About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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January 8, 2021
1. I had splurged on some warm clothes for myself and they finally arrived! Pile lined sweatpants and fuzzy lined sweatshirts, where have you been all my life? This is the first time I’ve been able to walk around the house in a normal number of layers of clothing and not be cold! I’m calling it my bear suit. One might argue comfort and being warm isn’t a splurge, a dear friend made that exact point, but my brain would be confused by that.
2. On a whim, I picked up long beans and garlic black bean sauce at the local grocery store. Together, they made a delicious veggie dish! We finally have a veggie I won’t get sick of after two servings (I hope).
3. At least one of my healthcare professional relatives has been offered and given the vaccine.
Challenges this week: Mild grumble – why is my ortho office constantly marketing to me? I committed to treatment, you don’t need to keep sending me marketing emails! So weird.
I feel like a zombie. Sleep deprivation, OMG.
Moderate grumble: Comcast has been a RIGHT PAIN. I’ve been working “with” them (just holding onto my patience for dear life as I try to get them to help) to get our internet back up and running since before Christmas. They have definitely NOT fixed the problem. One technician did come out and replaced all the bad cabling but there’s still a problem with their network that they have identified but it’s like pulling teeth to get them to get a second tech out for this known problem.
Severe: I continue to work my way through the ups and downs of depression. The weight varies day by day.
The coup attempt at the Capitol Building, aided by the Capitol police WHO LET THEM IN, was another … I don’t even know what to call it. The fact that 45 is still trying to fraudulently negate the election results here in 2021 is infuriating.
:: How was your week?
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January 5, 2021
On Money
Income
Our primary income comes from our full time jobs. We have minimal income from investing in index funds and dividend stocks (all reinvested). We earn money on the side to supplement our main incomes. We get a bit of income from Swagbucks and cash back sites (Rakuten, Mr.Rebates). Some posts have affiliate links that pay a micro-commission to keep the blog running and I’ve added a way to support the blog in the sidebar to the right!
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
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Dividend income. We received $909.60 in dividends in December from my individual stocks portfolio. That’s definitely higher than the usual because Costco paid out an extra large dividend. I would say unexpectedly except it was only unexpected by me – they announced it in November and I simply wasn’t paying any attention to such details.
Our YTD monthly average is $422.
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January 4, 2021
Week 41 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 41, Day 284: Holiday gifts for JB have been showing up on our doorstep all month. I am surprised to find, since I love opening mail, I’m starting to have a bit of package fatigue. If they were more spaced out, that would be really helpful since, speaking of arrivals, Smol Acrobat has joined us. JB is thrilled to share this first Christmas with their very own baby sibling they get to keep without kidnapping required. I hope they still feel this way months and years from now!
My recovery is a slow process. I know this is normal, and it’s normal to take up to a year to be back to pre-pregnancy status, but I’m still very impatient. I don’t want to take months to get back to normal, I want to be on my feet 100% now. Obviously that isn’t going to make that happen so I’m grateful that I arranged more leave from work than I did with JB instead of trying to force myself back in several weeks. This time I have no desire to go back to work a minute sooner than I need to.
I’m glad that both PiC and I did, in fact, because even if we’re working from home, having to cater to a newborn and working effectively isn’t gonna happen. We’re sleep deprived zombies and glad that JB is old enough to be well trained in helping with a certain amount of chores around the house. The time we put in this summer insisting they do age appropriate housework regularly was well worth it. They do like being helpful and this way they have chores they can do to meaningfully help with baby. They feel like part of the adult unit in that sense, they are a contributor, and not just pouting that they’re not getting enough attention. (more…)
January 1, 2021
HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2021 be vastly kinder to all of us.
1. Two of my three refunds were processed without follow-up from me. Yay! I just need that last one …
2. After months of being exasperated that our only tongs and spatula were in use in some other cookery, I bought two more tongs and a second spatula. Sometimes it makes sense to spend some money to solve an annoyance!
Challenges this week: I plunged into deep depression mid-week. True to form, I was still physically functional, just mentally/emotionally thrashed.
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December 29, 2020
Week 40 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 40, Day 277: I’ve been feeling like a horrible mom to JB lately. I’m so distracted and preoccupied by: work, Smol Acrobat’s needs, my needs, my fatigue and recalcitrant body that I simply haven’t spent any time with them. I still parent – direct activities, I discipline, I coordinate schooling and tutoring and advocate for them when needed. But actual time together, just being together? Has not happened in weeks. Maybe months. I don’t even know.
They have always been more PiC’s kid than mine for the fun stuff. They are very accustomed to me needing to work at home in a way that they still aren’t with PiC, and it’s not working mom guilt that I’m muddling through. It’s guilt for not having anything left in the tank for fun and enjoying life with them after subtracting all the stressors of the pandemic and household management and caring for everyone’s needs and logistics.
Most of the time I think they couldn’t care less if I’m around as long as they have PiC. They walk the dogs together. They paint and draw and read and gallivant. They prepare coffee and lunch and goof off together. I’m not really a goofing off personality that way. They’re at a 9 on the Silly Scale while I won’t go near a 1. But I still feel bad for not engaging in those rare times they ask me to because I just don’t have any interest in anything in those moments.
There’s a touch of depression at play there along with very real fatigue and overwhelm.
I hope this will pass. I’m pretty sure I am doing my best and they know they’re loved.
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December 25, 2020
If you celebrate, Merry Christmas!
1. We will only be doing quiet presents at home this year with JB instead of flitting hither and yon. While I miss my people, I won’t pretend I’m not appreciating the lack of travel and schedule-juggling stress.
2. Refund central: I found a minute to process a bunch of returns. I was a week late on one of them and had to ask for an exception to the closed return window. Thankfully, I was able to get an exception for that item which was worth over $100 and get all three packages in order.
3. We renewed our Cal Academy membership this year to continue supporting the museum. Our compromise was to renew at a lower Family tier since we won’t actually be going there any time soon. This is more of a tax deductible donation this year. We’d splurged on the Family Plus level last year with the expectation that we’d be bringing guests with us through 2020. Clearly, that was a bust. We don’t mind supporting the Academy but we do want to allocate some of that elsewhere to other needs.
4. Our Saturday was full of unexpected treats. We started out on a bad note – I had severe muscle aches and chills which were very likely just due to my fibro and sleep deprivation but we also had a precautionary COVID test scheduled so I figured it was just as well that we’d be tested and I could be sure it’s just my usual “body is broken” random grab bag of symptoms. We decided to take a walk on a nearby trail just to get some fresh air since I hadn’t left the house all week. Turns out that the dog park was overrun with dogs and an absolutely adorable pitbull puppy kept following us around. It eventually left with its family but JB got to say hi. Then we discovered a nearly empty playground and PiC took pity on JB who desperately wanted to play for a bit. In the interest of supporting local / small business, I gave PiC the nod when the ice cream truck came around – JB got an overpriced popsicle which never happens. And then, our friends showed up at the park because they had plans to meet up with other friends. So we got to say hi at a safe outdoors site and that was lovely. But I was absolutely bushed after and needed a long rest.
Challenges this week: Our friend fighting cancer isn’t doing well. I’m worried for them. Our time left with Seamus is growing short, going by his increasing shakiness.
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December 22, 2020
Developmental Check Ins
We’re lucky to count among our dear friends and family two teachers who are professionally focused on JB’s grade level. This means we can ask the “IS THIS NORMAL” question and get an answer that’s complete and geared towards helping them improve as a good human. We are so grateful for that guidance.
Especially when they share anecdotes confirming that all five year olds are this weird!
For example, it was helpful to hear that being able to see things from someone else’s perspective isn’t a mental framework that they have at this age, that’s something we still have to help them do.
Pupdate
Sera is, currently, the lowest maintenance member of the Dependents Pack and that’s a weird thing to say. But despite her behaviors and fears, which are still definitely present and mean that she is not trustworthy off leash at all or around strange dogs, she IS the healthiest and least needy right now. I’ll take it. Oh and after 3+ years with us, she’s finally chosen someone to bond to. PiC! Hahaha of course.
Sir Seamus, though, oh boy. He’s wobbly (neurological issues that we’re managing with meds but can’t cure) which means we have to be SUPER careful walking him lest he fall over. He still does at random times as his legs just give out. He keeps getting infections, his eyes were a whole THING for months (he did get a clean bill of eye health recently though! yay!), his feet break out in hot spots randomly and hurt, his vision is going, his hearing is bad, his sniffer doesn’t sniff well. But the tricky thing is: he’s still generally a happy pup. He still declares that the post-person is a rude enemy, he’s still absolutely got an appetite, he enjoys his walks even if they are slow and wobbly. He doesn’t fall asleep upside down anymore but he does still do his Happy Rolls.
Second trimester
At this stage, I am continually overeating at most meals to make up for lost ground when I was so nauseated before. (The nausea is much lower now, though it conveniently pops up when cooked vegetables are in the vicinity.)
My level of consumption is a bit scary. I’m only eating until I feel full but the quantities required are … rather like feeding Teen Me again.
6 hearty street tacos, plus rice
Two double cheeseburgers without buns but extra lettuce and tomato
Half a tray of enchiladas
The bonus bizarre thing now is that the kiddo seems to Pac-Man chomp all the food I’ve consumed within 20-30 minutes. I can actually feel it “disappearing” chomp chomp chomp. It’s … Creepy. It doesn’t seem biologically possible or plausible but it really feels like the kid is sucking up my meal because I go from feeling too full to nearly hungry again in a matter of minutes.
Unlike with JB, I’m resting when I need it instead of pushing myself on guilt and willpower. I already use plenty of that for living through a pandemic, managing full time work while sharing childcare duties with PiC who is also working, and caring for our pups. If my body needs rest and I can lay abed for an extra 20 minutes, I do. If it’s a weekend and after an active morning, I’m beat? I lay down. Carrying a whole human is work and I’m not forgetting it like I did with JB. Especially since, though the memories are years off, I recall being even more exhausted with an infant. I will savor every bit of rest I can get now because there’s going to be precious little of that in the future.
It’s not just being more aware is making me amenable to rest though. It’s that all of us being at home removes one critical stress factor. I don’t feel the need to get up and help them get out the door on time. Schedules are less of an issue when there’s no commute to account for. There is of course still a school schedule, and work, but it’s different when you can mosey over on your own two feet.
Precious Moments
“Mom I closed the door so you would not be annoyed by all the talking in the room.” Sits down and starts reading out loud.
To myself: BUT YOU ARE STILL ON THIS SIDE OF THE DOOR.
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Me: JB, can you go get my water bottle for me please?
JB: Yes matey!
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JB: I’m sorry your work is annoying.
Me: Me too.
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Dammit!
I asked JB to read to baby because they are kicking the crap out of me, and I suggested they might be a little upset about something. They replied “oh if Baby is upset, we should just leave them alone for a while so they can calm down.”
THAT IS EMOTION MANAGEMENT FOR NON FETUS PEOPLE THOUGH. I cannot leave the fetus anywhere right now!