About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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July 14, 2010
Continued from the last post …
For the last ten years, I learned painfully, repeatedly, not to trust anyone about money. My family’s track record meant that I had to take control or lose my mind. Or the house. I was darned if I’d let any more bad things happen to me again. *shakes fist a la Scarlett O’Hara (Did she shake her fist? Or is that unladylike?)* Since then, it was always my effort that put food on the table, kept the lights on, the water running. Not for me the bad roommates, dealing with shared rent and bills, cleaning up after people, or any of those popular horror stories.
More importantly, while I don’t judge anyone else for their choices to or not to cohab, I can and do judge myself. For many years, cohabbing was never on the table and it’s been distinctly weird saying that… I … live … with … PiC.
But while this choice, more unguided than misguided, went against my decision never to live with a significant other before marriage, it cut to the bone of my philosophy about trust and people. Namely the part where they don’t go together.
By choosing to cohabitate, I depend on PiC. I rely on him to pay his bills, to provide my home, to support me. (Heartburn.) It’s not that he doesn’t earn a decent income or that he’s a bill-evader, he’s just not deathly allergic to debt like I am. Oh, and he’s a spender. (Aneurysm.) I’ve always known that about him but figured that by the time marriage was on the table, which was the only time I’d allow myself to enter into financial co-dependence, we’d have found a compromise.
So this whole moving in thing? Can we say whole system meltdown?
Funny thing, though. After three weeks of (mostly repressing) angst/anxiety about it, I began to discover that it can work.
I wrung some concessions out of him for my own sanity. We keep spreadsheets on the things that my living here will increase like groceries, eating out, utilities and roughly split those. I pay for groceries because my credit card gets better grocery cashback. He pays for gas because he gets better prices (Costco). I get to manage the monthly spending limits and I cook a LOT to keep bills down. After three months, we’ll sit down and review our spending together and decide how to build a reasonable side by side budget. I’d like to contribute more one way or another. We’re not combining finances, but we’ll make them cohabitable.
We compromise a lot. We’ve had our spats but they were mostly about misunderstanding the other person’s motives. We step on each others’ toes because we try not to. Once we talk it through, it’s fine.
He’s been amazingly supportive about my health issues. (Though, his supportiveness isn’t really amazing for him. If you knew him, you’d know that’s just the way he is.) We giggle a lot. We have the dumbest jokes and snipe at each other until it gets so ridiculous that we crack up. He lets me grouse; I nudge him when he’s winding himself up. I can’t recall why I thought cohabitation was such a horrible idea now that I’ve experienced it.
Not only am I out of a toxically worrying environment, I can just sit in the living room and relax. In my entire adult life, I’ve never done that. Not in a safe, my-home kind of place, and definitely not with any sense that I can trust someone else to take care of me if I need help. How luxurious!
And because of all this weird and good stuff, the thought of marriage no longer causes anxiety. That’s some serious progress. Yes, my family still needs my help and yes, I still feel very responsible for their health and safety. No, I have no idea where I can afford to move them and no, I don’t feel at peace about them. But I can, for the first time, look at the future and think about making plans with a sense of purpose instead of panic.
Perhaps I need to start a courthouse fund. Because I still think eloping’s the way to go. 🙂
July 12, 2010
Within reason, I share quite a lot of my life here on this blog. That’s why I keep it anonymous – between the financial soul-baring and the occasional emoting, it’s somehow less embarrassing if people who know me don’t know me.
Still, there’s this thing I’ve been keeping this under my hat for some time. For lots of reasons.
I wasn’t sure it was the right decision. I hadn’t taken all the prudent, protective steps beforehand. I wasn’t sure that I was even ready to do this so if it blew up in my face, I kind of wanted to go hide in a corner and not talk about it. But most importantly, because my family couldn’t know. In a bigger way than they can’t know that I’ve been saving for their later years, or that it’s been an incredible struggle with my own health and happiness to provide for them. More than all that guilt-related sort of stuff, they couldn’t know this because I can’t trust my sibling with this knowledge.
As you well know, my sibling is my polar opposite: where I’m responsible, he’s footloose and fancy-free. Where I’m cautious, he’s reckless, where I’m a saver, he’s a spender. Most importantly, when I’m on my own, I take care of business. When he doesn’t have someone to answer to, he’s destructive. And my moving out had to be kept a secret for that reason.
But the other thing that I kept even more under my hat was that I moved in with PiC.
It felt like a cheat.
He refused to talk rent, he refused to talk bills, he refused to talk 50/50 anything. As far as he was concerned, it made the most sense for us to be living in the same place (literally, not just in the same city) at the same time, he was already paying a mortgage regardless of where I was or what I was doing, I needed time to get back on my feet and settled, and I already had too many expenses. Never no mind that the responsible thing to do was to talk out our expectations, household duties and I always always pay my way.
It drove me nuts. But I had two weeks to find a place, my family’s expenses eat up at least 70% of my take home salary and that’s before I’d factored in personal living expenses. It was really hard to make any sort of functional budget including rent, food, insurance. So, uncharacteristically, irresponsibly, I took a leap of faith and moved in with him.
Stay tuned….
July 11, 2010
With a few minor deviations, like having paid rent for July already, I’ve pulled together what should pretty accurately reflect my financial month of June. I keep wondering if I should continue to post these reports. They were always meant to keep me accountable and make it really easy to keep track of whether or not I’m making progress, but there’s the niggling thought that perhaps it comes off as bragging after you reach a certain point.
The seemingly “steady” creep up is just the aftereffects of the great push, also known as: $5K/5K challenge. Not a penny was from regular earnings, almost every cent of that is being spent on regular expenses.
There’s something that I’ll soon, in the spirit of full financial disclosure, share with you in a future post that has radically affected my finances recently.
In the meantime, however, there are things that have to change about the picture you see above.
One, there haven’t been any contributions in my retirement accounts since I started this job. That’s because, dear friends, I’ve been a slacker in the last two months and couldn’t decide what to do about that blasted 401(k) issue. I hate passing on free money vs. I’m not convinced the match (total of 4% to my 5%, I misread the literature before) is worth the extra fees.
Two, I’ve been paying all my parents’ expenses since leaving, but I keep wondering if there’s a way I can squeeze out a little more to give them a small cash allowance as well. Although they have my credit cards, I know there’s something disheartening about never having real money on hand. That may not be possible though, because point three is…
I’d like to have at least $1,000 saved just for their dental expenses. The moving fund is in ok shape, not enough for deposits, a move, and all that yet, but I also need another $1,000 for their dental. Their coverage is, frankly, crap.
I was going to keep going but this is going to turn into a wish list if I do. Best to stick with these for now.
July 10, 2010
Despite knowing about our trip down south last weekend for a couple months, I failed to prepare far enough in advance to prevent several wasteful results of being gone and off routine.
Spending, while not wildly out of control, couldn’t be said to be under control either because I’ve honestly not been keeping track of my cash flow spreadsheet. July doesn’t have a single entry listed.
A) While down south, I went to Target fully knowing I needed 4 or 5 items and that they weren’t really budgeted for. Went anyway. Luckily, I found nothing on the list except a handful of really cute and well-priced cards that I needed for weddings, birthdays, and other occasions: $6.
B) We ordered take-out lunch while rushing from lodgings to hospital to see the new baby and parents; we failed to take note of the total price until I asked for it after calling the order in: $70!
C) Vending machines in hospitals take credit cards now. When you’re there all day for multiple days and only brought one bottle of water: $10
D) Groceries that I didn’t have time to prepare beforehand went bad (some salsa, some pasta sauce, some veggies)
E) Grocery shopping only happens on weekends so getting back late on Monday night meant eating leftovers brought back from the weekend OR …. eating out. One night, a high-earning friend was in town and insisted on going to Ruth’s Chris so also insisted on treating so we now owe her the next dinner, instead of just paying our own way each time.
F) It could have been worse, without fresh veggies to fix lunch either, it was a peanut butter sandwich every day this week. I’m glad that I really like PB!
G) Almost forgot, I also spent $40 on groceries for the new parents. A gift, let’s call it.
Bills didn’t go unpaid, thankfully because I tend to pay them every two weeks and the day before any trips, but I did forget to calculate my net worth for the month of June, I forgot to set up some invoices, and barely managed to meet other online commitments.
It’s time to get it together.
1. Invoices – prepare and send
2. Net worth – pull it together! Since I’m still in between paychecks, it should be fairly accurate
3. Grocery shopping – at least decide what recipes are up for the week and make up the list. Perhaps even go today. (I’m still pretty achy, yesterday was a tough day.)
4. Cooking!
Prepare chicken stock for soupbases for the week.
Defrost another chicken and have PiC learn from the fabulous @HeatherSolos from Home Ec 101 how to wield a knife and break down a whole chicken (almost the only kind of chicken I think is cheap enough to buy). I prefer to hog kitchen duty but my bones and muscles can’t handle the heavy duty stuff.
Perhaps defrost all the jambalaya making stuff and make up a whole tureen for the week?
That’s more than enough for today since I also have to get some work-work in before Monday. And PiC promised to sit down with me and crunch numbers for some possible trips we’d like to take.
July 8, 2010
I was semi-stranded the other day with only ten dollars in cash and my trusty credit cards. The combination of poor planning, getting stuck in meetings at work, and my public transportation melange resulted in my having to grab a cab for a less than 3 mile hop. Needless to say, I wasn’t thrilled about the extra cost but had no intention of stiffing the cabbie. I asked him, before getting into the cab, if he accepted credit cards.
“Only for a $15 fare or more.”
“Ok, I either have a credit card or I have $10 in cash, and I only have to go 3 miles, will that be enough cash or enough to meet the credit card minimum?”
“Well, it’s like a $12, $13 ride but … just get in, we’ll see.”
We chatted, I asked about his day, and after a few minutes he said over his shoulder, “you only have $10 in cash? Ok. Ok, I’ll just take ten dollars. It’ll be easier and you’re nice. You’re my last fare, my wife called asking when I’d be home, it’s a short ride. And after a shift, sometimes, the nice people are more important, it’s so little difference in money.”
I protested, but he insisted that he didn’t feel taken advantage of and that he was fine with it.
I know it’s not a huge amount, but I also know that cab drivers don’t have an easy job and even though I don’t know how well they’re paid, I believe in giving a fair tip. In this case, I would have tipped $3 on a $13 fare. He basically gave me a 50% discount.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever been the “cab driver”? Is niceness important enough to give up some money? Or do you think, as PiC would jokingly rib, it was because I’m a giiiiirl?
July 6, 2010
In the last two weeks, I’ve attended two weddings. One was a surprise invite from a new friend I’d bonded with over rheumatoid arthritis, unemployment, job-hunting and other mutual concerns; the other was a surprise as well but from a very dear friend.
The second friend insisted that out of town guests not give gifts, and provided a really cool “registry” where those guests who didn’t have their own ideas could donate towards a few things that the happy couple would like to own. I love everything they picked and loved the idea of donating toward the really cool stuff.
The first friend, well, I’m a little bit stymied. I think that it’s probably appropriate to give more of a token gift because I’m not a very close friend and we were a last minute invite. I know this because we had discussed her wedding in casual chats several times, namely how she was keeping it very small and budget – there’s no way we’re good enough friends that we were A-list guests. No harm in knowing that in my opinion, we’re both pragmatic people and I’m in no way offended.
My question is: am I wrong? PiC immediately assumed we were giving $100. I’m of the mindset that a token gift card of $50 would be fine. Is that a cheap consideration? Should the depth of the relationship be part of the equation in determining a gift?
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Other wedding related posts:
Weddings
Weddings: how far would you go, how much would you spend?
Wedding Registries: A time to judge?
July 3, 2010
One of the hardest things about having moved away from family and friends is that there’s no way I can swoop in and visit whenever someone’s ill, depressed or distressed. That was probably the best thing about being unemployed/freelancing: when situations came up, I could be there for people.
In fact, the way people tend to hermitize when they’re going through rough times (which I’ve been doing myself for three months, so I’m not throwing stones), I’m not even likely to know that they’re having a bad time of it until well afterward.
I’m attending an old friend’s wedding this weekend and it happened to put us in the right place for once. PiC’s sibs were expecting and their wee one was born early in an emergency situation. We’ll be able to visit them in the hospital and help out over the weekend if there’s anything they need.
My fingers are crossed that the health situation resolves soon and they can enjoy their new addition without this extra concern soon.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and an extra day off for those who have Monday off.
