Thinking about (receiving) help
August 28, 2024
At a get together earlier this year, I commented that I was so impressed with our acquaintances’ willingness to uproot and move to try new things, even with kids. (I don’t want to leave my nice little hobbit hole for anything unless I absolutely must. Once kids and dogs are in the picture, things get infinitely more complicated.) Their mom grinned and leaned in close: that’s because what they didn’t tell you was we had to come and pick up the kids and drive them separately for the week they were moving.
That has stuck with me. I never account for the “invisible” (to outsiders) help because it is still something that never occurs to me. It’s a normal thing to have where people are close (physically and emotionally) to family or are well off enough to afford to pay for help. How many times have Nicole and Maggie reminded me that the daycare parents creating elaborate gift bags and throwing over the top parties quite likely have both? (many many)
I think about our younger friends who now have three kids and still travel and coach sports teams: how do they manage, I wonder. Oh, right, they have two parents next door who are always willing and able to take the kids. Or our neighbors who live with their parents and their brood have activities scheduled every day of the week. Even when I know they have help, it’s still not a thing I can wrap my brain around.
We discussed this in therapy recently. It struck me the other day that perhaps the reason my gut says I don’t have people or that I won’t ask for help for myself even in the worst circumstances, like when I was choking, is that it’s been so ingrained in me that I’m on my own. For half my childhood, I was a latchkey kid. I walked everywhere. If it wasn’t walkable, I didn’t go. That could just be learning regular independence, I don’t know. For 20+ years from 17 on, I was laboring under the heaviest burdens and didn’t think anyone in the family knew. But in the recent years after the estrangement, I learned that quite a few extended family members knew and they were on my side. Learning that they felt I was right was healing. But over time it’s been sinking in that for two decades and more, I was breaking myself, alone and ignored, to support my family while my dad was lying and stealing from me. That whole time, many of my family were aware and not one of them said a word to me. They spoke up for me to him if they could but not a word to me. I understand why intellectually, cultural constraints and maybe not knowing what to say etc, but I didn’t understand until last week how much that silence hurt. How much it has only reinforced my refusal to ask for help. Because if they knew how hard I worked and some of how much it hurt, my fibromyalgia was undiagnosed most of that time, and couldn’t be bothered to even say anything to me, well. I was definitely on my own. That’s entirely aside from the questions of self worth and having to prove myself which also complicates things. Or maybe it’s actually the same coin. I had no self worth because none of my extraordinary efforts were even distantly acknowledged by the adults I trusted in my life, aside from my mom whose health was so destroyed that she couldn’t do anything but feel terrible for me.
I’ll ask for help for my family. I’ll ask friends to care for the dogs or trusted loved ones to care for the kids. But for me? Nope.
I realize intellectually that I do have people now but my feral child-self snarls that I’m on my own and do not trust anyone to show up for me because they won’t. And even if they’re around now, they’ll all abandon me in the end. Case in point, the two very long time friends dropped me like a hot potato in the past 2 years. The first one, I don’t know why. The second one, I guess I don’t know why there either.
We talked for a long time about how this survival mechanism was set in stone over the course of my lifetime and I can’t expect to undo it in just a few years. I know part of me is afraid that undoing it is a terrible idea, that operating alone is the only way to be sure that you’re not let down. Part of me said, huh, you know this is the far less dramatic version of the Kate Daniels character arc: from “you have to be strong and alone” to learning to build connections and community and a family and trusting friends to have your back. When I’m reading, I know that’s the right thing to do, to progress, but IRL that hurt feral inner child is still snarling with fear and self protectiveness. I don’t really know how to tell it that it will be ok because I’m not sure it would be. Mostly this is an emotional fear but logically, who would be willing and able to help me if I needed it, aside from PiC? I can’t really name anyone. Everyone has their own lives and their own challenges and no one would or could drop those things to come help me out. Of course I also can’t think of any examples of anything less than catastrophe where I’d feel willing to ask either. Anything less than that is asking for too much.
My therapist reminded me: what would I say to JB? I know what I’m supposed to say but the words stick in my throat. It feels like a lie to say that we’ll always be here. We might not be. We set up concentric circles of safety nets around them, socially and legally, in case we die when they’re young but I look at this world and think, it’s not enough. I can’t be sure they’re going to be ok. I know that our people will show up for them in small ways, they do now, but things change. And what’s true for them isn’t as true for me.
Anyway. I’m picking at this like it’s a half healed scab. I’m not sure what the therapy equivalent of rebreaking the bones to let it heal properly is for this sort of fear but I’m still trying to find a way to be able to believe that trust is possible and not foolish.
*hug* to young Revanche
I also don’t tend to ask for help– if I can pay someone for services that is what I do instead. In the past when we didn’t have money to pay (and nobody else around us did either), I kept a mental tally of favors… basically I could ask if I had done the other person a favor, or if I had to ask someone who I hadn’t done a favor for already I would make sure to do something in exchange ASAP, “I owe you!” (You learn a lot about who your friends are if you’ve done them multiple favors and they don’t help you the one time you need it, especially if they cancel at the last minute and lie about it. #collegeme)
One exception is that when DH and I both need to go out of town, we will fly my MIL in to take care of the kid(s). We are very grateful she’s willing and able to come because we don’t have a regular sitter or anything like that.
THIS. YES. This is all so familiar. This is why I fear relationships where I can’t see what clear value I have to offer the other person – relationships are transactional, that I can understand. The only way I could be “sure” to not be dropped is if I’ve done so many favors that they owe me a mountain, which might be worth one someday if I’m ever willing to ask for it.
When I can’t offer something tangible, I get nervous and insecure. How else would I make it worth their while to put up with me? My therapist insists that I as a person am worth spending time with and I simply cannot believe her because I PAY HER TO SPEND TIME WITH ME. I don’t know if that’s me using logic to be stubborn. I’m trying not to be obstructive. It’s just that it feels false.
It’s not great.
I’m glad you have one exception at least. Is this a thing that you’d want to change at all or are your life circumstances such that it’s not worth making a change?
That’s a really hard question. Honestly, having a lot of money to throw at things just makes everything easier so I don’t have to think about it. And also my colleagues tend to hire out rather than ask favors as well, because they have enough money for that.
I do not have very many friends IRL, but I think a lot of that is because of all the times neighborhood people and parents turned out to have really incompatible religion and politics. When we’ve been in a blue state it’s been much safer to make new acquaintances and we had old friends nearby, and we did accept favors (as new people in town) and did small favors, mostly kid related (like hosting playdates so the parents could do other stuff).
That aside, I DO think people are willing to spend time with me without me doing anything for them, and I’ve definitely stopped helping people so much since having kids. I just do NOT have time to get involved in other people’s lives like I used to. And I’ve dropped friends who were drama creators (one of them, irritatingly, has moved to our town to be with her lover after cheating on her husband who was our original friend, and their special needs kid is a year older than ours and in some of the same after school activities and it’s so awful, like why? Couldn’t you have cheated with someone in the city you were living in? or anywhere but here? We met you 20 years ago and half a continent away!). (You, Revanche, are not a drama creator.) Plus, a lot of the “help” I was doing was probably unnecessary or overkill. I’m way less pushy since having kids.
Since having kids, I’ve really come to appreciate having no-drama friends who don’t NEED me. They spend time with me because they want to, not because I can solve their problems. I’m not necessary to their lives and we can talk about mundane stuff. They don’t create drama. They do have problems, but they’re not self-created, things like breast-cancer or parents aging and getting dementia etc. or less dramatic kid stuff. I can listen without fixing (or share what has worked for us as with kids stuff). I don’t have a ton of close friends, but I dunno, it’s a nice change.
A lot of the past 10 years has been me letting go– I don’t have to fix everyone. I don’t have to save everyone. I should let adults make their own decisions even if I don’t agree with them. I can listen instead of fix, and most people will be happier that way. My mother is an adult, and even if she’s a victim, staying with my father is her choice to make. There’s nothing I can do, and what’s more, there’s nothing I should do.
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…RBOC
Building trust in a community network takes practice, so maybe it could be more like exposure therapy? A tiny ask here, an itty bitty request there. I suspect you are far more loved and appreciated than you realize – heck I’d be happy to babysit for you and I’m just a random stranger reading your blog!
How does one know if their requests are actually ok in this sort of situation? I try to take people at their word but it wars with my doubts that people really mean it when they say they don’t mind or that they’re happy to. It’s only when they tell me that it benefits them too that I’m convinced.
And you’re a Longtime Reader, that’s much less a stranger than most people who know me offline! 🙂
Community networks have different cultural expectations, but my rule of thumb is that a first-time favor is usually capped at 5 minutes/5 dollars. Like if I was hanging out at a church picnic, I might ask one of the other moms to watch my toddler for a few minutes so I could take the preschooler to the bathroom. That mom has managed to keep their own kid alive so it’s probably safe, they’re already present & on kid-watching duty so I’m not asking them to do anything different, and it’s only for a few minutes so it’s really not that much to ask. And if they say yes, it means that later they’ll be more likely to trust me to do a similar mini-favor for them, and the relationship will grow! If they say no, it’s probably just logistical; (eg they were about to leave, their baby needs a diaper change, etc) so I don’t take it personally… but I will probably wait a while before trying another ask.
Or if someone is meeting us for dinner and mentions stopping at the store for the *food* they’re bringing, I might ask if they could pick up a jug of milk while they’re at it because it’ll save me a trip (& mention that I have the cash to reimburse them for it). Most likely they’ll bring the milk (and tell me to forget about the cash.) And if they said they didn’t have time, or agreed but then forgot, I reassure myself it wasn’t personal; I know myself how easy it is to get flurried or run late, so I give them the same forgiveness I know I need at times.
Nurturing a community network like this is an exercise in anxiety because yeah people let me down sometimes, or don’t do it exactly the way I’d like. But it also creates security because I know that if/when I NEED help, I can feel both comfortable asking for it and confident that the people I trust will come through for me – because they have before.
I really like this system, it feels like something I can understand and attempt to translate into our life! Thank you for sharing!
(Blogs create such interesting and unique relationships, don’t they? Whispering our secrets into the void, hearing them reflected back from others. Watching each other’s kids grow without ever actually seeing them. Digital friendship is such a nebulously defined yet real thing. And this Longtime Reader is very grateful for the steadfast work the Longtime Writer puts in to make it all possible! 😊)
It is so interesting to have I guess the modern day version of pen pals in a way, but more publicly. I do so appreciate the connection here ☺️
Several years ago, Mr. Sandwich had a bad and I mean bad case of . . . E.coli? Salmonella? One of those. It was so bad that at one point I realized that if he needed to go to the doctor, I would have to call an ambulance because I wasn’t able to get him out of bed. (He recovered and is now fine.)
One of our neighbors texted me and asked if she could send us a pizza. And his first instinct was to say thanks but no, because while he does TONS of things for other people at the drop of a hat, he was raised not to ask for help himself. He knows that’s wrong, but it’s ingrained. What I pointed out was that one of the reasons we value our neighborhood is because everyone looks out for one another–and to keep that going, we need to accept help as well as give it.
In the end, I asked if she would be willing to buy us a pizza when it wouldn’t be just me eating it, and of course she was. The pizza was great, but the community was even better.
I’m glad that he recovered and is fine now, what a scary time that must have bene.
Also glad that it all worked out with the pizza. I have to keep reminding myself of your point: you can only look out for each other if you’re all giving AND receiving help. As much as that sticks in my throat, I know logically that is true.
I think depending on others is a fluid situation and often not what you think it is. We do not have family close by either – we used to have a nanny earlier when daughter was younger (thank goodness we’re past that age) – and my in-laws have come to town to be a kid sitter the once we both needed to travel for work which I am always grateful for. We had an emergency last December which really highlighted my assumptions about people helping.
My husband broke his heel bone into several pieces last December – and couldn’t put any weight on it for almost 4 months – and couldn’t drive either because, right foot. I thought we had a good community – in the neighborhood, at our daughter’s school, pre-kid friends etc. One close friend and neighbor was there – to feed daughter for the day my husband had surgery, to walk with me when I just needed 30 minutes of time to vent etc., etc.
One more kid-based friend bought us Friday takeout with their order for a month – she told me that she wasn’t comfortable cooking for others and this was what she was wanted to do to help and I took her up on it and it was a lovely thing for that month. Then her husband drove our daughter with theirs to one far away activity for months happily (we used to carpool pre-pandemic.) That friendship has deepened. Several others texted and checked in with me – and that was what they could do and I appreciated it.
Others, who I had dropped off home cooked meals for in similar situations, had taken their kids places when they couldn’t, texted once, and then assumed that all was ok when recovery was months away. At the time, I was too busy to think about it – but now, I’ve pulled back on those friendships.
I think my new approach is to be helpful once or twice – and then see if the other person is willing to be helpful too (even if it is an offer I can’t take them up on.). If I like the kid – I’ll do the driving when asked if I can even if the other parent never offers to drive in return – for those people, carpooling only works when you participate in the driving too.
It is true that it’s fluid and that very much undermines my confidence in people and relationships entirely when I can’t quite tell where we stand with folks. This is a hard thing for me to figure out.
I’m sorry the people you helped out failed to show up. That makes me wonder how we might be failing to show up for other people, and how we can do better. We still haven’t done carpooling because I have trust issues about other people’s driving (and I know how people in OUR town drive – they’re AWFUL) but eventually that’ll be another aspect of this that I have to figure out.
You’ve also made me realize that I have unintentionally turned away a lot of offers from one parent-friend and I should really let her have a way to contribute too so that we’re on more even ground.
[…] Revanche talks about why she has difficulty asking for help. […]
I know I basically never comment here but this one’s too long for a text, lol. So I was reading a book on the Amish quilts I saw in DC a few weeks ago and one of the essays talked about how they were made… not only do we not have attributions for them and not only were they normally quilted by more than one person, we have no idea who contributed what.
I’d thought of some of this before, but not all of this.
For example, the author’s Amish-Mennonite grandmother was apparently a person whom others would ask to come and trace the intricate patterns that they’d then quilt as a group. Another person’s grandmother was notable for fine quilt piecing. So for a beautiful quilt, one person might come up with the idea, buy and cut the fabric, bring it to grandmother A to piece it and grandmother B to trace a pattern on top, then it would be quilted by a group from the community. Who created that quilt?
Of course, it fits with community values of mutuality and a goal of avoiding pride (whether or not one does).
Now, there were also everyday quilts that someone might make mostly on their own or give to their teenage daughter to quilt with her friends for practice. Those ones never made it to museums. So it was also that this community wasn’t churning out staggering beauty every time. Some quilts don’t even “look” Amish because they’re white and blue and awkwardly quilted by some teenagers. And those ones are loved to death, treasured as a memory of a point of learning, and eventually put into a rag bag because they’ve been used up.
I did grow up with some of that mutuality, watching kids and being watched if someone had a doctors appointment, etc, but I am also pretty bad about seeing/thinking about all the places where one might ask for help. I feel like there’s a limited list in my mind and I rarely get there.
I love all of this. I think this is the sort of community that I long for. Where we all put in something that we’re good, work together, and make things work communally. I can’t say that’s how I grew up but I wished for it. Still do!
OMG I want to record like a 10 min voice note in response to this :D:D:D
I also don’t account for any of this. Like it blew my mind to learn that entrepreneur friends had mentors, coaches, even parents who had relevant expertise. People who have parents that offer to pay for trips. And of course, the practical hands on help (no way would mine be capable of having Spud overnight or even driving him anywhere).
My first instinct is also to pay for help rather than ask for it.
I realised recently that I have such incredibly high expectations for myself but such low standards for others. Which = burnout and resentment. I know – need to calibrate expectations, etc. And find the right people.
And I very much relate to like – why would anyone want a friendship with me, what do I have to offer etc. That’s a hard worldview to shake.
NZ Muse recently posted…Money and life updates: Life with a school aged kid edition!
All of this is very much … Stuff we clearly need to work out in therapy! Group, anyone? 😁