My kid and notes from Year 1.5
July 20, 2016
Lend me a hand?
Just two weeks ago, we were holding out our hands to JuggerBaby, either to assist an unsteady gait, or to lead zir the way we needed zir to go. Ze would sometimes take our hands and wobble along with us. Other times, ze tucked zir hands close to zir body with an “Ngh!” clearly refusing to be led. “I can do it! (but I won’t)” you see, on zir face.
Overnight, it seems ze can walk without wavering, without hesitation, though ze has zero concept of the proper way to navigate stairs and stay upright. Ze is now even running with that peculiar pace that wee kids use. Shoulders nearly up to zir ears, entire torso swinging left and right wildly,Ā angled nearly 45 degrees to the ground.
JuggerLB extends a hand expectantly. Makes eye contact, and as hand clasps hand, ze sets zir feet firmly, preparing for my resistance. Sometimes I cooperate and follow. Sometimes, I play limp noodle and resist. Ze is prepared for this, and digs in zir feet like a pro tugger-of-war. The stubborn is strong in this one.
I see a future of our wills clashing and smile. It’s inevitable to have some clashing but I hope that at least some of the time, they’ll be teaching moments: teaching zir how and when to stand up for zirself and be zir own advocate when it’s time for zir to spread zir wings and fly solo.
JuggerBaby has graduated from needing to be tickled (physically) to laugh and now finds the humor in things on zir own. We play games, like “bring me all your toys”, or “destroy everything” and either because of my expression, or my exclamations, ze will burst into laughter and try to get me to do it again. Role reversal of the best kind.
Good-bye, organization
A friend said of toddlerdom: say good-bye to anything staying in its place ever again. I did the mental equivalent of plugging my ears and shutting my eyes and pretended that wasn’t coming my way.
Sure enough, nothing is safe any longer. We often hear footsteps: pat. pat. pat. pat-pat-pat PAT-PAT-PAT as ze makes a dash for our bedroom and my nightstand. My side of the room has been off limits for months but now it’s too hard to keep zir from it. If you give chase you hear a cackle peel out as ze makes the final end run, bouncing off the dresser, crawling over Seamus’s bed, scaling the boxes to Baby-Ninja-Warrior zir way to the treasure trove that is my nightstand and bookshelf.
Every day and night, ze tries to check the nightstand just in case there’s something different there to inspect, taste, and steal.
Meal Negotiations
It’s amazing how such a little package can contain so much defiance and attitude. Ze knows the rule is that we sit when we eat, even if it’s just a quick snack and sitting on the ground. Ze sits just fine at a size appropriate table and chair at daycare.
And yet.
“Sit down and have a bite.”
Squats, opens mouth.
“Sit ALL THE WAY DOWN. I refuse to be responsible for you getting stabbed in the face with the fork.”
Plops down with a scowl. Bounces back up on zir heels before the fork is fully out of zir mouth.
And heaven help you if ze really wants something and you’ve said no. You’ll get a long stare, then ze will attempt to grab it anyway. Dodge the attempt and scolding “no” riles zir further and ze lunges again. This time for the nearest Mom flesh, not zir desired object, in order to sink seven sharp vindictive teeth in.
A strangled shout of “STOP THAT YOU DO NOT BITE ME!” is met with an unwavering glare and another attempt to bite. Never turn your back on zir. Ever.
Pure pigheaded defiance, this one.Ā
I remind myself that this is probably normal and assuming that ze lives to adulthood and I survive to see it, this pigheadedness and refusal to be cowed will likely serve hir well in this world of ours. A lot of ifs, if you ask me, but here I am, being patient, deep breathing and rubbing bite marks out of my arms.
The things we do for our kids.
We’ve tried this dozens of times but JuggerBaby has always held out against our bargaining. At the beginning, we would stand firm and insist that ze needed to eat as directed but we learned that a more flexible approach combined with some firmness and some humor made mealtimes a lot more bearable.
Ze remains a fan of dropping food overboard but now that ze is starting to understand simple cause and effect, I’m enforcing a new rule: if food is tossed, you’re done. Whether ze has had a full meal, or two and a half bites of zir snack, ze gets booted from the high chair the moment food is tossed on the ground.
After several repetitions, ze has gotten much better about it but that doesn’t mean meals are consumed with grace and alacrity.
We had burger night and ze was 100% focused on the juice boxes on the table. It was my treat, I usually drink water, but PiC wisely set one out for zir. The trick was in getting zir to eat food instead of sucking down the whole juice.
By the way, when I make burgers, I make baby sized burger patties especially for zir. It’s a thing I’m proud of. Next we need baby sized buns.
I dictated that ze had to eat TWO BITES before getting to sip the juice. I held out two fingers, and counted out loud, very firmly. At first, ze was defiant and insistent, shaking zir head NO at me very firmly and pointing at the juice. I replied, nope, two bites or no juice and went back to my meal. Ze called for the juice box again, and I repeated: 2 bites. Ready for one? Ze glared, then relented and nibbled on the burger bun. I praised the bite, “that’s one! One more.”
Ze chewed, mulling it over, then silently accepted when I offered another bite. Then decided to go for the gusto and launched zirself at the burger and snatched a dino-sized bite. We were on!
Ze willingly ate 2 bites per sip of juice for a while until I suggested a 3:1 bite to juice ratio, at which tyranny ze balked and decided ze would rather not eat or drink than to accept such unreasonable terms.
FINE. After I went back to the 2 bites rule, ze even relaxed enough to enjoy the burger normally, and stopped demanding the juice. I guess you can train a toddler!
It’s still hit or miss, honestly, but it’s a start!
Vegetables have been the least popular food group now that JuggerBaby has to chew all zir own food. I hate well-cooked vegetables but crisp vegetables are harder when a baby only has the tearing teeth and not the grinding teeth. We compromised with slightly more limp specimens than I like and we’re seeing more veggies go in the mouth without making a surprise reappearance.
When they’re sauced, ze will even clamor for more, so that’s motivation for me to stop being lazy with only steaming vegetables and learning to make a sauce.
We’ve decided not to care about zir very odd habit of dropping food into zir water cup, like a crow trying to raise the water level, or dipping zir food into water like Kobayashi with his hot dogs. If you want to eat waterlogged food, that’s fine with me.
We’ve also decided not to care about zir imitating Seamus at mealtimes. It’s faintly ridiculous but ze is still determined to eat and drink like big brother, cramming zir face into zir food bowl without using zir hands. It’s hard to decide if ze thinks ze is a puppy or that Seamus is human because ze does not act like he’s like any other dog.
Independence
Chatting with a neighbor while JuggerBaby struggled to pick snacks out of zir snack box, our neighbor offered to help zir out and quickly solved the puzzle. I didn’t mind, I just commented that normally I stand back and observe until JuggerBaby has exhausted all zir ingenuity and asks for help. And even then I might just point out a possible solution and encourage zir to keep trying.
Ze is still quite young but I want zir to develop a firm confidence in hir ability to eventually crack even the toughest nuts, occasionally with help, and learn that early frustration and failure aren’t good reasons to give up.
With food and books, ze is willing to batter the problem into submission but we see zir give up quickly with concepts like shapes and colors. Pondering how to fit one shape into another shaped hole, often ze will bypass the problem by opening the top of the container or hand it to one of us with an imperious “ah!” This may pass but it won’t if we don’t give hir the freedom and push to keep trying. It’s not that I worry ze will be seventeen and still unsure of the difference between a sphere and a hexagon. I worry that at seventeen ze will hit the base of a mountain, metaphorical or otherwise, and give up before ever taking the first handhold.
I’ve no idea how early children develop and firm up their willingness to face down frustration but I hope this all adds up.
LOL, a lot of this sounds extremely familiar, probably to any mom who’s survived the toddler stage. You will too. As soon as you think you’ve got JuggerBaby figured out, ze will change and some of the old battles will be exchanged for new ones. Zir sense of humor will definitely help all of you.
Emily @ JohnJaneDoe recently posted…5 Financial Talks to Have Before Your Kid Leaves For College
It’s a revolving door of habits, isn’t it? But strangely fun, despite the learning curve.
My almost-4 year old is a puppy, and my 9 year old gamely claims to be a kitty.
Yes, I was independent and yes that carried over.
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Oh that’s too cute. As long as there’s no peeing on things or chewing holes into other things, they can carry on being critters.
Did your parents do anything to encourage you to stay independent? I’m curious because I wasn’t and my parents pushed me to be a little both actively and through benign neglect but it didn’t take until I was a teen and well into my 20s, I think.
Our youngest REFUSED to eat until she was 18 months old. She subsisted on milk. I tried to pry her mouth open to force in some pablum, but to no avail. (And I got freaked out when I actually saw my finger marks on her cheeks from the attempts.) Now 17, she has just come back from her first trip. She has informed me that she now loves seafood and olives. Incredible! She who was SO strong headed in what she would not eat is now eating just about everything. It is REALLY tough to find that line between structure & tenacity on the one hand, and flexibility & accommodation on the other. You’re navigating uncharted territory – as all parents do. There are basic principles of wisdom that can be shared, but the application is entirely unique in each and every case. Bon voyage!
What a fantastic change! I have already learned that JuggerBaby MAY try most foods but there is simply no use for us to force it if ze is unwilling. Probably a good rule of thumb in parenting anyway.
I wasn’t independent at all (I was very, very cautious and very, very shy) but have developed into a human that *usually* gets what she needs/wants through sheer persistence, hard work, and dogged determination (when motivated!). When tested and needed, I also stand up for myself, and am very clear and stubborn with adversaries.
While I adore my parents and they are loving and wonderful and did the very best job that they could have, none of this was role modeled or valued/taught to me as a youngster.
I don’t think you need to worry–I’d bet your role modeling + healthy encouragement, praise, and rewards for persisting (rather than for accomplishment) are likely to result in the resilient qualities you want for zir. š And at an age much earlier than I developed them!
We were remarkably similar! It’s lucky we don’t rely solely on our parents for lessons in life when we get older – I hope to have a good network of resources for JuggerBaby as ze grows up so if ze doesn’t want to talk through something with me, there are still reasonable and responsible adults who will be that sounding board and advisor for zir.
This was so funny to read. My daughter was much the same, only that she ate (and pretty much continues to eat) everything in sight. She loves sweet peppers, olives, tomatoes, and pickles, and will pretty much eat them at every meal they’re offered. She’s not super into meat of any sort. But she’ll try anything once.
She’s also a mini-me, which of course means that we butt heads a lot. She is definitely my more stubborn child, and my more adventurous child, and my more mischievous child. I remind myself that these are all qualities that lead to long-term success (and mostly qualities inherited from yours truly), but they are NOT always easy to manage in a toddler.
My son, on the other hand, was a super chill tinytot, and continues to be a pretty chill big kid. He’s 5 now. I don’t argue with him about food much, even though he subsists mainly on carbs. I figure he’ll eventually grow out of it.
My kids also both insist on only crunchy vegetables. I’ve found serving them with a dip or sauce makes them go twice as fast. With all of Big Kiddo’s dental work recently, I’ve hesitated to serve them as much, but this phase will pass and then we’ll make up for it. Right?
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Right! At this point, we get as much healthy food into them as we can in the best case scenario and then next best is eating actual food at all š I was and still am a CARBS FOREVER eater, though I’ve learned to add other foods to that so there’s hope for them all! And then there’s balancing vision, dental, and health. I figure if they’re getting sustenance and balancing that with their health needs than we’re ok for a while.
We have to keep reminding ourselves that in an adult we value the qualities that are so tough to manage in toddlers š