About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
LB has always been a bit of a Pull Everything Off Everything and Throw it Around kind of kid. Naturally, this is great motivation to get mobile and mobile ze is. These days, we often catch hir doing pullups on the most unlikely objects, and trying to swing hir leg up on said objects in order to escape or get into something. SMH.
Ze has now scaled piles of boxes, the bed, the sofa, and the refrigerator. I wouldn’t worry if ze demonstrated a lick of sense about getting down from furniture that ze does when climbing on boxes – at least climbing off boxes ze holds onto things. Beds? Nope. Just dives off, headfirst. This kid is jonesing for the world record in earliest self-inflicted concussion.
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LB & sharing. I thought it was too early but ze started offering hir chew toys to Seamus, and then graduated to offering (forcefully offering) things to me. Ze thought I should enjoy tasting the folded clothes that ze was pulling back out of boxes and was quite insistent, mashing it against my mouth.
Ze offered hir auntie some prechewed snacks and saw right through hir fake eating motions. Ze was displeased by the fakery.
I’m seeing shades of past me and past sibling in hir.
There’s a story about how Mom once “had” to take a big bite out of a fake donut my sibling made. Heartless younger-me said: “why on earth didn’t you just pretend to take a bite? What does a kid know?” I’m starting to see why Mom just rolled her eyes, saying HE KNEW.
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Things that are absolutely hilarious to hir: Scrunching up hir face with a grin and making the zzzzzzzzz sound.
Blowing mostly-spit raspberries. This might be a holdover from pool time when ze was encouraged to “blow bubbles” (baby translation: drink the pool water)
Having us pop out from behind things going BOO!!!
Going limp when we’re picking hir up. Just because. Not even because ze doesn’t want to go where we’re going, just because it’s fun. Ze also likes to hang onto furniture and hang backward as far as ze can like the tiniest gymnast that could. Then occasionally forgets to keep holding on and lands on hir head/butt. Still doesn’t stop hir.
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“No!”
Ze has been hearing this since Month 4. No, we don’t tantrum to get our way.
No, we don’t chew on electrical cords, do you want to end up like that puppy who could only lick out one side of her mouth?
No, Seamus doesn’t want you to check his mouth while he’s eating! He’s gonna bite you accidentally and then feel so bad about it.
Ze still reacts to “no” with a grin and does whatever “no!” referred to, faster.
That’s my kid.
Speaking of Not Foods, we’ve officially joined Club Dog Food. Oh yeah. That’s right. LB found a dog bowl with kibble in it (fools! fools!) and sure enough, a handful went into hir mouth. Five kibbles later, I’m pretty sure I got them all but I’m not going to feel guilty if I didn’t. You’d quit diving into a chompy infant’s mouth after they sprout a couple of ivories, too.
I swear, ze bites more than 20 years of dogs combined.
Things we enjoyed…
We were reading regular books to LB because we like stress and fending off grabby hands. Ze loved it too, spending most sessions trying to “turn pages” more than listening (anyone who’s seen an infant knows that means “tearing them out”).
We are now converts to the board books, only about 6 months after they would have been super useful. What? We’re fighting clutter.
Three months after LB was born, life was less than ideal. I was restless, impatient, and struggling to find my place again. And any clothes that would fit.
Then: The closet’s my usual target for a shakedown when I’m feeling antsy but it makes no sense to weed out clothes until my weight settles. The possible casualties of a post pregnancy body:
Two “new” bras that are two Christmases old. Suckers aren’t cheap! hadn’t They didn’t get into rotation before falling pregnant (as the English so elegantly put it) so I don’t get back to normal, I’m out $130 for new bras.
$100 for the tailoring of my wedding dress that has pockets and fit Old Me like a glove.
On the other hand, at least two pairs of shorts would fit me if I stay this size.
Now: I’m still shedding pounds, months later, so the closet is only undergoing organizational changes. No layoffs yet, but a few rehires.
Then: Just one among many things that are uncertain at the moment.
Now: Still true. Less a feeling of frustration and more a feeling of anticipation, though. A touch of the resting winter, preparatory to a new year?
Then: Our taxes can’t be filed by April 15. I hate having to file an extension.
Now: Still hate this but it may not be the case in Tax Year 2016!
Then: I’ll have to return to work sooner than I like and I don’t know how well that’ll work with LB’s lack of schedule.
Now: Not having answers wasn’t a disaster. Surprise!
Then: If I want to branch off into my own projects sooner rather than later, this requires a commitment to the one most likely to produce some kind of income. Don’t know what that is, yet.
Now: I still want to but until I can make a few hours to test the right thing, I’m working on the writing project.
Then: Seamus is rotund and I’m not sure if it’s diet or exercise related. It’ll take some time to sort him out.
Now: He had put on ten pounds of sympathy weight. We cut back on his food and increased his outings, and he’s back to his svelte self. Incidentally, that meant I was getting more exercise more regularly but I didn’t lose much more weight til the Great Flu of the summer and fall. Nothing like disease to manage your weight. /sarcasm
Then: LB is changing every single day. That’s a good thing but at the same time, whatever worked yesterday doesn’t work today and definitely won’t work tomorrow. Keep hopping!
Now: Yep, ze just keeps changing but the behaviors and habits are starting to become a little less wildly different day to day. Ze has now slept the whole night through to a reasonable hour in the morning TWICE in hir life!
Then: We can’t make any major money changes right now. Well, can’t and don’t need to. But I’m kinda bored with status quo – I want to be making decisions and making it happen! (probably a sign that getting back to work is a good thing.)
Now: No longer true! We kept on saving all year, I’ve made investments, we’ve traveled and correspondingly spent what we experts in personal finance might call “a crapload” of money doing so.
As we bleed money this year-end, I want to put up Christmas lights. To remind myself not all is lost? Irrational? Maybe. It’s not like we’re going broke. It’s just a remarkably expensive close to an otherwise pretty good year. And it was a good year. (I jumped the gun on the yearly recap but being grateful for what you have and accomplished isn’t the worst perspective to wear before writing a wish list.)
Except for this disgusting viral thing that was so bad it knocked us all down for more than a week, badly enough we would have headed to the ER for the fevers if we couldn’t get them down. Losing that week was bad enough but the lingering aftereffects just rub salt in the wounds. Oh, right, salt and wounds, the bleeding money thing. This is what our Fall has looked like.
Annual expenses
Car registrations: $450
Life insurance: $900
Property taxes: At least $5000
Christmas presents: $260
Museum memberships: $350
My IRA contributions: $5500
*Increase in childcare expenses: $1500 (per month for now. Expect this to go up. Of course.)
One-time expenses
Estate planning, retainer: $4000
Miscalculated tax, $700
Stock purchase for Christmas, $10,500
Mortgage prepayment, $XX,000 (not prepared to put that in print yet!)
All this wouldn’t seem that bad, even, if it hadn’t been preceded by a few months of higher expenses (hello, Summer).
Still, it has sucked up every penny of our cash reserves, our incoming paychecks for a few more weeks at least, and even touched our savings. That was the last straw.
Looking at the due dates for the stuff I can’t change, you’d think I would have been smarter than to take on the voluntary stuff (life insurance, memberships, the lawyer) at the end of the year but noooo. Of course not.
Is it just me or does the end of the year bring you the gift of annual expenses?
At some point, we’ll likely take LB back to Asia to meet relatives. That sounds all yay family and fancy-like but every single time I say it, and I test it on myself every so often for desensitization purposes, alarm bells of Preparation, Will Robinson, Preparation! go off in my head.
We haven’t even flown domestically with hir yet, I’m not at all prepared to wrassle a child this active and interested in everything on a flight for double digit hours.
It finally sank in why my friend said Travel as much as you can in the first year. It’s all much harder after that. Oh. Some of them, when they can move, they MOVE. This one does. Holy mopeds, this one does.
Logistics
Passports:US passports for any minor child under 16 costs $105 and is good for five years. I don’t know in what world a child looks even remotely similar five years on but I’m not volunteering to pay that price more frequently.
Among other things, they require both parents to apply in person (or one parent goes, the other parent sends a signed, notarized form), proof of US citizenship, and evidence of the parental relationship.
Flights: Ze is a lap child until the age of two but since the last time I received sage travel advice, ze has become even squirmier. Even if we manage to squeeze in a flight before hir second birthday, I think our sanity demands a separate seat. This means an extra cost whether we manage to swing award flights or pay out of pocket.
Packing: Holy CATS I’m not looking forward to this. Bright side? Ze isn’t going through 11-20 diapers a day anymore. Less bright side: hir diapers are huge now, in comparison, and we still have to carry a supply of them. Also the stroller since it would be lovely not to be incapacitated by hefting this most-healthy, not-yet-walking, heavy child for miles. And of course, there’s the car seat thing. Traveling with a kid still in a car seat is most definitely anti-minimalist but I will do my best. It feels like Stroller City around here so I’m totally against buying an umbrella stroller to add to the mix, but I’m open to any other suggestions to keep the mess down.
Health check up: Ze was an absolute trooper for hir flu shot, after being given something to bite down on like any good ole Wild West character, but the battery of injections needed to go to Asia makes me cringe. Still, better a jab than a multi-week illness. *For the record, I got all the jabs and still got sick when we traveled to Asia as a youngun. If I wasn’t so sick, I would have been extremely bitter.
On the plus side
I suspect this will make for a good story, no matter how well or badly it goes. So as long as we survive, I’ll be excited.
There’s really no economic payoff on this choice, but I don’t think we expected there to be one. (Though, can you blame me for checking?) Oh but naturally it’s going to set off all my travel planning / deal hunting neurons and I’ll be obsessed with that for a good long while. You always need a good obsession to chew on.
The huge cash withdrawals are still happening: half of our property tax bill was due, the other half will be due early next year, our mortgage prepayment actually went through (though we had a specific amount we took directly out of savings so that wasn’t a scramble).
The large withdrawals for my retirement savings will drop to a lower monthly amount starting in January thereby improving our cash flow by a couple hundred dollars. That’ll be good. I hate feeling like we have zero cash flow cushion.
Friend: What do you want for Christmas, Revanche?
Revanche: THE WORLD.
Not Friend: What do you want for Christmas, Revanche?
Revanche: None of your business, go away.
Blog readers: What do you want for Christmas, Revanche?
Well, funny you should ask! Here, have a seat next to me and I’ll tell you. (No, I know you didn’t ask but I’m going to pretend you did. A polite fiction never hurt anyone, right?)
Real answer #1: Be simple. Be kind. Be considerate.
“Fresh towels!” I hear echo from the bathroom. Laundry is my thing but it’s awfully nice to be appreciated, isn’t it? Centering our lives around appreciating the simple things, contrary to what our very consumeristic acquaintances say, brings them into sharper focus and stops our tendency to inflate our lifestyles. The less complex our lives, the more energy we can give to the things that really matter.
“Clean your plate, there are starving children in [insert location here]” is a common joke. But it’s true! And a lack of appreciation for our own abundance, the insistence on more more more, makes it awfully easy to forget that we can do good in the world.
My resolution: I already give half my annual personal spending allowance to charitable causes. From now on, I’m going to look for ways to expand that, even if I don’t have my huge charitable foundation & empire yet.
Real Answer #2: Of course I still love things
Like books. Boy do I love books. But I don’t have a lot of room so I’m reconsidering my approach of always getting a physical book first and maybe splurging on an ebook later.Another argument for e-books? I only have to protect my device from the drooling crawling creeper that is my child. We have daily races to the bookshelf as ze scampers on all fours, cackling wildly at the prospect that this time ze might get a grubby finger on my books. I shudder for the day ze wins that race. For both of us.
But instead of succumbing to my baser desires to buy, I went through my closet and reorganized it all. To my shame, I realize that when you put together my casual gear and my professional wear (that gets not so much wear these days), that closet is jampacked full, thus grossly violating my policy that half of my closet space should just be space. Ooops. No gear for me, then.
I like myself quite well, most days. Professionally, I set high standards and I’ve learned to be forgiving as well. Personally, I make solid efforts to be a good spouse/partner, parent, dog-parent, and friend. I still have room to grow. Preferably existentially and less out so I can fit into more than one pair of pants. *lookin’ at you, belly*
Time and time again, I have to body check myself out of my comfort zone. If I leave room for thinking, there’s room for doubt. But I like it here, it’s cozy! It’s got books, and internet, and and and ….! that unworthy part of me whines. And it’s limiting.
Others don’t have to be at all. If I can get over my aversion to guacamole (side benefit: not being escorted to the CA/NV border because my existence offends nature), I can do other strange and horrific things in the name of self improvement.
This year, I started small. I did some interviews. One is still to be shared, and by actual voice, I mean my voice that I hear in my head. The other, in actual audio, was this podcast with Jessica. I started #1GoodMoneyThing which was featured on Rockstar Finance. I kept our Tiny Human alive.
What will next year bring?
Travel: our first vacation with a squirmy wormy baby, my first FinCon (sans squirmy wormy, unless I am persuaded otherwise), seeing friends up and down the West Coast.
More important work: I’ve been struggling with feeling static, with being only moderately productive. With more childcare comes more hours freed back up to do meaningful and/or professional work.
The writing project is coming back to the front burner and so is the quest to find or create my next step. It’s weird that I know what I’m good at when I’m being good at it but struggle to quantify it for discussions like if I’m awesome at X, then I should hang my shingle out as Y.
Want to help me fill in the blanks?
What are you looking forward to this holiday and next year?
Spoiler alert: If you watch Grey’s Anatomy and haven’t watched recent seasons, and care about spoilers, don’t watch this clip. I don’t think the post is specifically spoilery but I’d need an outside opinion on that.
Onward!
I am HUGELY conflicted about this scene. Mind, I don’t watch Grey’s anymore, I used to have it on occasionally for background and it’s too much life drama for me to really get into. Plus I mainly enjoyed it because of Chandra Wilson and Sandra Oh. Not the sex in the workplace, part, that weirds me out in a lot of ways, but their hard-driving, take no shit from anyone, I will prevail come hell or high water approach to work? Those were good.
And they weren’t caricatures, they were complex human women and I liked that.
On the one hand, I’m all about Bailey’s professional standards:
YES, you can only mentor someone for so long.
YES, a person must stand on hir own feet to know that ze can.
YES, you can be taught and taught and taught, but only YOU can actually put those lessons to use.
YES, you have to learn to work within the system in order to succeed in it and change it.
YES, part of the system dictates that Miranda has a fiduciary responsibility not to just give money away if it’s not asked for.
On the other hand, I’m not about that system AT ALL:
The system as it stands, where every individual must negotiate and with the internalized bias against women for negotiating, SUCKS.
I say this as someone who has negotiated in every single job she’s taken. I’ve fought for every raise and promotion to be at least close to commensurate to the value I brought. I make a decent salary. But the system SUCKS. The system is riddled with bias and is innately structured to benefit men, who are expected to negotiate, and discriminates against women who are penalized for negotiating.
Hell, according to the first study below, women are already penalized simply for being women at the point of application.
Ilana Yurkiewicz’s post Study shows gender bias in science is real. Here’s why it matters: scientists presented with application materials from a student applying for a lab manager position and who intended to go on to graduate school. Half the scientists were given the application with a male name attached, and half were given the exact same application with a female name attached. Results found that the “female” applicants were rated significantly lower than the “males” in competence, hireability, and whether the scientist would be willing to mentor the student.
So I’m firmly on the side of “everyone has to learn to stand on their own two feet”, but I’m also intensely uncomfortable with the assumption that women have an equal chance at the same money that men do, “just negotiate!”
It is NOT that simple.
Obviously, from the lower salaries that women were offered to begin with, they’d have to negotiate for a much larger amount just to catch up to what the men would ultimately receive.
And I’m tempted to say that Ellen Pao’s move to cut out negotiating entirely would be a good answer except that I don’t really trust companies to make a good, fair offer at the outset.
Getting back to that scene, my conflict stems from knowing that you have to challenged to get stronger. Sometimes being challenged results in your failure to rise, your failure to see it through, or your failure to even recognize there’s an opportunity to win in the challenge. Simultaneously, I rage at the fact that there are times it simply doesn’t matter how much you rise, or struggle, or fight, you lose because you fought, you lose because you fought as a women, you lose because it’s not “appropriate” to push back as a woman.
I don’t know what the answer is but I know this: there is a startling amount of bias in the current system and it sucks. And it sucks to see someone being admirable in her growth from a mentorship position to an authority position and realize that the line she’s holding for a damn good reason was drawn, and is redrawn every day, by people who never intended to level the playing field.
My feelings are complex on this.
More on this, if you really need the additional data
