October 6, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,816.35; Rural libraries, $346.69.
Week 29 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 29, Day 199: Between JB and Seamus, and now TBD nickname Smol Human, I am not getting anything like enough sleep.
I was teetering on the very edge of the cliff of No Patience, and nearly bit off PiC’s head for asking me any questions.
I had to take several deep breaths and a giant step back, and stop working for a little while. I did a spot of organizing. Stress cleaning usually evens out my mood and stress organizing was close. It took the edge off at least but it was enough for me to realize just how tired I was. I never snap at PiC.
After I realized that I’d been woken up or disturbed no less than a dozen times over the night, I gave up trying to fight and went to lay down for a short 30 minute rest. I really needed a couple hours but I did not have that luxury on a Monday. We made it through but not without a lot more bumps and bruises along the way.
After hours, I discovered Seamus, fresh off one round of medications yesterday, has developed yet another problem! That poor pup cannot get a break. I gave him some medication and monitored it but he neither improved nor seemed in distress so we left it til morning to talk to the vet. (more…)
September 28, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,886.35; Rural libraries, $346.69.
Week 28 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 28, Day 192: I skipped therapy last week and I have to wonder if that lack of release valve adds to my Monday frustration level. I didn’t sleep well or deeply, so that could be the problem too, but end result: I was on edge all day.
It was a two oatmeal bar kind of day and I felt like I was overindulging but it was my sugar free gluten free treat and darn it, I needed a bit of something good today.
Or I could have just been feeling sick because I was fatigued, who knows!
Belatedly I remembered that I’m supposed to work on not blaming myself for every time I feel sick or tired or overwhelmed or in extra pain because that’s both not knowable and counterproductive. Blaming myself isn’t taking responsibility or a means to diagnosing the issue as I’d believed, it was just another way to be mean to myself which causes extra stress and pain.
Sounds a bit woo woo but changing my self talk has honestly helped reduce both intensity and duration of pain flares, which I may have mentioned before, so an attitude adjustment was in order.
For a while now I’ve been playing the worst game of figuring out why I feel like X or Y or Z: pregnancy or pandemic?? And in the end the only answer that made sense was: yes.
Seamus’s eyes, from that long worrisome period where he had a terrible eye ulcer, are finally in good shape again!
Week 28, Day 193: My roller coaster day. Started in a weird mood, and I was touchy about every little thing. Then overseeing kindergarten and having to hear the teacher praise the kids sixteen times in an hour for “being so smart” aggravated me further – hasn’t she ever heard of the fixed and growth mindsets?? Please. Stop. That.
With Penny’s kind assistance on some wording, because I was too irritable to be polite yet, I drafted a diplomatic email to the teacher asking her to focus not on “smarts” (what is that even in five year olds) but on effort and time. We’ll see if she actually replies or responds positively. There are a lot of things about her class that I find to be subpar but I can let them go. Fostering a fixed mentality though, I can’t.
I also don’t love that she keeps mistaking my kid for another Asian kid in the class and scolding them for the other kid’s actions or inactions. We keep an eye on JB from a distance so we know when they are following directions and when they aren’t. We wouldn’t intervene anyway because we know we should let the teacher manage their class, but there have been multiple instances of JB being scolded when they were actually following directions. I’m not quite sure how we’ll approach that but both of us will observe for a while longer and then deal with it.
(more…)
September 22, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,797.23; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Week 27 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 27, Day 185: After the weekend we’d had, I didn’t have any hopes left that Monday would be better. And it was quickly confirmed 2:30 hours in with Seamus having another accident in the hallway. Poor Seamus had to pee 5 times before 8 am. We cleaned up the first mess together, then PiC took the brunt of it, getting up with him the last three times so I could get a little more sleep. It was much appreciated, though I woke up every time I heard Seamus going click click click.
I put in a call to the vet by 8:30 to let them know it had gotten exponentially worse, and luckily the lab was back already. They were able to confirm he has a wicked UTI. That could account for all of his symptoms, fingers crossed that it does, and was going to cost $300 of antibiotics but our awesome vet was able to point us to a much more economical option: $50 for the compounded version of the medication. AND they were able to get it done by midday. I simply couldn’t take another day of scrubbing beds and rugs so I implemented an outside-every-hour policy for Seamus to ensure as best I humanly could that he wouldn’t have another accident inside. Between his constant (and I mean, CONSTANT) insistence on drinking more water every 10-20 minutes, his hourly walks, and his back legs giving out on him every other half hour, on top of having a million of the usual life responsibilities, the question is: are we going to survive this day? Who. Even. Knows.
Topped that off with accidentally spraying hand sanitizer right into my eye. YEEEEP. It’s Monday.
I do have to hand it to JB though, they did an outstanding job (calibrated for a five year old of course) of adjusting to the change of plans when I noticed PiC was flagging. Instead of art time with Dad, I explained very carefully that he was just so tired from being up with Seamus most of the night and that he really needed some time to rest. I asked them to pick a book and do some quiet reading time and leave him be. Instead of stomping off and having a fit, they were willing to pick some books and have quiet time so I could get some work done, he could nap, and I could keep an eye on Seamus and his needs.
Week 27, Day 186: We planned ahead for another tough night and it helped a bit. I’m physically incapable of taking anything like a reasonable nap and functioning after, PiC took the night shift since he can nap during the day if we can find the time. I planned to cover the day shift but he insisted on doing at least half the walks.
We caught a good air quality day and that made an enormous difference for everyone’s state of mind, if not for our level of fatigue.
*looks around* It’s mid-September.
MID-SEPTEMBER.
That’s three months and two weeks left in 2020. I don’t know how to process this information. We’ve essentially spent 6 month indoors.
JB is a very different kid from when we started this mid March: they can ride a 2 wheel bike, they are a much more confident artist and writer, they operate much more autonomously for random chunks of time. They can do a regular rotation of chores, though they still have to be prompted.
As adults, we still don’t have enough information to make more than the most cautious decisions about COVID. We can’t trust any information out of the CDC or from the federal government. We can only make our best judgments based on what seems sensible. We’re being super cautious about exposure to other people, and who we can trust to be honest, because whoever they are around recently translates into people we’re exposed to as well.
This isn’t where I thought we’d be at this point in the year, if I think back to March, but I suspected we’d be in this for a very long haul.
Week 27, Day 187: Day four? of round the clock care for Seamus. Thankfully he started going longer between outings starting at around 1 am. He could hold out for 3-5 hours at a time before needing to go out, which is vastly better than the 1-2.5 hours range we previously had. He wasn’t perky but he was actively communicating more clearly, asking for water or to go out as needed, rather than getting up 3 times an hour and wandering aimlessly.
JB and I spent the afternoon together companionably while I worked. I’d bribed them with the offer of reading some of my cherished and off limits comics. They’ve never been allowed to touch my comics before so their silence was easily purchased. They delved deep, going from Mouse Guard to Secret Coders to Gail Simone’s Wonder Woman and The All New Atom. Some bits they read, most bits they just admired the artwork. We took a break and went for a long slow dog walk, happy we could breathe the air again, with the promise they could come back for more reading time.
They immediately disappeared into the office again once we got back, happily flipping through. I’ll be using this treat very sparingly since most of my comics aren’t kid friendly but I suspect they’ll be after me for expanded comics privileges soon.
Week 27, Day 188: Everyone (but me) had a good night of sleep!!
Sad for me but glad for everyone else. Lots of derailment today, sadly. Pain levels were high, JB’s kindergarten class was disrupted due to technical problems, Sera stole Seamus’s pain medications because they were wrapped in delicious pill pockets.
My brain fog was high too, which is really great for getting work done!
I gave myself a couple short breaks to clear out some parts of my office which was also mentally and emotionally cleansing. I packed up a big bag for donations, having decided that it was no longer worth my time trying to take good photos of clothes to sell on Poshmark. I just have standard basic reasonably decent stuff but I haven’t worn these professional clothes in eight years. Seems like it’s ok to let them go now.
Week 27, Day 189: It’s always a relief to get to Friday, even if we’re all battered, intact.
Another disrupted day between managing JB’s kindergarten lessons which were again interrupted by technical difficulty and then having furniture delivered. It went relatively well and we were excited to finally have enough space in the bed except… The sheets I’d bought were too small. Bummer. The product description said we had an extra two inches of depth but they weren’t long enough to stretch over the mattress. We had to let the lovely large bed sit for another night while we picked up new sheets.
Ah well. I took solace in the fact that my outlined schedule for shifting furniture around the house in preparation for the large bed to be set up worked very smoothly and we had plenty of time for each step without stressing or rushing or a single late night. Go me! This was quite the splurge upgrade but I think we’re going to appreciate it for years to come just like we did for over twelve years after we changed from the old double bed to the queen. Lifestyle inflation? Maybe. But my body needs the better mattress, the space to stretch out, and bonus, when I stub my toe on this bed it doesn’t hurt half as much.
Also our now extra bed will go on to a second life at a friend’s house so that makes me happy.
Given all the disruption, I was grateful to be able to buckle down to work in the afternoon and get enough done to mostly not look back over the weekend on my own account. I knew I’d have to work some because a staff person needed coverage but that’s a favor I’ll do for them.
:: Are you happy with your bed size? How did you pick it?
September 14, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,763.51; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Week 26 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 26, Day 178: I hate that living and working in a pandemic with all these restrictions in the hopes of avoiding a horrible illness, with severe, long lasting and still uncertain effects even if death isn’t the end of the story, has hit some kind of normal for us.
We had to adapt, and we have, and we had to adopt a long term mindset because our government is worse than a failure, but I hate that this and ever-creeping fascism are what we have become accustomed to in 2020. It’s perfectly normal to have a President who commits multiple unconscionable acts, who proudly and openly violates all the rules and norms and the Hatch Act and isn’t called to account even once by “his” party.
It’s depressing that our mental goalposts have moved to such low standards.
Week 26, Day 179: This long day of labwork completely wiped me out. I expected that it would require rest time after but I didn’t expect it to knock me for such a loop that I’d fall asleep after laying down for “just a rest”.
I took the rest of the day “off” so I’d only be doing parenting and home life and household management without also trying to work. I spent some time working through forms and paperwork, some time working on finance related research and sending our CPA a bunch of questions for the 2020 tax year prep. I work on this all through the year so that my 2021 tax prep isn’t awful.
JB spent some of the afternoon using up my thank you cards to write short not-thank-you notes to people. Their phonetic spelling is spectacular / interesting and I’m tempted to take pictures of all of them for an archive. They’re pretty funny.
Week 26, Day 180: We woke up to DoomSky which is so very 2020.
My phone absolutely refused to take an accurate picture and kept filtering out all the yellow / orange / red but our skies were approximately like this:
It was dark at noon.
It was really unsettling to feel like we should be doing SOMETHING but I didn’t know what since we’re a fair distance away from actual danger.
Week 26, Day 181: Day 2 of DoomSky. At least it wasn’t dark today though, it’s been yellow-orange rather than orange-red.
I had a headache all day though and I couldn’t decide if it was because our air quality was absolute trash or because I didn’t sleep well (this is normal, though).
JB woke up in a great mood but that didn’t last long. Combination of air quality, not enough physical activity, no outside time and being five? Who knows.
Week 26, Day 182: Day 3 of DoomSky.
We’re starting to feel a bit trapped. The air quality is positively dismal so we can’t even go outside for long walks or hikes or biking. PiC and JB are really struggling mentally and emotionally with that.
Seamus has been having (urinary) accidents this entire week. I’ve scrubbed floors, beds, and rugs, and PiC has done six loads of dog laundry. It wasn’t until confirming with PiC today that their walk durations haven’t been short all week as I had mistakenly though, plus mentioning it to @WindyCityGal that it occurred to me this might be a UTI again. AGAIN. Or worse, Cushings. I’m hoping for a UTI, even if it was a major bummer to knock out last time.
I can’t tell you the number of times that being exasperated and mentioning a problem to a friend by text has resulted in pieces clicking together and possible answers!
PiC and I agreed that this week has been one of THE toughest in the past six months. We had comfort pizza night.
:: How was your week? Were you affected by any of terrible air and smoke?
September 8, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,732.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Week 25 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 25, Day 171: I stopped buying fast fashion many years ago but I kept the clothes bought when that’s all I could afford, and discard them only when they fell apart.
It’s kind of a surprise how long wearing some of these things are! Today, I’m wearing a shirt that I bought something like 12 years ago from Forever 21 and it still looks like new. No stains, tears, pulls or fading.
It’s a heavy work day as usual for Monday but some changes I made have borne enough fruit for me to be able to get through it in a normal work day for once. And it’s been a while since that happened. But at the same time, I still feel tremendous guilt over being an emotionally disengaged parent when I’m working. I don’t feel like this when they’re away, just when they’re here and happily bouncing everywhere and wanting attention.
Week 25, Day 172: I’m tired from not great sleep which helps nothing at all, but I’m also struggling with a terrible lack of patience and mood today. I keep hydrating with ice water to try and stave off a five alarm scream. I have a snack. I change tasks to get away from the minor irritants that are tickling the trigger. I make myself breathe deeply and speak clearly, calmly, and firmly to JB instead of letting them get under my skin.
I can’t decide if I want this day to be twice as long which would allow me to take some calming detours, so I can still get things done, or just be over already and start over.
Finally, a break to make an experimental batch of gluten free cornbread seemed to help.
Week 25, Day 173: I expected today to be a tough day because I had a long doctor’s appointment with blood work and that impacts my work schedule but I forgot the other impact. It’s utterly exhausting! And me being me, I was completely confused how much the appointment took out of me. I was so fatigued after getting home that I could barely rally my last remaining brain cells. While it was nice to chat with my doctor who I like and respect and who treats me with respect, I can’t say it was worth the loss of the rest of the day. I had to triage and ditch work early because I was approaching the point of being useless and two steps after that is worse than useless: making mistakes on important decisions. It was time to cut my losses.
Week 25, Day 174: Two hours of this morning were eaten up by technology gremlins and then another half hour was eaten by another gremlin. Then it was off to the races trying to finish a full work day in a little over half a day. Not stressful at all!
JB did their best to help out. They pronounced: you don’t have to stop working, I’ll make lunch!
As they are FIVE I had some concerns. But once I established they weren’t attempting anything that would later result in fire trucks, I sat myself back down to crack out some work and let the kid show me what they could do entirely unsupervised. And honestly, I was impressed. They made me a gluten free low carb ham and cheese sandwich with a side of carrots and two kinds of dip. They even insisted on serving it to me at my desk, a la Chef Dad, instead of just letting me know to come to lunch. They made the same for themselves and heartily enjoyed their lunch with the savor of independence at the table nearby. Really, I was impressed.
Week 25, Day 175: Unexpected letters from the IRS are never good. This one definitely wasn’t. I found out that I had missed a Pretty Big Line Item on a past tax year’s filing and I have no idea how that form never made it to me or into my records. But here’s where therapy paid off: when I tracked down the mistake and figured out it truly was a mistake, I was able to let it go emotionally. Normally I’d have kicked my own ass up and down the street for being so (insert various judgy phrases here) thus adding the pain of stressing and being angry to the pain of paying a whopper of an unexpected bill. I did have to suffer the pain of the two hours on hold to the IRS to iron out the final payment because I was disputing one small item listed, that was rough and meant I didn’t get to take a half day as I’d hoped, but I did get the paperwork finished up and ready for the mail. And thank goodness for my new habit of keeping more cash on hand than the absolute bare minimum of what’s needed to pay the next week of bills. That also saved me some heartburn.
It’s so strange learning to let myself make mistakes and not feeling terrible about them.
August 31, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,732.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Weeks 23 and 24 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 23, Day 157: JB was really excited for their first day of school. I am really hoping things shift but it bothers me greatly that their teacher keeps harping on how she wants to see them back in the classroom “soon.” It makes me think that the teacher isn’t taking this seriously enough and that she’s getting their hopes up which is rather cruel when we have no idea what’s around the corner. These kids have been through five months of COVID and it feels like she’s dangling bait in front of them with this “soon” commentary. I hope she stops.
I don’t know if this was a happiness hangover thanks to the weekend but despite the numerous challenges of the day, and the Mondayness of the day, I didn’t spend my day infuriated and frustrated as usual.
We had lots of fun on the weekend one day and I spent the other day getting almost my entire to do list done. I finished up all but two items off the remaining list today and caught up on my work backlog.
Things are still grim with various fronts but for the first time in months, a Monday didn’t feel like the Absolute Worst. I’m very grateful.
Week 23, Day 158: Day 2. Oh. My patience from yesterday ran out. Darn! (more…)
August 24, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,732.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Weeks 21 and 22 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 21, Day 143: Is there a Monday in which I don’t complain about the Mondayness? This was not one of those.
It actually has Friday to blame. This week was like we started with a technology hangover from the previous week: my phone didn’t work, which meant that my primary form of communication with the outside world was disrupted, as was the ability to manage JB’s lessons. I had to spend yet another two hours trying to fix tech that wouldn’t work, and that’s before getting to my actual FT work. Since I had to factory reset the phone, everything I have set up to make the days work more smoothly and makes the most of every minute was gone and it was like grit in my eyes irritating.
Also my downloading during my work day refused to save to the right folder, it kept going to some random folder with 12,000 other files. Awesome. That required another 20 minutes to solve.
So. Much. Grit. In. My. Day.
(more…)