the part of me that is public. The private part of me is much more complex but I don’t show that to the world, so it feels like the only way someone who knows me offline (and likely doesn’t know me online) would know me is as a working person. If I take all of me into consideration, which I often fail to do, it’s a very different story.
You are being too hard on yourself. But you are not alone. I have a hard time doing almost anything “non-productive”. Relaxing is just something I don’t do easily!
It sounds like you have the same problem. But it’s ok to recognize that you’ve had some struggles and you are moving past them, successfully from the sounds of it. Hang in there! Things are bound to get better!
Thanks, it’s a long process to work through and I’m glad to have the opportunity.
[…] She’d been blogging about money and life for over 10 years! You should check out her recent post, When Impostor Syndrome Strikes, Dig Deep. She explains how her definition of “important” has shifted, while her definition of […]
These are great questions. I have been so “in it” lately, I haven’t stopped to measure success. I want to remember this post when I’m in the next rut, because one will inevitably happen. If I can take that time to reflect on the time I spent building and look at the rut as rest, then I think it won’t feel as deadening, or as if I’m treading water.
As for Imposter Syndrome, I have vowed to never feel it again. I know my strengths now, and after this political administration, and after reading about the LA Weekly purchase and the stories of men buying businesses they know nothing about, but thinking they can come in and “do it better,” and then botch things badly…well, I will not let myself feel Imposter Syndrome ever again. You have mad skills and they are applicable to a variety of situations, so that fear is adjustable.
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I’m not. Read the post.