About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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October 2, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,886.35; Rural libraries, $346.69.
1. I made deluxe grilled cheese sandwiches (ham, tomato and cheese) for the first time in forever. I cannot remember the last time I made a grilled cheese and it was delicious!
2. Sleep eludes me most nights now (not good) but on the weekends I’m allowing myself a midday lay down when I need it. Remembering that it’s ok to take care of myself is a big step. We all (well, not JB) took a good portion of Saturday afternoon to rest instead of forcing ourselves to run all kinds of errands.
3. In the aftermath of RBG’s death and the absolute circus of politicizing her death before we can even mourn her, and the gross absurdity of nominating a SCOTUS justice to take her seat less than two months before the election, I’ve been bogged down with despair and rage and spiritually exhausted. I’m also physically exhausted for other reasons but none of this helped that. Thanks to Katherine and Cloud for sharing their actions, and particular thanks to Cloud and Nicole and Maggie for sharing actions consistently. This stuck and when I had energy, we donated to flip the Senate.
Challenges this week: Seamus’s legs were extra wobbly this week and my poor buddy fell down a couple steps. I couldn’t catch him in time, and he had a bloody nose from it.
Birthday dinner should have been lunch but the day itself was incredibly emotionally rough, and I couldn’t shake the funk until I admitted how much I’d been replacing hurt over not being important enough to remember on the day with an emotional shield of telling myself that my birthday didn’t matter, and therefore I didn’t matter. It all bubbled up in a strong sense of worthlessness on the day of. That was no fun at all. But. Weathering it was good for me long-term.
4. We enjoyed outdoor patio, far from other people, self service burgers for my birthday dinner.
5. Therapy has been one revelation after another, in session and out. As I metaphorically open up and flush out old wounds, I start to see the ways I had devalued myself as a person as a self protective response starting way back when I was still dependent on people who didn’t care about me. I am working on being less harsh because I shouldn’t have to be a horrible drill sergeant to myself to prove I’m worthy. A) it never proved anything to the parent who didn’t love me. B) it only hurt me, not them. C) it didn’t make me more lovable if I forced myself to be the most productive person ever.
It was a warped sense of logic where I decided to make myself indispensable as an alternative to understanding and accepting that my horrible parent and sibling just didn’t love me and that it was their problem. If I blocked out the latter, I wouldn’t have to face the hurt or pain of the truth. Instead I set myself up to be used and to turn their indifference into self-loathing. Lose lose.
And it led to my telling myself this terrible message: 
As I stay committed to the journey of leaving behind all the negative self narrative about my lack of worth, the less inflammation I’m encountering when I occasionally eat carbs or sugar. In January, I’d swell up like the Michelin Man after three sneak bites of something delivery. Now, I can have meals that include the verboten gluten or carbs or sugar and only feel twinges and aches. The fibro isn’t gone but the inflammatory response to food is significantly reduced.
My totally amateur theory is that removing these own self erected obstacles is removing stressors on my body so that it’s not so “on edge” and teetering on a cliff. Therefore it’s less primed to go inflammation-mode at the first possible challenge.
6. We got our flu shots done! I was flabbergasted at our HMO’s inability to give us any appointments at all online through their flu clinic scheduler. I’m glad that I emailed our pediatrician to ask for help. They called back to set us up with a real appointment rather than a one hour drive up slot and though it was a terrible experience due to having a child who is VERY VOCAL about their fear of needles, we got it done.
:: Have you managed to get your flu shot?
October 1, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,886.35; Rural libraries, $346.69.
That California uses prisoners to fight fires and then deports them is sickening.
That the IRS finds it more efficient to audit the poor than the super wealthy is no surprise but it’s also incredibly frustrating to read.
A sobering look at America from another perspective: “In the last three months America has lost more people than Sri Lanka lost in 30 years of civil war. If this isn’t collapse, then the word has no meaning.”
I went through this explainer for the propositions on the CA ballot and found it a very helpful summary. Thanks, Cloud!
I thought our real estate adventures were moving fast, but Ali and Alison powered through their home purchase in a blink of an eye.
Penny and her family bought a new to them car. I’ve spent a long while thinking we needed to replace one of our cars this year as they age. They are both past 200,000 miles so it’s only a matter of time. With the two big dogs and the long distance driving we do a few times a year, it seemed best to be financially prepared for the inevitable. But with the pandemic, we’re not traveling. Where are we going in 2020 that requires luggage? Nowhere! It’s probably not happening through some significant part of 2021, either. So I have another year to save up.
Grasshoppers
September 28, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,886.35; Rural libraries, $346.69.
Week 28 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 28, Day 192: I skipped therapy last week and I have to wonder if that lack of release valve adds to my Monday frustration level. I didn’t sleep well or deeply, so that could be the problem too, but end result: I was on edge all day.
It was a two oatmeal bar kind of day and I felt like I was overindulging but it was my sugar free gluten free treat and darn it, I needed a bit of something good today.
Or I could have just been feeling sick because I was fatigued, who knows!
Belatedly I remembered that I’m supposed to work on not blaming myself for every time I feel sick or tired or overwhelmed or in extra pain because that’s both not knowable and counterproductive. Blaming myself isn’t taking responsibility or a means to diagnosing the issue as I’d believed, it was just another way to be mean to myself which causes extra stress and pain.
Sounds a bit woo woo but changing my self talk has honestly helped reduce both intensity and duration of pain flares, which I may have mentioned before, so an attitude adjustment was in order.
For a while now I’ve been playing the worst game of figuring out why I feel like X or Y or Z: pregnancy or pandemic?? And in the end the only answer that made sense was: yes.
Seamus’s eyes, from that long worrisome period where he had a terrible eye ulcer, are finally in good shape again!
Week 28, Day 193: My roller coaster day. Started in a weird mood, and I was touchy about every little thing. Then overseeing kindergarten and having to hear the teacher praise the kids sixteen times in an hour for “being so smart” aggravated me further – hasn’t she ever heard of the fixed and growth mindsets?? Please. Stop. That.
With Penny’s kind assistance on some wording, because I was too irritable to be polite yet, I drafted a diplomatic email to the teacher asking her to focus not on “smarts” (what is that even in five year olds) but on effort and time. We’ll see if she actually replies or responds positively. There are a lot of things about her class that I find to be subpar but I can let them go. Fostering a fixed mentality though, I can’t.
I also don’t love that she keeps mistaking my kid for another Asian kid in the class and scolding them for the other kid’s actions or inactions. We keep an eye on JB from a distance so we know when they are following directions and when they aren’t. We wouldn’t intervene anyway because we know we should let the teacher manage their class, but there have been multiple instances of JB being scolded when they were actually following directions. I’m not quite sure how we’ll approach that but both of us will observe for a while longer and then deal with it.
(more…)
September 25, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,816.35; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. I’m grateful to have already purchased the obligatory nibling holiday gifts. They should be ready for delivery well ahead of any holiday rush / election-related USPS breakdown. I want all our holiday stuff done before Halloween. In fact, I need all holiday things OFF MY LIST before a busy and bizarre holiday season.
2. I’m also very grateful we won’t be traveling for the holidays this year.
Challenges this week: I’m not sure how much more loss I can take. May RBG’s memory be a blessing, may we do all the work to honor her memory and her body of work fighting for us.
3. We had a masked and distanced dinner and a movie (doors and windows open for air) with a couple of very local friends, and it was lovely. I even played hairdresser and cut our friend’s hair (masked, outside). I was whipped by the time they left but it was nice to have some fun. We always stay isolated for at least two weeks after any get together. It’s been four weeks, in this case, but we are generally isolated anyway. Our county’s infection rate remains high. Even if things now just feel surreal, we are still mindful that there are too many people who don’t take this illness seriously and we can’t trust our fellow citizens to take sufficient care to limit the spread. Even if the virus weren’t fatal to us, we simply can’t risk the impact of a slow recovery or a long tail, or worse yet, chronic lingering symptoms. We have plenty of chronic issues in this household without signing up for more.
4. A king sized bed with a headboard is a glorious luxury.
:: How was your week? Do you have anything good planned for the weekend?
September 24, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,816.35; Rural libraries, $321.62.
I hate that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has passed, and I hate that she cannot be mourned simply for the powerhouse for rights that she was.
Instead her memory is coinciding with fear: fear for the loss of rights when she’s replaced on SCOTUS, fear for the loss of the ACA, fear that the 45 will put in another disastrous pick that will determine the election. There’s just too much to worry about in the wake of her loss, and it feels impossible to simply mourn and honor her memory.
And this: “The current state of the Senate has come to this: Senators can’t even agree on a nonbinding resolution to honor Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s life, despite bipartisan praise for the late Supreme Court justice.”
I need to take a moment to honor what she fought for. Tribute: The Legacy of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and WRP Staff
Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s army of clerks to stand guard at the Supreme Court: “Besides her family and written opinions, Ginsburg’s clerks are her most lasting legacy. They began their tenures as young inexperienced lawyers and emerged with unparalleled legal credentials that will mark their resumes for a lifetime: Supreme Court clerk.”
and here: Jewish tradition calls on the rest of us to act in Ginsburg’s memory
Which leads me to Nicole and Maggie’s call to action.
***
Done by Forty: FIRE Buys You Class…Whether You Want it or Not
Done By Forty again with a whole bunch of reasons America is depressing: The justice we choose.
Chuck Feeney, former billionaire, has finally given all his money away. I find it interesting that he actually stuck to his intention to give it all away during his lifetime and how the fellow billionaires who applaud him haven’t made anything like a dent in their fortunes.
A good recommendation for seeking mental health support right now, and useful resources from Abby here.
RBG: Equality
September 22, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,797.23; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Week 27 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 27, Day 185: After the weekend we’d had, I didn’t have any hopes left that Monday would be better. And it was quickly confirmed 2:30 hours in with Seamus having another accident in the hallway. Poor Seamus had to pee 5 times before 8 am. We cleaned up the first mess together, then PiC took the brunt of it, getting up with him the last three times so I could get a little more sleep. It was much appreciated, though I woke up every time I heard Seamus going click click click.
I put in a call to the vet by 8:30 to let them know it had gotten exponentially worse, and luckily the lab was back already. They were able to confirm he has a wicked UTI. That could account for all of his symptoms, fingers crossed that it does, and was going to cost $300 of antibiotics but our awesome vet was able to point us to a much more economical option: $50 for the compounded version of the medication. AND they were able to get it done by midday. I simply couldn’t take another day of scrubbing beds and rugs so I implemented an outside-every-hour policy for Seamus to ensure as best I humanly could that he wouldn’t have another accident inside. Between his constant (and I mean, CONSTANT) insistence on drinking more water every 10-20 minutes, his hourly walks, and his back legs giving out on him every other half hour, on top of having a million of the usual life responsibilities, the question is: are we going to survive this day? Who. Even. Knows.
Topped that off with accidentally spraying hand sanitizer right into my eye. YEEEEP. It’s Monday.
I do have to hand it to JB though, they did an outstanding job (calibrated for a five year old of course) of adjusting to the change of plans when I noticed PiC was flagging. Instead of art time with Dad, I explained very carefully that he was just so tired from being up with Seamus most of the night and that he really needed some time to rest. I asked them to pick a book and do some quiet reading time and leave him be. Instead of stomping off and having a fit, they were willing to pick some books and have quiet time so I could get some work done, he could nap, and I could keep an eye on Seamus and his needs.
Week 27, Day 186: We planned ahead for another tough night and it helped a bit. I’m physically incapable of taking anything like a reasonable nap and functioning after, PiC took the night shift since he can nap during the day if we can find the time. I planned to cover the day shift but he insisted on doing at least half the walks.
We caught a good air quality day and that made an enormous difference for everyone’s state of mind, if not for our level of fatigue.
*looks around* It’s mid-September.
MID-SEPTEMBER.
That’s three months and two weeks left in 2020. I don’t know how to process this information. We’ve essentially spent 6 month indoors.
JB is a very different kid from when we started this mid March: they can ride a 2 wheel bike, they are a much more confident artist and writer, they operate much more autonomously for random chunks of time. They can do a regular rotation of chores, though they still have to be prompted.
As adults, we still don’t have enough information to make more than the most cautious decisions about COVID. We can’t trust any information out of the CDC or from the federal government. We can only make our best judgments based on what seems sensible. We’re being super cautious about exposure to other people, and who we can trust to be honest, because whoever they are around recently translates into people we’re exposed to as well.
This isn’t where I thought we’d be at this point in the year, if I think back to March, but I suspected we’d be in this for a very long haul.
Week 27, Day 187: Day four? of round the clock care for Seamus. Thankfully he started going longer between outings starting at around 1 am. He could hold out for 3-5 hours at a time before needing to go out, which is vastly better than the 1-2.5 hours range we previously had. He wasn’t perky but he was actively communicating more clearly, asking for water or to go out as needed, rather than getting up 3 times an hour and wandering aimlessly.
JB and I spent the afternoon together companionably while I worked. I’d bribed them with the offer of reading some of my cherished and off limits comics. They’ve never been allowed to touch my comics before so their silence was easily purchased. They delved deep, going from Mouse Guard to Secret Coders to Gail Simone’s Wonder Woman and The All New Atom. Some bits they read, most bits they just admired the artwork. We took a break and went for a long slow dog walk, happy we could breathe the air again, with the promise they could come back for more reading time.
They immediately disappeared into the office again once we got back, happily flipping through. I’ll be using this treat very sparingly since most of my comics aren’t kid friendly but I suspect they’ll be after me for expanded comics privileges soon.
Week 27, Day 188: Everyone (but me) had a good night of sleep!!
Sad for me but glad for everyone else. Lots of derailment today, sadly. Pain levels were high, JB’s kindergarten class was disrupted due to technical problems, Sera stole Seamus’s pain medications because they were wrapped in delicious pill pockets.
My brain fog was high too, which is really great for getting work done!
I gave myself a couple short breaks to clear out some parts of my office which was also mentally and emotionally cleansing. I packed up a big bag for donations, having decided that it was no longer worth my time trying to take good photos of clothes to sell on Poshmark. I just have standard basic reasonably decent stuff but I haven’t worn these professional clothes in eight years. Seems like it’s ok to let them go now.
Week 27, Day 189: It’s always a relief to get to Friday, even if we’re all battered, intact.
Another disrupted day between managing JB’s kindergarten lessons which were again interrupted by technical difficulty and then having furniture delivered. It went relatively well and we were excited to finally have enough space in the bed except… The sheets I’d bought were too small. Bummer. The product description said we had an extra two inches of depth but they weren’t long enough to stretch over the mattress. We had to let the lovely large bed sit for another night while we picked up new sheets.
Ah well. I took solace in the fact that my outlined schedule for shifting furniture around the house in preparation for the large bed to be set up worked very smoothly and we had plenty of time for each step without stressing or rushing or a single late night. Go me! This was quite the splurge upgrade but I think we’re going to appreciate it for years to come just like we did for over twelve years after we changed from the old double bed to the queen. Lifestyle inflation? Maybe. But my body needs the better mattress, the space to stretch out, and bonus, when I stub my toe on this bed it doesn’t hurt half as much.
Also our now extra bed will go on to a second life at a friend’s house so that makes me happy.
Given all the disruption, I was grateful to be able to buckle down to work in the afternoon and get enough done to mostly not look back over the weekend on my own account. I knew I’d have to work some because a staff person needed coverage but that’s a favor I’ll do for them.
:: Are you happy with your bed size? How did you pick it?
September 21, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,797.23; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Responsibilities
JB has daily chores to do now. The process of getting a habit formed has been painful. The whining, the complaining, the moaning and flopping about! They were easier to train as a 3 year old! But they are perfectly capable of performing the tasks assigned and so we stick to it.
One chore is setting the table. On a day I wasn’t feeling well, they took the initiative. Without any reminders, they set the table with all the usual, then filled a water bottle and brought it to the table to serve as a refill pitcher. I’m not sure where their idea came from but it made me laugh. A water pitcher for the dinner table has been on my wish list for a while but I had never mentioned it!
They were originally motivated by filling out a weekly chore chart for earning a prize but with my fatigue and the fires and smoke, and Seamus’s condition, we’ve had to skip a couple weeks. However the baseline of their having daily chores to do, on a rotating basis depending on the things needing to be done, has finally stuck.
They do want their chore chart back though, and I’ve promised to get that up again.
JB’s reads
They are absolutely loving the Catstronauts (Amazon, Indiebound), Baltazar’s Itty Bitty Hellboy (Amazon, Indiebound) and Superman Family Adventures (Amazon, Indiebound) comics. They’re also starting to get into the Judy Moody series. I saw Judy Moody at Comic Con last year but didn’t realize it was age appropriate already.
More parenting!
Some quick math: Seamus + JB who is definitely not a baby any longer + Sera + one baking baby makes four.
Just in case we had failed to add properly, JB likes to tell us we will have FOUR kids to take care of.
Yes. Yes we know.
They’re pretty excited about the new sibling. Seamus may care when the new arrival actually arrives but he’s too old to worry about helping me like he used to. I’m trying to train Sera to come help me when I get beached but she’s still too twitchy. She gets scared when I try to lean on her a bit to get up. She’s into babies, though, and is going to have trouble resisting bestowing dog kisses. We know where that mouth has been, no dog kisses thank you.
Pupdate
It’s been a while since I did a separate pupdate and I have decided *grand gesture* that we’ll combine them with kid updates. Why not. They’re all my dependents.
Seamus is aging more rapidly than we can bear. We adore him and it’s hard to see this. He’s got moderate to severe arthritis which we’re treating with All the Things to help keep him comfortable. He’s been developing neurological issues, like knuckling when he stands and walks, or misjudging distances and overcompensating or falling. He always gets back up but I dread the progression of this aging. We baby him as much as we can, he’s earned every bit of it and more, and I have pangs of regret wondering if there’s anything else I should and could have done for him. I know I’ve been doing everything that I actually can but it’s hard. He’s been prone to UTIs this year and he had a rough several months with them. We thought it was in our rear view but yet another nasty infection cropped up this month.
The funny thing about his getting older though, he’s finally less saintly with his patience. Where he once regularly let Sera share his water bowl, they would drink at the exact same time which is a hilarious sight, or even taken a step back and let her have the bowl first, he now just takes first turn at the bowl as his due. He always should have, he’s twice her age! But even as recently as last year he’d defer to her politely.
While she doesn’t understand most dogs, any kind of signal from him is respected. He only had to knock her head out of the water bowl once when she started to crowd him. She’s never again tried to shove her way in to share like she has done for the past two years. Since then, she just behind him to wait her turn. Some days, she won’t even drink if he’s outside until he’s back in and has had his drink first! She gets very little direction from him but whatever she gets, she takes very seriously.
We were working with a dog walker before COVID to give her some extra exercise once a week but that wasn’t very long before we all had to shelter in place. Since then we have had a lovely friend share some reactive dog training tips and information which has helped us recalibrate our expectations and our approach to her training. We’d hit a plateau in April and I was despairing. But we came to understand her fear a little better thanks to the dog training advice of @themariadawn and we’ve been seeing small but real improvements. I’ve noticed her looking at other dogs that would normally put her on high alert but then look up at us for a treat instead of lunging for the other dog. Previously, even dogs a block away would set her on alert. She’d stay alerted and tense until they were long out of sight. Now she might bounce with a bit of anxiety but she’ll stare at dogs across the street intensely, and then allow herself to be redirected. Lots of treats, lots of positive tones, and lots of forward motion all help us stay safely on our side of the walk. I hope she’s not reactive forever but it certainly felt that way for a while. We’re making some progress.
Precious Moments
Mindreading
JB: Mom, what’s that thing we eat?
Me: The what?
JB: That thing!
Me: … what color is it?
JB: Pink.
Me: What shape is it?
JB: Round.
Me: When did we eat it?
JB: That time with T!
Me: ….. cotton candy?
JB: YES!
When Avatar: The Last Airbender and reality collide
JB: Why are there SO MANY FIRES.
Me: Well for some of them, people are making bad choices and making sparks in dry areas where they can catch fire. That’s not all of them but the ones we know about are because people are being careless.
JB: What if it’s actually the FIRE NATION?
Me: Well, the Fire Nation isn’t real, that’s from a story.
JB: BUT WHAT IF.
:: Do you remember having wild flights of fancy as a kid? (Or do you now?) Also it occurs to me that the titles of these monthly updates should change to plural now.