By: Revanche

Speaking of weddings

August 9, 2009

[Stacking Pennies, Paranoid Asteroid, Sallie’s Niece, who else am I forgetting?]

I’ve sown the first (second, truthfully) seed.

No, not that one. The other one. The one where I tell one member of my family, a beloved cousin, that I’m just not on for that wedding + extended family + people I Don’t Even Know nonsense. Present company excepted, I’m just not into the wedding hullaballoo and not to be surprised if I elope.

She didn’t give me the You’d Better Tell Me! ultimatum like my other cousin did. Which is good. That means she’s not taking it too seriously, but now she knows the possibility is out there.

*rubbing hands in anticipation*

I feel like a total rebel. There’s been one non-traditional wedding in the family in the last 25 years, and that was only acceptable because the two in question were two older adults who weren’t expected to be their parents’ showcases. [Because their parents were deceased.]

It wasn’t until this past year that I realized that all my stressing about saving at least $25,000 for a wedding that I wasn’t going to enjoy just because I wanted to honor my family’s expectations was just crap.

1 – I hate being the center of attention. My poor mom kept trying to talk sense into me: you only get this chance once, it’s your only special day, everybody will want to see you…. but she never realize that last point was always the endgame. I like my friends, I like some of my family. I love spending time with them. But I hate being in the spotlight! It makes me feel like a spastic, awkwardly grinning monkey.

2 – I really hate being in the spotlight. Hate hate hate. I’ve served as bridesmaid often enough to be happy I’m just in the sidelines of the spotlight, but I grinned and bore it for the love of my friends who were reveling in their special day.

3 – I like the work involved in putting a wedding together, I’ve done enough of them to know the drill, the dance and the panic polka, and it’s kind of fun, really, but that’s more because I’m a workaholic. Thus, I like the work. And it’s fun creating a bride’s vision. But I just don’t really have a vision of my own. I’ve never looked at the weddings I’ve attended, been in, or worked on and said, “laaaa-siiiighhhh, I want mine to be juuuust like thaaaat.” Given the chance, I might be able to pick a dress. But that’s about it.

So this is my thought. If I get married, I’m really pushing hard for an elopement, or a civil ceremony and a small friends + family party. I just don’t feel the imperative to prove it to the world in the form of perfectly arranged flowers, too much fluffy tulle, and organizational gymnastics. The world doesn’t know me, or particularly care.

Besides, marriage isn’t about that. It’s about the relationship, which is best homespun and supplied with plenty of food and laughter. So I’m not betraying anything, I’m just taking it down a notch to simplicity.

P.S. Ladies currently planning or intending to plan your weddings? Please continue! I love attending a lovely wedding. I like wedding pictures, even watching the wedding video afterwards, if it’s good. I just doubt I can handle being the bride myself. 🙂

9 Responses to “Speaking of weddings”

  1. i agree with 1-3. Yet somehow I’ve veered from elopement, to “fine, we’ll let our parents/siblings come”, to “ok, I guess we’ll do something low key and invite relatives/friends come if they want, but not make a big deal about it”, to a that low key thing plus the standard craziness back in the midwest.

    In my defense the midwest craziness is 100% T’s parents doing, and they will plan it and pay for it, and it’ll probably be fun in the end, despite being the center of attention, primarily of people I’ve never met.

    On the other hand, I was never really set on elopement, I just personally didn’t want to plan anything. 🙂

    I hope you get you way — is marriage potentially in the near term timeline for you, or is this 100% “someday” talk?

  2. LOL! Your mom is right: it is your special day. You get to exactly what you want with it!

    My father paid my (ex)husband to elope with me, because he didn’t want to spend the tens of thousands of bucks my mother’s plans were fast adding up to. He gave us enough to furnish our first apartment. Which was better than a one-day party for a bunch of people who didn’t care a fig of either of us. I guess. 😉

  3. Anonymous says:

    From my observations with friends & family, it is nearly impossible is really hard to keep it small even if you say you want a low-key event with immediate family and a few close friends. At least I have never seen it actually accomplished!

    I eloped for your reason #1. I hate being in the spotlight. I’m glad we did it that way, but no one I know, I mean zero, who said they would elope or keep it simple actually did. My husband and I were always a bit rebellious!

  4. You know, my ex and I did the dog and pony show to please our families. I wouldn’t do that again. If I were to remarry (not something I want right now), it would be just the two of us on the beach.

  5. Revanche says:

    stackingpennies: Yeah, I know, it’s so much easier to issue declarations like this when I don’t have to take other family members into account.

    This is 99% “someday” talk.

    FAM: Grass seems greener on this side of the fence, and not just because of the money 😉

    I think she meant “do what you want as long as it’s what I want, too.”

    Anon: When I was convinced of the need to do the big wedding, no one in my circle of family or friends had ever even considered elopement.

    I’ve now been (shhh!) witness to one elopement, and gotta say, it’s not so bad! But it was fun because I was part of it. Don’t know how I’d feel if I were left on the outside of the elopement circle by a good friend.

    Frugal Zeitgeist: Does that mean you would have skipped it if you had to do it all over again (but still get married)?

  6. Bonnie says:

    My stepmother just called me the other night and pretty much told me that my dad will not be paying for my wedding. (I’m not engaged, although in a long-term relationship.) Which is fine, and I wasn’t really expecting him to. It’s interesting how some parents dream of their daughter’s wedding and want this huge thing and will spare no expense. My dad is the total opposite. I think he would rather that we take a nice trip and get married wherever that is. I’m sure he would contribute toward that. It’s starting to be way fine with me, because I agree with you on many points that you raised–esp. the “I hate being the center of attention” one. I’ve always dreaded that about my own wedding! Don’t look at me! 😛 Also, I’m in my 30s now, BF is in his 40s, and things that might have been important to me as say, a 24-year-old just don’t matter now.

  7. Haha, I would have agreed with you 100% on this before I got engaged. Hell, before this year. Now look at the nightmare circus it has turned into!

  8. I am with you on no big wedding BS

    I just want the food, to be honest. A big platter of delicious food, a cute new dress and shoes to wear, and that is about it.

    The rest? Not important to me…

  9. Revanche says:

    Bonnie: I wonder if it’s just something you grow out of as you mature and start understanding the real priorities in life? By that I mean: your comfort level vs. pleasing your parents if you really truly hate the spotlight.

    paranoidasteroid: LOL, I empathize. From very far away. 😉

    FB: Oh yes, wherever I go, whatever I do, the food better be fabulous!

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