About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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May 23, 2016
Sarah Jeong’s experience with someone getting hold of her account and routing numbers confirms that I’m not paranoid about bank accounts. I’m exactly worried enough.
We have to give out our routing and account numbers to receive payments but, as her experience shows us, money can be withdrawn that way, too, without any authentication or verification required.
Fifteen years ago, before there was actual proof or anecdotes that giving out my account information for deposits was a problem, Dad asked me for them both so he could deposit some cash for me. That in and of itself wasn’t an issue, but it did raise a question mark in my mind.
The bank assured me that my account and routing numbers could only be used by non-accountholders for deposits but they didn’t back up any of those assurances with facts. It was a very “trust me” moment. (Needless to say, I don’t.)
How I protect my money
That left me with an uneasiness that never went away. When I started simplifying all my bank accounts, after the wonderful days of 5% interest yore were a distant memory, I still opened 2 extra accounts.
We have a joint checking account where all our money gets funneled. I keep one month of expenses there. The cash that I need easy access to goes into a nearby savings account, the cash that doesn’t need to stay liquid, is immediately transferred to be invested or into the Super Secret Locked Up Bank Account.
We have a second checking account for the real estate investment property: income is auto deposited by the property manager and the expenses are automatically paid every month. There’s not much left at the end of each month, but there’s some. That overage is swept into a savings account too.
This way, if anyone gets the account and routing numbers of either checking account and manages to finagle a withdrawal, I’d be out a month of cash and Really Annoyed but at least the damage should end there.
:: Do you worry about bank security? How’s your banking set up?
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May 20, 2016
Mood: Inspired
- We put everything on our SPG card for the Starwood points that earns. And yet knowing this, I’m still surprised when I review our credit card charges mid-month and see a $1000 total, think “oh, only $1000.” ONLY? Well, yes. Food, utilities, baby supplies, household supplies, car maintenance, gas, medical stuff, dog food and medications, everything goes on that card. “Only” $1000 is pretty good. My reality is so weird now.
- Come to think of it, I don’t know why AmEx is so nice to me. They only make $95 per year from me and I net at least 3-5x that amount in hotel room reward redemptions annually.
- I notice that Amazon has changed their return process so that they have two options: refund to original payment method, or Amazon gift card. They don’t tell you what the original payment method was, and it defaults to Amazon gift card. I’m sure they were counting on this: I was in a hurry processing my last return and assumed it was paid for by a gift card to begin with so I zoomed right through that screen. Pay more attention than I did, especially if you’re returning big ticket items. You want that money back in your pocket!
- Blackout blinds! Does anyone have them? We’ve been thinking about them for a while and I’m not ready to commit yet. I’d love to know if you’ve had any experience with them or recommendations.
- PiC said to me this week, after some family time: I don’t want to leave (the family) and go to work. I would rather stay home and raise the JuggerLB, so I fully support any plans for early retirement. Music to my ears! Of course, I conduct our finances as though he was fully on board with quitting his job in ten years anyway, it’s just nice to have his enthusiasm about the prospect. And I like that after family time he wants more family time, not to just get away from us like some people.
- As usual, when the whole family came down with some sort of viral junk, JuggerBaby recovered in about 4 hours and the rest of us geezers were laid out flat. Baby germs are the worst!
:: How did you fare this week?
May 18, 2016
Rictussempra!
I leaned back against the side of hir crib as ze stealthily, unsteadily, inched away from me, leading with hands gripping bar by bar, heading for the opposite wall. No idea what ze was after. I couldn’t see from my position and I wasn’t trying. It was easier to peep through the bars and catch hir eye, then dramatically fail to hide behind this crib bar or that slat. Ze took the bait, reversing course, shaking with increasing ebullience after each of my faked gasps of horror.
A baby predator, more enthusiastic than skilled, catching the scent of weakness and running it to ground with cackles like fireworks, bright bursts of delight, a lopsided grin showcasing nearly five Tic Tac teeth. Dropping to all fours on final approach, ze menaced me like a tiny tiny bull, bobbing forward, backward, threatening to leap and smother me in drool and laughter.
Ze dissolved into uncontrollable chortles and I want it to last forever.
Who’s the boss?!
Ze clambers up, heedless of danger to life or limb, to plop into our laps or atop our legs with a book in hand, imperiously opening it to a page, and pushing it up to our faces with an insistent “‘ey!”
Read it to me!
When we’re both in the same room, ze insists that we share reading duties. I read one page, ze takes the book away and places it in PiC’s hand. He reads a page and a half, ze switches again.
I think ze learned this from Seamus. He used to insist on specific turn-taking when we played, too.
Temple of Doom
After an 11 hour daycare stint, I braced for impact. LB loves the place but an 11 hour day of playing and socializing with, in all likelihood, no more than a one hour nap had the potential to end in tears (hirs) and bruises (ours). This wise mama had dinner ready by the time they walked in the door, and what a grin it was on that child’s face when we said hello. It was hardly believable but not pushing our luck, we quickly started to feed the beast. Not quick enough. Within several bites, and ten minutes, the excitement of the day came crashing down, and ze flopped over sideways in hir chair, trying to navigate a spoonful of mashed potatoes into hir mouth, piteously crying. Considering hir aim when upright, that effort was doomed.
Ze sat up abruptly and alternately stretched out hir arms to me and yelling at PiC “Ma-ma! Pa-pa!” while he went for the bedtime bottle.
Once freed from the confines of the high chair, ze was all grins again, cackling for peek-a-boo and stood to dance in the bath when the joy was too much. Best moments of the night, I thought.
Dressed and damp, we three laid on the bed together, Seamus stretched alongside the bed to complete our set, and ze drank hir bottle. We normally put hir to bed solo, freeing the other parent to spend a few minutes cleaning up but it’d been a long day.
Hir drinking flagged, tiny fists curled around the bottle drooping lower and lower until I lent a supporting hand. The “enough!” push back never came. Ze drained the bottle but gripped it tighter. Tentatively, PiC produced a second bottle and we tried to extract the first but ze grabbed it back with both hands, insistently. We tried again. This time, the second bottle slid in place the split second after the first was released and success!
Then I realize we’re celebrating the tricking of a one year old so that does a little number on the self esteem. But only for a minute.
:: Do you triumph over children? Are you a mess when you’re tired or hungry?
May 16, 2016
I found a dime in the couch cushions, which never happens by the way, and not ten minutes later, PiC stole my thunder with his goof.
The man is practically perfect in every way but he does have the occasional humanizing flaw, and this particular one happens to be the kind that drives me right up, over, down the wall again.
He misplaces things.
It’s always something important: wallet, credit card, sunglasses. (And he likes his sunglasses so of course they’re nice ones.)
This time it was his iPhone – he had it when he went to run a last minute errand in the evening. He didn’t have it when we were clearing up for the night.
!!!
After we both tore the place apart looking for it, he realized the last time he remembered having it in his hand was at the store. And remembered setting it down and thinking DO NOT FORGET THIS. For my part, I knew he took the phone and could not for the life of me recall seeing it in his hand when he returned. I knew that didn’t mean he didn’t bring it back but, well, the chances are ever not in our favor in these things.
Don’t Panic! (oh, we panicked)
For us, the three most important things about our phones are the pictures we take on them (thousands!), access to personal data, and the cost of replacing the handset (hundreds!)
The first problem was covered, mostly. Both our phones are set up to back-up to a server. I hate that his phone only runs the back-up when it’s plugged in to charge. It makes a certain kind of battery life saving sense but it’s a crappy feature because if it went missing during the day before being plugged in to charge for the night, we’d lose a day of photos. Really cute family photos, as it happens.
The second problem had me in a silent tizzy. See, after a bit of research, the Internet confirmed my fears. If your phone is picked up or stolen by a scumbag, the best case scenario there is they wipe the phone and sell it. The NOT best scenario is that the scumbag is an enterprising individual and uses the power of existing hacks to hack the phone with the data intact. That means PiC’s emails and various apps would be as unto a Giant Buffet of personal information for the entrepreneurial jerkbutt.
I sent PiC on a mission to change all his passwords for his emails, at least, and then we’d figure out the rest of the apps and access thereof.
The third problem was bubbling away in the back of my mind, not least because I still haven’t replaced my handset yet: $$$$. Unprepared as I am to pay $400-600 for a new smartphone (even though, yes, I do a lot of work on it), I am less prepared to spend double that for two new phones. There was an almost unfair amount of grumpiness in my belly as I tried to digest this grotesque bill.
What we should have done before losing the iPhone
Now, if you’re smart or self aware, you can take steps to protect yourself before losing your iPhone that will help you out if the unhappy event occurs. I do most of our technology set-up but was chagrined to realize that this was something I’d neglected and he couldn’t remember if he had done it.
Know your security features and, as my Filipino mama would say, turn them things on! Go to your Settings, iCloud, and Find my iPhone. Also, turn on “Send last location” – if your phone is on the last drops of battery life, it’ll send its location at that time before it dies.
I’m being very specific to iPhone as we go forward because I have an Android and most of this doesn’t apply to users of my ilk.
After we lost the iPhone
We’d turned the place upside and shaken it. No phone. Searched the premises of where it was last seen, no phone. Checked with security to see if anyone had turned it in, no phone.
It was late, and only getting later, so as he considered whether it was worth leaving a note at the presumed location of the loss, I texted his phone with a contact number. I had a feeling that it wasn’t worth doing because as late as it was, no one was going to hunt down security to give them a found object, phone or not. They’d likely not see it til morning, and so we wouldn’t know til the next day whether a Good Samaritan would have handed it over or if it was really missing. But there were a few things that we COULD do.
Use the Find My iPhone feature! You don’t need the app to check on your phone’s whereabouts, you can check it on a desktop. When you use this Find my iPhone feature, it turns on Activation Lock so that your Apple ID and password would be required to open up the phone. If you can’t quickly track it down safely, turn on Lost Mode. This will remotely lock your phone with a four-digit code, displays a custom message with your phone number on your Lock screen, and keep track of the phone’s location. It also suspends the ability to make payments using Apple Pay, if you use it, until the phone is home safe. Unfortunately PiC hadn’t turned this on, or we might have saved ourselves a lot of trouble.
Make sure you have the ability to brick your phone: Remote Erase. If you’re sure it’s never coming back, my personal recommendation is to brick that sucker. Mind, you should only do this when you’ve given up hope of getting it back because this wipes your phone clean and you won’t be able to track it anymore if you were doing so before. You can, however, restore the device if you do find it again so that’s good news.
Make sure that you know how to remove access to your accounts. Gmail has a handy option to revoke access to your email account to specific devices. One click security protocol, I dig that. If you have other apps, like I have Twitter on my phone, you should be able to log onto those programs / accounts from a desktop and revoke access to the missing device.
Google also reports the last time there was activity on the phone so we knew, for what it was worth, that it had synced to Gmail two hours earlier.
Make sure that your cell phone isn’t the only backup identity verification. While changing his email, PiC’s only option for one of his email addresses, if he didn’t get a security code texted to his potentially compromised phone! was to wait 30 days for a new secondary email address. This is intended to prevent hackers from slicing through your security in a neat 30 minute period, I’m sure, but it was highly frustrating because we hadn’t considered it from the lost the phone angle.
Many programs let you have two options: a backup email address or a phone number. We will be setting up backups to each other’s phones instead of our own so that we’re not up a Crap Creek without a paddle again.
Duh.
The Almost Anticlimactic Conclusion
After the two hours of high drama, trying to find the phone and revoking access to it, our friend wandered into the living room.
“Rev? Did I take your phone?”
…
We’d had a family night and friends were staying over. Forgetting that her phone was still in her purse and mistaking PiC’s phone for her own, she’d pocketed it and gone to bed. We two were talking, distracted, and never saw it happen. It didn’t occur to us for a second that that might have happened. The phone was and had been safe the whole time!
We’re calling this a cheap lesson in the importance of Stop Leaving Your Stuff in Random Places!!! and in securing mobile devices. It’s kinda like the kid who runs away to teach his parents a lesson in appreciating him, only better/worse.
Also I confiscated all phones in the morning to check everyone’s settings to make sure they were properly set up. Now we all have a handy list of what to do if you ever lose your iPhone (for real).
:: Have you ever lost your phone? Do you routinely back up your phone? What’s the most valuable thing about or on your phone?
*Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on brokeGIRLrich, Disease Called Debt and Frame to Freedom*
May 13, 2016
Mood: winding down
- The refi was completed last week and I’m still basking in the feeling of completion. FIVE MONTHS of work, finalized!
- I impulse bought a lovely purse at a boutique shop. Not a thing I normally do, but once in a while you spot something that fits your needs perfectly. All week I’d been squishing everything into an old wristlet that JuggerBaby has been using as a chew toy / teething ring, and idly thinking that I ought to keep an eye out for something more functional.This thought usually leads to nowhere but while running an errand with a friend, I spotted just the ticket: larger but not too big (too big is relative – I love “too big” normally because I like the possibility of carrying EVERYTHING I need), wristlet and cross body options, soft sturdy material, a good variety of pockets with safe places for my keys, pens, cards and even sunglasses. So pleased with it, I don’t even harbor guilt for buying it on the spot instead of deliberating for 4 years as usual.
- I finally understand what my fair skinned friends experienced in the harsh Southern California summers of yore. Instead of turning my usual peasant brown after a couple hours outdoors without sunblock (an accident!) I’m now peeling and feeling like I’m shedding my skin. I’m too old for these new, gross, experiences!Maybe instead of complaining I should be grateful it only took 5 days to hit the peel stage?
- My soul thrills for Hamilton’s Tony nominations. Loved this article on Leslie Odom, Jr. and will hope with everything in me that he renews his contract and comes to play in San Francisco and we get to go see him.
- We took a few days just for family time and I’m physically best but my soul feels rested. I had forgotten what that felt like.
- Samantha Cristoforetti, I doff my cap to thee. She wore the first Star Trek uniform into space!
How was your week? When’s the last time you were sunburned?
May 11, 2016
It feels like we’ve been tossing in the tempest, caught up in a life twister, for weeks. Nay, months!
Normally I run at 70% efficiency, sickness took me down to 40%. I regained some health points just in time for a long travel weekend (write up to come when my head is back on my shoulders), and oh, by the by, finish ALL THESE THINGS NOW.
It’s tax time so I have to review our return before signing off on the ma-hoo-sive payments to state and federal.
SoFi finally got off their collective posteriors and sent our application through underwriting after requesting additional documents in a dozen back and forth emails. (Hint, professionals ask for everything they need at one time. Clearly and in complete sentences, not half sentences and in ones and twos.) ((Second hint: professionals get the name of their own company right and don’t call it Sofee.))
Naturally, right before we left town, I had to URGENTLY sign and initial 78 pages of initial agreements. Guys, I started this process at the beginning of January and it’s been radio silence for 14 weeks. Now it’s life or death urgent. Of course!
Then I have to pay for an appraisal: $575. That same day I get an email: schedule it IMMEDIATELY. Bear in mind, we’re on the road. Then SoFi comes back asking for MORE documents and nags me for them when they’re not uploaded in 48 hours. Man, look.
While that’s going on, our estate planning paperwork came back almost completed and needs to be reviewed so I can schedule a signing. I refused to drag myself to a lawyer’s office when I was sick, there’s something about law firms that make me feel like I have to look like I’ve got my shit together. So, note to self, find time for reading another stack of serious business.
Meanwhile, PiC has been laboring mightily searching for cars. The last of the three prospectives were so close to the right fit, enough so that we thought he’d have to buy the dang thing right before we flew to Washington, but they were all half a state away. It was nearly a relief that the prepurchase inspection revealed about $3500 of repairs, ignoring the non-critical ones, so we couldn’t agree on price.
He and I had agreed that if it fell through, though there is a cost to our time, the cost of paying for a vehicle that only sort of fit our specifications was both too much frustration and money. We’d rather wait and get the closest possible fit.
With all these things weighing on our minds, and traveling to a fly-away Con with LB for the first time, the watchword has been: frantic.
Friday morning, of course the energy checks I’d been writing were cashed and my body could not pay up. So, tucked back into bed after a wearing morning ended with a sleeping LB nearby, I sent him off for a run while I answered some household and money emails. Rent’s in. Baggage problems. Taxes. Etcetera.
He sat down next to me, unreadable expression on his face.
I nudged. Go work out.
He sat.
Sighed.
Said, I hope you know you can ask me to take on some things. Even if it take me longer.
Confused.
He said, you make a lot of this (our lifestyle) possible.
It’s true, what he says. I do massive amounts of work managing our income, savings, spending decisions so we can have what we need and some of what we want. Planning for a possibly long future, planning for our family in case of the worst possible circumstances. None of it’s exactly FUN, in the sense of confetti bombs and popping balloons, but it’s a comfort to know that working my butt off isn’t squandered on someone who just wants what he wants and devil take the hindmost.
I guess what I’m saying is that a metric ton of weight on your shoulders doesn’t feel quite so heavy when you have a partner doing his share and reminding you that you’re not alone in your share either. And it makes an enormous difference that he wouldn’t for a split-second consider undermining the work I do for our family because he wants something that’s greater than our budget can currently bear, in the same way he wouldn’t take it for granted that he’s financially set because I manage our books.
It’s nice to have a quiet hour in the eye of the storm before it takes us up again.
:: Do you feel like your contributions are appreciated? Are your affairs are in order or on track to be in order?
May 9, 2016
Every so often, I think about the fairness of our relationship.
It’s in the context of my chronic health crap and how I hate that PiC has to pick up my slack. It’s also in the context of considering whether the overall load is properly balanced.
Socially, the weight is typically heavier on the women’s side for what we call “emotional labor”. That’d be the scutwork of making life smooth, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
As head of my nuclear family’s household, the division of labor was the breadwinner (me) did all the money stuff, and the non-breadwinners (not me) did all the housework. This wasn’t a mutual agreement, it’s what the non-breadwinners were comfortable with. But the part I wasn’t comfortable with was picking up after everybody when they made mistakes and couldn’t figure their way out.
In our own small family, it’s different. Our roles and contributions change depending on the day and the need. The often unnoticed work of keeping things clean, making adjustments to schedules to accommodate other needs, making the schedules themselves, and all that, belongs to both of us because we make it known. We make it noticed.
As the family financier, much of my contributions are nearly invisible in our day to day lives, but that doesn’t mean it’s without value. It’s of tremendous value and we’ll both benefit from it in years to come. This valuation doesn’t just magically happen. PiC doesn’t just read my mind and go “Ah! You’ve scored a coup for us in ten years with that move!” That would be weird. But I tell him. I say out loud (this is the key part, saying it OUT LOUD) that I’ve been working on our estate plan, or the questions with the lawyer, or the mortgage refinance. He gets mini updates and that helps him understand that I’m not just staring at hilarious Hulk gifs online all day. I could.
It’s easy to declare that I am not automatically the family secretary, maid, or nurse but these chores and labors are not static assignments, and so it’s important to pay attention to the shifts lest either partner find themselves burdened with the lion’s share of the work permanently. Believe you me, that breeds a world of resentment, snarling, and imagined payback. That’s not one of our best looks.
Scheduling
We share a calendar that we’re both responsible for adding things to. That’s not in the “if the world were perfect he would add them” kind of way. If PiC tells me something is happening on such and such a date, then I can reasonably expect that 75% of the time he’ll also have added it to the calendar. He can reasonably expect the same success rate from me.
I avoid being our social secretary by not being social and we observe a loose “to each their own” rule. If they’re his friends, he takes care of “just because” or birthday gifts. My friends, my responsibility. Same with family. He doesn’t worry about how we’ll do Father’s Day and I don’t worry about how we’ll do Mother’s Day. If I say we’re doing a thing, then he’s guided by my preference. If he wants to do a thing, then I work with that. His siblings are not my job, like my sibling is not his. This isn’t to say that we see each others’ families as chores, we simply don’t make them the other person’s emotional work. I don’t take it upon myself to worry over this person’s birthday, or that person’s anniversaries because most birthdays and anniversaries are not a thing I care deeply about. He cares, so he pays attention. He’ll remind me to send a text to whomever is having a birthday, whether it’s my side or his, because he gets alerts and I don’t.
In over ten years of our relationship, he has planned for every single special occasion celebration. Every single one. Even if it’s not something that I personally find important to do, I do cherish his effort and his love in doing so.
Nursemaiding & Parenting
He does 99% of daycare duty which means he has to come home when LB is sick. We take turns with being point parent. If his deadlines are pressing, he goes back to work. If mine are, he takes hir while I work.
He takes every morning shift, matter how painfully early, no matter how tired he is. I don’t sleep well so middle of the night wake ups are mine. He still insists on coming to check on hir with me if it takes more than a few minutes. Then Seamus comes to check on everyone! Baths and bedtime used to be his job when I was home alone all day with hir. Now we switch off so he can hit the gym some nights.
If we were to keep tabs, it’s really close to 50%.
Cleaning House
He likes a house to be clean. I like a house to be tidy. Therefore, I pick up those loose things that inevitably clutter and sweep up with my adorable new broom and dustpan. He wipes down the stove, scrubs the toilets, beats the rugs. We split things like vacuuming and dishes.
Highlight: PiC’s always cleaned the toilets in all the years we’ve lived together. This isn’t my favorite thing about him but it’s on the list.
Money, money, money!
I happily (ferociously possessively) take care of our bills, investing, real estate, savings, and taxes. He does a few bills and Craigslist sales and gets periodic update on the Financial State of the Union. I also do most of the household needs ordering from my Amazon account because I work the rewards systems for gift cards.
We each bring home a good income. I still feel pressure to keep making more because it’s my family that’s costing us a significant amount of money every year. He doesn’t look at it that way but I do. So, even though we have nearly equal incomes, I’m always 40% more concerned about stretching every dollar and saving every ten. He’s gotten pretty good at saving too.
Guest Haus
We host together. If we have friends or family staying over, we menu plan together. He’ll do the grocery shopping, and I’ll do the cooking. He’ll clean the guest room while I launder the bedding.
Everybody’s gotta eat
I am Chef, I do most of the “big” cooking: whole meals, more complicated entrees from scratch, new recipes. He is Sous Chef and reigns over all the reheating of leftovers and filling in the blanks with a vegetable or making sandwiches and soup.
He makes the grocery lists and we shop together unless I’m down for the count. It’s our family thing.
Maybe the funny thing about this is Dad doesn’t know (see above, about old household) so he cracks jokes about how we must starve if we rely on my cooking and PiC gets really confused.
On the road again
Travel planning is my domain because my heart would bleed to find that we overpaid or failed to maximize points or miles. He does some of the research and weighs in on details.
Four-leggers
All pet health stuff is my area of expertise so I take point on decision making and manage all the medication ordering. PiC takes Seamus to the vet as often as I do, and we split walking duties.
:: How do you create balance in your lives and recalibrate? When do you need to recalibrate?
*Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on brokeGIRLrich, andDisease Called Debt