By: Revanche

It’s quite a bit muchish

September 16, 2009

Six hours after hearing the news, I’m still unable to breathe normally or stop the tears. There’s no emotional distance to be had, not tonight, nor any of the composure I’ll need when I make the call in the morning. Or in a few hours. It’s already morning.

A very good friend’s father lies in the hospital tonight. Today. He won’t be coming home. Two of his children are already by his side, the third makes haste to arrange matters by tomorrow. A great heartache is in the offing, a great man is dying of end stage liver cancer.

Mr. S was one of the few adults left in my life who remained the pinnacle of a respected elder. He humbly set an example without ever breaking stride, without disappointing me by descending into pettiness like so many adults I’ve grown up among have done. He made smart, solid decisions, provided for his family and I really kind of wanted to be just like him when I grew up. He was, in many ways, like my beloved grandma.

I keep hearing myself say “but we still have so much to learn from him!” and “it’s just not fair!”

And it’s not.

I write in broken hope that it might ease the realization into my heart so that I can be there for the family in some small way this week. It has to, my throat keeps closing with grief when I remember why I’m going call them and see them.

9 Responses to “It’s quite a bit muchish”

  1. 444 says:

    I’m sorry, and you’re right – I was thinking while reading, before even getting to the part where you said it, “It’s not fair.” And it’s not. It isn’t! There’s no fairness. I still don’t understand it. There’s no way to sort it out in your brain – no answer, no solution, no piece to complete the puzzle, no salve for the pain even, really. I mean – I don’t mean to discourage. I’m the last person to know about pain-salve. You know what they say – they say it is “time.” Time fades, weathers, erodes at pain in a way. But the time effect hasn’t even started yet.

    I’m sorry.

  2. So sorry to hear this. 🙁 *Hugs*

  3. L.A. Daze says:

    I’m sorry 🙁 This is so sad and not fair at all. *Big hug*.

  4. mOOm says:

    I’m sorry to hear about this sad news for you.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry. Hugs.

  6. eemusings says:

    What a hard time for all of you – my thoughts are with you guys.

  7. RC says:

    Wow. Major bummer. It’s definitely sad to lose anyone who’s been a part of your life, but even worse when it’s someone who has held some importance in your life.

    Hang in there and try to focus on the good times and good lessons that this person represents.

  8. Sense says:

    So, so sorry for him, you, his family, friends…he sounds like a very wonderful person.

    I think of my grandparents every day, and no…it is never fair nor does it make sense to lose someone who is so amazing, and who means so much to so many people. Who spreads such GOOD in the world.

    I suppose all we can do is be happy for the time that we got to be with them, hold the memories close, and to make them proud even in abstentia.

    Even if you don’t ‘do anything’ to help his family, I bet that they will be grateful to have someone like you share in their grief with them, someone who knows what a sorrowful day it will be and how much the world will lose when he isn’t in it any longer.

  9. Revanche says:

    Thank you all for your thoughts and good wishes.

    444- you’re absolutely right. There’s not an ounce of rhyme or reason to this. And that might be what makes it easier for me to counsel the younger sib of the family. For better or worse, I’m upfront about the fact that I’m totally angry about this, know that anger is useless, and keep on moving to take care of that which needs taking care of. Nothing else to be done.

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