February 23, 2021
The Big 6
Well this is unsettling. It shouldn’t be, it’s not like we didn’t have plenty of warning that we were working our way up to age six. But the transition from age five to six, especially through a pandemic, has been really really really strange. “Suddenly” it seems like JB went from my slightly post-baby child to the start of a Big Kid. There’s no trace of the baby face anymore. It’s especially jarring when I look at the actual baby and then look at JB.
Heck, some of the familial facial traits are so strongly expressed now, it’s unsettling.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Totally not-fascinating newsflash: diaper brands in the same size vary widely! Looking at Size 1 and 2, the weight ranges are the same but the diapers are very much not the same. We bought Target’s generic up&up brand ourselves, but we were also gifted a few other brands – either gifts or hand me downs from folks who didn’t use up their supply.
If you’re curious, the sizes across brands go, from smallest to largest, as follows: Target, Pampers, Huggies, All Good, Mama Bear.
***
You know what’s really creepy? Smol will be fast asleep and suddenly open their eyes and look at us. Unblinking. Silently. For a few minutes. Then they close their eyes and sleep again. I don’t know what that’s about!
Pupdate
Sera seems oblivious to the lack of Seamus around here. It’s odd. She was so attached to him but maybe it was only for physical warmth? She definitely displays seeking behaviors towards the humans these days, she is concerned whenever PiC and JB are out of the house, but she hasn’t looked for Seamus at all. I’m not sure why that is but I guess that’s not totally abnormal.
Precious Moments
My biggest failure as a parent to date isn’t the fact that JB still routinely mixes us up, or that they keep referring to me as “your mom” to Smol Acrobat, or a myriad of other oddities. It’s that they casually asked: “When Sera dies, can we buy another house to live in? We’ve been here for years and I’m bored.” Knife to the money-wise heart, I tell ya. Though a friend pointed out that they have been trapped in this house in ways that we never anticipated.
*****
JB: Do I have to have a baby?
Me: Nope you never have to have babies if you don’t want them.
JB: Ok. Let’s have another! BOOP, you will have another next year!
Me: -_____-
*****
JB: Do I have to like this? (Gesturing at dinner)
Me: Nope. But you do have to eat it.
*****
JB: do you know why rattlesnakes are so polite?
Me: They’re… polite?
JB: Yeah! Before they sting you on your arm or your face, they hiss a warning at you with their tail! With their rattle! They’re the coolest snakes on earth.
Me: ….. Not ..really…no…
*****
JB very loudly to Smol Acrobat: hello my adorableness! Hello my snugglebunny! That’s MY snugglebunny, yes you are! Yes you are!
February 16, 2021
You have to prioritize
Just remembering back to Halloween. I was getting really grumpy because I had stolen bits of time here and there to set up a surprise Zoom Halloween playdate with treats and decoration for JB but I definitely didn’t have time to get them a new costume.
The week of, I overheard them telling their teacher that they “still don’t have their costume yet”. UGH. “They are REALLY going to be miffed about this,” I thought. Their auntie agreed. As a child, she would have been cranky that she didn’t get a new costume. I found myself getting wound up anticipating their reaction to the news of no costume, and my reaction to their reaction, and it was all bad all the way down.
But talking to their auntie about my grumpiness made me take a step back mentally and realize that there was actually a lesson here.
They could and should learn that we have to pick and choose where we put our energy. So as they were eating up a snack they’d brought me (but I thought was wayyy too sugary), I shared a SECRET: I only had time to EITHER get them a costume or plan a secret party for them and her two friends. And I decided that they would probably rather have a party than a new costume. Their eyes going wide, they immediately agreed that a party is more fun than a new costume and that they would just wear an old costume.
A few minutes later: “Mom, in fact, you didn’t even NEED to buy me a costume! I have PLENTY of clothes and costumes that I can pick from that people gave me so you don’t need to buy anything more!” (more…)
January 26, 2021
I missed a few publishing dates here and there so some of these will be out of sync for a bit.
The boredom limit
I had expected this but I was hoping it wouldn’t come this soon. JB was generally enjoying kindergarten because it was easy. Why not?
But I thought it was inevitable that at some point, they would tire of spending time in a class where they weren’t learning anything. We kept on with their tutor in anticipation of this very thing and lo, one morning they declared: I hate kindergarten! It’s so boring, we aren’t learning anything. Why didn’t the other kids learn before kindergarten?
We had a talk about privilege, about how everyone learns at a different pace, how the teachers don’t have the same resources or teaching styles as they had at daycare, and that not all kids have the same resources either. It’s going to be challenging for JB to deal with being ahead of their class solely because of the privilege of having had a strong academic education, when their social development is firmly in this age/grade.
It’s actually going to be hard on all of us because they displayed serious disengagement from the class after that announcement and we’re going to need to navigate this in some sensible way.
(more…)
December 22, 2020
Developmental Check Ins
We’re lucky to count among our dear friends and family two teachers who are professionally focused on JB’s grade level. This means we can ask the “IS THIS NORMAL” question and get an answer that’s complete and geared towards helping them improve as a good human. We are so grateful for that guidance.
Especially when they share anecdotes confirming that all five year olds are this weird!
For example, it was helpful to hear that being able to see things from someone else’s perspective isn’t a mental framework that they have at this age, that’s something we still have to help them do.
Pupdate
Sera is, currently, the lowest maintenance member of the Dependents Pack and that’s a weird thing to say. But despite her behaviors and fears, which are still definitely present and mean that she is not trustworthy off leash at all or around strange dogs, she IS the healthiest and least needy right now. I’ll take it. Oh and after 3+ years with us, she’s finally chosen someone to bond to. PiC! Hahaha of course.
Sir Seamus, though, oh boy. He’s wobbly (neurological issues that we’re managing with meds but can’t cure) which means we have to be SUPER careful walking him lest he fall over. He still does at random times as his legs just give out. He keeps getting infections, his eyes were a whole THING for months (he did get a clean bill of eye health recently though! yay!), his feet break out in hot spots randomly and hurt, his vision is going, his hearing is bad, his sniffer doesn’t sniff well. But the tricky thing is: he’s still generally a happy pup. He still declares that the post-person is a rude enemy, he’s still absolutely got an appetite, he enjoys his walks even if they are slow and wobbly. He doesn’t fall asleep upside down anymore but he does still do his Happy Rolls.
Second trimester
At this stage, I am continually overeating at most meals to make up for lost ground when I was so nauseated before. (The nausea is much lower now, though it conveniently pops up when cooked vegetables are in the vicinity.)
My level of consumption is a bit scary. I’m only eating until I feel full but the quantities required are … rather like feeding Teen Me again.
6 hearty street tacos, plus rice
Two double cheeseburgers without buns but extra lettuce and tomato
Half a tray of enchiladas
The bonus bizarre thing now is that the kiddo seems to Pac-Man chomp all the food I’ve consumed within 20-30 minutes. I can actually feel it “disappearing” chomp chomp chomp. It’s … Creepy. It doesn’t seem biologically possible or plausible but it really feels like the kid is sucking up my meal because I go from feeling too full to nearly hungry again in a matter of minutes.
Unlike with JB, I’m resting when I need it instead of pushing myself on guilt and willpower. I already use plenty of that for living through a pandemic, managing full time work while sharing childcare duties with PiC who is also working, and caring for our pups. If my body needs rest and I can lay abed for an extra 20 minutes, I do. If it’s a weekend and after an active morning, I’m beat? I lay down. Carrying a whole human is work and I’m not forgetting it like I did with JB. Especially since, though the memories are years off, I recall being even more exhausted with an infant. I will savor every bit of rest I can get now because there’s going to be precious little of that in the future.
It’s not just being more aware is making me amenable to rest though. It’s that all of us being at home removes one critical stress factor. I don’t feel the need to get up and help them get out the door on time. Schedules are less of an issue when there’s no commute to account for. There is of course still a school schedule, and work, but it’s different when you can mosey over on your own two feet.
Precious Moments
“Mom I closed the door so you would not be annoyed by all the talking in the room.” Sits down and starts reading out loud.
To myself: BUT YOU ARE STILL ON THIS SIDE OF THE DOOR.
***
Me: JB, can you go get my water bottle for me please?
JB: Yes matey!
***
JB: I’m sorry your work is annoying.
Me: Me too.
***
Dammit!
I asked JB to read to baby because they are kicking the crap out of me, and I suggested they might be a little upset about something. They replied “oh if Baby is upset, we should just leave them alone for a while so they can calm down.”
THAT IS EMOTION MANAGEMENT FOR NON FETUS PEOPLE THOUGH. I cannot leave the fetus anywhere right now!
December 1, 2020
Problem-solving
I see evidence of JB attempting to solve problems in very five year old kinds of ways. If one stool helps you reach up high, surely two stools stacked on top of each other is better? Until a resounding crash ensues, where they call out: I’M OK! JUST A LITTLE BLOOD BUT I AM TOUGH!
I see a variation on this theme later when they offered to fetch things from my closet and those things include a sweater hung on the top closet rod: a different stool stacked atop the previous base seems to have worked.
“I cleaned up the crumbs!” they shout from the other room. I’m not sure what that means until I come out and find the small dustpan filled with crumbs set near the garbage bin. They couldn’t empty it into the bin without making a mess.
Instead of “good morning”, JB says…
“Wake up sleepies, the early cats get the fish!”
“Mommy, if you die, baby dies.”
“Do you remember your dreams? MY best dream was …”
Kindergarten is …
Their 13 year old playmate asked: how’s kindergarten, what do you like?
JB: Kindergarten is boring. We just learn one letter a day. I already know my letters! My favorite part are the videos.
It’s sad but true. They like kindergarten because it’s easy and fun and they can sort of socialize in the sense that they see other people. But academic learning? Nah. That’s really not happening.
They are picking up a slew of DELIGHTFUL habits from the teacher though: complaining every flerken day about being tired and how hard things are and how much they wish they could be back in the classroom. šš
I can’t stand their teacher. (more…)
October 19, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,816.35; Rural libraries, $346.69.
Surprise! Chores!
I’m pleased with the occasional initiative JB continues to show. They got up early one morning and while I still lay abed, they set up the dogs’ breakfast without being asked AND remembered the whole rigamarole of the kibble, and the supplements, and the medications, and the everything. Seamus’s dietary needs are many.
They can also be responsible for most of the laundry now. They load the washer and start it after an adult has poured in the detergent. They check and spin it again if it hasn’t spun enough water out. They can transfer to the dryer and then they hang up and put away the clean clothes. I generally do the sorting first just to make it more efficient (and I like sorting). I also do most of the folding but they’re good at folding the dish towels.
The initiative is still very sporadic though.
Education
I will leave this space free of my rant about the state of education for the moment but commenting on JB’s education: we spent the entire summer cobbling together a consistent education stream for them.
We were very lucky to have the help of a trained teacher to do the actual teaching and I added occasional supplemental classes through Outschool to give them some variety. They’re exploring all kinds of fun educational experiences as and when I can fit them into our schedule: “visiting” the cultures of other countries, dance, literature and math.
I was oh so grateful we had that solid foundation when they started kindergarten. JB is well accustomed to regular remote learning if done well (that part remains to be seen) and the regularity of a five day school week. Whether I feel like that formal education structure is best for them is not relevant right now, it’s what we have.
Different generations
Breakfast when I was growing up: small bowl of rice porridge, maybe soy sauce.
When PiC was growing up: bowl of cereal.
JB: Bowl of raisin bran, scrambled eggs, bacon, fresh mango and strawberries.
We ALL eat the same meals now (except for the parts I can’t eat), so it’s not like I’m blaming them for the choices we make. It’s just a huge contrast!
Pupdate
Seamus is losing senior dog friends left and right, as his cohort ages, and it’s so sad. They were all getting on in years and it was time for each of time, but it’s still heartbreaking. I’m glad he has Sera to keep him a bit engaged, even if he doesn’t necessarily appreciate her. They have a bit of a bond though, they check on each other every so often and she functions a little bit like his remora fish, cleaning up after him after their morning treats.
I keep tracking the number of Happiness Rolls he does every day. Once he stops having Happiness Rolls, loses mobility, or stops eating or drinking, we’re going to know it’s time. It’s very important to me that we do our best to get that right. We want him to squeeze out every good day and bit of joy he can but not hold him in misery because we’re too selfish to let him go. We know people who have been holding their suffering pets hostage to their emotions and it’s absolutely awful. When your pet hasn’t been able to get up or walk to tend their basic needs in months and has seizures almost regularly, it’s not a secret that they are suffering.
I think it’s been three years since we brought Sera home and for the first two and a half years, I was pretty sure she didn’t even like us. She was happy to eat our food and wanted to show submission but she was only bonded to Seamus, she didn’t want much to do with us humans.
We’ve spent loads of time on her training, even though it was frustrating to feel like we were pouring in gallons of energy into a bottomless pit. She’s still very reactive and therefore cannot be trusted off leash or on leash with JB. Not that she’d ever deliberately hurt JB, she’s simply still not capable of paying attention to the human on the other end of the leash and would absolutely drag JB face first on the ground to go after a dog she thought was menacing her. Well, she previously couldn’t. She’s finally making some progress. She looks at us when she sees another dog, anxiously and ever so briefly, but she does break that intent gaze voluntarily sometimes and that’s a world of difference from her earlier levels of hypervigilence. She’s also very much into the treats I’ve been getting her and she’s learned what heel means, though she won’t STAY heeling so that’s the next step of training. Her sit game is weak but she’s recently learned down!
What I find absolutely fascinating is that she listens to JB. (Seamus categorically will not obey JB unless there is obvious bribery. He considers himself above them, and he’s been a mature adult longer than JB has been alive so his judgement has been trustworthy much longer. But that’s diminishing now in his 15th or 16th year. It’s funny to hear JB adopt my low deep training tones to try and exude authority over him because it does not work.) Sera, though, will obey JB when we’re home. She’s obeyed commands to go to bed, sit, and lay down. She’s obeyed the sit and stay when JB is feeding them, and she’s sort of obeyed, about as well as she ever does for anyone, the “walk” command which is her release to go eat. JB scruffs her as best they can to “help” her slow down which is also hilarious because a five year old cannot possibly hold back a 60 lb pibble dashing for her food bowl. But they try.
Random questions
How do we make chips?
How do bears get their sounds?
What does ‘dire’ mean?
***
Things I didn’t expect my five year old to know about: Baba Yaga (thanks to Itty Bitty Hellboy which is a great read)
***
Amelia Bedelia moment
In one of their lessons, JB learned to make fish decorated with tissue paper. On a day they needed something to keep them busy, I asked JB to make me a school of fish for my office.
They taped together a few sheets of paper to draw a large building with a sign at the top: “Fish school.”
***
Believe me, I know you.
JB: Can you ask if mom can come on our walk?
Me: they just want me to come so I can walk Seamus and they can go fast with you and Sera.
JB: NO!! I JUST WANT YOU TO WALK WITH US. *Offended face*
Outside two minutes later…
JB: ok! Mom can take Seamus, you (PiC) ‘n’ me can go first.
Me: AH HA! J’accuse!
:: What were your favorite kinder-level books? What was your favorite childhood breakfast?
September 21, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,797.23; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Responsibilities
JB has daily chores to do now. The process of getting a habit formed has been painful. The whining, the complaining, the moaning and flopping about! They were easier to train as a 3 year old! But they are perfectly capable of performing the tasks assigned and so we stick to it.
One chore is setting the table. On a day I wasn’t feeling well, they took the initiative. Without any reminders, they set the table with all the usual, then filled a water bottle and brought it to the table to serve as a refill pitcher. I’m not sure where their idea came from but it made me laugh. A water pitcher for the dinner table has been on my wish list for a while but I had never mentioned it!
They were originally motivated by filling out a weekly chore chart for earning a prize but with my fatigue and the fires and smoke, and Seamus’s condition, we’ve had to skip a couple weeks. However the baseline of their having daily chores to do, on a rotating basis depending on the things needing to be done, has finally stuck.
They do want their chore chart back though, and I’ve promised to get that up again.
JB’s reads
They are absolutely loving the Catstronauts (Amazon, Indiebound), Baltazar’s Itty Bitty Hellboy (Amazon, Indiebound) and Superman Family Adventures (Amazon, Indiebound) comics. They’re also starting to get into the Judy Moody series. I saw Judy Moody at Comic Con last year but didn’t realize it was age appropriate already.
More parenting!
Some quick math: Seamus + JB who is definitely not a baby any longer + Sera + one baking baby makes four.
Just in case we had failed to add properly, JB likes to tell us we will have FOUR kids to take care of.
Yes. Yes we know.
They’re pretty excited about the new sibling. Seamus may care when the new arrival actually arrives but he’s too old to worry about helping me like he used to. I’m trying to train Sera to come help me when I get beached but she’s still too twitchy. She gets scared when I try to lean on her a bit to get up. She’s into babies, though, and is going to have trouble resisting bestowing dog kisses. We know where that mouth has been, no dog kisses thank you.
Pupdate
It’s been a while since I did a separate pupdate and I have decided *grand gesture* that we’ll combine them with kid updates. Why not. They’re all my dependents.
Seamus is aging more rapidly than we can bear. We adore him and it’s hard to see this. He’s got moderate to severe arthritis which we’re treating with All the Things to help keep him comfortable. He’s been developing neurological issues, like knuckling when he stands and walks, or misjudging distances and overcompensating or falling. He always gets back up but I dread the progression of this aging. We baby him as much as we can, he’s earned every bit of it and more, and I have pangs of regret wondering if there’s anything else I should and could have done for him. I know I’ve been doing everything that I actually can but it’s hard. He’s been prone to UTIs this year and he had a rough several months with them. We thought it was in our rear view but yet another nasty infection cropped up this month.
The funny thing about his getting older though, he’s finally less saintly with his patience. Where he once regularly let Sera share his water bowl, they would drink at the exact same time which is a hilarious sight, or even taken a step back and let her have the bowl first, he now just takes first turn at the bowl as his due. He always should have, he’s twice her age! But even as recently as last year he’d defer to her politely.
While she doesn’t understand most dogs, any kind of signal from him is respected. He only had to knock her head out of the water bowl once when she started to crowd him. She’s never again tried to shove her way in to share like she has done for the past two years. Since then, she just behind him to wait her turn. Some days, she won’t even drink if he’s outside until he’s back in and has had his drink first! She gets very little direction from him but whatever she gets, she takes very seriously.
We were working with a dog walker before COVID to give her some extra exercise once a week but that wasn’t very long before we all had to shelter in place. Since then we have had a lovely friend share some reactive dog training tips and information which has helped us recalibrate our expectations and our approach to her training. We’d hit a plateau in April and I was despairing. But we came to understand her fear a little better thanks to the dog training advice of @themariadawn and we’ve been seeing small but real improvements. I’ve noticed her looking at other dogs that would normally put her on high alert but then look up at us for a treat instead of lunging for the other dog. Previously, even dogs a block away would set her on alert. She’d stay alerted and tense until they were long out of sight. Now she might bounce with a bit of anxiety but she’ll stare at dogs across the street intensely, and then allow herself to be redirected. Lots of treats, lots of positive tones, and lots of forward motion all help us stay safely on our side of the walk. I hope she’s not reactive forever but it certainly felt that way for a while. We’re making some progress.
Precious Moments
Mindreading
JB: Mom, what’s that thing we eat?
Me: The what?
JB: That thing!
Me: … what color is it?
JB: Pink.
Me: What shape is it?
JB: Round.
Me: When did we eat it?
JB: That time with T!
Me: ….. cotton candy?
JB: YES!
When Avatar: The Last Airbender and reality collide
JB: Why are there SO MANY FIRES.
Me: Well for some of them, people are making bad choices and making sparks in dry areas where they can catch fire. That’s not all of them but the ones we know about are because people are being careless.
JB: What if it’s actually the FIRE NATION?
Me: Well, the Fire Nation isn’t real, that’s from a story.
JB: BUT WHAT IF.
:: Do you remember having wild flights of fancy as a kid? (Or do you now?) Also it occurs to me that the titles of these monthly updates should change to plural now.