About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Simple crafts I might actually do this year, thanks for the tutorial, Kristine! (The drawstring bags! I will make shoe and laundry bags for travel, they will live in our suitcase.)
I adore food prep posts like this from Frogdancer. I might not be able to do all the same kinds of prep but it gives me IDEAS. And I’d like tips on doing this sort of thing sustainably as well.
Just as Hugh Jackman is Wolverine for me, a diehard Marvel fan of old, Chris Evans IS Captain America. I’m sad to know he’s done though I realize 8 years is a long time to be playing one character if you want to keep doing new and challenging things in your work. Thanks, Cap / Chris.
Instead, current research suggests that prevention should focus on those perceptions and behaviors that did strongly predict assault. Although they’re often referred to in the literature as “personality variables,” they aren’t immutable characteristics any more than personality itself is immutable. “There’s a small number of sociopaths, but there’s a lot of it that’s cultural,” Testa said. In other words: Are these men supported by peers who also voice negative attitudes about women? Is it considered socially acceptable to look for the drunkest girl at a party and try to take her home? Are there social consequences for young men who ignore consent?
It was perhaps the one thing Mom never understood about me and even somewhat feared in me. She once asked me not to get “too involved”. There’s no doubt it’s led me to make foolish choices, and was the driving force behind my first not wholly honest transaction when I dipped into the coin dish without asking permission or forgiveness to fish out quarters to buy a book from a classmate in first grade. I would have gotten away with it entirely too if it hadn’t been for a teacher telling my parents at parent teacher conference time. I loved books more than food or sleep and honesty, drilled in me deeply, was only forgotten once in my sheer madness for books. Mom never understood it and she probably wouldn’t understand why I foster this love in her grandchild. PiC doesn’t have the book hunger either but he willingly goes along with feeding the flame, reading JB’s current favorites night after night after unforgiving night.
I know JB isn’t here to be our second act and I’m not trying to imprint a clone of either of us but of all things ze could have from me, let it be my love of reading and love of money management. One will feed zir mind and comfort zir soul, the other will help keep those together with a nourished body.
It will of course then likely be the source of many sleepless nights as ze will likely choose to read until four in the morning given the chance but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Even with the memory of the sheet scorched 28 years ago when I unwisely draped it over a naked bulb to hide the light from my parents. I’m the reason we shouldn’t have nice things.
I taught JB how to wash zir own hair months ago, but then the skill just sort of laid there, unused. I wondered about it but kept my mouth shut and carried on washing zir hair as usual. There was the usual amount of manipulation in that “as usual”. Grouchy JB would gripe and moan about not being ready to have zir hair washed the second I started washing it. On good days, I would just agree and say, ok then if you’re not ready, rinse the soap out! I wonder when ze is going to realize that by the time ze rinses out the shampoo and realizes I’ve put in the conditioner, we’re already 3/4 of the way there and I’ve tricked zir. On bad days, we’d fuss at each other and my cleverness would be out the window. But the hair would still be washed, by me.
Out of the blue, ze started taking down the bottle of shampoo intending to wash zir own hair. I just made some suggestions on how a smol person might more easily pour shampoo from a large 30 ounce bottle into one’s hand and stood back. Ze took the initiative to lather up. It wasn’t thorough at all but I didn’t criticize, preferring to let zir make it a habit more than caring about it being done well.
Ze was being out and out rude the other day as we prepared for bed, then threw zir toothbrush at me. Ze didn’t have the gall to throw it so that it connected – I think we’ve established that that triggers the nuclear option. But it was definitely at me. And we do not throw things as an act of anger in this household. You’re allowed to beat up a pillow – you’re allowed to punch and kick a pillow if it’s time to Hulk out. But throwing things is not allowed.
I looked zir right in the eye, looked at the toothbrush (which was at the end of the 6 month span anyway), and tossed it with toothpaste smear and all right in the trash. Zir bestie has gotten that before. But we’ve only had to threaten it before.
Now, I don’t believe in bluffing so I choose my threats carefully. I have to follow through on them, every single time, if JB doesn’t get zir act together. But there was a moment of petty satisfaction when ze realized that if the rules are clear already, as in I’ve already said that you forfeit your belongings when you throw them, ze doesn’t merit a warning when ze is pushing the boundaries. It’s just going to happen.
There were so many tears. But then ze straightened up and stopped being QUITE so defiant. For about ten minutes.
Make better choices!
Speaking of discipline, I’ve been working really hard on keeping my cool when JB is openly antagonistic, defiant, and sulky. REALLY hard. So instead of raising my voice, I lower it. I breathe deeply to oxygenate my brain (and incidentally as a big red flag for zir that ze has left DefCon 5 and the numbers are now ticking downward).
We almost always give zir a chance to correct the behavior unless ze has slapped, kicked, bitten, pinched, hit, or otherwise physically harmed someone. The chance is generally: Should you be [doing the bad thing] or should you make a better choice?
If ze hasn’t gone to another world in zir head, rage world, then ze will stop to think and choose “make a better choice”.
So petty. SO SO PETTY.
JB: I don’t LIKE your turtles.
Me: Ok.
JB: I DON’T like your TURTLES.
Me: I didn’t ask you to like them.
JB: I don’t like my UNDERWEAR
Me: Ok.
JB: I DON’T LIKE MY UNDERWEAR.
Me: Ok. Maybe you can like them tomorrow.
JB: NO I’m not going to like them EVERY DAY.
Me: Ok, wear diapers then.
JB: I WANT DIAPERS.
JB: Can I have a yogurt?
Me: Yes, but only after I take a bite.
JB: Why?
Me: Tax.
JB: WAT.
Micro-income, freelance: I eked out a trickle this month. In any month we travel, even just a long weekend, the routine disruption eats up all freelance work time. That stinks – travel costs money and it also costs the opportunity to earn extra. +$80!
Micro-income, Craigslist: PiC knocked out a sale at the end of the month. +$50!
Micro-income, credit card churn: We finished our minimum spend on the Citi Thank You Premier this month and I am contemplating how to convert those 50,000 points. I think 30,000 will turn into Target money to cover normal needed household spending. I haven’t decided about the other 20,000 points yet but my goal is to use it only to cover necessities and thus preserve $500 in cash flow.
Teaching your kids about consent. (This last bit really really doesn’t work for JB though: “With parenting, something I heard is that when little kids are melting down—say, lashing out and generally being terrors—it means that they’re yearning for connection. So even if it goes against your instincts, what you can do is kneel down and give them a big hug.” If you want to see how fast a three year old can try and rip off your limbs, I have a model case right here. Hugs before ze is ready is a HUGE NO.)
Are your kids addicted to television? Mine is a bit, obsessively asking me some weeks “is this a tv day?” but surprisingly, it doesn’t (so far) have the effect I was worried about. In a stunning indictment, though, JB told me one day that ze was going to pretend to be me. When I agreed, ze put on fake glasses and said BYE I GOING TO WORK. You don’t know me!
N. K. Jemisin put it perfectly when she said “Golf Digest to the rescue” ain’t peak 2018 but it’s definitely not a sentence I ever expected to type… For Valentino Dixon, a wrong righted
The price of relevance is fluency: “You see, there is no “Twitter mob”, there’s only people. And people shape culture, and culture evolves. But in the past, the powerful could keep themselves isolated from the way culture evolves, if they wanted to. Janet Jackson didn’t even know what Hot Cheetos are!“
PiC and I were having one of our talks about life and stresses. He’s going through a particularly rough time at work right now with no specific end in sight, and in our discussion, I had a realization that may be incredibly morbid.
I am not deeply stressed by our three kids (2 and 4 legged alike) because this is all temporary. Parenting woes, power struggles, training a new to us dog, juggling work and relationships, love and friendship, finances and fun. All of it will go away. JB will grow up and leave. If we’re lucky, ze will always want to come back and spend time with us but no one can see that future. The dogs, honestly, will not live for 20 more years. Everything in front of us, including the mortgage if we’re diligent but not the house if we’re lucky, will be gone from our day to day lives.
Nothing is permanent. Nothing stays the same forever. Whatever good I have in front of me, it’ll go away. Whatever bad I’m staring down the barrel of, it’ll pass.
I know what it is to lose a parent, to lose the people you love and cherish and respect, to lose people who have just been getting started in the world. I know what it is to mourn and to have the edges of grief blunted, to have their memories fade with time. I know that in years to come, we’ll lose more because life is also aging and dying. I know that that’s going to happen with us.
Somehow, that thought galvanizes me. I try to do better, be a better person, be more humble, be more confident, love hard and authentically, whine less (a little less). Our time here is short. It needs to matter to me because it doesn’t matter to the universe as a whole. The vastness of how little I matter as this tiny speck in the cosmos is reassuring.
This makes my life with the responsibilities I chose, that I got to choose, feel light in comparison to the weightiness of the day to day pulls on my time and energy. Obviously I get stressed in the moment, of course, after the third go-around with the 3 year old or fourth meltdown of the morning but way deep down, I still have an even keel because objectively this is the best I’ve ever had it. Everything that’s tough right now? Is here in my life because I got to choose it. The very privilege of getting to choose my life, life companion, family, friends, and a hobby, even? Boggling. I’m grateful for that choice.
I’ve lost so much over the years to illness, to my own body’s frailties, that I cannot help but be all in on what I get to have now. Tired? Sure. Frazzled? Yup. Worried, uncertain, furious about the state of society? Absolutely. But overall? Grateful for what I do have.
The first question is always: are we over-committed financially? If we aren’t, then it shouldn’t be a problem, right? We’d just tighten our belts for a while and ride it out with our cash in hand.
Answer: not with two jobs. Also true: to my disaster brain this means yes, we are over-committed. We should be able to handle all our expenses on one income. That’s one area I’m extremely sensitive to – this mortgage really messes with our financial position. I’ve reduced it by nearly 1/3 and recast so that our monthly commitment is several hundred dollars less but it’s still not anywhere in the neighborhood of low and low is what we’d need for me to feel like we weren’t over-committed. Mortgage aside, having children is a serious financial commitment between basic childcare and saving for college for them. If we wanted to add to our family, that’s a huge expense we’d be adding and I hate that we have to look first at the price tag and second at the joy (and pain) of having children.
The second question is: are we prepared for expensive life events and emergencies? In my previous experience, one spot of bad luck is absolutely manageable. We’ve absolutely got that covered. My previous experience also says that bad luck doesn’t tend to happen in ones, they tend to be a streak. I’ve planned just fine for a limited series of bad luck but not beyond more crap than two job losses. Compound that and we won’t be able to hold out as long as I projected. So that’s another sensitive area these fears keep prodding with a sharp stick. See, that’s what fed my cash hoarding. This fear that says putting lots of cash into the stock market now “right before” (except hah, who knows when “right before”really is) a market correction or crash makes us vulnerable to financial ruin and that cash hoarding will fend off financial ruin.
If I can’t convince someone that giving is a worthwhile endeavor in and of itself, and I’m forced to keep them in my life despite their being a terrible person because who doesn’t believe in caring about more than yourself (??), perhaps Matt would be more persuasive.
I am sick to my stomach of all the people who are ok with how men and boys treat girls and women. I see you not speaking up. I see how you support this culture. GIRLS MATTER. And I am sick of the people in the comments section acting like the vast majority of rapes aren’t credible reports because of the rare false accusations out there. It just keeps on with the protect the boys narrative as if boys can’t be better than this, as if they can’t possibly be expected to take responsibility for their actions while the body count of their targets pile up. The only concern these people have is about the future of the boys while the people they actually hurt, by the thousands, are told they don’t matter: Girls . . . are human. Girls are not there for the benefit of helping boys to turn into men. They are not there to be soiled and then tossed on the heap while boys go out and buy themselves a whole new look, a whole new life.
If you don’t want men to be dragged down by decades-old accusations of rape, then you need to crack down on minutes-old accusations of rape as they happen. But that’s not how it goes. Still, even now, that’s not how it goes.
