That sounds like a, “no” then. Lotsa red flags there. Thanks, but no thanks.
Man, that Callahan’s saloon thing, “Shared joy is multiplied, shared sorrow is lessened” or whatever keeps popping up around me this week. Maybe I should reread some of the books.
Yeah, it was an immediate backpedaling “ighhh!” Which would be a bit insulting if I’d actually expressed it honestly. I think the ambivalence was over how to phrase it once I’d chewed it over. While I do believe in honesty, sometimes you only need an ounce, rather than the whole glass.
At first, I was gonna say what a cool idea! Then when you were mourning SiL’s distance since your friendship cooled, even after your marrying her brother, I was gonna say well, maybe she feels awkward; maybe she doesn’t know what to say. And then up pops “we are probably less flaky than their first choice, the other probably-to-be-engaged-soon-in-their-group couple.ā
Seriously? REALLY? She said that?
Wow. You have all the luck with relatives, don’t you?
My unasked-for advice? RUN! FLEE!!!!!! Do not even think of participating in this circus. Have your own reception, preferably in Tahiti. Invite only your closest friends. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Tell the relatives it’s not a family affair, because the expected hijinks will not be appropriate for prigs…uhm, nice girls like SiL.
Seriously. It’s your wedding. It should be your reception. And if you can’t bear to plan the darn thing, hire someone else to do the job for you. Friend of mine is an events director at a country club…that’s what she does for a living. Find someone like that in San Francisco.
Whoever keeps saying “You’re not given more than you can bear” can bite me. So yeah. I do have all the luck. I do have a few good relatives, of course. And I’m resourceful, I “adopt” great friends’ families whole cloth. My surrogate families, I call them. But I can’t eliminate the blood ties entirely on this side the way I can cut ties with mine.
Haha, the friends-only caper still wouldn’t cut the crap, SIL is part of the old gang, as is her intended. And in any case, this comes at a time when I hadn’t made any decisions one way or another which added to my ambivalence of responding. Which might be my best response: you go ahead and plan without us, we don’t know what we’re going to do yet.
Ah. I like “we don’t know…” That could work. It’s a little transparent. On the other hand, it has the benefit of making the other person feel smug, which could divert attention from your real meaning.
Have you changed your mind and want to do a party? If not, then “Thanks for the offer, but we’re not planning to have a party” sounds like a good response to me.
On the other hand, I see potential upside. It sounds like they basically want you to help pay for their party in exchange for allowing you to invite some guests. If you think that you can keep costs contained without too much effort, then you can have the party and make your family happy (assuming this would satisfy their need for a party) without doing anything more than laying out some cash. You can just smile, nod, and approve all their plans without having to put any energy into it. It won’t be they way you’d do it, but, tbh, a professional won’t do it the way you would unless you micromanage her (i.e. effort). Then you are off the hook for the party thing, which you don’t care about anyway. That you don’t like them much does not have to enter the picture if you are using them to achieve a desired goal, rather than doing them a favor. Just a thought.
I hadn’t changed my mind – I hadn’t made ANY decision. The irritating thing about this was, among other things, it had the potential of forcing my hand so they could have what they wanted regardless of what we wanted, or in spite of my family again.
Neither the “savings” (minimal to none) or the idea of getting the party over with (which isn’t really the point for me) is attractive.
I don’t want to kill myself doing the wholly traditional thing top to bottom but I don’t want to just give them money to get the thing over with – I feel like that’s disrespectful to my family (the few I care about) and to my friends who aren’t part of the shared group who have waited to celebrate with us. Also to the ones who don’t know that we’ve married already and would be really confused by that sort of arrangement.
hmmmm….. You know, my long-gone mother once said that when you marry and start your own household, you get to build and grow your OWN traditions. And they should be yours. That’s another good reason to celebrate your own wedding with your own event, whether it’s a party or skydiving out of a purple balloon from the upper stratosphere. Seems to me you shouldn’t feel pressured — or allow anyone else to make you feel pressured — to do anything whose prospect doesn’t make you 100% happy.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Having a party would certainly put an end to this discussion, but you do not sound happy. BTW, I’m sorry I voted in favor of a party in your last post about this topic. This should not make you miserable. There is nothing worse to see than an unhappy bride or groom at their own reception.
The Lost Goat’s thoughts on putting in less effort by doing a shared thing are valid. I was going to say it doesn’t sound like savings will be to your benefit since you share so little guest overlap.
And I can’t think of any covert way to find out if the MIL is heavily involved in the planning or not. From my (admittedly limited) point of view I agree with the consensus here: say thanks but no thanks.
Also, your reasons are not petty. The things they have put you through in the name of their convenience, especially regarding your mother… I wouldn’t wish those things on an enemy, much less someone like you who tries so hard to rise above and be a kind and generous person. Don’t excuse their nasty behavior by calling your reasons petty. <3
(T and one of his mates, yonks ago, joked about having a shared wedding. Thankfully, it was just a joke. That friend got married last month with all the frills and a huge bash.)
You DESERVE an awesome party for you two. I can’t even count the reasons. But you do. This needs to happen.
Have a party when YOU are ready…none of this shared non-sense. It sounds more like a nightmare than anything really. It’s really heartbreaking to read about how people acted right after your mother’s death. I cannot believe the insensitivity.
The readiness is definitely a big factor because I’m barely even ready to think about it again. Especially as it raises all those thoughts about last year which I’d not reconciled.
My first response is don’t do it. But if you want to consider it, then ask PiC to find out how much involvement (control) his mother will have. Otherwise, it sounds like it will not be about the 2 of you at all and probably be warped into something worse feeling.
It seems sad enough that you don’t adore your MIL or your SIL, given that they will possibly be pretty important to your husband. It seems sad enough that you and your mom didn’t get to share the occasion of your marriage and that your grief got little or no respect or compassion at the time. It seems to me that there is so much weight on the side of this being a really rather bad idea, sharing a reception, that I can’t imagine why you would want to go down this road except to save money. Can I suggest that if you need to save money that much, you should just wait a while longer and save up some more? Because if things go as badly as it sounds like they might, I can see all the more negative memories and associations for you to deal with and that can’t be good for you or for your relationship. If you can see a resentment waiting for you in the road ahead, I think it’s foolish to keep on a collision course with it; better to change direction and avoid it!
I think the graceful way out is to say that you’d rather her day was just HER day and that you’d like for your occasion to be just YOUR occasion. Given that things were a bit sad around the wedding, you’d like to take a bit more time and then be sure that your reception is just the way YOU want it. You’d like to form some really happy memories and that sharing the reception doesn’t seem the way to do that just now. If it annoys them, well, that’s their problem. If you go along to keep the peace, I worry you might regret that for a long time.
Honestly, from my own point of view, there was really nothing in this for us, this came from *their* needing to save money – I have never discussed that with them. They proposed this just assuming that we shared that desire, that we would want to because there was a phantom factor of potential savings and a shared commonality but I haven’t got any need to do a reception on a timeline and to save like this.
I can wait or I can just spend the blasted money and make it back some other way – money just isn’t that important.
But I simply don’t have any more emotional reserves to spend.
You need to do what makes you happy, and sharing YOUR special day with who you want to be there. My initial reaction was similar to the commenters above, this didn’t sound like a good idea when your gut was telling you it wasn’t, then the off-handed mean comments from the person you’d share the reception with (SIL), and their disrespect for your mother and yourself… This just seems like it’s convenient for your SIL, and a way for them to save money. Don’t be afraid to say “no”, it will be easier than gritting your teeth through this. *hugs* Hope that you and PiC can talk about this and decide for what is best for the both of you.
The funny (..whatever the word is) thing is, those weren’t even considered “mean”. Those were just normal comments. She (SIL) is the nicest one of the group. Go figure. But yes, this just isn’t the right thing. It’s not a fit.
Oh gosh, people can be so insensitive. And I agree with Katie, these reasons are not petty. If you’re going to go through with having a reception of some sort, you should do it in a way that works for you, not in a way that continues to put your in-laws convenience above yourself.
If people can’t respect the fact that you need time to heal after losing your mother, well…they’re stupid.
I think the easy way out is to tell them that you want to let SIL have a day that is about her/her guy. Then, when you’re ready, you and PiC can have a party that celebrates you two. You can find a way to work something about your mother in if you feel it would be right. It is hard, but at some point I think you will be able to have a celebration and enjoy it. I’m sure you will always feel her absence, and I’m not saying you’ll get over it or it will be easy, but I think you guys will be able to throw a party that works for you AND satisfies your family, in time.
Thank you. Once in a while, that which has become normal, which I’m pretty sure is just plain stupid and yet I can’t point that out, point blank and in plain words, gets to me. And it gets poisonous. I usually ask for a sanity check but I get tired.
