January 19, 2026

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (294)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area

Year 6, Day 266: Two little bits of excitement for the day: JB seems to have had an organic sale of one of their art things!

I Mcgyvered a toothbrush duct-taped to a pen to dig out a ton of the lint stuck down in the trap. Feeling Quite Accomplished. It’s not the full cleaning it needs but it’s progress, just like the toaster oven door with 1/5 of the glass clean.

This scene got me right in the gut. As a person whose parents didn’t always like her, as a person who watched grandparents treat her beloved mother with disdain and outright hatred, and as a parent who deeply loves her kids but sometimes finds them insufferable.

Year 6, Day 267: It feels like I’m being responsible and forward thinking when I scan every possible job listing (at least for the title, location, and pay range) to eyeball likely postings daily. But they all depress me. Every high level well-paying job that would roughly one to one replace this job seems to have all the same characteristics of the job I already hate (mostly corporate incompetence, also “number go up” culture). I’ve never been one to turn down a professional challenge, but having been learning how not to create more problems for myself on the personal front has changed my perspective on this career hustling moment.

Applying that awareness to this situation, job hunting feels like it’s now hypervigilance rather than proactively looking for opportunities.

Is this me being tired of the looking? Maybe. I don’t really spend all that much time looking, but it is an entirely deflating however many minutes I spend on it. There’s nothing exciting about having to look and interview and present myself a certain way and all that. It’s absolutely exhausting.

Year 6, Day 268: PF buddy Abby was asking about our retirement plans and I wanted to be hopeful but that healthcare piece remains a wild card. It seems impossible to budget for now that the US government is being run by a pack of wild murderous dingos.

Looking at those example numbers I cited before from someone who is self employed – $17k premiums and $6500 deductible which works out to $24,000 before their insurance covers anything and their situation isn’t even the worst healthcare plan out there – how does one budget for the possibility of somewhere in the neighborhood of $50k – $100k a year (for 4 people) in healthcare premiums and deductibles?? It starts to suggest you’re better off self insuring.

Except you’re not. My family took that route when I was growing up (pre ACA) and it was AWFUL. So that’s a tough needle to thread at the best of times, while we’re currently in what certainly feels like the worst of times. The unsettling part is knowing that it could get a lot worse, because that’s definitely the Republican game plan.

*****

SmolAc has been slightly under the weather with a cough and sore throat so I made them ginger garlic chicken and ginger garlic rice. They appreciated none of it. But it was really good! So it’s been my lunch for the week. Turns out you can have an easy almost Hainan chicken experience if you lower your standards some.

Year 6, Day 269: My friend challenged my thinking about what kind of savings through investing we can manage in the next two years. I have plans to squeeze out every dollar that I possibly can and put it into our investments but it still seems like it’s so far from enough. So they asked what our gains were in each of the past two years. I went back five years and was really surprised to see that with the exception of 2022, every year since 2021 has seen six digits of growth. We’re still far from my ideal number (which admittedly has been creeping up again in this, the worst timeline) but these numbers are so far from small it’s laughable. And yet, I still think “I won’t be able to save enough in the next year and a half” in case I get laid off.

Whenever the thought about a potential layoff comes up, my action-planning brain hides in a corner. I really really don’t want to have to find another job, all the job hunting notwithstanding. I really want to have enough invested that I can be let off the hook of having to work if I lose this job. But I still want to be able to work on the Lakota families project, to help out folks who need help, to afford some small luxuries like a dozen books a year or to adopt a dog when I’m ready. *wistful sigh* Wishful thinking!

Year 6, Day 270: I had my annual review today. When it was scheduled, I was awash in anxiety for a few hours. Then I got over it. I did my little notes and write up, had a friend take a look for perspective, and gave it a last cursory 2 minute brush up the next day and moved on. Therapy’s done me a world of good, I know my anxiety would have been through the roof about this six years ago.

I know that I put in an extraordinary amount of work last year. An unbelievable number of hours. And despite months of stress and friction and worry and under-resourcing battles, and shitty entitled staff battles, we eked out a win by the end of the year.

Even though the review was quite positive, it was hard for my brain. I struggled to accept the positive feedback. My brain wanted to undermine it all within 3 hours of the relief. “What if he was just saying that? what if he’s just gassing you up but doesn’t mean a damn word of it and will undermine you later??” it demands. I wanted to be mad, why can’t you let me enjoy this???? But there are reasons. I want to see that in writing for it to be real. It feels like all our massive efforts would only have been recognized under these circumstances – pulling a win out by the end of the year. It feels less than genuine because my boss was largely absent last year, like they’re only basing the judgement on the end result rather than the whole picture. Not that I’m saying that they WERE being disingenuous, it just feels like when people make that “you’re smart” comment – what exactly are you basing that on? What are your objective metrics? While I am perfectly happy writing up my people’s reviews based on their genuine efforts, for myself, my brain simultaneously demands to be recognized for being awesome (because professionally, I am) AND demands extra proof of that awesomeness. My brain is my worst enemy some days. But speaking of metrics, as we’re into the new year, I guess our bonuses (or lack thereof) will be a tangible metric.

January 12, 2026

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (293)

Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area

Year 6, Day 259: You know a thing I miss? When people enjoyed media such that for most books or tv shows or movies, you could Google the title and find at least 5 sites dissecting various plot lines and explaining what happened. Sometimes I can’t hear or understand what’s going on and those explainers were great. I also miss Google working properly but those days are also long done.

Currently steeping in senioritis. All the more ironic that I didn’t have senioritis as a student. Deep breaths. Make it to the end of the year. Focus on things that matter: getting help out to people who need it. Whine to the friend who is currently happily unemployed and doesn’t mind empathizing that I keep having to go to work.

Huh. It’s funny. This is usually where I tell myself that people (and dogs) depend on me as a surefire way to make me shake off the malaise and buckle down. Now the thought just makes me tired and resentful. My brain has evolved past only prioritizing everyone else as survival?

Year 6, Day 260: I FIXED THE PRINTER. I actually fixed it yesterday but the printer refused to admit that I had indeed safelisted it on the ISP for a full 24 hours. Today I went over to give it another piece of my mind, I have so many of them to spare, and saw that the wifi icon was finally lit up. I WIN.

*snoopy victory dance*

Pondering my evening workout selection (in the 8-11 minutes I might have in an evening to squeeze it in, so don’t let me misrepresent this as anything so glamourous as actual workout time), all my muscles responded as if to the Little Red Hen: not I, said the arms. Not I, said the legs!

In the end, everyone got it.

60 squats. 51 band pullaparts. 45 calf raises. 47 bicep curls (5 lbs). Trying to remember if I actually did do that 3rd set of curls or if SmolAc distracted me from them. Probably the latter. I don’t think I’d be able to make it through a full set of 25. Or 15. Or 5. An hour later, my arm was protesting the temerity of picking up a 2 lb weight to put it back in its place. Who’s going to be sorry tomorrow morning? Everyone.

Year 6, Day 261: I’ve been testing two phone cases because the first pick turned out to be awful quality. I really like and prefer the colorful red one (for differentiation more than anything else) but the material was so smooth that it’s slippery. Ms Butterfingers over here doesn’t need any help dropping my phone. But the clear case, which feels a little “stickier” is so similar to others that I worry about the case of the mistaken phone recurring.

Once we were on a trip with friends and after bidding us goodnight, our friend departed for her hotel room. After another hour, PiC and I packed it in as well, only, his phone was missing. We retraced all our steps from the whole day and found nothing. I was a mess thinking of what we’d have to do to get it replaced and set up again while traveling out of the country. The next morning, our friend handed over his phone – they had identical cases and she’d taken his by accident! It’s been ten years and I still remember the heartburn. Maybe I can add some creatively distinguishing paint to the case.

Every so often, when I look at a site and close it after a cursory browse, they get hold of my email address and email me some discount code. I appreciate a discount as much as the next bargain shopper but this is going way too far. I hate that they’re managing to get my email address and contact me. UGH. This is another nudge to move fully to DuckDuckGo.

Year 6, Day 262: It’s about to be Girl Scout cookie season again and a) I’m still recovering from paying the December credit card bills (thanks past me for upping our cash cushion) and b) realizing that not even the thought of stress eating GSCs takes the edge off work stress anymore so my body’s clicked over into an anti-eating mode. That’s not unusual. It tends to be either/or. Now I mostly feel like I have an empty stomach and not hungry at the same time. It’s weird. But what a savings!(?)

I’m getting really irritated by the constant religion dropping that keeps coming into JB’s after school activity. It feels especially insulting in this Christo-fascist period of America and I’ve started researching alternate places and activities to replace this once our prepaid membership runs out instead of renewing. No, I won’t bother telling them why, I don’t think they’re reasonable people about this because reasonable people wouldn’t be dripping their Christianity all over everyone at their workplace that is not a church. In my experience, when the gratuitous God and Devil talk starts, it’s all downhill from there for those of us who aren’t Christians. And even for some of us who are. At least a few Christian friends were appalled when I shared it with them and said they’d be mad enough to leave as well. A secular activity is not the time or place.

Year 6, Day 263: It feels like a minute ago (probably 6 years) we had a new toaster oven and thirty seconds later it was all gucky and the glass door was impossible to see through. I’m told this is normal but am sure that other people’s toaster ovens are shiny and clean. I spotted our brand new can of Barkeeper’s Friend and surely this is the precise kind of thing you use that on? Crossed my fingers and set to work because this glass is embarrassing. Not that anyone sees it but us, but still.

After an hour and three rounds of paste application, that’s several hundred layers of grime removed! One corner of the glass is actually clean! The rest of the grime is still very stubbornly clinging but that has to be another weekend’s project. My hyperfixation wants to work at it until it’s all clean in one go because that would be so satisfying but that’s not worth wrecking my hands, shoulders and/or back for weeks.