My kid and notes from Year 4.10
January 27, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020? Current total: $443.24 for both initiatives.
Pronouns
For years, autocorrect has been the bane of my writing about JB. It constantly turns “zir” and “ze” into “she” or “her”. It finally dawned on me that I use the singular “they” all the time in conversation, why not here? DUH. JB is now they, for blogging purposes.
Pop culture exposure
I found out recently that the daycare doesn’t allow their staff to read or share Disney stuff.
I noticed something like that in the past but I mainly thought it was a more of a ban on superhero stuff so that the kids wouldn’t act out hero/villain dramatic play. (They do anyway, of course.) And I’m positive I’ve seen the staff taking small breaks and letting the kids watch Disney music videos or clips every so often.
Anyway, I think it’s good to have ONE space in their lives that isn’t overrun by Disney marketing. It’s not like it’s a totally Disney-free zone, the kids are allowed to bring their own clothes and toys and books that are Disney, and they do. It’s just that the teachers have to bring in all other learning tools and toys that aren’t Disney, so there’s a better balance.
We’re also making an effort to expose JB to other art and shows and intellectual properties. Some are nostalgic, the new She-Ra and My Little Ponies because I have fond memories of them and the new versions are pretty fun. Some feel more cultural, Studio Ghibli’s My Neighbor Totoro and Ponyo were lovely gentle good for kids movies and I’m discovering SG movies I haven’t yet enjoyed. I’ve always meant to watch Kiki’s Delivery Service, and now I will share that with JB. (Note: turns out it was too early, they weren’t ready.)
Cousins
The best and worst parts of the holidays are spending time with cousins. JB LOVES playing with cousins so so much but at least one of those cousins has parents who allow some unbelievable behavior and we can’t stand it. A few highlights that went without admonishment: screaming at their grandparent when asked to pick up stuff thrown on the ground, shoving an infant cousin to the ground in front of witnesses and lying about it, being deliberately cruel to cousins who were enjoying something they didn’t like or were jealous of.
Their go to reaction is having a screaming tantrum every single time they were asked to do ANYTHING. Literally, any request would trigger a tantrum. I tell JB to clear the table for dinner and set the table: “sure”. You tell that kid to move their toys off the table – half an hour of screaming, stomping, tears and more screaming. And you know what? It works for them. The parents and grandparents clean up for the hellion instead of making them pull their weight, dismiss the outbursts as “sensitivity”, call their allowance of the tantrums “empowering them to use their words”.
Nossir, that kid needs to use a whole lot less voice.
We have no expectations of kids to be mini adults. We do have high expectations for OUR small human, but in general we know they’re small humans learning to be civilized. But how in tarnation are they going to learn to be civilized when every single thing they do that’s utterly unacceptable is permitted without curbs?
I believe in parenting with kindness and absolutely with firmness and boundaries. Being around that kid and those parents makes me tense and angry and exasperated because I KNOW it’s going to rub off on JB and that makes me want to wring necks.
Every holiday season before this has been a torment. JB would soak up the misbehaviours and being them home. I’d then spend 3 angry weeks de-programming them. This year, it didn’t take quite as long because we’ve made it very clear that mimicking Cousin’s bad behaviors and choices will bring them to grief quite quickly. The cousin might get away with it but that’s not something to copy.
Balancing acts
PiC and I have been working hard at giving me time on Saturday mornings (they go to run errands together) and him time on Sundays (when he goes to work out). Mostly that’s enough for me, but I can tell that PiC needs more. I think it’s because he handles most of the daycare pickup and dropoffs. I’m not sure how to create more hours in the day, though!
Precious Moments
Oh that’s evil
JB: BAD people tell lies.
Me: Yes.
JB: Bad people are the people who say they’ll give something back and THEY DON’T.
Me, remembering my precious copy of Good Omens I loaned a friend in high school and never got back: TRUTH
Windows to your soul, they say
JB: Jafar is a bad guy. He pretended to be someone else!
Me: He had a disguise right? To trick people?
JB: yeah, he was tricking! I would not ever give anything to a person who was in a disguise!
Me: How would you know they were someone else? What would help you figure that out?
JB: Their eyes! Their eyes would be disguised!
Was it THAT urgent?
JB, bellowing: MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!
Me, slightly panicked: Yes?!?
JB: I LOVE YOU.
I really need them to moderate their urgency for general announcements like this.
Oh, I can totally relate to how different parenting styles can make for uncomfortable situations, especially within a family.
We’re still figuring our style out but agree that we have to be mindful of what we’re teaching from a behavior standpoint. If it works, reliably, we’re outright telling children: “This is the behavior that will get you what you want.”
Styles I can respect. Zero boundaries at all, I cannot hang with.
And I do the same thing! Whenever JB does something the right way (when it comes to being not an obnoxious brat = right), I tell them: did you notice how you got what you wanted there? Let’s do more of that!
When my boys were young, I used to say that I wanted them to enjoy their childhoods, BUT I wanted everyone else to enjoy them too.
Having 4 boys meant that the kids had to be well-behaved. If they were a nightmare we’d never be invited back anywhere!
TRUTH.
I sometimes say to people that I don’t need everyone to have the same boundaries we do, but also that I really don’t like being around children who don’t have boundaries at all. Because they are sociopathic little monsters, usually!
YES. Precisely this. Have SOME boundaries!