November 3, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (283)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Are

Year 6, Day 189: We got notices that we still needed to vote in the special election for Prop 50, but I know for darn sure we did that weeks ago. Thank goodness for the track your ballot tool or I would have yet another reason to be sleepless half the nights. Actually tonight’s reason was nightmares about mosquitoes. Ick.

Today was rough. Lots of management stuff which means hearing people’s frustrations over other people that are being genuinely awful and can’t be reined in (for stupid reasons), and getting called out by exec management for not achieving the impossible. So just another Monday? I got through it all, along with the weekend backlog of work, plus a side of doing someone else’s job because they’re too green to do it themselves (which might sound resentful but I don’t resent them, just the situation). I’m exhausted. But the anger and frustration had me too keyed up all day to relax even when I made myself step away to cook part of dinner. I ended up working late into the night.

FYI! On Monday, November 3rd, Microsoft will start using your LinkedIn data for AI training. And remember, you’re opted in by default. To toggle it off 👉 Account – Settings & Privacy > Data privacy > Data for Generative AI Improvement.

Year 6, Day 190: Even though I know we do a fair bit to help folks, I tend to struggle with the feeling of buying anything nice for myself when I “should” be using that money to help others. Every dollar I spend on my family is fine (food, clothes, books, tuition), but fun stuff for me tends to feel guilt-laden. I usually go to our bank accounts to self soothe but even doing our net worth early for October didn’t generate a lick of dopamine today. It just set off a new mini spiral of anxiety over whether this will disappear like smoke after we’ve worked so hard, and what else do I need to shore up and protect what we have so we can keep helping other people. Whoof.

We’re coming into the last two weeks of a major migration at work and I’m both going to be so glad when it is over but also dreading the two weeks after the whole thing goes live because that’s when all the real problems start cropping up. That is also doing a number on my anxiety.

Year 6, Day 191: Launched the fundraiser today. I was trying not to get my hopes up buuuuut too late. I hope we gather enough to help folks.

We had a four hour (“stray” dog) rescue operation that ate up our whole evening unexpectedly. The situation both made me think: oh wow, I really need a dog AND ALSO NOT RIGHT NOW. I’m absolutely too tired for a new dog and all the integration work that would require. The dog was a bundle of contradictions: must have people because she’s chonky, but had zero manners whatsoever; bonded to us immediately; reeked like she had been living on the street for years (which meshes with the no manners thing). Animal control came by (turns out our animal rescue unit is open 24 hours! Good to know) and we learned her name, that she’s 6 years old just like Sera was when her owners gave her up, and also that her owners suck. I really hated giving her back. Animal control was sad about having to deliver her back. We all worked together to help her into the kennel safely and with the least amount of stress possible, but the poor baby was very scared when she saw the van. She’s a repeat customer and the whole situation is infuriating and heartbreaking.

Year 6, Day 192: Fall fundraiser total: $725! I’m still recovering from yesterday’s dog saga, work stuff and nonsense, and still need to delve into the numbers for open enrollment. I think all my brain is used up because now we cannot decide where to go tomorrow with the kids. PiC is the clearinghouse for our kid-related social life and he’s got an invitation from one coworker for to join her and her kids in Town A, a few of SmolAc’s friends are meeting up in Town B, we were originally planning to go to Town C as always but PiC spotted a new spot organizing much nearer to us, and JB’s friend’s dad asked him about joining us wherever we go. To complicate matters even more, JB’s bestie inexplicably invited Ex-friend to join us – the kid that gossips about JB and makes nasty comments about them to other people being their back. I put my foot down without even waiting for JB to come home to ask their opinion. Even if they were willing to spend the evening with Ex-friend, I’m not. Their parents would just dump them on us to handle and I’m not signing up for that, nor am I willing for JB to have to spend their Halloween evening watching out for the backstabbing. I asked the adults involved if they could retract the invitation instead of bowing out of our invitation.

Year 6, Day 193: What a DAY. I used to hate Halloween as a kid. The need for costumes that would draw attention to me, which I hated, having to trick or treat which meant seeing strangers and talking to them, I hated all of it. My kids love it and I’m surprisingly ok with facilitating their enjoyment of the day because I don’t have to do the things I hated back then but holy ghosties is it a lot of work.

We had the kids’ Halloween parade. That was an hour in the cold with an added knife twist of the principal reminding us that this is the last one for the 5th graders. OUCH.

A few short hours later, it was time to pick up the kids and get them ready for adventure. We explored a new to us trick or treat spot and to our relief, it was really well organized and a whole lot of fun. The kids, all 6 of them!, also ran into a lot of kids they knew from different schools and that was delightful for all of them. That made me feel better about how JB-centric our Halloween plans tend to be. It’s been 10 years of what they want, and this year SmolAc is starting to have preferences too. They enjoy seeing some of their classmates so we’re adapting to this development, though they aren’t asking to invite their friends – they’re happiest hanging with JB and their bestie.

Uch somehow it is the end of October and I needed to order a slew of craft things to be done with by now but haven’t done yet. I submitted a bunch of orders, please cross your fingers they all get here before the end of next week?

October 27, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (282)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area

Year 6, Day 182: I woke up at 5 am with hands curled into claws. My fingers, stiff and swollen, couldn’t be straightened. At first I was confused but then I realized I’d done this to myself. The kids needed outdoor exercise time yesterday but my skeletal pain was so bad, I couldn’t take them to a park. I sat in the yard to play catch with them and have them run relays. Whoops. I could throw and catch yesterday, but that meant giving up the use of both hands for a while today.

I’ve been taking my anti-depressants in the morning for 5? days now. I think(?) it helps a bit with the lack of motivation and the rage during the day. It doesn’t help with the worrying over other people’s lives: bestie’s upcoming biopsy, a friend’s relationship is falling apart in an unexpected and painful way (where it’s not anyone’s fault) but their partner is also acting erratically so I worry about their financial stability especially in this economy. I know of at least two sets of people in my social online circles who are becoming unhoused or on the verge of. I give but I can’t solve these huge problems alone. I also feel so helpless now that I can’t rally any assistance from connections online. This feels weirdly isolating. It’s not about me but it’s miserable seeing so many people’s worlds fall apart.

I found a baggie of cleaned frozen mystery fish that a friend of ours caught. I decided to just bake it with some lemon juice, salt and pepper, and hope for the best. Buuut it was awful. Just terrible. Luckily, after I choked down several bites, I realized what it needed and whipped up a little bowl of mỡ hành from our countertop green onions. It was so much better. Childhood recipe memory to the rescue! This is why I hate cooking fish, I am used to eating really good fish from home recipes but I never learned so everything feels subpar.

Year 6, Day 183: After 4 hours of nightmares and 3 hours of trying to “rest” because I couldn’t force myself to get up predawn to get some work done, I had giant claw hands again today. I popped on my Peculiarity Shop rings for some sensory input that isn’t pain and carried on. Thankfully I had an unplanned and surprise gap in my schedule midday and instead of forcing myself to push through, I laid down for an hour. It made a real difference. I’m trying to be better about finding spots to rest when I feel terrible.

Bright spot, my crow friends visited today! And one of the usual pair is getting VERY brave. It was coming in faster and closer than it’s ever done before, and even hung out waiting for more treats even after we started puttering around in the driveway getting ready to leave. Usually that’s when they take off and put distance between us. Today they either waited on the roof or the car, and even hung on the driveway while I gently tossed treats in their direction.

Year 6, Day 184: Each night I try to sleep, fail miserably, and the next morning I struggle also miserably to stay awake as the sleep was worse than the night before. This week I’ve been trialing a combination of my full dose of prazosin for the nightmare warding, and a time release melatonin in hopes of having more peaceful and maybe prolonged sleep. I can deal with fatigue but that on top of the side effects that come with this much bad sleep, swollen painful hands and wrists plus the All new! Not improved! TMJ like pain because I’m clenching my jaws for hours, are a bit too much. Fingers crossed I can figure out a regimen that helps my body stop making everything bad worse.

SmolAc is aggrieved that they’re being left at TK without any family to keep them company or lovies to cuddle all day every day so each morning, they and JB conduct increasingly dramatic farewells. Bye! Byyeeeeee. Byyyyyyyeeeeeeee! One of these days, they will hit the exact note of melodrama that they are going for.

I defrosted chicken but couldn’t remember what I meant to make with it. PiC decided he’d take that chicken and make fajitas! He had to stop and pick up more ingredients which is a showstopper for me but he did and got dinner together. What a relief.

Year 6, Day 185: 6 lbs of bacon, green and grey. 💔 I don’t know what happened but my bacon all went bad. ☠️😭 Thankfully it was all Zingerman’s bacon, so they were very pleasant about replacing it.

In better news: the prazosin is warding off nightmares and I think I’m getting a handle on when to take it to minimize the side effects now. The extended release melatonin does nothing for me so I’m still waking up 3-5 times a night but it’s more of a muzzy fuzzy waking than the clenched fists-and-face, stress and anxiety dialed up to 12 wakings I’ve been having. Definitely an improvement. My jaw isn’t tender and out of whack which means I can eat! And chew! Glorious! My shoulder and knees are shot but heck I can hobble around with boulder knees, that’s fine.

Year 6, Day 186: Loads of work stress, but a temporarily reasonable amount of work waiting for me specifically today meant I could take the kids to the Halloween carnival thing at PiC’s work. They’re getting to dress up a few times this year, which is nice, they’re getting a good lot of mileage out of their costumes, and these things are mostly fun. Loads of free food (middling good) that the kids loved: hot dogs, nachos, cupcakes, brownies, rice krispie treats. SmolAc even liked the pasta salad.

Far too much time on my feet though, between 3-6 pm, and I paid dearly for that at night.

*****

I’m thinking about all the stressors of the world, people being on the verge of losing homes, SNAP benefits, having no income during this furlough, etc etc, and if I can scrape up the energy to put together a fundraiser to do mutual aid and the like. I will think on it.

Then I read this from Cat Valente and remember how good it was when we could help folks and maybe we can do this again?

Tiny Adds Up: Unshittification and The Pawshank Redemption

October 20, 2025

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (281)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area

Year 6, Day 175: Friday me: we won’t need to turn on the heat for another month, it doesn’t get all that cold here.

Today me: Freezing, looking for my cozy socks. Sigh. I wonder how much of this storm is responsible for how terrible I’ve felt for the past several days. I feel this kid’s message. But 7 days, not just 3. I’m so over work and unbelievably high pressure.

We have a table of weird dimensions so when I wanted a replacement tablecloth, an hour of hunting only produced a whole lot of irritation that nothing would fit for a reasonable amount of money. Instead I bought 6 different cotton fabrics ($60) and have sewn 4 lengths of them into 2 tablecloths. One more to go. They aren’t QUITE wide enough to overlap more than a couple inches on the long side so they are almost like overgrown table runners but that’s totally fine. They cover the table enough and they didn’t cost $50 each! Bonus, I picked a fabric with a map of the states on it because I can never remember where all the states are and figured the kids could learn some geography. They haven’t yet but they like playing a game using the states with PiC over dinner so that’s a win. I did just notice they never figure out how to put Hawaii and Alaska in there which is a darn shame.

Year 6, Day 176: PiC is concerned about my stress levels which is … fair. My rage (at work, but contained away from work people) has been consistently high which means my depression is taking over. The problem is I’m not really sure what else I can do about it. I’m on my meds, doing therapy weekly, trying to carve out tiny bits of time for myself to decompress amidst the too muchness of it all. I bought myself juice boxes for tiny doses of juice sugar. I eat when I feel hungry (midmorning) and eat less when I don’t (most meals).

I do know the dead garden and lack of dogs is steadily grinding away at my nerves. The putter in the garden was stabilizing, so is playing with a dog. But the intense pain days and fatigue chasers make it really hard to borrow a big dog and the garden, well. “She’s dead, Jim.”

Except for the potatoes. I’ve been in too much pain to dig potatoes for the past month but today I had wrapped my back in a heating pad for several hours which left me capable enough to dig a small bucket of new potatoes. That digging in the dirt is strangely therapeutic in a small way even if I didn’t come up with as many potatoes as I had wanted to see.

Year 6, Day 177: PiC asks every other day what he can do to lighten my load but he can’t remove this work related Sword of Damocles over my head and everything else is almost inconsequential compared to it. He’s already prepping almost all our meals and handling all the kid dropoffs. The crushing anxiety and fear of what happens if I can’t get this ship to harbor (work), or if the world’s falling apart continues apace and we can’t stop it, preys on my mind every minute of the day.

Courtney Milan said this in her recent newsletter: I went through a period of despair and hopelessness in my late teens and early twenties, spanning the first and second times I failed out of college. I don’t want to go into details, but I often thought that it was impossible for things to get better, and there were some years where it felt like I was right. I wondered, often, if there was any point in hoping, because it would only inevitably lead to disappointment.

The thing that got me out of it was probably, among other things, hormonal changes settling as I came into adulthood, but also because I remember there was a point where, in the throes of despair, I made a decision: maybe everything was hopeless, but there was no way to find out for sure without trying.

So I started with the assumption that things weren’t hopeless, and I asked myself: if things aren’t hopeless, what would I do? And I did that thing, and either it worked, or I would discover that it did not work, and then I would go back and say, “okay, if things aren’t hopeless, I have just learned that a thing did not work. What do I do given that information?”

In this spirit, I’m trying a few small things.

• I pulled out the frozen marinated tritip from months ago and cooked it with the new potatoes. That helps the part of my brain that’s sad that I can’t/don’t prep dinner like I used to. Bonus: it was really good.
• PiC has a habit of buying green onions that we don’t remember to use up til it’s too late, frequently. This time, I cut off the greens and stuck the root ends in water. They sprouted magnificently on the first round, a few weeks ago, and I’ve cut them down again. What I learned from this is that I will use green onions if they are always out on the counter. Today I rather haphazardly potted those green onions and they now live on the counter. This gives me plant life.
• I’m taking my anti-depresssants a little earlier in the day. Actually, I’ve always taken them in the evening to make sure I don’t forget but maybe it would be better to take them at the start of the day. I’m not generally aware of my depression overnight, after all!

Year 6, Day 178: Brain fog has finally hit. I noticed that I’d been a little while between fogs last week, so naturally it took over my brain today. It feels like my brain has turned into cotton, or like it’s shutting down and going to sleep without the rest of me.

After an hour of steady decline, I gave myself five minutes to lay down before picking up JB from school and was perplexed to find my synopses were firing more clearly. Rest doesn’t usually help brain fog! Or, does it? I can’t remember trying to rest, only trying to push through. I’ve gotten better at bouncing from one thing to another instead of trying to force a hyper focus that’s unachievable in a fog, but never resting. So after pickup I crawled back into bed and rested another 45 minutes. I wasn’t refreshed as normal people are but it took me a long way toward my baseline. That’s when it occurred to me that it was a combination of actual brain fog and exhaustion exacerbating it. The rest helped with the latter, so I could feel the fog more clearly. Little mysteries. So fun.

Year 6, Day 179: Had myself a mini privileged person panic about money. We’re doing all the “right” things (spending our values, not spending on less important things, using things til they wear out completely, buying quality things so they last, prioritizing saving aggressively and investing aggressively, giving back to the community). The what-ifs (this time: fascism breaks everything) got me. What if we do all the right things and the world goes apocalyptic because the richest people cannot conceive of putting the planet before their profits or their whims, so it’s Mad Max and Thunderdome here in a few or several years. What earthly good would any of our years of discipline and wise management do then? All these years would have been wasted. Well, we enjoy things now but there’s been a lot of frugality where maybe we could have enjoyed things more – I could have had therapy and better health sooner! (Maybe) – if I hadn’t been so deadset on making sure our money foundation was as solid as I could make it these past 20 years.

I talked it over with a PF friend and she said she also has the same fears. Her spouse reminds her that we’ll have much bigger problems than money should Mad Max become reality.

That did not help me even a little, it just opened the door to more doomfears. I have no interest in trying to survive a post-apocalyptic world but I have a responsibility to my family to fight if we do survive. Ugh.

Also, they said, all the rich people are in the market and that’s where their wealth exists so they’re motivated not to let it disappear.

That reassured and also felt gross. I hate that our money is tied up in the same place as people who have a vested interest in the status quo so that we have a vested interest in the status quo when I very much think we need something better than capitalism. But we can’t refuse to play the only game in town on principle, we all have bills to play.

In the end, I’m sad and conflicted about the world we live in.