By: Revanche

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (72)

October 18, 2021

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 211: Smol woke up at 245 needing a diaper change, overfull and leaking diapers has been the problem this week. After a change and patting, they went back into the crib. Except that was insufficient service and they demanded my presence for another rocking on the shoulder song before they’d go to sleep peacefully. Terrorist. (Which is weird BTW, when they are being settled for a nap, they just want to be put down, they don’t want any cuddling.)

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I hit my tipping point on clutter and had to do some real tidying today: I put away all the baby veggies and cleared out JB’s now 2-3 year old Halloween, Christmas and Easter candy stash. I left a few pieces that weren’t too old. I ate their Oreos. Best by Jan 2021? Eh they were fine.

Took out an armload of recycling: plastic and paper containers that had been lingering and almost finished packing up a care package I’ve been working on for a friend’s little one. That one can go soon.

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We had my Hainan chicken and rice batch cooking failure turned porridge for dinner. It works great as a porridge so I guess we can call it a transformed meal rather than a failed one. Even Smol likes it!

Speaking of Smol, this little smudge decided they have a top tooth and a bottom tooth, they can bite food now! And they can! We learned this when they snatched a quesadilla from me and took the tiniest little chunk out of it. They glowed with pride and satisfaction.

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We’ve had another loss and I’m at a loss for what to say.

It feels like we have barely had time to cope with any one of the losses in the year. The cumulative weight of all of them together is simply too much.

Year 2, Day 212: Ok obvious caveat being I really miss my alone time and having uninterrupted time during the day to get shit done but going to fetch Smol after a good nap is my favorite thing. I get the biggest grins. I fly them out of the crib and get a cackle. They hug me and lay their head on my shoulder for a few minutes for a snuggle. I love it.

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I need this reminder quite often these days: Let no one steal your joy.

Aside from all our big losses the past several months, I read this article and felt thoroughly depressed. Why Everything is Suddenly Getting More Expensive — And Why It Won’t Stop. I’m not sure what to make of this. On first read it says everything is terrible and is going to get so much worse. I can’t argue with that. The obvious trends we see agree with the author’s main points. Billionaires DGAF that they have the ability to address these issues at the massive scale they need to be, they’re too busy enjoying their excessive wealth. They’re too busy plotting their escape into space to leave a destroyed planet behind. Most if not all companies don’t take responsibility for their waste and most don’t take responsibility or demonstrate leadership in addressing the effects of their industries. It’s all dumped wherever they can, they might get fined, and they do it again.

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We had a hell of a baby-gross accident today and it’s too graphic to get into here (everyone’s safe, it’s just really gross and I won’t do that to you) but we have had to revisit our diapering situation. Wish us luck.

Year 2, Day 213: SMOL SLEPT UNTIL 6 AM!!!!

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Confession: I am jealous of a baby. Not mine, someone I love. They have a baby and they have family support all the time and … I’m jealous. OF A BABY. Y’all, this is a real low.

Second confession: We are struggling to get meals on the table. PiC and I were sitting down to lunch together and commiserated on how hard this all feels right now. He’s always insisted on doing a fair share or more of the meal planning when he’s working from home, but we are both so fatigued of making decisions day in and day out. It’s been 20 straight months of managing every meal and everything for our family with just the two of us and no help. I know my mom had it much worse but this is hard too.

Third confession: I am frequently tempted to time the market. I know better. But I’m tempted. I set up an auto-investing schedule to force myself to knock it off because I had reverted to lump sum investing and then kept inching up my “lump sum” threshold to justify not investing just yet. I missed out on a big part of 2020’s run up in part because of that, though in part because I was dealing with the rental and wanted to make sure we had the cash we needed to manage our risks. That rental is out of the way now so I just have to stick my discipline on a post it and STOP TRYING TO TIME THE MARKET. Just keep investing as the money comes in, self. Sheesh.

Fourth confession: I did 20 jumping jacks and 20 toe touches yesterday. The backs of my legs now feel like they’re overstretched rubber bands. *twang* OUCH.

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The weather, it has turned so cold. I’m so cold. I don’t know why I refuse to turn on the furnace, that seems silly. I suggested that we turn it on and PiC has clearly gone ’round the bend: “I’m trying to keep the bill under $100!” I declared we could handle a utility bill that went as high as $110 this month. I’m COLD. It really only took 20 minutes of the furnace being on, to increase the temperature by one or two degrees and then we all felt better. It had just dipped below my tolerated temperature minimum.

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I hate work today and I want to quit. Instead of quitting, I scheduled JB’s Spanish lessons, playdates, doctor’s appt, and updated my dentist appointment. I’ve bought their Picture Day package, and put the finishing touches on a care package for a friend’s kiddie. I’m also in charge of medicating Sera’s ears which SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES. Wait, I misspelled “loathes”. Sorry, puppy.

This may seem counterproductive because the reason I’m mad at work is because I have been drowning in work for ages and it feels endless. It’s a bunch of medium term problems being worked out right now, but really slowly as they must be to get it right, and I feel like I’m that frog boiling alive except I very much feel it.

So sometimes when the stress boils over I just have to step away and do other things so my cortisol levels come back down and then I do my best to claw through work again. It’s not great but it’s how I can cope for now and get through another day intact.

There’s no prize for killing myself at work, Maggie reminds me, and I have to keep remembering that.

Year 2, Day 214: This was not actual retail therapy, but I’m going to pretend it is a little bit to extend the purchase good feels. I ordered a massage thingy on the advice of two friends and costumes for Smol. JB already has some, so I bought one for Smol to wear now and one for next year. I figured that I get to pick the first two years and then after that they will start to have opinions. The costumes are cute and bring me joy. Now I have to hope Smol will wear it!

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Without wishing away time, I look forward to the day I don’t need to mix up bottles of formula and when I can wash these bottles and accessories for the last time.

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Rough rough day today. Started with a 3 am wake up so I was thoroughly tired for the morning routine.

PiC had meetings most of the day, I had to cover Smol half that time and squeeze in as much work as I could the other half. I hate feeling behind at work and I’m always behind these days so that’s like a kick in the face every day.

Day 2 of medicating Sera’s ears and she’s decided I am persona non grata because of it.

JB copped a real attitude with me this evening over their chores. They just didn’t want to do them and decided to mouth off about stuff I had done, saying I’d lied about them. I was Most Annoyed. I don’t tend to shout but I was clean out of patience and hollered that they now had clean bedding and left the room to do some work and regain equilibrium. We had a TALK about the rudeness later that evening. Super unpleasant.

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I caught sight of the stack of printouts I used to use to track Seamus’s days. He had a full printed schedule of walks, meds, meds, meds, walks, meds and walks. It was extensive. Among those pages is the last meal and last medication he ever had. I broke down. I miss my boy more than I can possibly say. I keep feeling like surely he’s just round the corner enjoying the patch of sun. Or surely he’ll be asleep on his back, legs all askew, on the rug having passed out waiting for a belly rub.

Year 2, Day 215: Earlier this week, JB had a minimum day. PiC and I were swamped as usual, and we both lost track of time as Smol’s nap and JB’s pick up time overlapped. We juggle four schedules: our work and meetings, JB’s school dropoff and pickup and out of school lessons, and Smol’s naps and feedings. This is the first time we’ve totally flubbed JB’s pickup. We got a call from the school and were absolutely mortified about it.

They were perfectly safe, if a little damp from the drizzle, and they were mildly put out about it but that was easily repaired. Not so for me, though. I’d been dreading the day we both lost track of time like this and it hit me like a sack of bricks. I was left at school waiting for pick up so frequently. The fact that I was always an afterthought for my poor exhausted mom, and never even on my dad’s radar, because he sucked as a parent etched some deep grooves in me. Consciously and unconsciously, I always expect to be an afterthought now. I don’t like it and it hurts when it does come to pass, but conversely I am uncomfortable when I’m made a priority because I am unaccustomed to that and feel unworthy. It’s rarely an issue with PiC, one thing I did right was refusing to put up with that in my boyfriends, but I feel it deeply with most everyone else including my chosen family. It’s a hard feeling to sit with and to heal the scars.

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Weather whiplash: after being so cold I wanted the heat on all week, today was “leave your sweater at home” warm. I love the heat but the sudden changes don’t feel great for my bones. They don’t love the big shifts. We’re due for another shift next week, I’m hoping the weather system moving in brings a boatload of much needed rain. I worry about our state being in drought or near drought status almost all my life.

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Pain management: I can only get in to see my massage therapist once in a few months because her scheduler is hit or miss right now. If I can’t get an appointment in the two minutes I have to look for one, then I lose the opportunity to make it happen. A friend recommended the Hyperice massager, another friend bought in on their recommendation and reported back that it was pretty good. Given how my entire body aches day and night from stem to stern, I decided to splurge. A massage appointment is wondrous but I can’t get one every three days. I picked it up with a 10% discount from Target and gave it a whirl. PiC had to help with my shoulders and upper back because I couldn’t reach. The first night we ran it for about 15 minutes, and it reduced my back pain noticeably. The effects lasted about 18 hours – I wasn’t free from pain but it was much reduced. It’s heavy and a little unwieldy but incredibly powerful. I’ve only used the lowest setting which feels great. The two higher settings just scare me, frankly. PiC enjoyed it too even if he didn’t have specific aches, it felt good to work over his tired muscles.

This was enough of a mental/emotional boost I even felt motivated to consider other things I should do to take care of my health. We already have our dental cleanings scheduled, we’ll get our flu shots tomorrow, and when I feel better post-flu shot, I’ll get my third COVID shot (though I don’t have a specific autoimmune condition, my immune system is broken). I’ve been fatigued at a deep level for years and had run out of ideas for how to fake energy so I’ve just been brute forcing myself to keep doing what I need to do. I hate it. I want to feel better. I want to have the energy to stand up and go do things, not feel like I’m desperate just to lay down for a few hours. Even if I do lay down to rest, I never get up feeling restored or rested. I feel like I’m running on fumes 98% of the time. It’s miserable. I’d really like to find the root cause if at all possible, so I should schedule my physical this year and talk through possible diagnostics with my doc.

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