About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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September 13, 2017
IT ME
Someone has developed self awareness.
(JB: Me!)
Me: Someone ate all my crackers.
JB: ME!
PiC: Someone doesn’t have the-
JB: ME!
Pic: -best hand-eye coordination.
PiC: Someone’s made a mess here.
JB: *proudly slaps chest* ME!
Consequences
Sometimes JuggerBaby gets so frustrated by a no, or life, that ze gets rude, sulky, and throws things. Now, being frustrated is normal. That happens. But ze isn’t allowed to throw things in anger – it’s hit me, PiC, or Seamus in the past and that hurts!
Ze requested goat pictures and a book and conditional permission was granted: after ze got socks and shoes on. For some reason, probably impatience, ze was struggling and got mad at the socks for not just getting on zir feet. The socks went airborne, and the goat pictures were forfeit.
My voice got quite level and stern, “you’ve lost goat pictures, the book is yours to earn or lose.” The shoes went on the wrong feet, then the right feet, then, “may I have goat pictures, please?”
“No, you threw your socks so that means no goat pictures today. You have your book.”
“May I have goat pictures, please?”
“That’s a good ask but the answer is still no. Remember throwing your socks?”
*nods*
“That’s why you can’t have goat pictures now, throwing socks is not ok.”
“May I have goat pictures please?”
“No, but tomorrow you can try again, without throwing socks. If you do, then you can have goat pictures.”
“Oh. Ok.”
Freedom and sleep shenanigans
We didn’t have enough going on, so JuggerBaby thought it’d be HILARIOUS to climb out of zir crib and fall overboard with the loudest thump you ever did hear.
SpiderBaby this kid is not.
I soothed zir and back to bed ze went, but softy that he is, PiC decides to release zir from the crib the next day, converting it into a toddler bed. Ze really is getting too long for this small crib but it’s “home” and ze will fit for a while longer.
Honestly we could have released the wee beastie months ago but ze was content and so were we.
Now, though. Now ze has had a taste of freedom. And ze is a mixed up pile of not knowing what to do with it. One night, ze insisted I stay in the room with zir. So I did, and ze caterwauled for 15 minutes before dropping off to sleep. Another night, ze kept trying to snuggle with me which was cute but awkward. I hide my illicit phone activities under a blanket but when the toddler insists on being Big Spoon and then pops up with a “what doing, mama?” every couple of minutes, ze is bound to catch me in the act of blogging or emailing.
Most nights involve a little chasing back to bed. The novelty of being able to slide out of bed physically, not just sitting in the cage stalling for time, is a delicious heady brew and ze can’t get enough of it.
But mama has her ways. One night I shrugged and said I’d sleep in zir bed, then. “No! I sleep own bed!”
Another night I stood watch at the door for a few minutes listening to the giggling and in zir amusement, ze forgot to make a break for it.
Occasionally PiC intervenes but I often shoo him away. He takes every single wake up, every painful morning, without fail so I insist on sticking to my end of the bargain. Night calls are my calls.
It’s a mixed bag, honestly, but we’ll see if ze settles down soon, for good.
After naps it’s like ze forgets the prison door has been unlocked, and hollers for Daddy repeatedly. When I show up at the door, ze asks: may I get out?
It’s a slight improvement on when ze would holler for me, specifically to tell me: I want daddy.
Really? You called me in here ten times to go get daddy?
Yes. Daddy please.
Dietary development
Something weird happened this summer: salad became desirable! It started when we shared a Costco Ceasar salad. Ze has an obsession with dipping foods in sauces, and lettuce into Ceasar dressing was a match made in heaven. The next dinner salad that was served turned into a greens massacre, leaving us adults with only salad toppings and frisée to eat. Frisée being, as any civilized being would know, not nearly green enough.
Brain development
The contrast between this month and the month ze turned two is unbelievable. At that time, I thought we were DOOMED. Ze was irrational, demanding, and melted down at all possible provocations, including breathing the same air as ze was breathing.
Now, though ze has moments of frustrations or even tantrums, a semi reasonable child is about five minutes away with a bit of space and even tempered handling. Of course if you get cranky and snappish, it escalates, and boy howdy does it escalate. And of course when we’re tired, that’s exactly what happens until everyone is cranky.
Precious #parenting moments
Me: Put on your pants.
JB: I can’t.
Me: Why?
JB: My hands broken.
***
JuggerBaby snuck out of zir room in the middle of the night, cackling. Spun around to run back in, full speed into the door. BAM!!!
I laughed so hard that ze laughed, too.
It’s pretty clear that JB has inherited the Complete and Utter Klutz gene from me.
:: How did you learn that actions have consequences? Do you remember changing your mind about any particular food that was previously anathema?
September 11, 2017
Preparing the place
It takes me an hour, after several weeks of packing and shoving things into temporary storage, to hide away all proof we actually live here.
I could maintain a show ready house at all times if I got rid of a full storage unit of furniture, books, toys, comic books, records and junk, and I spent 2 hours tidying and cleaning every day.
No, thank you.
I fully intend to get rid of a good portion of that stuff once we’re moved. But as much as it’s nice that the floors are gleaming and all surfaces are clear, the result doesn’t bring me nearly as much joy as spending the time on something else instead. Like cooking for my family!
I managed to do take out on paper plates (the imagined “easy” way to do it) exactly once during the show season. The very next day I couldn’t bear it and whipped up a nutritionally balanced and even good-lookin meal. That’s where the satisfaction’s at!
Decisions with the California timeline
Our market in the Bay Area has cooled from a white hot frenzy to just a frenzy. The spring and summer were literally unbelievable. Homes were selling a couple days after being listed, even before the scheduled open houses!
Our sale period going into the fall, delayed from the original plan to list in the summer because there was a good solid chance I’d be checking myself into an institution otherwise, meant that we expected a slightly more sedate pace.
Even the slightly more sedate pace meant a great deal of planning for a ton of activity in a short ten day window, though.
First, identify all repairs needed. You wouldn’t think it was necessary given how much some of the literal teardowns were going for but again, we missed that period.
Second, gather all ye olde paperwork. We had seller disclosures to fill out, HOA documentation to hunt down, and a stack of papers to sign.
Third, this is where the timing gets tense – in the same week, and in this order: get the repairs done, the photographer in to take photos for the listing, decide on a listing price and dates and times of your open houses, write the MLS listing and post it, get the inspection done (why? See here), have the place deep cleaned and from there on keep your home spic and span because interested buyers may schedule a visit any time after you’ve listed.
*deep breath*
We listed on Monday, had a broker tour and inspection on Tuesday, and open house on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday.
Offers were due by Wednesday, 9 calendar days after listing.
You wouldn’t think that we would have time to take a breath, much less be worried, with such a compressed timeline. But I’m a pro at multi-tasking so not only was I keeping our home show-ready, my family fed, my work done, I was also being a Nervous Nelly and officially a wreck by Wednesday morning. I was convinced that my timing, and the horrible political situation, combined to mean that we didn’t have any motivated buyers and our pricing strategy was going to come back and bite us.
Thank everything (and everyone rooting for us) that I was wrong on that score.
The negotiation
We had some very solid offers. In keeping with the cooler market, though, no all cash offers for us.
We had a handful of offers, two stood out as good offers. They were good for different reasons and also not good for different reasons. Our strategy, after discussing all factors: price, contingencies, strength of the likely loan applicant, the lender’s experience with this area (because we’ve had some regional difficulties that have tanked loans in the past), was to ask the second highest offer (B) to beat the highest priced (A) offer.
I know that seems counter-intuitive but this is why it made sense: A’s lending situation seemed iffy. Asking someone to adjust their lending situation isn’t an easy ask, though, and the agent was also insisting that we do some unnecessary work, citing (wrongly) mandatory regulations which we already met. B’s offer was weaker because it had more contingencies and a lower price, but those are things the buyer can personally choose to change if they really wanted to. Offer B also wasn’t wrongly insisting that we fix things that aren’t actually problematic, and their preapproval was with a reliable lender we’ve already worked with in the past.
Our other approach was to have our agent initiate a conversation instead of just writing a counter and sending it without comment. This allowed us to informally negotiate and come to an amicable agreement quickly and easily.
B’s agent and our agent hashed out the details and our agent came back to us with a much cleaner proposal. The follow-up matched the money A was offering, didn’t come with extra work, and conceded the appraisal contingencies. Given the pre-approval with a reliable lender, keeping only the loan contingency worked for us so we wrote up the official counteroffer and by the next morning, we had a ratified contract.
You wouldn’t think a “small” thing like asking for one repair would be a dealbreaker but in this market, it can be. With all the plates that we’re spinning, I don’t want to take on even half another thing to worry about, and their request wasn’t a small thing.
Now, what’s next? 30 days until closing.
We have to be appraised, their loan has to be approved, we have to finish work on our new place, and we have to move by the date that we close escrow.
There’s going to be a lot of breath-holding while all this is happening, you already know that. Even though this seems like a good buyer and loan situation, anything can happen and that little catastrophizing prepper voice of mine won’t stop reminding me of that until the money is in our hands. Thankfully it’ll be evened out with keeping busy and reminding myself that it’s just a tense time but worrying over it won’t help anything.
I haven’t even touched on how much I hate change, so this entire process has had all my switches flipped to “NOOOO” for weeks. That’s probably why the catastrophizing voice gets so loud these days.
:: Have you ever had to sell a home before? What’s your least favorite thing about moving? Most favorite?
September 4, 2017
On Money
Income
Our normal income comes from two full time day jobs.
We experiment with earning money on the side, including minimal cash flow that we don’t touch from an investment property and investing in dividend stocks.
Some side income comes from Swagbucks, selling clothes on Poshmark which is hit or miss, and tracking activity through Achievement (my introduction to it).
The long term goal is to replace our day job income before my health declines enough to prevent me from working.
*** *** *** (more…)
August 30, 2017
I see some form of this question off and on in the various forums I haunt.
We’re in an Extra Hustle chapter of our lives this year and are hanging on by the skin of our teeth: all our conversations revolve around how we’re going to survive the coming day (taking shortcuts, cutting or trading errands and commitments) and the house. I’m sick unto death of discussing house stuff nonstop but we still have a ways to go.
When we’re not, we manage with just the two of us. Our family members with kids all have at least one grandparent actively supporting them, on a daily or weekly basis, if not both sets of grandparents. That’s never been the case for us, and a few years back, I was pretty freaked out about the prospect. I had to mull it over for years. No amount of reassurance allayed my worry.
In the true spirit of my alma mater, I had to learn by doing.
Childcare
Daycare: JuggerBaby is in daycare five days a week. For nearly $2000 a month, they’re open from 6:30 to 6:30 which is highly flexible for both of us, though we run late enough that we’re occasionally rushing in before they’re closing.
To save money ze was enrolled part time for almost a year. Full time is awesome. Ze loves it, I preserve energy. PiC was the sole chauffeur because it was on his way to work, but after ze started full time we compromised. I now go out of my way at least weekly to drop off and pick up so that he can have a bit more freedom those days.
Babysitting: We’ve struggled to find anyone in the right age group to watch JB. We ended up hiring a daycare teacher to pinch hit on occasion. We tend to avoid babysitting in small part because this year has been amazingly expensive on the home front but also because we tend not to prioritize going out. That’s not JB’s fault, though, we’re staying-in types.
I do feel it’s important that we hire zir at least quarterly to make sure we’re still considered clients, though!
Bonus help: Very occasionally, we have house guests who also love playing with zir. This gives us an odd hour of reprieve now and again. Our most recent house guest was an absolute unlooked-for godsend – he would always play with JB when ze charged out of bed in the morning or stampeded home at night. This happened at a rather crucial time in our household and freed us up to discuss decisions that had to be made quickly and jointly.
Parenting
This is distinctly different from childcare which is not a replacement for parenting. Childcare is a critical supplement to our lives and I’m thrilled there are so many people who love JB outside of zir own little family but it’s our job to raise our child.
We’ve joked that I’m always the Bad Cop, he’s the Fun Cop. This is true. But we both remain responsible for being patient, disciplinarians, and educators. Sometimes one of us can’t keep it together, and the other has to step in. Thank goodness there are two of us because whoooo that child can push our buttons.
Careers
We’ve both earned promotion and raises in the past 3 years – the same three years that include my pregnancy and the first two years of JB’s life. It’s not to say that I haven’t taken a hit for motherhood, I have. It still pisses me off. PiC didn’t take a similar hit. I realize that it has a lot to do with the size of our shops so I’m willing to consider that might have been an isolated incident, if I don’t see signs of that issue being repeated.
We’ve made huge adjustments to our jobs and haven’t suffered unduly for it: we work fewer hours, became more efficient. We fit in work around the odd shape our lives take, force our schedules to be flexible and we’ve both taken hits on our productivity. We rotate who takes those hits by prioritizing very specifically for what’s important to our jobs.
Important ground rules makes this work.
Pre-children, my work hours were sacrosanct. I wouldn’t take a single personal phone call during my work day. Now, I walk the dog, run two errands, get back at my desk to clear my emails and guide my staff all in the morning. Rinse and repeat for the afternoon! PiC never had that rule but he also can’t bring home 90% of his work, so when he has to work in the evenings, I cover bedtime to give him time. For my part, I once worked 7 days a week, and late every night, so now I only work week nights if it’s critical.
We’ve been lucky that even while growing in our roles, we haven’t increased our travel time. Heck, I’ve minimized my travel over the years, which is the opposite of many senior roles in management. This may not last so I cherish it.
My chauffeur days are scheduled on days that PiC usually needs the coverage. There’s an implicit understanding that if I’m feeling 14/10 pain or fatigue those days, he takes over. There’s also an explicit promise that he doesn’t get to make that decision for me, I have to. The problem we ran into was that he was trying to look out for me, and didn’t trust that I would ask for a pass if I needed it. He wasn’t wrong that I avoided it but it was because I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t over-extend himself trying to spare me. We were both well-intentioned but stupid. This agreement works better – I have to make the call and he rolls with it. If he can’t accommodate, then we’ll figure something else out.
The person who has a meeting or phone call gets priority. If he’s running late for work, and he’s driving – that sucks. But if he’s running late and has a meeting – I take over and chauffeur. For me, we only clear the decks for the important calls. Not all of them are and those calls don’t get the same consideration. I also schedule more of my calls for the afternoon to keep our mornings calmer.
This helps us make decisions on the fly because we both struggled with being over-accommodating. Much trial and error, and a few spats over misunderstanding, got us to this point. Now we have a better handle on what’s grumbling about running late and what’s truly important.
I firmly believe that, like alcohol, being a parent just brings out that which was strong in ourselves anyway. I guarantee that we didn’t always get out the door on time when it was just the two of us either!
Around the house
Most non driving days include tidying, cooking dinner, and doing laundry in addition to my regular 9-to-5 work. PiC prepares all breakfasts and lunches. On my chauffeur days, I do our grocery shopping – produce is best on weekday mornings! But I don’t take on additional housework. Unless I feel like it. Sometimes the soul needs to do laundry before it can process another stupid email.
Ideally, PiC should hit the gym on my driving days but sometimes he just gets more work done. That’s his call but once in a while I will press him to make sure to get that workout in – it’s better for our mental health.
Dog walking, feeding, medicating, twice a day, five days a week: me.
Final evening and weekend walks: him.
Wash and put away dishes: both.
Swiffers: mostly him.
Vacuuming: mostly me.
Trash, recycling: mostly him.
Money mgmt: all me.
Clearing the table: JB
Car maintenance: all him.
Putting away groceries: All of us. No one touch the yogurt or JB will have a fit, though, that’s zir job.
JB is responsible for giving Seamus his evening treat, throwing away Seamus’s trash, putting laundry in the wash, and wiping up spills.
Whoever uses the last of something is responsible for refilling it and too darn bad if you’re the one who hit the end of the cooking oil five times in a row, you refill it (AKA me). PiC runs all the other physical errands (getting gas, bathing the dog, stopping at the store, etc). We maintain a reasonably clean and near-tidy home, no one’s looking for Housekeeper of the Year awards on the back of anyone else’s labor.
The point is that we operate on the good faith that neither of us are looking to dump work on the other.
The friends and family plan
Outside of our family life, I work hard at maintaining friendships and like-family-ships. I choose to eliminate toxic people from our lives intentionally, and likewise intentionally dedicate time and support to good people.
When things are temporarily out of whack for us at home, with work or each other, or JuggerBaby is taxing our patience to the very limit, this outside support keeps us upright. This keeps us from boiling over at each other and causing real, permanent harm, and gives us much needed perspective.
The lessons we’ve learned in getting here
- Learn to speak up when we need to change part of the routine, whether we want to introduce change or not.
- Have conversations in the moment, not confrontations after you built a head of steam.
- Prioritize! You WANT to get fifty seven things done. You NEED to get ten of them done today.
- Look for ways to relieve your partner’s burdens and volunteer. Your partner should do the same.
Being proactive means that you can have faith that no one is dumping work on the other and that you’re both doing your best. Or trust, rather, since I don’t believe in operating on blind faith. Your partner is who your partner is – can you trust them to be your best advocate? I can. PiC always looks out for my best interests and I do my best for him. With that trust, resentment can’t get a toehold.
:: What does balance look like for you? How do you create balance in your life or relationships? What’s the toughest part of finding your balance?
August 28, 2017
Interrupting this regularly scheduled post to say a few words about Hurricane Harvey. This weekend has been physically critically bad for me and it’s even worse for the people in Houston who were hit by the storm. If you want to help, please consider giving to some of the organizations below that I’ve found while reading the updates on the storm and rescue efforts. I know the Red Cross is an easy choice and if that’s what you can do, great. But local and smaller orgs also do important work and don’t have the same funding opportunities so I’m highlighting those.
Texas Diaper Fund. I’m hearing that disaster relief agencies don’t provide diapers. Babies always need diapers and can you imagine the added stress of losing your home and needing to find basics like diapers and formula? Using cut up materials like shower curtains after Hugo gave the poor babies horrible skin infections – let’s make sure they get the supplies they need.
Portlight focuses on disaster relief for disabled people. It’s hard enough being rescued or helped when you’re able bodied. Even worse when you’ve lost your mobility aids or badly needed medication or other critical to survival aids. I know that one day without my pain meds would be excruciating and I’m not even among the worst off.
Team Rubicon is a team of veterans who help on the ground and have a special fund for those affected by Harvey.
Humanity First is a disaster relief NGO that’s partnering with Muslim Youth USA to help in Houston.
And of course animals are always displaced by these natural disasters so thank goodness we have people helping here as well:
SPCA of Texas, Houston Humane Society, Austin Pets Alive!, San Antonio Humane Society
Notes – the best thing to do if you’re not local is give money so that the people on site can easily get the supplies they know are needed. Donations of actual things being shipped in creates more work for the volunteers who have to figure out what to do with them.
***** Back to our regularly scheduled post *****
[Part 8] I can’t even tell you how tired I am.
I could try, but words haven’t been invented for the exhaustion created by taking on a massive home renovation, selling the home you’re living in, working full time, while raising a toddler and tending to our senior dog, as a chronic pain and fatigue person.
If such a word exists, it’s probably in Japanese or German. With JB’s language skills burgeoning, who knows, maybe we’ll discover that word soon!
I’ve spent several days literally shaking, like my glucose levels just can’t perk up, gritting my teeth to get through the day, and hoping that it’s just stress and fatigue that’s affecting me. They definitely are affecting me, I’m just hoping that’s the only cause of this marrow-deep, three tons of pressure crushing my bones feeling.
The work itself
Our biggest drain is all the decisions we have had to make every single day. For example:
- where to place every electrical receptable,
- where to place every single light fixture,
- picking every light fixture,
- figuring out what our style is we stand amidst the dust and the bare walls,
- buying all the cabinetry, hoping the colors match what we’ll have to pick later for our walls, tiles, wood, or carpeting that we can barely conceive of right now,
- picking said wall paints, tile styles and colors, wood, and carpeting,
- deciding what appliances we’ll take or leave in the old place, so that we buy the right things for the new place.
Each decision by itself isn’t a big deal but it’s a relentless march of several decisions a day. Day after day, it’s been decision after decision, big and seemingly small.
Even the smallest decisions can have huge impacts, like when we decided to place our receptacle on that part of the bath wall. What we didn’t realize was that it would impact the height of the side splash, which affects the placement of the mirror, and so the mirror had to be smaller.
Or like the walls in one room aren’t straight because this is an old house but we didn’t realize it until we had already purchased our flooring and so the wider floorboards look terrible. It’s going to be fine in the end but each hiccup takes away precious brain processing space.
The money
We’ve burned through all our cash savings now and have blown through the personal loan fund from a very dear friend. We’re incredibly lucky to have this resource, and incredibly grateful, and you bet your buttons that my checkbook is ready to repay them as soon as we have the funds back.
My stash is keeping me sane, but it’s still frustrating to spin our wheels financially. We can’t do anything but keep trying to get the work done here, the work done at work, and not spend beyond reason. We are spending, though. We’re spending on the house, we’re spending on selling the old place, we’re spending to keep ourselves fed day to day.
We’re not buying any more than is strictly necessary for a functional house. It’s going to be prettier than I was looking for, but these were all careful selections of things that were needed to consider the place finished. We couldn’t very well run around on a house with no floor!
Seeking serenity
I’ve been working hard at maintaining my Zen. Really really hard. Lots of deep breathing, lots of biting back grouchy words when I’m about to lose my temper.
I’ve inherited two legendary tempers, it’s taken decades of practice reining it in. If it should get loose, watch OUT. Thus, legendary control, my friends. Fraying a bit around the edges, but still holding on.
The occasional craving is now being entertained. We bought the fancy cheese and it’s a minor miracle we still have some Brie in the fridge. PiC was shocked to come home and find half a wedge left.
It feels like this slog is endless and that’s what’s kept me going. As long as it felt like I had time to get it all done, the stress was about keeping a lid on my impatience to be done. Once we hit the halfway point, though, it meant that the pressure was really on to see it through to the end.
I’m amazing at getting through things, but I’m not great at being finished with them. In this case, it’s because being finished with the reno means a whole new world looms in front of us: moving, leaving our home, making a new home, and CHANGE.
I hate change. My oh my do I hate change. Isn’t that rich, coming from someone who works on change every day?
:: Do you love or hate change?
August 25, 2017
Have I complained before about being terrible at side dishes and vegetable dishes? If I haven’t, here’s my declaration – I absolutely struggle to get a side dish on the table for every dinner for balanced meals. I hate cooking veggies. Too often, the effort required to make a GOOD side veg is more than I can manage, and the plain veggies are yukky. So I’m proud to share 4 quick and easy veggies that I’ve made the past few weeks!
All of them involve a dash of garlic salt and onion powder, and a saute pan, and pretty much the same cooking style.
Broccolini or fresh veggies
Ingredients
Half pound broccolini
Spices
Directions
This was my first time cooking broccolini so the timing is a little iffy, but here goes: Heat oil in a saute pan at medium heat. Toss the freshly washed broccolini in and cover with the lid for about a minute. Note: I deliberately toss the veggies in when they’re still wet, I like the nice blackened bits effect it has.
Flip the broccolini over, cover again and leave it to steam itself for another 2 minutes. If you like your veggies softer, leave them in longer. I like mine to have some crunch. Plate the broccolini and sprinkle with both the salt and powder.
I’ve done this with: snow peas, regular broccoli crowns, and Chinese broccoli with shredded bamboo shoots. ALL GOOD.
Frozen veggie medley
Ingredients
All frozen:
Green beans
Edamame
Corn
Bell peppers
Peas
Spices
Directions
When you have nothing fresh on hand, only frozen, this works pretty well! Heat oil in saute pan on medium heat, throw in all the veggies except peas and cover immediately. Give it about a minute and half, toss the veggies. When they look like they’re softening, toss again and add the peas for a minute.
Spice with a light hand, these veggies are lovely when they’re allowed to shine.
:: Does anyone do better than I do with vegetables? Please share!
August 23, 2017
My reply to Harmony’s question (What scares you the most about being a parent?) turned into a post. Of course it did! There’s so much about parenting, the inherent responsibilities, and to some degree helplessness, that I worry about.
As the good kid who took few risks, I worry about holding my JuggerBaby back by thought or attitude, but also I worry so much about zir safety in this world. It’s gotten meaner and colder in many ways since I was a kid, though I know for a fact that there are a lot of wonderful, amazing, supportive people out there too.
The best thing I feel like I can do in a situation where I have no control is to make sure ze knows that ze can talk to me about anything no matter what, and that there’s always another sensible adult who has tried silly, stupid, risky, or scary things and grown up to gain some wisdom from it to ask if ze doesn’t want to ask me.
I hope that ze will take acceptable risks and live the best of zir life, and have enough pain to build character but so much pain that it leaves indelible scars.
I hope that ze learns that there are people in the world who are terrible, awful, horrible humans and it’s ok to call evil by its name – like the neo-Nazis in Charlottesville. That there are people who will manipulate you six ways to Sunday for their own personal gain or amusement – like my sibling. That there are people so entirely selfish, and such utter blowhards, that the harm they do to you is just collateral damage in their eyes – like my mom’s siblings. But I hope there’s a way for zir to learn these things without having to be exposed to them daily like I was.
I’m scared that of all the things we try to teach JuggerBaby, the lessons won’t be heard and ze will turn out to be someone we don’t recognize or even like, like my sibling did.
I worry that I won’t be here for JuggerBaby the way ze needs, for all of zir life. I worry that if I do end up crippled in ten more years, ze won’t be able to see the example I’ve always tried to set for zir – work hard, work smart, advocate for yourself, advocate for those who can’t speak up for themselves without being harmed for doing so, leave the place at least a little better for your having been there. I believe in showing, not just telling, when it comes to real life values.
Financially, I don’t want zir to experience the same pains that I did but I have no interest in shielding zir from even most of life’s bumps – it would be far worse in my eyes to cushion zir every fall and end up with an adult who still needs zir mama to do all the accounting to make sure ze has money at the end of the month. Ze has got to make bad choices and mistakes early enough so that ze has time to learn from them and recover, my competence with money can’t be the reason ze doesn’t understand why ze should not carry a credit card balance in zir college years.
We can’t be the parents who sheltered JuggerBaby so much that ze has no idea how much grit ze has.
I have to take comfort in the fact that I got this far in life being me, which wasn’t always a good thing, and yet somehow nurtured enough loving friendships to feel supported and to know JuggerBaby is well loved even if most of my family is too toxic to allow in our lives. I’ve had to come a long way to be a good enough person that I’ve not been embarrassed to look in the mirror, and I know that JB has to take zir own journey to become a compassionate, caring, canny, strong and generous person. At least I hope that’s the goal.
And in today’s world, I hope that the worry about nuclear war doesn’t come to pass, and that humanity will stop trying to completely destroy itself whether by allowing the rise of facism and Nazis in America, or because we’ve bombed ourselves out of existence. Our kid’s generation should be better than we were, not worse.
It might also be a good idea for me to stop watching cop shows. Law & Order alone has given me more nightmares than I care to think about.
:: What do you worry about for the next generation? What did your parents worry about for you?