May 25, 2021
Growth
This month’s discovery: I’m not going to be able to hang them upside much longer. They’re too big. O_O
Emotionally, they’ve made great leaps and bounds. Some steps forward and some back too, of course. They were practicing mindfulness and communicating what they felt and what they needed. They’re also practicing appropriate choices given time and place.
Culinarily, I’m puzzled how we ended up with a six year old who thinks that when we split food, it should be three ways equally. But they’ve always been that way. The real question is how did a 2 and 3 year old eat adult size portions??
Language
Words have meaning but in JB’s world, they’re all the wrong words: “hitball” for baseball. “Ketchup loaf” for meatloaf.
You’d think they weren’t familiar with the English language. But they’re reading tons! Alvin Ho, Geronimo Stilton, Amelia Bedelia for young readers, Kitty and the Sky Garden Adventure, Superman Family Adventures.
Responsibility
We’ve been refining JB’s responsibilities. We’re not adding a lot, just a few small things here and there, but focusing on having them do a better job of the jobs they do currently have because what’s passable work for a 4 year old isn’t for a 6 year old who has more dexterity and can have more attention to detail. Folding laundry, for one thing, has to be neater. They should be hanging up clothes in the right places where, before, it was fine for them to make it to any closet. Cleaning more thoroughly and taking charge of cleaning up their own bigger messes: It’s easy to be in the habit of doing the big stuff because we’re adults but we want to be mindful to keep building their skills.
We’re also working on pushing them to take the initiative, in chores and in entertaining themselves.
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April 27, 2021
Nesting
Not me, JB. One of their favorite things to do since the pandemic started is making up their bed. I don’t mean making the bed in the traditional sense. I mean creating a giant nest atop their bed with every pillow they can get their hands on.
It’s escalated to thieving blankets from various parts of the house.
Responsibility
JB had a ton of chores over last summer to train them to be a contributing member of the family at an age appropriate level. It didn’t completely eliminate the whining but it cut down on most of the foot dragging and related whining. Now that Smol has arrived, and Seamus has gone 💔, I’ve reduced their regular chores to laundry, cleaning, and putting up clean dishes because these happen more frequently than before but I also want to make time for them to spend time with Smol. They’re already at a point where Smol would rather spend their waking hours with JB than anyone else and JB adores hauling this sibling sack o’ potatoes around so that’s good for all of us.
I have added things like loading the dishwasher when clearing their dishes, though, it’s good for them to keep adding life skills to their repertoire.
They also occasionally declare TODAY IS CLEANING DAY and pull out the Clorox wipes and go to town scrubbing the tiles or the countertops. I’m ok with this.
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April 13, 2021
I’ve been thinking on this a lot for the past couple of months. Nicole and Maggie’s question prompted me to get on it!
We know we’re not traveling this summer. So many reasons:
- As of last week, there is an expectation that the state will mostly open up on June 15th, but…we’re not on any vaccination lists yet. Kaiser will tell us when they have enough vaccines, for now it’s nowhere in sight.
- Smol Acrobat is just an infant in the first rounds of their own regular vaccinations so we’re not risking their exposure to anything right now either.
- There aren’t any vaccines for JB’s age yet either.
- We have family who are vaccine hesitant for a variety of reasons that include complex medical histories and the mess that the CDC has made of messaging. I hope that they will change their minds as this year unfolds but I know it won’t be before summer. So we cannot rely on herd immunity.
Besides all that, my soul is NOT ready to plunge into the frantic make-up socializing that is on the horizon as people get vaccinated and burst out onto a social scene like the freaking Kool-Aid man through a wall. (See: the people who aren’t getting vaccinated and we won’t know who they are.)
We’re staying home and staying remote, then! I used Spring Break as our test case for the summer.
JB is pretty good at keeping themselves occupied but we have to work so we wanted to have some plans for their social interaction that doesn’t depend on me or PiC. (more…)
March 30, 2021
Consequences
JB was a big grump about having me trim part of their hair. It’s no fun for me, either. They won’t stay still, they won’t look up, they keep whining. Finally I warned them that they had better stay still and look up for a full minute, but since they didn’t, I just chopped large chunks out of their hair and let them go inside. It was 2 minute cut and it showed.
They burst inside: Dad look! It wasn’t even that long, I’m all done!
PiC: Great! Looks great!
They ran out of the room. He turns to me and mouthed: WHAT HAPPENED???
It was really that bad. But too bad! If they didn’t want a hack job, they should try standing still for more than 0.2 seconds.
From our perspective
We’ve had some good talks about parenting lately. Of course these stem from frustration and conflict, which doesn’t feel good, but from conflict comes understanding and growth for all of us. We’re trying to do our best to parent in a non authoritarian way and that’s completely uncharted territory in both our experiences. We tend to repeat what we know because that’s easiest and familiar. Going away from that deliberately means we’re writing new to us paths and feeling our way sometimes. The good thing is we talk through our conflicts as much as we can and try our best to create new patterns. Sometimes it feels like the stakes are lower for me because JB cares so much more about what PiC thinks, says, and does than me. It lowers the pressure when I screw up. They don’t have a problem having a rough time with me and saying it’s a rough time or acknowledging later that they know it was a frustrating time.
*****
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March 16, 2021
We watch too much Moana
JB is constitutionally incapable of eating a banana without saying after their first bite, “You’re NO ONE’s hero.”
PiC does it too.
Missing Seamus
JB has known about loss at a little bit of a distance for a long time. They know my mom died a long while ago, they know their great grandparents have died in the past few years. They know our friends’ dogs have died. They’ve been to three funerals. That was all academic.
Nothing comes close to the tearing emptiness of losing Seamus. Not even a little.
“Thinking about him doesn’t fill my bucket,” they sobbed.
No. Thinking of his memories still makes me cry a lot too. The memories are just too fresh.
I still reflexively look for him when I go from one room to the next. I still reflexively reach for his head when I pass by his bed.
They cry for him most nights of the week and we talk about him a lot.
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February 23, 2021
The Big 6
Well this is unsettling. It shouldn’t be, it’s not like we didn’t have plenty of warning that we were working our way up to age six. But the transition from age five to six, especially through a pandemic, has been really really really strange. “Suddenly” it seems like JB went from my slightly post-baby child to the start of a Big Kid. There’s no trace of the baby face anymore. It’s especially jarring when I look at the actual baby and then look at JB.
Heck, some of the familial facial traits are so strongly expressed now, it’s unsettling.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Totally not-fascinating newsflash: diaper brands in the same size vary widely! Looking at Size 1 and 2, the weight ranges are the same but the diapers are very much not the same. We bought Target’s generic up&up brand ourselves, but we were also gifted a few other brands – either gifts or hand me downs from folks who didn’t use up their supply.
If you’re curious, the sizes across brands go, from smallest to largest, as follows: Target, Pampers, Huggies, All Good, Mama Bear.
***
You know what’s really creepy? Smol will be fast asleep and suddenly open their eyes and look at us. Unblinking. Silently. For a few minutes. Then they close their eyes and sleep again. I don’t know what that’s about!
Pupdate
Sera seems oblivious to the lack of Seamus around here. It’s odd. She was so attached to him but maybe it was only for physical warmth? She definitely displays seeking behaviors towards the humans these days, she is concerned whenever PiC and JB are out of the house, but she hasn’t looked for Seamus at all. I’m not sure why that is but I guess that’s not totally abnormal.
Precious Moments
My biggest failure as a parent to date isn’t the fact that JB still routinely mixes us up, or that they keep referring to me as “your mom” to Smol Acrobat, or a myriad of other oddities. It’s that they casually asked: “When Sera dies, can we buy another house to live in? We’ve been here for years and I’m bored.” Knife to the money-wise heart, I tell ya. Though a friend pointed out that they have been trapped in this house in ways that we never anticipated.
*****
JB: Do I have to have a baby?
Me: Nope you never have to have babies if you don’t want them.
JB: Ok. Let’s have another! BOOP, you will have another next year!
Me: -_____-
*****
JB: Do I have to like this? (Gesturing at dinner)
Me: Nope. But you do have to eat it.
*****
JB: do you know why rattlesnakes are so polite?
Me: They’re… polite?
JB: Yeah! Before they sting you on your arm or your face, they hiss a warning at you with their tail! With their rattle! They’re the coolest snakes on earth.
Me: ….. Not ..really…no…
*****
JB very loudly to Smol Acrobat: hello my adorableness! Hello my snugglebunny! That’s MY snugglebunny, yes you are! Yes you are!
February 16, 2021
You have to prioritize
Just remembering back to Halloween. I was getting really grumpy because I had stolen bits of time here and there to set up a surprise Zoom Halloween playdate with treats and decoration for JB but I definitely didn’t have time to get them a new costume.
The week of, I overheard them telling their teacher that they “still don’t have their costume yet”. UGH. “They are REALLY going to be miffed about this,” I thought. Their auntie agreed. As a child, she would have been cranky that she didn’t get a new costume. I found myself getting wound up anticipating their reaction to the news of no costume, and my reaction to their reaction, and it was all bad all the way down.
But talking to their auntie about my grumpiness made me take a step back mentally and realize that there was actually a lesson here.
They could and should learn that we have to pick and choose where we put our energy. So as they were eating up a snack they’d brought me (but I thought was wayyy too sugary), I shared a SECRET: I only had time to EITHER get them a costume or plan a secret party for them and her two friends. And I decided that they would probably rather have a party than a new costume. Their eyes going wide, they immediately agreed that a party is more fun than a new costume and that they would just wear an old costume.
A few minutes later: “Mom, in fact, you didn’t even NEED to buy me a costume! I have PLENTY of clothes and costumes that I can pick from that people gave me so you don’t need to buy anything more!” (more…)