Relative deprivation and lifestyle inflation
October 19, 2021
I was reading this Inc article on happiness and fulfilment and they talked about relative deprivation: when “persons may feel deprived of some desirable thing relative to their own past, other persons or groups, or some other social category.” Then they gave an example of a businessowner who fell prey to “keeping up with the Joneses” in material ways and somehow that led to a massive decline in the happiness at his once thriving business in six months. I don’t know how true that story is but the idea that you should find your own happiness without comparing to others isn’t exactly new. The advice was basically to know yourself, and only compare yourself to yourself.
I thought about that in the context of my life.
I like things as much as the next person but I’m not sure that I experience that much relative deprivation that can be temporarily assuaged by spending. Sure, I could go bananapants over buying stickers that are adorable and stationery, that’s one definite weakness, along with books books and books. But my need to not feel claustrophobic among my belongings goes a long way to offsetting that strong pull.
My areas of envy are typically in my areas of weakness: intellectual. If I were to envy anyone, it might be Nicole and Maggie for being able to make good rational decisions about their kids. Or Cloud for having had the foresight to be in an area where she could enroll her kids in Spanish immersion (her eldest can read literature in Spanish. HOW. COOL. IS. THAT.) Or it might be Tanja for making the early retirement happen, while making it seem manageable, and writing and publishing TWO books (second one coming out in December!). But these are things I mostly admire about them. Money isn’t going to make them happen for me. Well, not the kind of money we’d need. Except for early retirement, having more money would help there but my point is about spending money rather than having it.
I like the good cheese, but I don’t want it all the time. Same with any other edible treat. Yummy but even I have learned moderation.
Certainly there are things we can and want to buy that have that snowball effect. Rather than being pulled to it, the snowballing repels me. The nicer car thing, for example, is a real life current example. We were mentally putting that off until it became clear it’s going to be more pain than it’s worth to delay. But the spending, the need to rearrange our parking situation (a huge pain because garages here are TINY and parking on the street is not an option), the need to figure out how to dispose of our existing car(s). All of that is so tiresome that I’m back to trying to figure out how to avoid the purchase again.
It’s probably a good thing for our finances, though less so for my psyche, that my hatred of change will lead me to look for ways to make do than to upgrade to the newest thing. I don’t WANT to have to learn how to pilot a spaceship that is a modern day car. I’m convinced that this will be me:
The first time I had to drive a car made in this decade, my shoulders were up by my ears the whole time. Hated it. Haaaaated it.
You know the thing that I MOST envy right now? This isn’t solely a pandemic thing but it most certainly is exacerbated by it. People with time. Time enough to be alone AND have to spend with other people too! Time to do one thing at a time and not have to multitask every minute of the day. Time to be creative. Time to be contemplative. Time to experiment. Time to be still. Time to be themselves and not “mom” or “manager” or “employee” or “cook” or “household manager”. I mean, I actually enjoy all those things in moderation but not when I have to be at least three of them at all times. We don’t have nearly enough money to make that kind of time happen.
I also envy people who have more choices than we have solely because they have massive shedloads of money. But since the kind of money we’re talking about is vastly more than what we’d ever see or deal with, it’s not the kind of envy that sticks. So yeah, I get green, sometimes. But thankfully not enough to feel like that has a huge impact on our lives.
Perhaps also the always ongoing Lakota project helps keep my head on more straight than it would otherwise be. If so, I’m thankful for that, too, along with the opportunity to lend a helping hand.
I am 100% certain that you are also making good and rational choices for your kids. 100%. The only thing you should envy in that respect is self-confidence! And tbh my husband who is the best father ever occasionally has irrational worries about parenting and I have to remind him there’s a huge spectrum of great parenting and lots of trade offs so if we don’t maximize something they’re getting something else.
I envy people who live in states where their government isn’t trying to kill them! Working on that though.
You might be right about the self confidence thing! I feel at sea more often than not with this parenting stuff. That’s a really good reminder. I don’t do so well with the intangible trade-offs thing and you know my family history has my stomach in knots a lot of the time.
I’m feeling pretty abundant right now. I think that knowing throughout the pandemic that my husband and I were pretty insulated to the worst of it reinforced to me how fortunate we are.
If I’m feeling “deprived” of anything, it’s probably the TTC stuff. Both my best friend and my husband’s best friend’s wife are pregnant. As are, increasingly, a larger number of our social circle (because early thirties). Sometimes, in my petty brain, it’s been hard not to be jealous and self-flagellating about it. But I’m also happy for them and besides all this means when we have kids (bio or otherwise) they’ll have a little community of other children to play with, and that’s really exciting.
I hope you are able to find time for yourself. It seems like you’ve been spread thin for a while now, and that’s a really tough spot to be in.
I definitely feel similarly WRT the pandemic and how we’ve been able to stay safe and healthy which so many other people didn’t have.
Big hugs about TTC. I’ve had a lot of friends struggle in various ways with the journey. If there’s any way I can be a support, I’m here for you.
It is, thanks. We’re trying our best to help create an hour or two for the other person to have alone time but dang it’s rough.
If only I understood the value of time sooner. If only I knew the quest for money wasn’t about money at all. It was about time. All along it was about the minutes and days, but those minutes can be easily squandered to reach those financial goals. Right now I spend time helping my dad battle stage IV cancer and I realize more than ever how fleeting time is. I am thankful my finances have granted me the time to help him. I wish everyone could do the same.
I feel this strongly. But I also think that of all of us, you realized that much earlier than most.
Wishing you and your dad all the best as he battles cancer. ❤️❤️
Many years ago, I donated an old car to United Cerebral Palsy. I don’t remember the details of how it was done, but I do remember being happy about how easy the transaction went.
That’s an idea! I wonder if they use the cars or auction them.
With you on the time thing. 100%.
I can’t imagine how much time I’ll have once Spud is grown. So many hours!
In the meantime… stuff for me is on the back burner.
I wonder if we’ll remember what to do with ourselves between now and then! A friend told me that they weren’t ready for a dog when their kid was getting older because they were relishing having the time to take morning walks and reading books all the way through. I loved that bit of insight.