By: Revanche

My kid and notes from Year 4.4

July 22, 2019

Prognostications

There’s this thing my family does. When a new baby is just big enough to sit up and grab things, there’s an age ceremony where they’re all dressed up and given a tray of symbolic things to choose from: a comb, a mirror, a wrapped chunk of mung bean dessert, a pen, several other things. Whatever they grab and hold onto predicts their future interests and life path.

Obviously this is a bunch of hooey but it’s a fun little tradition. We didn’t do it for JB because at 3 months or whatever the appropriate time was, I was too exhausted to even think about it.

But the sociocultural obsession with your future life path is one that dogs our steps every step of the way. A kid with an interest in writing Must Be Destined to be a writer, if someone enjoys art they Must Be Destined to be an artist or no! An architect! And so on. There’s no ability to just enjoy the kid enjoying something for the sake of doing the thing. I remembered being exasperated by the constant predictions and the need for every spark of interest to become something productive. It bothered me endlessly and yet somehow I eventually became a person obsessed with efficiency and productivity. I don’t understand paying money to have fun, I think hobbies should be things that can be monetized (for myself).

As an intentional parent, I see that urge replicated in myself and I challenge myself to shut that voice up and just wait to see what kind of person JB can be, free of the endless predictions and expectations.

Fournager?

JB is testing the very ragged edge of my patience this month. Open defiance, mimicry, contradicting every single word I say – ze thinks it’s all funny and acceptable and on the days when my pain is high, I just don’t have it in me to redirect.

If you’ve seen One Day at a Time, those arguments that Penelope hears? Those are our exchanges.

I keep reminding myself that the reason I was too afraid to do any such things with my parents was because I knew my mom would spank me into next week. And I had resolved that ruling by fear and corporal punishment was not going to be our way. But I cannot lie and say that I don’t have moments of gripping the sink edge and breathing deeply with my eyes shut so I don’t lose my ever-loving mind. I most definitely do.

Always yes, always no

My pain has been particularly high this month and I reminded myself: be patient, be patient, be patient, listen to the child even when you’re irritated. I have to draw very firm lines on things that will irritate me out of proportion – no whining allowed. And no matter how irritable I am, any time there’s a request for a hug, always say yes. It helps.

Resetting myself as a parent

I don’t often ask for parenting advice – parenting is so individual to the parent and kid that often advice is either not applicable or too generic.

There are a few exceptions though, and I recently had to ask for a rare phone call with a dear friend. She’s been through it before. Usually parents who are entirely done with the hands on part of parenting have forgotten all the salient details. She hasn’t, and I greatly value her ability to reflect honestly on what she did right and what she thinks she did wrong.

That ability helps me because she and I think a LOT alike. Her questions now, with all the benefits of hindsight, help me to step back from the emotional moment to moment of parenting and ask myself more useful questions than “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS”. I mean, that is useful, to some degree, if I am willing to answer honestly, but she helps me deconstruct what JB might be thinking when ze acts out and what ze might be feeling that drives zir emotions.

Precious Moments

Mangled lyrics, by JB
“Frosty the snowman, he had a jolly olly snow / Jolly the snowman, he had a jolly olly snow”
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, those are the months of the year!”
“Batmobile, lost it’s wheel, and Joker did ballet!”

JB logic and distributing toys
Mommy, pick one: train, train, helicopter! Daddy, pick one: train, helicopter! Akshully, you can have two trains, Mommy. Daddy, is it ok for me to give Mommy two trains? Mommy, I will put this in your pocket. Ackshully, you can have all of them because you got married and you had a beautiful dress. I will ask Daddy if that’s ok. Daddy, can Mommy have all the toys because she got married and had a beautiful dress?
PiC: Uh, sure….

The new obsession
JB: Did I have a bunk bed when I was a baby?
PiC: No, we were worried you would fall off.
JB: I would NOT! For real. You should have gotten a bunk bed and you would be on top and I would be on bottom.

Good idea! Oh, wait…
I was so tired the other day that I told JB I didn’t want to cook, though I had promised we would cook together. Ze piped up, that’s ok, maybe me and Daddy can cook for you!
Me: Oh, that’s so kind of you. I would like that.
JB: And you can work!
Me: Oh. I don’t really want to do that either but …. I … should work….

All tattoos are temporary. Aren’t they? DO NOT TELL
JB: Daddy, I like your tattoo. How come it is not washed off?
PiC and I look at each other: Ummm… hey is that a spider over there?

Gratitude
PiC jokingly: Give mommy a hug and kiss for creating you.
JB: Mommy! Thank you for making me when I was a baby.

Perspective
JB, contemplatively: Dinosaurs have died already.
Me, thinking of chickens but not saying so because PiC doesn’t want me to freak zir out: Ye-eess …. dinosaurs have, but some of their DNA is still around today in other animals.
JB: LIKE BIRDS.
Me: Right! (I’m not guilty, I didn’t tell zir that)
JB: Did people kill the dinosaurs?
Me: No honey, the dinosaurs were dead a long time before people were around.
JB: Oh, like when I was a baby?
Me: Mmm no … before then.
JB *puzzled – what was time before ze was a baby?? No such thing.*

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