My kid and notes from Year 1.8
October 19, 2016
Pardon my doting
But I adore this child. When ze was first born, the reviews were mixed. Ze looked like me, some said. Ze looked like him, said others. Never mind that, I sighed, how do you get zir to stop crying?
Ze got that from me if you believe the family canon. That and the face. And the fire. That nearly savage defiance is almost certainly from me.
It’s a peculiar thing in my family that certain facial features are incredibly pronounced in the first two to four years. It was long told that you couldn’t tell our matriarchal pack of cousins apart by voice or face comparing us at the same ages, male or female. There are still a few pictures I remember holding up to Mom and even she couldn’t tell which of us two kids it was. It didn’t help that we also shared the same hand me down yard sale clothes. Uncanny really, and the genes hold strong for yet another generation. For now, ze looks like every two year old in my family.
PiC twits me for my “vanity”, joking that I’m just admiring myself. “Sure I do, I’m great. But that kid’s not ME, that’s mini-me,” I retort. But it’s only a little bit true. This child did come from me but other than some superficial similarities I think (and hope) ze is a totally different person. Super finally, ze is far more compellingly attractive than I ever was, ze is brimming with personality and quirks. Where I was sullen, ze is vibrant. Where I was suspicious and shy, ze is curious and inquisitive. Sometimes even charming. Definitely wholly engaged with the world I only wanted to hide from. The whole combines to make a child photogenic in manifold ways. I was, and am, not. Which is ok given my personality, honestly but I wonder how well it’ll serve zir. A dear friend sighed, “Well. Ze will be a beauty, nothing we can do about that.” I had to laugh at that – but we both know that living with good looks can be more an impediment to good character than not.
I don’t recall what my good traits were from that time, other than “finally stopped crying all the time” and “obedient” and the person who might have remembered is long gone. Maybe that’s why I keep these notes. Someday I’ll share them so JuggerBaby might know what a challenge and a delight ze was.
We talk a lot about parenting and what we hope to share with zir. We hope ze has my sense and his way with people. We hope ze has the love of money that I have and the sense of responsibility that he has. We hope ze enjoys life like he did, that ze enjoys being zirself like I did. But that’s the hope we hold through the lens of our experiences.
I know that ze isn’t us 2.0, and zir experiences will be wholly zirs, not ours to retread. I hope we do a good job of supporting and guiding without alienating or enabling. I hope that ze avoids the uglier gifts of my family line. The depression, the bipolar disease, the preponderance of abuse issues. We’ll talk about them, in hopes ze is as well informed as ze can be, and so ze also knows to come to us first if ze has need.
Ze has a whole life ahead that ze will live and I hope love.
Of course, it’s not ALL good
We’ve been having a problem with biting for the past several months.
It started as something ze did for a reaction, for fun. This is how we went from “oh, weaning, maybe around a year or so” to “We’re done, keep those teeth away from me, take your a bottle.”
Let me tell ya, it did nothing good for my fears that ze will grow up into an adult sociopath when ze would grin, bite, then chuckle when you yell OW! Sometimes, ze would be overcome with baby belly laughs, and mock your “ow”: “aaaoohhwwww! heh heh heh heh oooohhhhwwwww!”
… It’s not funny!
Except zir laughter was contagious and ze wins again because everyone’s laughing and ze did it. Sigh.
And mostly ze was biting me so, not a big deal, except teeth happened and it flipping well HURT. Those bites were mainly out of frustration – ze would be angry that I was preventing zir from, say, licking the dog, or throwing a punch, or flipping over everything in sight. Ze would yell, and I don’t respond to yelling, so then ze would zoom in for the kill and chomp down on me. That sucker is quick, too, I know it’s coming and sometimes I still can’t block it.
The laughing at mouthy-biting stopped right quick when the anger biting started, and we’ve been working through all kinds of techniques. Let’s start with what doesn’t work: Saying “no” calmly. Saying NO loudly. Saying OW! Not reacting. Opening zir jaws like ze is a dog, not saying anything. Pulling away. Not pulling away.
What’s worked: NOTHING.
The teachers keep saying this is just a phase and it’ll pass when ze can talk, but in the meantime, I live in dread that ze is going to get zir little butt booted from daycare if ze doesn’t stop biting kids as communication. Generally it stems from an inability to know how to ask for toys, and other kids’ unwillingness to share. We don’t insist they always share but ze doesn’t understand kids who don’t proactively offer to share like ze often does. Ze doesn’t share everything but almost always offers something, and I’ve noticed a shift in zir behavior from willingly offering to being more guarded and refusing to offer since ze has been playing more with these kids. Maybe it’s just a phase they’re all going through, but I’m pretty sure the company has a lot to do with it too since you see zir behavior adapt to the company ze is in.
Parenting skills: boogers boogers everywhere
Everyone I know swears by the NoseFrida snot-sucker. If this works for your kid, you’re clearly blessed by some deity. For MY kid, if you even pick up the thing and look at zir, ze will scream blue-brown-grey-purple murder. It doesn’t matter if ze has lost the ability to breathe like a normal human, that snot-sucker and the saline isn’t coming near zir.
FINE. So I very quickly squish zir nose like I’m pinching it shut several times, gently, and voila! The boogers come out. No fuss, lots of muss, but whatever, the boogers are removed.
We love …
Games
Chase, AKA, I’m a monster, I’m going to get you. If you’re too slow, ze will come back to get you. If you wander off, ze will come back to get you. Mind, you’re the monster in this scenario.
Tickle my toddler. JuggerBaby will shriek with laughter, then say “no”. I always stop when ze says no. Then ze looks at me and points at the tickle-spot: you may resume. Rinse, repeat.
Find my toes. Ze stretches out zir feet, as far as ze can, and waggles zir foot. Where’s my foot? Do you see my foot? Touch zir toe with one finger and ze collapses with laughter.
Where’s my belly button, do you have a belly button? Flip shirt up. Stick head under nearest adult’s shirt to check if they also have the elusive belly button. Check the dog’s belly. Where’s his button?? (Seamus: STOP.)
Favorite book
Nursery Rhyme Comics, published by First Second. We don’t love all of the nursery rhymes but with 50 to choose from, who needs to? Ze can sit through three read-throughs of this book. Ze loves Three Little Kittens, Three Blind Mice, Pat-a-Cake, Rock-a-bye Baby. Ze is not creeped out by Mike Mignola’s Solomon Grundy but PiC is. Personally, I think Georgie Porgie’s a jerk and I’d have punched him in the nose.
Lunch things: bento boxes
I’m in love with bento boxes, conceptually, and having to get JuggerBaby a new set of lunch gear was right up my alley. You wouldn’t believe the hours of research that I put in to find the perfect lunch set but we’re very exacting people when it comes to buying containers.
Our requirements: leakproof, insulated, stackable, microwavable, dishwasher-friendly, the right size for JuggerBaby’s lunches from now until ze is 5 (aka not too big, not too small, juuust right).
After a few false starts, I happened across the InnoBaby brand. While it doesn’t fit the microwave-friendly requirement, we can work with that because it’s excellent on all other fronts.
It’s been FANTASTIC. It’s secured by four clips, one on each side, and the metal tray stacked within the plastic box holds in cold or heat for hours. This also means that despite JuggerBaby’s habit of shaking zir lunch like it’s a mysterious Christmas present, it remains intact and non-leaky for the rest of the day.
We’ve sent some good lunches to daycare, if I do say so myself! Certainly better than the hot lunch option they’re providing.
- Box 1, grapes, strawberries; Box 2, cheesy pasta w/veggies
- Box 1, banana, hummus and 3 pieces of pita bread; Box 2, fried rice with veggies
- Box 1, banana, strawberries; Box 2, baked beans and cornbread
- Box 1, cherries, grapes; Box 2, meatloaf and pasta primavera
- Box 1, mango, yogurt; Box 3, turkey cheese sandwich
Have you tried teaching zir sign language? Some parents teach actual ASL, but in my experience, random gestures work equally well, as long as the family understands and uses them consistently. Again, only my experience, but a lot of toddler misbehaving seems to be frustration at not being able to communicate.
We do baby sign and also JuggerBaby invented signs but it’s not enough. Ze doesn’t have the sign vocabulary ze needs, and it doesn’t help with other kids who don’t understand zir signs. Plus sometimes I think ze just wants the sign for “you SUCK” and that’s maybe related to the biting.
I can’t speak for day cares everywhere; obviously policies vary from one to another. But Baguette went through a biting phase. She didn’t do it a lot, and she got bitten more than she bit, but there was one time that she just savagely bit another child.
We knew biting was a normal developmental stage, but this seemed excessive. And we felt horrible for the other child and parents, because we could imagine how angry and frightened we would be in their shoes. We met with the day care director to find out what we should be doing at home, and she was extremely reassuring about everything. She told us that they had never removed a student from the center for biting.
So I have no idea what your day care’s policies are, but if the teachers are reassuring you, they’re probably speaking from their experience not only with students, but with how the center handles it.
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Yeah, I think the center is pretty reasonable in that they report every incident, and they work with us but we feel like we’ve hit this wall where it’s not clear how to get through to zir and I know that at some undefined point, they do have a policy that they remove kids for biting. We are scheduling a meeting to get a sense of whether we need to worry that we’re near that point or not.
I love bento boxes!
When I retire, we’re going to have the cutest picnic bento lunches if it kills me. Just once, at least, spending a ridiculous amount of time preparing food that looks like cartoons. Or spaceships. Or whatever is super trendy on pinterest at the time. #goals
May I request photos when you do this? I love properly prepared bento boxes.