November 15, 2021

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (76)

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 239: This morning was SUCH a struggle to get my brain working. Anxiety driven? Maybe. Case of the Mondays? Probably more that. My anxiebees were quiet for a lot of the day.

We got the news that there will be a daycare slot opening for Smol to attend part time next year. I don’t think the under-5 group will have a vaccine by then which of course sends my worries up again.

*****

The Dino Dash: When they are in the mood for it, we toss Smol on the bed and they turn into a little triceratops on the attack. They crawl madly cackling at you or towards the edge of the bed and we have to intercept them before they go flying off the edge. They clash into our bodies and get flipped on their back or proactively turn around and race the other way and you have to dash wildly around the bed to get to the other side before they do. It’s good cardio!

*****

We snagged a vaccine appointment for JB later this month. I will be stalking the site for any earlier vaccinations. I’m also wondering where the under-5 group trials are. Best I can find is that Pfizer’s trials are in process (Sept 28 article) and Moderna just started their trials. I suppose it’ll be too much to hope for approval of an under-5 vaccine before the new year.

*****

4:30 looked like 8:30 outside, gloomy and dark, with the light rains passing through.

The storm inside was much worse than the drizzle outside: JB was all kinds of frustration and acting out for a while after school. They were sent to their room for a good long while, surprisingly they started their homework without being told, and emerged for their Spanish lesson.

*****

I had cooked dinner at 1 pm because I had ingredients on hand, it was my turn to mind Smol so I couldn’t work anyway, and it was really nice to have dinner already made by the late afternoon.

We were able to work as late as 530 and just get the warmed up dinner on the table in a matter of minutes. I would really like to have more dinners just ready to go.

Year 2, Day 240: My fatigue was notably odd yesterday. Less “someone siphoned my tank again” and more “I could use several breaks”. I wonder if it’s because I forced myself to take a long midday walk? Today it’s back closer to the normal: anchors attached to every limb and heaved overboard. Not great. I took a walk this morning. It’s weird.

*****

Speaking of weird, our reverse water thingamadoo has been putting out a steadily decreasing amount of water for a week. What’s going on?? We have been staring at the slowing trickle thinking “we gotta fix this!” but today’s the first day I’ve actually managed to Google some troubleshooting tips. Time, energy, where do we get some extra??

I tried sugar, that didn’t go so well.

*****

JB got themselves up and ready on time this morning. I got very tired of chivvying them along every morning for the past few weeks so I told them clearly:not to lay abed more than 5 minutes after their alarm on weekdays. I think about how incredibly lucky we are with this.

A, they like (playing at) school. B, after the clear instruction they’ve gotten up on time every day since. It’s taken a few days to get the rest of the routine back in track but that was a huge help to getting us started in the first place. I never had an alarm when I was younger, I was just expected to get up on time and not surprisingly, I never could. I was also plagued by nightmares every night which helped nothing of course. But I’m glad our mornings have shifted in the right direction again.

*****

JB told us they didn’t want to enter an art contest because they might not win. Then they said that if they did enter and didn’t win, they’d never enter again.

Now, I don’t think contests are important but I’m appalled at the developing underlying all or nothing notion: that if you can’t win, you might as well not try. I shared my “don’t reject yourself” philosophy while withholding a screech of WHAT ON EARTH, explaining that even if you don’t always win, you definitely won’t if you won’t even participate and also you’ll miss out on a lot of fun and learning in life with an all or nothing mentality so we’re going to practice something different.

They went on to whine about other things so I have no idea if they actually heard me, if it made any difference, or if they were just being a contrary cuss for attention.

*****

I took all the kids out for an unexpectedly long (in time, not in distance) walk in the evening so that PiC could get some uninterrupted work done. I’d intended only to go for about 20 minutes but we were out for an hour because we kept running into people. JB ran into a past schoolmate and had to stop to say hi. I never had the experience of going to the school in my neighborhood and seeing my friends at school around my home. It’s a bizarre feeling and sometimes I don’t like it because I feel hemmed in and vulnerable. Not sure what the vulnerability is about specifically, just that sometimes I want the shield of anonymity up. There’s an impulse/reaction to interrogate at a later date.

Year 2, Day 241: Our reverse osmosis system is totally down today, boooo! PiC has been trying to troubleshoot it, but no joy, alas. We’re calling in professional help.

He did fix the temperature issue in our shower so that’s a huge help. We still need to deal with our broken eaves and gutters and replace our hot water heater but that’s going to have to wait for …. either desperate times or energy, whichever comes first. I think we all know which it’ll be. Actually that leads me to….

*****

Happy(?) news: My doc came up with a medication recommendation for me to try out and see if it helps at all with the overwhelming fatigue on a couple days a week. I’m briefed on the side effects so I’m crossing my fingers that on very low dose and an as-needed basis only, the side effects will be minimal. I also have a full battery of bloodwork on order to see if there are any medical issues we can address. Obviously I have medical issues, I just got the package of ailments without solutions or treatments.

*****

Smol’s naps were pretty terrible today. That by itself isn’t so bad but after yesterday’s prolonged outing, my body was on fire with fatigue by 1:30 because I needed a lot more sitting down time before baby chasing time. PiC took over and I slumped at my desk for a few hours while muscles went back to some semblance of baseline tolerable pain. Not awesome.

Year 2, Day 242: I’m on my second to last set of Invisalign aligners. I’m a month away from having to make the decision about whether I am happy with the new alignment. At my recent check up, I was uncomfortable with being so close because while the alignment of my teeth has been corrected, my bite is uncomfortable in this configuration. Well it feels like this set of aligners is tackling that but OMG OWCHHHH. It feels like every tooth is screaming.

Also I was told that I’d have to wear my retainers full time for 12 months (preferable 18 months) to ensure they don’t move again *cries*

*****

We had a last minute lunch guest. A dear friend we don’t see often enough retired recently and has been traveling the world having adventures. She realized that she has been very responsible with her money, enough so she has enough for years and years, and very few needs and responsibilities so she can afford to go live her life and enjoy it instead of working.

I’m so happy for her and am so eager to join her in the post-work life stage. We joked that even if I didn’t have a dozen things I wanted to do, I’d be happy to retire to enjoy a time of good food, good rest and good dogs, without work.

PiC and I both grumbled that we don’t want to work tomorrow and / or anymore and he asked me if we could retire now.

Sure but it’ll be a short retirement! I wish I (and my job) were the sabbatical type but I’m more of a push hard for the final goal and don’t look back type. Since sabbaticals aren’t possible in my line of work anyway, I have to embrace the means that are available to me.

Seeing my friend was a boost to the soul. I missed her and miss my other dear friends so much.

Year 2, Day 243: I didn’t have the day off work for Veterans Day but the day after a school day off is still disorienting.

*****

Every time I think about the climate and how we have all kinds of possible solutions and it feels like there is zero effective political will to do anything about this before our time runs out, I catch myself holding my breath. Symbolic unconscious reaction, I suppose, for a world that may all too soon be uninhabitable for humans of today. I don’t know how to fight the existential dread that all of this is for naught because we cannot, as a planet of people, get our acts together on a global and nation-sized scale. This can’t be about individual action anymore, and that realization that we’re depending on people leading countries to do something while it seems like the world is being taken over by right wing fascists… I don’t know how anyone functions like we’ll have a tomorrow.

It’s getting harder for me not to feel like hiding under the bed. For a multitude of reasons, certainly, but this one’s a biggie.

:: How are you coping this week? How do you feel about contests and doing things for the sake of winning vs for the sake of enjoying them?

November 8, 2021

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (75)

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 232: So the good news? Smol slept in until 730 am!!

The bad news is I woke up every hour because of internal temperature fluctuations, I’d wake up in a sweat, then wake up freezing, and then leapt out of bed at 1 am startled because my subconscious brain was positive that something was wrong. By 9 am, my entire body was fatigued beyond belief.

But Smol’s sleeping in was so much appreciated.

*****

JB was so wiped from the day before that they slept in until 930 which was both surprising and appreciated too, just in a different way.

They are grumpy that there’s laundry to put away again. Yeah shocking how with two kids there’s always some laundry to put away, isn’t it? Also shocking there’s always food to be cooked and dishes to wash as well. Life requirements, so tiresome!

*****

Light rain all day. I’m glad for the gentleness, we need the rain but the heavy rains bring worries of floods.

*****

My doctor’s office wanted me to take the 13 question questionnaire meant to ferret out depression and can I ask if there’s anyone who isn’t feeling most of those things every day? As an example: Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless; Little interest or pleasure in doing things; Feeling tired or having little energy; Feeling nervous, anxious or on edge. Yes, yes, yes, and yes…. who isn’t??

I function but of course I feel all these things every single day.

A friend pointed out that it’s the people who ignore the pandemic and just live like nothing’s changed who aren’t experiencing this. They’re probably right and that ticks me off too. This could have been so much better, and we could be back to some semblance of a safer normal, if it weren’t for people acting like we aren’t in a deadly pandemic.

I can’t help but feel bitter that the tide shifted from alarm and attention to the “fuck them, I’m fine” attitude the moment the data started showing that this affects PoC more than white people. And it’s not like they were hiding it. They just came right out and said so.

***** (more…)

November 1, 2021

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (74)

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 225: My Anxiebees were incredibly active today, slowing down my brain processing by a factor of ten, and inspired a new design (women’s V-neck; standard tee). I stopped to make those to burn off some of that oppressive worry / stress / brain fog / creeping depression / fiddly twitchy feelings.

*****

I had Royal Pains on in the background while I was working and Henry Winkler’s character — can I just say, MAJOR FLASHBACKS. That scene when he and Evan talk about his taking all their money: “You’re gonna get your money back, day or two, week tops.”

That exact same expression on his face is what was on my dad’s face when I was following up with him on getting the money back from the loan I’d made. That lying manipulative asshole expression of “trust me, I’m your father” when he really meant “trust me, I need to take more of your money.” That shook me pretty hard. I still can’t deal with these flashbacks. I think about how angry Hank was, and how angry I am, and how that tracks as we were the responsible siblings. How easily Evan forgave him, I still can’t wrap my head around. Maybe it’s because he had a protector, where neither the Hank character or I did.

*****

I finally asked Michael’s if they were still going to ship my fabric. They confirmed that the fabric was still in stock, and that their warehouse was just ten days behind. I started to ask if it was ten days in addition to the two weeks they’re already late but decided that doesn’t matter. It’ll get here when it gets here, it definitely won’t be in time for me to get through my holiday projects. They sent a $10 gift card for my trouble so that was nice since there’s nothing they can do to hurry along the shipment. I guess it’s a good thing I bought that back up fabric after all. Now I just need to learn to sew on the machine! 😬

***** (more…)