About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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August 15, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 143: This bit resonated so strongly with me from: Laziness Does Not Exist; But unseen barriers do
“She was busy with therapy and switching medications, and all the side effects that entails. Sometimes, she was not able to leave the house or sit still in a classroom for hours. She didn’t dare tell her other professors that this was why she was missing classes and late, sometimes, on assignments; they’d think she was using her illness as an excuse. But she trusted me to understand.
And I did. And I was so, so angry that this student was made to feel responsible for her symptoms. She was balancing a full course load, a part-time job, and ongoing, serious mental health treatment. And she was capable of intuiting her needs and communicating them with others. She was a fucking badass, not a lazy fuck. I told her so.”
I hesitated to disclose my physical illness to any bosses for exactly the same reason: fear I’d be seen as my illness, fear I’d only be judged by my worst days. I’d seen this happen over and over for other people making mistakes, why wouldn’t it happen when I had a mysterious health condition that didn’t even yet have a name?
*****
This Monday is especially hard. Two kids home with me, PiC working on site, my work carrying on as usual, a school Zoom conference in the evening at dinnertime.
My stress levels are peaking: school starting soon, we’re making an attempt to register JB for much in demand swim classes at the local pool (cross your fingers for us, please?), Smol Acrobat’s daycare to start in less than a month has me entirely frazzled.
I’m worrying about disease, of course (all of which Smol will bring home to me), and Smol’s experience. I really hope they are open to being social with the teachers and kids at daycare without us. I hope they don’t have separation anxiety every dropoff like some of the kids I remember when dropping off JB. It broke my heart when those little toddlers were released by their parents who had to go. The sobbing little bundles would crawl up on my lap, any lap would do at that point, for comfort. JB, across the yard playing while I sat there patting little Toddler’s back, would occasionally notice I was still there and wave but otherwise they were happily busy. I hope for an experience closer to JB’s for Smol.
*****
This frog made me smile but I looked at it too long and now I’m mildly creeped out and I do not know why:
Year 3, Day 144: My subconscious is really flipping after seeing my family. I’ve had family related dreams for a solid week; last night it was my big cousin telling me he’d buy my books at the bookstore and desperately trying to pick a second book in time, only to fail and find out I’d missed dozens of text messages from friends expecting me at a funeral I was now late for. I have no idea how to unpack this latest.
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This article struck so close to home: Bad science misled millions with chronic fatigue syndrome. Here’s how we fought back
I’ve been fighting with CFS for ten years and didn’t really know what it was until last year. Without knowing about the PACE study, I replicated their theories in my life, assuming I just needed to build up my stamina by forcing myself to get out and exercise regardless of how I felt. The results were generally consistent: when I didn’t feel up to it, it made me feel worse. When I did feel up to it, I came back more tired. That elusive second wind I remembered from my teens after a good run never occurred. This past summer it finally struck me that maybe it’s a one way street between my fitness and my health. Meaning: even if I am fit in the sense of being capable of the walking, and have stamina, that still doesn’t help when my health is damaged. On a poor health day, I gasp for breath with every step and on an ok health day, I can walk without too much effort. My stamina is always impacted by my health and not the other way around. I always blamed myself for being out of shape but it makes more sense that it’s simply not how I can function with CFS.
*****
Related: it’s kind of a bummer that last week and this week have been every bit as hard, and more, as I was braced for.
I was hoping to be proven wrong. But I’m absolutely dragging after 7 days of JB home during the workday plus Smol Acrobat at full steam and lots of days where PiC wasn’t around for Smol support.
JB goes back to school tomorrow. I hope that’s going to be a net gain for me in terms of energy.
*****
This is so cool!
Year 3, Day 145: Yuck. I felt like garbage this afternoon. I don’t know what’s up with my electrolytes but the more water I drank, the worse I felt. I snacked a lot too, for the salt, but it didn’t do the trick. The full body weakness and nausea segued into a pounding headache by dinnertime. Bodies. So unreasonable.
OTOH, at dinner, Smol ate a whole slice of pizza with most of the toppings for the first time! Normally they reject everything but the crust so I’d feel terrible about their lack of nutrition but today was a relatively decent food day. They had oatmeal, granola and raisins for breakfast, yogurt for snack, fried rice for lunch, and pizza and grapes for dinner with minimal food waste and minimal coaxing. It’s generally the food waste that gets my goat, and the exasperating rapid fire rejections of any and all foods on offer, just eat something! I’m partly worried they’ll wake up unbelievably early hungry but also just generally annoyed by the experiment. There was less of both today.
*****
This tweet led me down an interesting path of rain garden and conservation links. Not that I have time for it right now but it’s good to know.
*****
It’s striking and scary for my version of ME/CFS to only be considered mild. I’ve definitely lost more than 50% of my function and that’s only MILD.
Year 3, Day 146: As much as I enjoy the ritual of back to school shopping, this article wasn’t us this year. At least not for JB. It helps of course that only one of ours is school age right now. Our spending will probably look different in five years. The majority of school shopping we did was for our Lakota folks and for local schools: Back-to-school shopping takes ‘a major financial toll’ amid high inflation. Here’s how to save on supplies for the fall
Our own school runs a huge fundraiser annually and pays for all the school supplies out of that pot, so the teachers ask parents to supply a small list of optional items. This year that list is: tissues, paper towels, wipes and prize items. That approach does seem more sensible. They can shop the sales and buy in bulk all at once.
We did buy JB a lunchbag this year, and they’re reusing a backpack that they were gifted two years ago.
On the other hand, having saved on the school supplies (minus the $150-200 contribution we’ll make the school’s various fundraisers), we’re spending on my old car next. The battery is shot(?), one tire has a slow leak, and we need a battery backup thing. We borrowed a friend’s trickle charger and used it to confirm our alternator isn’t bad. I’ve been on the hunt for a jump starter for a few months. I wonder if they might also have a trickle charge function because that’s handy at home. I think we can have EITHER a trickle charger OR a jump starter, though. I suppose we do the former for home and the latter for the road?
Update: the car battery is not shot. Yay! The trickle charger finally revived the battery enough to be usable again.
Year 3, Day 147: Sera made a local friend! She got to play with a puppy that was just adopted by our neighbors. It was great. Also I got puppy kisses so life felt pretty good.
While it was a happy morning treat, we’d also gotten out the door really early for school drop off. It was an hour of socializing by the time we detached from the multiple people we encountered after dropping JB off. That’s about 45 minutes too much for me mentally and physically first thing in the morning. The next two hours of Smol time were the longest hours of my life. Excruciating. I had to stay conscious and upright, and get them into their crib for their one nap of the day so that I could then cram in a full day of work into their unconscious period. Phew. Struggle.
*****
I’ve been muddling around in my feelings a LOT lately.
The first week of school is done as of today annnnnd we also just got our first COVID exposure notice. It’s been three days with no pooled testing and no mask mandate. Who’s surprised? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Other things pushing my anxiety buttons deet-doot-deet: Smol’s upcoming daycare start and related separation anxiety. We have to put together daycare approved supplies: toothbrush, sunscreen (nut free which, for some reason, includes coconut even though I have argued for four years that coconuts aren’t actually nuts), boots, hat, blanket, water bottle … what else? I don’t want to wait until the week before and scramble to get their things together.
Holiday planning because I already have to be working on ALL THAT right now and it’s hugely complicated.
I need to make some packing cubes and need to buy super long zippers. This isn’t actually stressful. I simply lack the decision making power by the time I get to this end of the list to actually do the thing.
August 12, 2022
1. We donated to support Kara Perez, Alice Wong, two Donors Choose projects and Something Positive.
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August 9, 2022
This was not a good year for summer travel for so many reasons. COVID with little or no mass/public mitigation measures in place, the excruciating wait for under five vaccines, the rise of monkeypox, high demand impacts on the travel industry, just to name a few things off the top of my head.
We debated for months. We’ve been doing so much to mitigate risk personally: vaxxed, boosted, masking, limiting interactions and socializing. We’ve had to accept increased risk with in person school and will have to accept even more increased risk with childcare when the time comes. So mostly I wanted to cancel. But my heart ached. It’s been 2.5 years of being super extra cautious. It’s been 2.5 years of traditions on pause and loss of time with loved ones. How long could we, should we, keep waiting?
We had a family wedding (vax required, outdoors only, no tents, great air circulation, guests were told to test before and not to come if they had any symptoms) to attend. I hadn’t seen much of this family in ten+ years. We also had our SDCC badges from the last time we had an in person convention. I was deeply hesitant about that aspect of the summer. Superspreader event, anyone?
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August 8, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 136: 6:20 am, drat. The sleep is creeping in the wrong direction again.
*****
My return to work was a depressing crash landing into stressing about too much to do. It was less about the work and more about the volume of everything.
I have to: do all my work in a limited amount of time; mind Smol Acrobat most of the day before and after their ONE nap; help JB (who still has another several days home before school starts) with any tech arrangements needed for their tutoring refresher courses that I set up; follow up on the Lakota giving orders I placed.
I think the stress is compounded by my (near pathological) need to have everything tidied up and right and tight on my FIRST DAY back. That may be related to my need to depart on time when we travel, as well, which sets off no end of anxiety. I keep twisting myself up into knots trying to meet totally unreasonable standards. Huh. There’s a theme.
PiC and I are trying something new: not pushing ourselves to be all caught up on work in an unreasonable amount of time.
*****
I leaned into the inevitable inability to work after Smol’s nap, and took the kids out for a walk to the playground nearby. Sadly for every inch of my body, the nearest one was closed. I should have steered us home to the backyard but gave into the “try to be a better parent” impulse to give JB a proper play on a big play structure and urged Sera and Smol into this ill considered adventure. It was a huge pain getting Smol to cooperate and get there in the first place. I had regrets almost immediately. But after much coaxing and pushing and prodding, they conquered the promised playground. They also had fun playing in the dirt so I remind myself we didn’t have to go that far for entertainment.
***** (more…)
August 5, 2022
1. I’m having some slow burn revelations that likely impact my mental and physical health (positively, one hopes but who knows).
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August 2, 2022
On Money
Income
Our primary income comes from our full time jobs. We have minimal income from investing in index funds and dividend stocks (all reinvested). We earn money on the side to supplement our main incomes. We get a bit of income from Swagbucks, cash back sites (Rakuten, Mr.Rebates) and affiliate links to Bookshop and Amazon sometimes pay a micro-commission to keep the blog running. There are ways to support the blog and our charitable giving in the sidebar.
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
***
Dividend income. We received $214 in dividends from the stocks portfolio. All reinvested.
*****
PiC’s company did a compensation evaluation and decided they were underpaying large swaths of employees and bumped up their salaries. Turns out he was one of them. Bummer that he’s been underpaid for the past who knows how long but yay for the out of cycle increase now.
I wasn’t surprised he’s been underpaid. He changed jobs in the middle of the pandemic and there’s been a lot going on with layoffs and suchlike. Despite being married to me, he’s never been in a situation where negotiating his salary was possible versus my consistent and persistent self advocacy for raises and promotions through the years. There’s an irony in that I’ve very actively grown my career at every step and I still don’t make as much as he does. I’ve been in a quiet competition all these years trying to beat his salary.
Anyway, I’m glad the dust has settled enough that they’re bringing people up to standard. As usual, I’ll take this opportunity to bump up our savings rate a bit to assuage my guilt over our spending.
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August 1, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 129: 730 am. Totally reasonable!
*****
Unfortunately, the wait list for private swim lessons at our local Y is closed. They don’t have enough instructors, and already have 120 families on their list. Sigh. I imagine that national staffing shortages will be a problem for a long time considering how many people have been ill with or died of COVID.
*****
PiC started the hunt for our family car again just to get a feel for the landscape. It’s bad. Waitlists are 12-18 months for new vehicles. Used cars are priced as high as new. Since when do we pay $55k before tax for a used vehicle?? We last paid an average of $10k for each car and we keep them for a decade or more.
Year 3, Day 130: Sadness. Our pediatrician is moving his practice out of town. We liked him a lot, he started his practice here when JB was born so he’s seen them, and now Smol Acrobat, since they were newborns. I hate changes like this.
*****
My maternal grandmother passed away. I had a lot of feelings. We haven’t spoken in years. Not even at my mom’s funeral since I didn’t even want that side of the family there after the week of shenanigans that my grandfather and aunts engaged in. They harassed me for a solid week and at the funeral itself.
On the one hand, I feel a familiar tug of “you SHOULD feel like you should go to the funeral.” But I don’t want to go. I don’t feel like I should go in spite of my feelings, either. What sense of duty I have doesn’t apply to them. I haven’t had a relationship with them for 20 years, what contact I DID have in those 20 years wasn’t good, and I don’t have respects to give, any desire to give the living any comfort over her passing, or desire to tolerate their inevitable sniping and gossip.
On the other hand, I’m still mad at them for being such selfish grasping people and I remember how much I wished they’d be family that I could be close to. I couldn’t, they’re just not capable of being considerate or kind. They’re mean and petty. I remember when I was 13, one aunt deliberately picked a fight with me when I put her shoes in our closet. On opening the door, I commented, man, our closet smells weird! She asked if I was saying her shoes smelled to which I replied, of course not! It’s our closet, I just noticed it smelled funny BEFORE I put your shoes in. It was like that before you got here. But she continued to pick pick pick trying to force me to admit I’d offended her somehow. It was so strange but very thematic.
It’s better to protect my time with the people who actually value us but I remember that when they first emigrated here, I had such high hopes of coming into more family to love. Alas.
Year 3, Day 131:
JB and I are having sobering conversations about unhoused people in the city and it’s hard to explain how much our government is failing its citizens. We shouldn’t have so many people in such terrible circumstances. We do the best we can to help but it’s hardly a drop in the bucket.
*****
We finally cleared out a space for Smol’s crib in the guest room. They would have been moved out ages ago but this is their main play room and I’ve lacked the motivation and energy to tackle that chore until now. I hope this is the thing that turns around their morning wakings.
*****
Parahawking looks so cool.
Year 3, Day 132:
TIL I have to throw out the old or excess candy behind everyone’s backs, including PiC’s. He usually doesn’t even eat candy! Why was he standing there picking through the bucket as if he was going to save these old things from doom? I hate adding to landfill but don’t know what to do with unwanted candy we’re gifted for the kids.
*****
Smol Acrobat is BIG into sharing food now. They insist on feeding us almost as much as we feed them, they want to split breads that I give them in half to share.
They are now consistently identifying eyes on other people. By poking them with their finger while enunciating “eyeeeee”.
*****
I watched the Wakanda Forever trailer and was sad all over again that Chadwick Boseman is gone.
Year 3, Day 133: Moving Smol Acrobat out of our room made such a difference! They’re still waking early but so far, since they don’t see us, they’re settling back down for another round of R&R. Dragging my feet on something that takes a huge amount of energy (clearing space for their crib) was just feeding the cycle of exhaustion.
*****
So many chores today. I unpacked and organized a huge pile of hand me downs, incorporating it into the existing supply of next size up hand, sorted out smaller things and excess things for donation and moved Smol’s clothes to their closet. All bedrooms here are now occupied and that feels really weird! I had a dream last night about discovering a new empty bedroom (with the unfortunate addition of my leech brother), maybe it was inspired by this sense of being crowded.
My office is still 75% intolerable but I’ve been steadily moving paper and trash out to their respective bins, which makes it feel like progress is happening.
My head is chock full of sewing projects, and I’m not ready to figure out the logistics or commit to the prep work. I’ll let them simmer for a bit longer. Today, I tackled a simpler project: a small hand me down photo album. It’s the kind that holds 100 (ish) 4×6 photos stacked in a book.
The insides were pristine but the cover was this nasty tapestry fabric with leather that will flake and fall apart when it ages. So I pulled out my scissors, Kraft glue, and special Hello Kitty fabric I’d indulgently bought a while back and covered the entire cover with fabric. It’s nothing I’d give as a real gift but JB will get a kick out of it. Maybe they can use it to store pictures or stickers. Now that I’ve said that… I wasn’t going to cover the second one but feel almost obligated to since they have a LOT of stickers and probably would love to have a sticker book. We’ll see. I’ll let them have this first and go from there.