My kids and notes: Year 9.4
June 25, 2024
Life with JB
So this is a little awkward. I’m quite friendly with an elderly neighbor whose grandkids go to JB’s school. Unfortunately, though JB tries to be kind and include the same-age kid in their class, they don’t like playing with this Neighbor Kid because that kid is very sensitive, cries a lot at school, and subsequently (probably related to the sensitivity and JB’s proximity?) apparently blames JB for their hurt feelings that JB feels is unfair and inaccurate. JB is just a kid of course and can be oblivious or accidentally hurtful but they are very quick to own up to their mistakes, apologize, and try to offer to make things better. Obviously without any observation of the circumstances, I can’t really tell what’s really going on, but I do know JB’s character well enough to know that even when they mess up, they’ll likely cop to it without pressure. So it’s likely that JB is attempting to be kind but in ways that don’t work for Neighbor Kid. I think it’s unlikely that JB is deliberately hurting their feelings.
For example, JB just spontaneously told me about a really shitty thing that they were involved in peripherally with another friend group where the Older kid was threatening to destroy Youngest’s toy to force them to help with a project. JB thought it was a really shitty thing to do and so was laughing because OBVIOUSLY Older kid must be bluffing. Right?? Wrong. Older kid followed through with the destruction, and JB was horrified. They immediately apologized to Youngest kid, tried to fix it, and felt terrible. I had no idea that any of this had transpired but they confided that they didn’t know how to stick up for Younger kid in that scenario because they didn’t realize until too late how that would play out.
What I DO know from Neighbor Kid’s grandma and mom is that the kid has suffered from severe depression, has sensory issues that probably makes life feel really difficult, and is socially withdrawn. I tell JB that they aren’t responsible for Neighbor Kid’s feelings, nor do they have to accept false accusations or the treatment they don’t like, but we are aware that there are things that make Neighbor Kid’s life difficult enough that it warrants having some compassion for their situation, at least.
Anyway this all comes up because the caregivers asked me if JB is available for playing with or talking to Neighbor Kid over the summer. I don’t want to force JB into anything they won’t enjoy and I also feel for this kid. I was pretty bad at social interactions growing up and can empathize with the kids who doesn’t really have friends. And we are so lucky that JB has many friends, is well loved by a variety of people, and has confidence in knowing they are which helps when they are still struggling with some of the mean kids at school. I think my impulse here is similar to my financial stance: If you’re fortunate (socially or financially), you should share your good fortune. But they’re just kids, and so I’m not sure if that applies in this case, especially given the circumstances where they don’t have an easy relationship with Neighbor Kid. Thoughts? Opinions?
Life with Smol Acrobat
A mom friend has solved the mystery of how the kids’ shoes look like they’re ground down by a dremel some days: the kids are using the tops or sides of their shoes to brake instead of their bike or scooter brakes!
Smol’s potty training clicked very late and very suddenly, just as my dear departed friend assured me it would. The complication, a common one, is their initial refusal to poop anymore. For weeks they would go five, even six days, between poops and that’s not good. They would just shrug and disclaim any familiarity with that bodily function. Nope. Don’t need to. I finally found a bribe that mattered enough to them to be worth trying, just trying, and eventually that got us into the every 2-3 day cycle we’re in now. We’re also reminding them to listen to their body, like when they’re eating etc: have you had enough? Are you still hungry? Are you thirsty? Tired? And so on. One night after some resistance, they sat on the toilet and rambled on their own version of Everyone poops:
“I hear my body, I hear my body saying hey I need to poop! Daddy poops. Mommy poops. Weee poops. Sewa poops. I poop! Everybody doos it. Everyone poops.”
Pupdate
Sigh. We miss Sera. The pain is a dull ache now, and I think I will finally be able to do her laundry in the next month or two, but we sure do miss her.
I was thinking about how she was a pretty quiet dog, overall. She would bark at visitors but otherwise, she was generally not very vocal.
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat was rummaging through the dog treats while I was searching for something else and says: I want to give doggy a treat.
…. We’d…have to find a doggy….
But we have a doggy.
Um. Well, no, we don’t anymore.
Why?
She got too sick, she couldn’t get better.
Why?
Oh kiddo ….. We’ll come back to this.
(It’s now been more than a month and I think they’re processing that Sera’s not coming back)
Plans: Mommy, after I sleep and then I wake up and then I brush my teeth and then I eat something first, can I pick a sticker for my friends and me?
Gesundheit!
Gahzootateit!
It may be that a small number of adult supervised playdates with neighbor kid would be a potential compromise.
All our playdates are still adult supervised, usually with both sides, so that was a given, but they were still very hesitant with that being a baked in part of the equation.
Does it feel like pressure to ask them to give it just one try?
That’s a hard one. Captain Awkward would definitely say not to force your kid to be in this situation.
If you do decide to try it, maybe something where they can be in parallel instead of having to interact? Like seeing Inside Out 2 etc.?
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…Limiting Safari on my Iphone during work hours
Yeah really supervised and parallel stuff might be a good way to do this if they’re comfortable with it. I won’t make them, I will only make the suggestion and see if they’re open to it. If not, then that’s fine.
We had a very similar situation with a neighbor kid years ago and I told my then six year old that he was not allowed to say “I don’t want to play with you” because that would hurt the neighbor’s feelings but he could absolutely say “I’d like to play alone right now.”
I don’t think it’s fair to kids (or adults!) to make them responsible for managing other people’s feelings. They need to be kind, but they can say no politely. Boundaries are good!
Jenny F Scientist recently posted…Misc Five Minute Updates
I feel bad that it’s frequently been frustrating for them at school because those are largely unsupervised and they’re often thrown together with kids who are mean so there’s blowback from that, too. It gets complicated.
I feel bad for the isolated kid, I just don’t know much more “be kind” we should practice when it’s something like this.
P.S. in a similar situation with Kid 2, mandatory daily prunes helped. Kid 2 likes prunes so it’s an easy sell. We keep a jar on the table and every morning he eats 2. Really helps him listen to his body better!
Ooh, we might try this! Thanks for sharing!
I don’t have kids and don’t remember childhood so these thoughts are not informed by child-knowledge! I liked Nicole & Maggie’s suggestion to find parallel activities that could be done jointly. I’d thought of going to get ice cream, but seeing a movie is another great idea. Do the kid’s sensory issues come with any benefit – like they love slime or whatever it is? If JB likes that too maybe they could have a slime playing session.
Keeping it time-boxed, not that frequent, and with something JB truly likes seems only fair, if you’re going to ask them to do this.
I don’t know if there is any sensory thing they love, that’s definitely one thing I can ask about.
And yeah, all of those requirements sound like musts to me, IF they were to agree to but I won’t make them. I prefer this to be their choice.