By: Revanche

The wedding band debate

December 4, 2013

The question is pretty simple, really: should I get (do I really need) a wedding band?

PiC is in favor.
I am opposed.

My argument:
1. I already have a perfectly lovely engagement ring that he spent a fair amount of money on a few years ago. It does the job just fine and we’ve got to get about ten years of continuous wear out of it before I stop trying to calculate the amortized cost.
2. It does double duty: gem facing up = engagement! gem facing my palm = wedding! I just turn the ring around when I want to see just a band and I’m all set.
3. I don’t even get to wear this ring (or anything) all the time because I have Sausage Fingers Days where I risk the ring cutting off all circulation to my phalanges. What’s the point in getting a second ring that I can’t wear much either?
4. If I were to buy a band, there’s this sense that it has to match this ring. And it’d be nice to like that. That costs … more than I want to spend. A case of champagne taste for a (non craft) beer budget.

PiC’s argument:
Because I said so.

Obviously, I’m just trawling the Internet for support of my cheapy ways but seeing as how Twitter folk have turned on me and supported PiC more than once, it’s not a sure bet. Come on guys, say I’m right!

27 Responses to “The wedding band debate”

  1. Well, we’re leaning towards not getting a wedding band for me just to save money somewhere, and getting an anniversary band on our 1 year anniversary. But there are plenty of nice bands under $100 so who knows maybe I will get one. I think it’s perfectly fine to just have the engagement ring.

    • Revanche says:

      That would be a great compromise. I could enjoy an anniversary ring sometime down the road in a year where we haven’t spent so much & my hands are better.

  2. Nikki says:

    We each wore our engagement bands as wedding rings for years, at the ceremony and after. Awhile back that ring started cutting into my finger, so other half replaced it with a more comfortable $25 one and now I wear just that single band. So…a ring means what you say it means. If it’s important to your partner to give you a wedding ring proper, that’s his priority and you can be generous in accepting it…but really…I’d try to talk my way out of it. So: you’re right!

    • Revanche says:

      Luckily this is more in the realm of an academic debate, he won’t try to force me to spend our money on something I can’t wear 🙂

  3. eemusings says:

    Ha why have I not thought of the flipping thing before? Esp as my hands swell and contract a lot so half the time t is loose and in the wrong position.

    I didn’t want a band, I wanted a cool ring for my other han and failed miserably on thatmission, so no ring for me. One is plenty. Solidarity (if you win this argument).

    • Revanche says:

      Hah I never really thought of the cool ring for the other hand, thing, I’m a little surprised that was rejected 😉

  4. dojo says:

    We skipped the engagement so we just got married. The wedding bands we have were cheap (we like simple ones, just 2 ‘rings’ of gold), so they didn’t make a dent in our pocket. We gave some gold in exchange (10 grams or so) and got 2 lovely bands for it. The money we gave the jeweler to make them was just 70 bucks. And we’re very happy this way 🙂

  5. MaryE says:

    Well, I have a wedding band and no engagement ring. We couldn’t afford both and so we got wedding bands with a design on them. His is still intact, unworn [he was a mechanic – rings a no-no] after 40 years of marriage. Mine is now shiny and cut because I gained too much weight and had to have it cut off .
    So me – I’m big on wedding bands, not so big on engagement rings doing double duty.
    Here are my thoughts regarding your situation – but this is your situation for you two to work out – marriage is grand! Pic may be more traditional than once thought.
    1] Pic really, really wants you to have one, apparently.
    2]No, they do not have to match or be expensive.
    3]Pic really wants you to have one.
    4] You could go for a thin band in a contrasting metal color – ie. yellow and white gold, or even a mix.
    5] Pic really wants you to have one.
    6] Getting one lets him win this and gives you leverage for the next issue.
    and finally
    7] He seems to really want you to have one – it will make him happy – will it make you happy to have him happy?

    Best of luck to both of you on this, and wishing you many decades of marriage.

    • Revanche says:

      “it will make him happy – will it make you happy to have him happy?”
      This is normally my policy but not when it’s something I have good reasons not to spend the money. I DID go look at rings with him just to keep the door open but realized that I disliked everything they had on offer, so I’d end up wanting something more than we can & should spend right now. Like one of the commenters above, I think it’d be more meaningful later if / when I CAN wear it regularly.

  6. Luisa in Dallas says:

    You’re right! Even disregarding the cost, you don’t need or want another ring, so stand firm.

  7. Linda says:

    I bowed to peer pressure when it came to getting an engagement ring. I really didn’t want one, nor did I have a desire to get a huge diamond, but at least one friend pushed me on this issue and told me I’d really regret it. So, I insisted on a diamond engagement ring. We shopped for a diamond and not a diamond ring, which means I ended up with a simple solitaire set in a plain band.

    Getting wedding rings was important to me, and I had seen a design I really liked at a specialty shop. My engagement ring and my wedding band did not match in any way, and I was perfectly happy with that.

    After 11 years of marriage, I’m now divorced and glad to have that diamond engagement ring in case I ever get desperate and need to sell it for cash. 😉 I’ve found that I really don’t care for wearing rings in general, so the wedding band that I really wanted is also put away in a safe place.

    • Revanche says:

      Ah, peer pressure. 🙂 I was really weirded out by THIS ring at first, having never worn rings to begin with, but I’m used to it now and it feels weird w/o it. I do like the very simple solitaire/plain band design. Did you wear your two rings together, at the time? And I often wonder about the resale value of these diamond rings ….

      Well that sounds terrible, I’m not always trying to figure out how much I can get for my ring! Just a PF blogger’s usual mental track: COULD you get as much as you paid for this?

      • Linda says:

        I did wear both of my rings together all the time. They were both yellow gold, so they “matched” in that sense, but the engagement ring was a simple band and the wedding ring was incised with designs. (The band design was Celtic and had snakes on it. I actually like snakes and the fact they symbolize rebirth/new life appealed to me for such a big decision/change.)

        I’m not sure what sort of value the rings have beyond the basic value of the gold, but if I need money, someone will pay be cash for them. It doesn’t really matter whether I’ve gotten a full return on them. Actually, ANY money I got for them would be a full return since I didn’t pay for them out of my personal accounts, he did. 😉

  8. MaryE says:

    After looking at the comments, including mine, I think you and PiC may need to discuss this and find out why he feels you should have a wedding band and why you seem so firmly against. An engagement ring is not a wedding band, not even if you turn it around 🙂
    PiC may have a reason that is very important to him and you both have just committed to a life together. This often means that you work these things out together, not by bringing in others to take sides, but figuring out how to balance both people’s needs in a way that makes the marriage better.

    • Revanche says:

      Oh I may have made this sound like a bigger deal than it is. He and I differ in opinion but it’s not a topic of constant conversation or discord. It’s more of a joking / academic debate and the situation is fluid 🙂 We’ll figure out what works for us.

      • MaryE says:

        It is an interesting topic and brought out many differing opinions – kind of neat.
        I’ve moved into your camp.
        I did not realize you had looked and could not find a ring you liked I, too, would not want to pick a ring I didn’t like or feel I had to get one for more than I wanted to spend. I do feel a wedding band is the more important ring, but that is me.
        Since, I didn’t want to spend the money it would cost to fix my own, somewhat wide, wedding band, I do get not wanting to spend on something you don’t like, I use a thinner band that was once a friend’s.
        I wish you both the best of luck in a “meeting of the minds” on this and many years of laughing about it.

  9. Jen says:

    Didn’t you guys get married a couple of years ago. I am not a reagular reader, but I do like to check in with your blog. It’s surprising to see all these wedding posts, but I distinctly remember you posting about your wedding. Is this a reception? If it’s a reception, why is the question of rings coming up just now?

    • Revanche says:

      We did legally but didn’t have time to worry about rings at the time. We had always intended to celebrate in a reception w/family & friends right after. It’s just my mom died almost immediately after & I couldn’t bear the thought of having a reception w/o her for a long time. So now we’re having it w/a small tidbit of traditional ceremony that’s important to me, so that we can include the families in a meaningful way. That’s why all the wedding/ring talk 🙂

  10. Are there any family rings you could use?

    • Revanche says:

      Only my mother’s, unfortunately, which wouldn’t fit me w/o resizing and that’s still too fresh a wound for me to want to use it. Maybe someday ….

  11. I think wedding bands and engagement bands are overrated but that’s just me.

    Does it MEAN anything to PiC for you to have it? Or is he simply arguing to have it because you say no? If it means something to him, maybe you can meet somewhere in the middle? Or just agree – and then have him consent to something YOU REALLY WANT. ^_^;

    PS – Maybe you should get your engagement ring resized?

    • Revanche says:

      Hah his reasoning is as listed above so I don’t know that it means anything to him – he hasn’t said so! #NotAMindReader.

      Can’t resize it cause then I’ll just not be able to wear it when I’m normal, it fits just right for normal situations now.

  12. Katie C. says:

    I think you’re right! Though I’d prefer to only have a wedding band instead of only having an engagement ring. I get nervous about losing mine, so I don’t usually take it with me when I travel. I just wear the band because it was $90, so there’s no anxiety there of it being stolen or lost. (I’d still be heartbroken, but it wouldn’t be as expensive to replace is what I mean.) Also, I just like the simplicity, and it kind of feels like it represents our marriage more than the diamond.

  13. Hmm… It’s an interesting question. In my generation women wore a wedding band after they were married, period. It signified that you were private property. Some divorced and widowed women who wished not to be pestered by suitors and pursuers would wear them in order to make exactly that statement: “leave this one alone.”

    Does your engagement band lend itself to a second, plain band? If so, I’d look for a nice, relatively inexpensive totally simple piece and wear it inside (i.e., closer to the heart) the jeweled band and take both the things off when they felt uncomfortable or when I was doing tasks like housecleaning or gardening. But if you hate it hate it HATE THE WHOLE IDEA OF IT, then if i were you i’d probably hold the line. You’re the bride: you get to have what you want. And you’re the woman: one way or the other you will get what you want, eventually. 😉 He might as well learn that now as later.

    Asian Pear has a good thought about the sizing. Possibly the engagement band could be resized so that it won’t cut off your circulation on bad days but not fall off on good days. Might be worth asking a jeweler.

  14. Juliet says:

    I got my wedding band on Etsy for about $40. I haven’t worn it in about two years. I don’t regret having it, but I also don’t feel obliged to wear it. Jewelry doesn’t make you married.

    Although I sometimes forget how judgmental people are toward single moms until I go out ringless with my daughter. Apparently other people notice these things (I never do).

  15. Jenny B. says:

    You have very good arguments (so good that I am wondering if I need a wedding band but first I need an engagement ring, haha) but I think PiC wins this one simply because he said so =) Also while the e-ring does work as a 2-in-1, is it comfy flipped around with the gem facing the palm? I’m thinking it may get in the way and even if it doesn’t, the clanking sound could become bothersome. But again, what do I know.

    If PiC does win and there’s no compromise, maybe you and him can look for a budget friendly wedding band? A simple wedding band of white gold/gold/color of e-ring would match. This way you have the whole set for a once-in-a-lifetime thing. What’s the overall consensus?

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