By: Revanche

Is one the loneliest number?

June 10, 2015

Or is it the perfect number?

I have a half dozen friends who were onlies and happy about it. Half a dozen others who wish they were onlies, and dozens more who are glad they had siblings.

PiC always wanted a crowd. I wanted none. Or rather, I was open to the idea of raising kids generally but never felt the urge to procreate. Adoption always seemed like a better way to go but, either way, having a family of humans wasn’t imperative.

It’s decidedly disconcerting to be pondering this mere months after having LB but it started as a practical question. We do have to figure out what to do with the pregnancy clothes and new baby accoutrements and with very little storage space, the question becomes even more pressing.

Now that we’re on the other side of a somewhat difficult pregnancy and survived a few months of a baby that hated sleeping, neither of us are under any illusion that having a baby is fun. There are rewarding moments, absolutely, and it is true that the first time (and pretty much all subsequent times) your child sees you and is so pleased ze grins like a loon is something else. It’s pretty awesome figuring out how to extract baby giggles, too.

But the survival of all involved is no mean feat either.

The physical demands: We’re not young anymore. All nighters were terrible when youth was on my side, they’re far worse now.
The emotional demands: We solely existed as parents in these months, there’s no time or energy to be partners and adult individuals. And that’s exhausting in a whole other way. The first time ze went to sleep and stayed asleep even after being put in bed, we had no idea what to do with ourselves. (We ended up having dinner and a conversation.)
Financially, good grief. Diapers, and wipes, and hiring help. Breastfeeding was a must for LB’s health and saving money but despite having it really easy compared to some, it was chemically difficult. When I was tired (All The Times) feeding or pumping triggered a serious dopamine drop and a wave of depression overtook me. I had to talk myself off a ledge every time. I even started a Twitter hashtag to distract myself from the awful feelings. Still I provided the bulk of hir nutrition because formula is so expensive.

This may sound coldhearted but on the point of sheer exhaustion alone, before we consider how hard the pregnancy was the first time, neither of us are inclined to do this again.

And yet, strange twist. Despite my own life experience, despite always ranking sibling fighting alongside death and taxes (all are certain, all suck), there is a part of me that wants LB to have a companion who could, for as long as they’re inclined to be around each other, be there to reminisce about childhood things that they’d not share with anyone else.

I can’t do that now because my sibling is, bluntly, a shit. He almost always has been but in 30+ years, we did have 2-3 years when we got along and shared that bond. This isn’t a glass half full thing, that made his later choices a far worse betrayal, but I can’t deny that I did get to have that relationship for a short time. Later, his mental issues complicated things further. Much like having gotten a couple good years with my parents before life fully hit the skids, it reminds me that though I loved and lost, LB isn’t necessarily doomed to the same fate. Some people do get to enjoy good relationships with their parents. Some people do get to share life with their sibling in a positive way. Knowing that, there’s a small part of me that wonders if I’d be depriving hir of one of the most important relationships ze could have.

Looked at another way: having this sibling was hugely formative. Would I be who I am today if I had had the older brother I yearned for? If he’d been someone who excelled and applied his numerous talents, someone who looked out for me and guided me professionally? Would I be half as strong if I hadn’t had to learn how to act both as my own advocate as well as kick my own butt to forge a road of my own? Life could have been so much easier if he worked alongside me to support our parents but would I have had the same fire and determination to grow my career to this point so that I’d have the freedom to live a real life, the ability to choose to put my family first? Or would the easier road have left me softer, somewhat less ambitious, more willing to accept less because there was a safety net rather than a chasm gaping at my heels?

Maybe I would have. But I suspect that I would be a much different, much less successful, much less driven person.

I was a born follower. I always wanted to follow big brother and so follow him I did, right through a morass of trouble and back to safety and, never incidentally, punishment. Every time. My heart was not adventurous, my dreams were nightmares, and rarely did it occur to me that there was more to life than the books I devoured. I needed someone to follow and, as charisma and vision were his domains, I would have trundled along after him like an ant following a chemical trail. Without his failures, without a big push, I might still just be following.

He always wanted a brother so he did his best to remake me in that image, manipulating me into doing his dirty work like killing the spiders, climbing fences and other stereotypically boy escapades. Scion of a matriarchal family, I was a born scrapper but I learned to throw a real punch fighting with him. And fight we did, physically and emotionally, for nearly all of our lives. Bullies, wanting a bit of superiority marked me, all bookwormy and solitary, as an easy target only to rapidly retreat when I gave as good as I got. In the process of making me his “little brother”, he preyed on my every weakness, teaching me that the very existence of fear was a soft underbelly you never showed people. To this day, I won’t confess aloud that anything scares me because that’s an invitation to be pounced on.

High school was the first time I had to make my own way and my 12-year-old knees trembled at the unfamiliar ahead of me. Mom scraped up the cash to send him to private school, worried that he’d fall in with the wrong crowd at the public school, but as the academic and responsible kid, I was on my own. That was the first time that distinction between us had been made so clearly and that would follow us the rest of our lives. I often wondered how much of the family joke, subverting the usual expectations assigned to birth order that I would be the successful one and he’d depend on me, was a self fulfilling prophecy and how much was merely an accurate read of our characters.

The truth is, in many ways, my sibling’s inability to cast a shadow was as influential in forming the person I am as anything my parents instilled in me. I learned from them: facts, figures, morality. But I became more by pushing away from him, from our friction, in my need to redeem our family reputation.

Many people take comfort in their siblings.  I am grateful when an encounter with him doesn’t give me weeks of nightmares. So it’s perhaps strange that I seemingly credit him with some large part of who I am. But it only seems fair to say that adversity tempered me and boy howdy did he throw challenges my way.

It’s not a theorem that can be solved for the best possible outcome. Much as I abhor math, I’d be working those numbers in a heartbeat if it could be done. So many “what ifs” crowd together: What if LB is like my sibling (terrible)? What if a future second kid is that awful person? What if LB would do so much better with a sibling?

All I can do is hope we do a good job with LB and have a LOT of help if we try again.

What say you? If you had them, were your siblings a joy or a bane? If you didn’t, did you wish for them? Or are you glad you dodged a bullet?  How does that inform your choice to have or not have kid(s)? 

29 Responses to “Is one the loneliest number?”

  1. moom says:

    I had a good relationship with my brother though we’ve gone in quite different directions. For example, he got married at 25 and has 5 children. I am 50 and Snork Maiden (39) is finally pregnant after a few IVF attempts. I don’t think we will have a second child hoping this one goes well as I think it will just be too exhausting at our age.

    • Revanche says:

      Congratulations!! I didn’t want to ask as that seems terribly rude but I’m happy for you both. We’re both a little younger than you two and are questioning whether we would have the energy for any more so I definitely empathize.

  2. Zenmoo says:

    I’m one of four and my husband is one of 6. Both our families are tight – we all choose to spend time together and there is minimal friction now (sure, as kids we scrapped but as adults, my family has got my back). I would have loved to have four kids – even three would be good. But I’m at 2 kids from 6 pregnancies and I just don’t know if I can do it again (mentally – my actual successful pregnancies were totally normal and easy although I was very anxious)

    • Revanche says:

      This made me a little wistful for the days when I believed my family had my back and that I’d want a crowd to share in that. My mom had a similar experience to yours, absolutely the mental toll is considerable.

  3. Jess says:

    I’m an only who was thrust into neighborhood daycare at 18 months and enjoyed the frequent company of a portion of my 40-odd cousins at least every weekend when I was a kid. My friends from daycare became (and remain) more family than friends. Any desire I felt for a sibling was satisfied by a story I concocted about a brother inexplicably named Francis, much as my pet frogs were inexplicably named Helmut, Dillman, and Basil. The main feature of Francis is that he was dead. We had adventures despite his deadness, which I recounted at length. My parents found my pseudo-imaginary sibling funny rather than disturbing and morbid, so I kept on until my friends ceased to believe my tall tales.

    Jeez that’s weird. But I was also the kid who begged for a Barbie, then stripped her naked and hung her upside-down from furniture because I was pretending she was a bat. In context, that whole imaginary dead brother thing makes a little more sense.

    I wound up with some weird personality traits: that “super first-born” garbage that comes with being an only, but also a very solid dose of being the baby from being the youngest of my cousins. I think it worked out okay, though it took some doing on my parents’ part. Having no sibs and social parents means I was very comfortable participating in adult conversations and engaging with others the way adults do from a young age. I also remain really good at entertaining myself, even though I’m an extrovert. The socializing my parents did put me in a pecking order and gave me the opportunity to have lots of kid-size spats, and I made friends with whom I had even more spats and yet loved and would do anything for.

    tl;dr So… I don’t know. I don’t know that I came out better or worse than I would have with sibs, though I wouldn’t have been able to go to as good a college, etc. Probably not worse. Probably just different. If I do have kids, I can’t imagine more than two, and one is a lot easier to see as a practical choice.

    • Revanche says:

      You have the best stories and I am so happy you share them.
      Sometimes I think one is cheaper but two entertains each other which takes the burden off me a little as an introvert 🙂

  4. I grew up with a younger brother and while we didn’t always get along it has definitely influenced by desire to have two kids. I think it is so important for kids to have someone to play with, learn from, learn to share with and grow up with. At some point, having a sibling gives you a person to take care of your parents with. No matter what, a sibling is family. They’re the person that is never going to go away.
    Ali @ Anything You Want recently posted…How Does My Net Worth Compare to Others?My Profile

    • Revanche says:

      It *is* important for kids to learn to socialize! Though I am comforted to know, as Jess aptly demonstrates, it can be achieved just as well without siblings.
      I know my parents always wanted more than one precisely because that would allow us to share the burden but they didn’t anticipate that my brother would become an unbearable burden himself long before they were old or sick. I suppose it really isn’t a thing you anticipate!

  5. I have siblings but always felt like an only child and was raised kind of like one

    We are settled on one definitively. I think more kids would be great but we don’t need any more and I’ve come to accept only one kid rather than the 4 I had initially envisioned.

    It is a crapshoot either way with one or more but I am the most happy it isn’t none.
    Save. Spend. Splurge. recently posted…What is your home really worth?My Profile

  6. Linda says:

    I have one sibling: a sister roughly two years older than me. We clashed terribly while growing up. I don’t remember her being a friend at all, and there were times we got each other in terrible trouble by tattling to parents about forbidden pursuits. (I still think I got the worse punishment for something as it nearly got me kicked out of the house to live on the streets at 16.)

    After more than 40 years, we’ve recently formed a warm and loving relationship with each other, but I feel that it could still be easily unbalanced.

    I don’t think the relationship with my sister had anything to do with my choice not to have children. I think that had more to do with having such an emotionally abusive and difficult relationship with my parents while growing up. I not only didn’t want to repeat the mistakes of my parents, I learned that I had to focus mainly on taking care of myself in order to survive, and I couldn’t see how bringing a child into my life would allow that.
    Linda recently posted…Money talk: loans to family and friendsMy Profile

    • Revanche says:

      Wow that is one heck of a testament to the resilience of siblinghood that you can now have a positive relationship.

      Very good points about parents. I focused primarily on sibling here because I have control over whether or not to try for a sibling but for better or for worse, LB is stuck with us for parents. Still, that’s a hugely important and formative relationship too.

  7. I have four siblings and Peanut has three, but that’s not entirely what drove us to have a second child. Partly it was because we had a hard time wrapping our minds around how to raise a single kid, and partly it was because I felt that Pickle would have a better life if I couldn’t focus on her with 1000% intensity like I had because of her difficult start, and I didn’t think I could pull back for anything less than another child. And honestly, part of it was ego – I wanted to know that I could carry a baby to term, that I could nourish a child, that I could be a “real mom”. (I couldn’t admit that to myself at the time, but now I know it’s true.)

    But the biggest reason that we had a second child was that our family didn’t feel complete. It felt like there was an empty seat at the table all the time. The hand that wasn’t holding Pickle’s hand felt like it was reaching for someone. I felt like every time I called her name, there was a silent “and…..” hanging after it. Since Baby Bear was born, that feeling has gone away entirely. We feel complete, finished, rounded out. My hands are full, my table is full, my heart is full. I’m not superstitious or spiritual, but it feels like my soul was being called by two little souls, and now that they’re both here, the phone has stopped ringing.
    Little Miss Moneybags recently posted…Frugality in the momentMy Profile

    • Revanche says:

      I love that you knew what you needed to complete your family and that Baby Bear’s journey to join you went so much more smoothly.

  8. My brother is the only reason I survived my childhood. Seriously, growing up with terrible parents and being a fairly awkward introvert since their divorce, my relationship with him was the only one during my childhood (other than 1-2 brief mentor-type relationships with adults) that wasn’t completely fucked up. I could see having a sibling be good for your kid as someone that they can relate and understand the family hardship as you and your PiC get older. Obviously, your needs come first though as giving your child a sibling isn’t worth losing the sanity of the parent.
    Taylor Lee @ Engineer Cents recently posted…May 2015 – Monthly Spending UpdateMy Profile

    • Revanche says:

      I’m glad you had a good relationship with your brother to hold onto during that time. I can only imagine how rough that was.
      After Linda and your comments, I’m reminded of the huge responsibility we hold and hope we are always here in a good way for LB.

  9. Leigh says:

    My sibling and I are under two years apart and we definitely have had our moments of not getting along and both of us wishing we were an only child. I wish that a bit less now that we’re in our mid-twenties. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is reasonably close with his siblings and they all get along great, whereas I can go months without talking to mine.

    I don’t have any interest in having children. I don’t have maternal instincts, don’t like kids or babies, and am introverted enough that I can’t picture a world in which I could have a good relationship with a partner, maintain a full-time job, and have child(ren). There are also various genetic traits that I’m not sure I want to potentially pass on to children.
    Leigh recently posted…I don’t want kids.My Profile

    • Revanche says:

      That’s a great point: just because you have a reasonably good relationship with your siblings at some point still doesn’t mean you’ll be integral parts of each others’ lives.

      You’re in good company so far as I’m concerned: quite a lot of my friends either do or don’t like kids/babies, but they’re all in agreement in not wanting to have them. Makes sense to me.

  10. NZ Muse says:

    Meh. I have one sibling, reasonably big age gap, didn’t get along at all as kids, get along pretty well as grownups. But I don’t think I would have missed much without him. Like Leigh, typically we go months without talking. I do want 2 kids at this stage, but we shall see.
    NZ Muse recently posted…What constitutes ‘real’ savings?My Profile

    • Revanche says:

      It’s so interesting to me to see when siblings have a big age gap – about half the friends with that age gap get on great with the siblings and the other half are indifferent.

  11. middle class says:

    I would never have another kid (or kids) under the assumption that they will get along and be there for each other when my husband and I are gone. I wonder if there are any statistics on how siblings get along? I would imagine 30% hate/ 20% indifferent / 20% like and 30 % love, so basically 50/50. I’m in the indifferent camp but get along on a surface level.

    • Revanche says:

      That’s a great question – I’m curious too! I did wonder about why my (or any other) parents would have expected that we’d naturally get along. I don’t assume that about individuals who already have personalities much less as yet unformed personality-children!

  12. M’hijita, you make me want to weep.

    Well, in the first place, let’s consider the possibility that Dear Brother not only IS crazy as a loon but always WAS crazy as a loon. Extremely bad luck of the draw. We do not know what that draw is likely to bring should you decide to build a larger family, but it could be better than worse. Or…okay, the other way around.

    In the second place, if you want two children to see each other as siblings, you need to re-spawn within two or three years. Otherwise, what you have is two only children.

    That’s not necessarily bad, IMHO. I was an only child, and by and large glad of it. Thank heaven, I never had the headaches you’ve had to deal with. And on a less intense level: I never had to share my toys or my space or my parents’ attention with anyone else; I recognized that and deeply appreciated it. My parents could afford to send me to college, free and clear. My parents could afford to and did take me everywhere they went. I was, in effect, a short grownup. It was grand.

    On the other hand, now that they’re gone, I kinda think it would be nice if there were a brother or a sister to claim as family.

    From a parental point of view: they say the second child is usually much, much easier than the first. Some of them even sleep through the night from the git-go.

    But…that’s not a given. 😉
    Funny about Money recently posted…One of Those ARRRRGGGH!@#$%^ DaysMy Profile

    • Revanche says:

      I know he was always manipulative, starting from a really young age, but he seemed pretty clearly in control of his faculties for many years. Perhaps with an underlying psychopathy but generally he did things because he meant to and was on speaking terms with reality.

      Ah well. We’ll see how we feel in a few years! A lot can change 🙂

  13. Kris says:

    I am grateful to have my sister. And, horrid as this sounds, I think I’d die without her there to share parent-care things. You might decide not to do it biologically, but adopt instead, but I’d definitely spend some time considering it before shutting the door. You know all the variables you have to weigh in your family far better than I, of course, so take all this with a big fat grain of salt. 🙂

    • Revanche says:

      That doesn’t sound horrid at all – that’s how I imagined an ideal sibling relationship would be: you would be able to truly lean on each other! So of course you’d not be able to imagine doing the slog without him/her. <3

      We have time to decide, of course, so I'll be mulling it over carefully.

  14. Evil Bat Witch says:

    I am the oldest, by 5 years, of my sister and myself. I was an only for 5 years, and i remember not having to share, and being the family’s darling baby. My parents had Adrianne to “keep me company”. I couldn’t play with her for at least 3 years, so at 8, my friends and i would torture her with hide and seek games where she could never find us. Our parents divorced when we were 10 and 5, and i was more than bitter while she seemed to enjoy going to dad’s house. Having 2 homes was kinda fun for her.
    We were like our own individual “only” kids with our age gap, and for the fact that i moved to texas because my mother decided she couldn’t handle me anymore. A said frequently she raised herself, or TV did, one of the two.
    She decided early on she wasn’t having ANY kids because our parents were/are alcoholic, and the chance to screw up another kids life was a real concern. When i got pregnant at 19, though, she was there supporting me. We didn’t become close until we were both in our 20s. SHe eventually had an only child. My niece is the most amazing young woman, and she was a hyper intelligent child. I don’t think she regrets having an only.
    I eventually had 3. all unplanned. I wouldn’t trade any of them for the universe.
    My oldest has an only, they were planning for two, until her pregnancy was just so overwhelming, and the boy almost died because of the complications, she got her tubes tied. My son is married to a lovely young woman who doesn’t want kids. If she changes her mind, Hurrah! if she doesn’t, Hurrah! as long as they both are in agreement.
    My youngest daughter is in a relationship with a good man. I have no idea on her stance of babies, but i feel she’s been nannying so long, she might not feel compelled to procreate.
    I would resist the urge to give LB “a companion” for a reason to have another child. Have another because you’re willing and wanting to have 2 or more. If the pregnancy was so rough you’d rather not go through it again, adopt:D

    • Revanche says:

      So very true – you can get another dog to keep the first company and have that backfire. Don’t know why people tend to assume it’ll be perfectly fine with humans when we can be so wildly different from each other even between sibs. Weird blind spot we have, maybe. Very glad your sister ended up being there for you when you had yours. Support is so important.

  15. Blue says:

    there are three of us. I’m the oldest, my brother is two years younger and my sister eight years younger than that, so ten years younger than me. I’m not close to them, largely because I have a very different Temperment and interests. However, they are very close to each other, and always have been. They enjoy each other’s company and share a lot together. They live in the same state and their families visit back and forth frequently. I live about halfway across the country and see them in person about once a year. We keep up mostly on Facebook. (My parents drive across country to see me three or four times a year, and we talk frequently on the phone.)

    I’m not close, but I like them well enough. I’m glad I have them and that I’m not alone in the world.

    I have two adopted children. I chose to adopt a second time because I felt that the older one was unhealthily intense about me (and yes, we tried counseling first). I was still hesitant, but as the older got older and the personality became clearer, I saw that there were a lot of anxiety issues. I realized that if that child were the only one making care decisions for me in my dotage, the pressure would cause breakage. So I adopted a second child, choosing an older child to minimize the age gap. I can honestly say it was the right choice. Both children have blossomed. They aren’t always good friends, but I can see that they each have someone and they won’t be alone.

    They are both very close with their cousins, calling, texting, and using various social media to stay in touch. They also have close relations with their aunts/uncles, which I encourage. (I am very close to one aunt and one cousin from my large extended family.)

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge

This website and its content are copyright of A Gai Shan Life  | © A Gai Shan Life 2024. All rights reserved.

Site design by 801red