Thoughts on family money
June 17, 2019
A twitter friend asked some questions about knowing when your parents had money and that got me thinking. How young were you when you started becoming aware of money as a child? Did you know anything about your family’s financial situation? Did you know when your parents got paid by changes in their behavior?
My answers: I was pretty young when I started writing the checks for our bills, around 8 or 9? And even then it stood out to me that I had to post-date our checks for after the due date because we wouldn’t have money until then. That seemed wrong and precarious to me, the rule-abiding child, to not have the money to pay bills when they were due. At the same time, I didn’t have the imagination or the context to figure out what that meant overall for the scope of our family finances.
I didn’t know when money would become available outside of those bill paying periods because my parents were self employed and didn’t have regular paydays. Their spending behaviors also didn’t seem to be calibrated to any particular time of the month.
From the parenting perspective: We’re the adults now!
JB doesn’t know anything about our bills because though I discuss them in the abstract while teaching philosophy about money, ze doesn’t see physical bills or see us paying them. Our spending also doesn’t really revolve around paydays because we put everything on credit cards and I sync up our income to our bills online a few times a month. Or more than a few times, depending on how neurotic I’m feeling.
I don’t want to pass on my neuroticism but I do want to pass on a healthy self awareness around and critical thinking about money, and I’m trying to find the right balance of transparency and sharing for that kind of education.
I knew a lot about our financial situation growing up, almost certainly too much. I remember one time my mother laying out how underwater we were– credit card X, credit card Y, HELOC Z– telling me she was worried we might lose our home. I also knew, more or less, when she was making money and whether it was “enough” or not (she was commission based so it fluctuated a lot over the years). I always wanted more information, to help troubleshoot or to go find a job myself to help support the family, but looking back, it was probably inappropriate for my parents to put that much information on my shoulders, especially since I couldn’t do anything about it.
I hope to be transparent about money with my children, but not so transparent that it makes them stressed their entire lives about it.
Yeah that’s a whole lot more information than a young child should have since they can’t do anything about it. I know that I have a warped view of what’s appropriate for kids to know because I grew up with a whole lot of reality and stress.
I knew we didn’t have a lot of money because my mom would tell me we couldn’t afford new things, toys, etc. Shopping for new clothes was a nightmare–she would not budge on anything but what we absolutely needed, and even then, it was a million tests and questions: lift up your arms, is it comfortable, where are your toes in those shoes, will you wear them, what does this shirt go with that you have already, on and on and on.
Once we were shopping and I mentioned that other kids had something (new outfits all the time), and it was understood that we couldn’t have the same things.
that said, I also knew we had more money than my friends, esp when I was a little bit older (before my dad got sick). We were always the family that took other kids on vacation with us, to the theme park, hosted the sleepovers, roller skate parties, bowling, day trips to the mountains or historic places, or other activities. the friends that came with us definitely didn’t get to go to the beach or do the activities we did (usually it was just one friend alternating once in a while, definitely not every time. it was either my sister’s friend, or one of mine, it was never a big deal because we were only 2.5 years apart in age).
I am so not looking forward to having to start shopping for clothes, whenever that happens. I hated it when it was my turn to stop living in hand me downs!
Do you feel like that balance (not spending on toys etc BUT geting to do the bigger stuff) was good for you?
I’ve been thinking about these questions a lot because I had a fair bit of awareness about my parents’ money situation as I got older, and also got a solid grounding in many of the important basics of money management from that, but there were also some pretty big gaps in my financial education. I didn’t really become aware of my parents’ financial situation until I was older, at least ten, probably closer to 11 or 12. I may have asked a question or two here and there much earlier than that, about things like how a credit card worked, or how much my dad made (my mom wasn’t working then), but if I did, I only ever got extremely vague, age-appropriate answers that didn’t stick. Well before age 10 or 11, I did have a strong sense of how unstable the tech industry was for most of my friends’ immigrant parents, always a lot of talk about layoffs and things like that, so there was a culture of being nervous about potential financial instability and needing to be prepared and cautious in our community.
Around when I was 11 or 12, my parents divorced and may have exposed me to a little too much detail about the resulting finances (well before I was 18, I was aware of the major financial components of their divorce settlement, and that’s way too much information at that age), and in a slightly haphazard way, so I was sometimes more worried than I needed to be. Money was tight for my mom, who had primary custody, and I knew that, and there were a lot of times after I was 11 when my dad’s job was less stable, which affected his ability to make alimony or child support parents. In hindsight, both parents did the best they could and there was never anything I needed to truly worry about, even if we had significantly less room in our budget than most of my peers’ families, but that wasn’t always clear to me. Like YAPFB, I hope to be transparent about money with my children, but not so transparent that it makes them stressed, and will be doing things differently from my parents.
This is really interesting! I wonder when it’s appropriate to start sharing more details than just instructional information with the kids, especially if you don’t want them to take money for granted.
I was aware of money from a very early age, but not family money. From around the age of 6, I was an intense saver, and I only spent on gifts for family on holidays. Any money that came my way via birthday card or found on the street, I was saving for college.
From a family money standpoint, pre-divorce, there were a lot of things that had a message of “we don’t do that,” but they never communicated the reasons–it was never clearly financial vs. statement of values vs. something else. We didn’t go away on vacations, we didn’t buy Oreos. We didn’t have pets. We mostly wore hand-me-downs. The house was kept pretty cold in the winter and we only had fans–use regulated by adults to save electricity–in the summer. The list goes on, but you get the gist. But we also got birthday/Christmas gifts, had good meals and some optional activities, and I never felt like there was an extra strain tied to bills or income. My own perception is that we were financially okay, just generally careful and responsible. But I don’t really know, even now.
After my parents’ divorce was a different story: my father skipped on child support and while my mother went back to work, it wasn’t enough. She told me a lot more about her financial issues than she should have. It resulted in me feeling like my existence was a burden and that the family would have been better off without me. I minimized my needs and shut down on even letting myself want things, to a degree that I’m still working on fixing as an adult. It was too much. I think that Yet Another PF Blog’s point about not being overly transparent is really, really important.
I think as my child grows up, financial teaching is going to be based mainly on games and stories, with a side of modeling decision-making. Our financial situation is pretty good (and hopefully will stay that way), but I still don’t want to bring her into the fuller picture until she’s out of the house and we’re prepping her for elder care decisions.
Oh gosh some of that sounds familiar.
May we both be able to strike a good balance between teaching skills and being transparent enough for them to learn but not be stressed.
My money learnings weren’t through active education, but just by observation and first-hand experience. I saw my mom’s paychecks on the counter and saw my parents going to the grocery store to pay bills. My mom also had me go to the bank to cash her paychecks. Always deposited some money into the bank from the paycheck. Always! I also saw my mom’s bank books, and could see how much money she had. And how much money she put into our bank accounts, too. Basically, I knew everything about my parents’ finances. I think it taught me the real value of money. How it could be a tool. I hated asking for money for toys or field trips, or anything unnecessary. I saw my parents could afford things if they really wanted to, but chose not to, because there was a higher purpose. It also helps that we never really endured any major issues, like health problems, divorce, etc. Our lives were incredibly simple: spend money on food, rent, and that’s it!
This is the only time I wish we were less digital with money – so as to model this for JB.
I don’t remember knowing much about it, as a kid. I don’t remember hearing about bills or payday. Sometimes we’d get budgets for back-to-school clothes, but even then, we were much older at that point. I think there was checkbook balancing and such that went on, but it wasn’t a big deal.
Then in late high school, my parents had some really big financial issues due to my dad trying his own business. At that point, I knew something about it, but I don’t know if it was forthright conversations or just generally picking up on things.
Despite my early years being money-oblivious, I still am pretty neurotic about my own money and a saver. I think some of that is just personality traits. Even as a small child, I’d hoard my candy or allowance money, even though there was no real reason to.
I want to raise my kid with more awareness of money, but without her being concerned.
I know for sure that I was a saver long before I knew we had money trouble, so I do believe that a lot of this money stuff is personality driven. I hope we can figure out how to do that education for our kiddos.
My parents’ finances were pretty steady so I don’t think I get knew when their paychecks came. I knew bills got paid and that you paid them before the due date. Odd, really, how sheltered I grew up from all that now that I look back and hear other people’s ecoeriences too
It’s such an interesting array of experiences, here!
“JB doesn’t know anything about our bills because though I discuss them in the abstract while teaching philosophy about money, ze doesn’t see physical bills or see us paying them.”
We plan on following a similar plan with Baby AF, at least for a while. I want him to understand money but kind of at a high level: I’m not sure I want to involve him in the monthly budget meetings when he’s a little kid.
But maybe that’s a good idea?
I wish I could draw on my childhood for some examples of good and bad money talks. But we didn’t have any…
Yeah we don’t even HAVE budget meetings but I sort of want zir to be part of them if we have them at a high level to discuss how we set our priorities.
Honestly we never had TALKS about money either, and I don’t think that was good.
I learned about my parent’s money or lack thereof at times from a very young age. I had no idea when they were paid, but a number of experiences led me to believe they didn’t always have the money for the things I wanted. The first time I realized this I wanted to play the piano, but my parents couldn’t afford one I could practice on. Later I wanted to play the violin but they encouraged me to play my brother’s rusty old trumpet. I’m no worse for wear because of these things, but they did leave a lasting impression. Not because I didn’t get what I wanted, but more so because I could tell they felt bad they couldn’t give me everything my heart desired.
We had a piano we couldn’t afford and that was probably not a worthwhile investment / sacrifice on my parents’ part. Especially since I then wanted to pick up the violin when I wasn’t even that good at the piano.
There is always going to be something that we can’t afford, not just that we’re choosing not to spend on but literally cannot afford, and I think it’s good for everyone to learn that those limits exist.
My parents have always been very upfront with us about money. Growing up, they were clear to say “we aren’t spending money there” not “we can’t afford it.” Looking back , I’m really glad that they were so mindful about the words they used because it instilled a sense in me of choosing not to spend rather than feeling constrained by “can’t.”
We try to use that language too but I need to be better at it!
I love hearing about how other people grew up with money! What an interesting tweet. I am sorry for the anxiety that so many people grew up with. You included, friend.
I got mixed messages about money from my parents all the time. My mom worked a steady job and my dad owned his own shop. I knew there were lean times, and I actually remember my mom trying to brace me a few different times for my dad having to close the shop down. It never came to that. Also, I don’t think I ever would have known because my dad always has such a poker face when it comes to finances.
People have shared so many interesting stories!
Was the mixed messaging confusing at all for you?