By: Revanche

Preoccupied; LDRs are rough

August 28, 2008

BF and I are having a major difference of opinions and I’ve a bit of turmoil about it. In an nutshell? He’s ready for marriage, and I’m not. The point is being pressed because there’s a possibility that I may be, for a number of reasons, required to make some significant life changes and the idea that this LDR may be indefinitely LD is distressing to him.

The uncertainty is distressing to me as well, but the idea of dropping my career mid-stride to move to the Bay without any job prospects or direction just to marry him now that he’s ready to start a family is not palatable either. I don’t oppose the idea of starting a family, and certainly don’t oppose the idea of starting it with him, but even without considering the current upheaval that I’m navigating, it’s unreasonable to be upset/impatient with me because I’m not on the same timetable.

We’re a number of years apart, and I’m simply not ready to make that commitment before I’m actually ready.

I’ve got to take another step on my career path; there are things I want to accomplish that may take me away from where he’s based and while an LD BF is workable, I definitely don’t want to have an LD husband!

Limiting myself to NorCal in finding a challenging and rewarding job is daunting when my industry is most concentrated on the East Coast.

Besides the practical considerations, I need at least a year to re-establish myself and get my bearings outside of a highly toxic and discriminatory environment; I’ve lost my balance in a lot of ways and I’ve got entirely the wrong mentality to be starting a stressful new phase of a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong: I want marriage, and I want kids — eventually. And I definitely want my pets and my financial security and all of that. But I don’t want to jump the gun on marriage, especially not job and prospect-less, because I don’t want to start my marriage resentful and insecure in not pulling my own weight in the relationship.

I’m having flash-forwards to being alone in a strange city years from now, having pursued career instead of family and finding myself unhappy with both. Alternatively, I’m seeing myself in the apartment, jobhunting and depressed, but married. There’s a middle road, somewhere, I just know there is.

This, too, shall pass. Right?

6 Responses to “Preoccupied; LDRs are rough”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been there. Done the LD thing. Dated a guy who wanted to marry before I was ready. Don’t be afraid of the future. Even a future “alone in a strange city”. It can be wonderful too! My life didn’t take me in the direction I planned, but it has been fascinating and worthwhile. I hope it continues to be.

  2. If your boyfriend is unhappy with the distance between you two and want to marry you, then he will have to come to you. I’m not sure why he expects you to put your career on hold if he won’t.

    I also strongly believe that you should not marry if you’ve been LD for a while. You need to spend some time close together (annoyingly close together, if possible) to see if you still find the idea of marriage palatable.

    Anyway, just my opinion. Obviously I don’t know the specifics of your situation. However, don’t let the fear of never being married push you into a marriage you’re not ready for.

  3. Sense says:

    you are remaining true to what you are feeling. that’s all you have to guide you, really! If you had said you really want to marry him right now but weren’t sure of logistics, money, etc., i’d say go for it anyway. but you didn’t say that, so…this is one of those things that the two of you will have to come to a compromise on. or not. either way, i’m sure you won’t let either of your nightmare scenarios come to fruition.

  4. Revanche says:

    anon: I hope it’s not terribly obvious, but I’m not a girl who likes change. But, knowing that and being remarkably contrary means that I force myself outside my comfort zone frequently. At this point, I’ve stopped trying to plan my *life* per se, and try to focus on laying goals and working towards them.

    paranoidasteroid: That’s a bit of a sticking point for me as well. I just expect the same support and understanding that I gave him when he first interviewed and moved away.

    The funny thing is, I never had marriage in my life plans when I was a kid. It was career career career, never marriage for marriage’s sake. It’s sharing my life with the right person that is important to me, not the state of marriage.

    sense: We’ll figure something out. Or not. I don’t know, I just have to power through it for now because I have to concentrate on making things happen. Then we’ll figure it out.

  5. Karen says:

    Sorry I’m late to this. I would hope that he would be willing to move to be with you and not just expect you to make all of the compromises.
    For me, I want a man who supports me and treats me as an equal; my career decisions should be just as important as his.
    You have a lot on your plate and I think you should make yourself and your happiness a priority.

  6. Revanche says:

    karen: That’s something we’re going to have to discuss more in depth. To be fair, he’s been supportive up until now about the possibility of major life changes, but reality is probably settling in and he’s not ready to compromise because he wants to be near his family, and to start a family.
    I’m still going to do the best I can because I can’t rely on any knight in any kind of armor to rescue me from poor decision making, so we’ll figure out the relationship thing along the way.

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