My kid and notes from Year 3.1
April 30, 2018
Viral
This flu season is particularly terrible with a death toll. We’d all gotten our flu shots early but we also stayed away from humanity as much as possible. It didn’t save us from the common cold, of course, one of the lesser scourges of having a preschooler attending a daycare where only fevers and vomiting are stay home worthy. Generally it’s ok, we’ve gotten through the worst of it in year one but I’m still pretty cautious and don’t share food and drink with JB if ze is dribbling fluids. We’re really lucky that ze has been relatively robust, certainly more so than I am, and recovers well or has been only lightly touched by most germs but even still, those nights when ze can’t stop coughing rend my heart. Ze is having one such night so I’m sitting up cuddling a bundle of mostly sleeping three year old so that, even if the propping up doesn’t help zir breathing and coughing, ze knows I’m here and loving on zir. It’s almost more for me than zir. I miss my mom fiercely, never more so than when I’m sick or hurting to the point of vomiting, and long to lay my head on her lap. I understand now why she was sad that I didn’t do so as a young adult, when I was busy trying to carry a burden twice my size. At the time, I didn’t think I could afford to need my mom. I had to be strong every minute lest a crack in my shields break them wide open. All the more my loss. I could have gotten and given comfort that I’ll never have again. Now, with my own child, I know to hold on tight on these late nights when maybe all the comfort I can give is being a human pillow. That’s fine. As long as ze still wants me, I’m here to be zir pillow.
Managing meltdowns: the return of the tantrums
We had to step up our parenting skills this month. Ze has been particularly sensitive to being rushed, especially the associated loss of control, and reacts rudely with snippiness or just plain falling apart.
In turn, we were just existing in a miasma of frustration and that meant we were always starting off on the wrong foot in dealing with the tantrum. We instinctively cracked down, even harshly, because we took the meltdowns WAY too personally. It should not have gotten under our skins like that but we’d both lost sight of the fact that just because ze normally functioned like a relatively normal human, ze isn’t a fully emotionally developed adult yet. The tantrums were a signal, not just a tool to wholly enrage and frustrate us.
We still don’t let zir get away with tantruming of course but we’ve put ourselves through a refresher course in being firm and flexible.
While we grew up in the school of hard knocks where protesting was authoritatively crushed out of you, we would rather have a kid that chooses to cooperate and be polite out of a strong sense of self, not fear.
We had a few incidents where both we parents and child were all tired and frustrated, so when zir temper ran high, we struggled to get our footing again. We had to remind ourselves that while some tantrums are simply nonsensical, ze isn’t normally Veruca Salt. We needed to remember a few basics: be very clear about expectations, give zir a little space and time to make the right decisions (breathe!), have clear and sensible consequences when ze slips up, don’t give zir what ze wants when ze tantrums for it.
An example: ze was quite upset over not getting chocolate for breakfast one Saturday morning. I woke up to a cranky rude mouthy child. Instead of flaring right back at zir, I calmly told zir that I would like to share some with zir but the sad fact was, ze had whined and cried for it. And do we get what we want by whining and crying?
No.
What do we do?
We ask politely.
That’s right. So we’re going to try again in fifteen minutes.
Then – redirect to new activity.
I gave the first lesson in dishwashing and ze was so good about listening to instructions and following them … until ze wasn’t. I realized that it wasn’t willfulness, zir attention span had just run out and ze only had enough to focus on the task at hand, not to listen to me AND do the washing. So we stopped that activity, to much grousing and whininess, went to the bathroom to have a micro timeout to reset the temper, and then come out to do something else.
The same exact thing played out the next time we practiced washing dishes. While ze normally tells me “I’m all done now” with a game or a task that isn’t all engrossing, ze doesn’t have that self awareness when it comes to stopping dishwashing. So after about twelve minutes of really good listening, things start going downhill and I stop them again. Stopping before it spirals out of control means that zir temper resets immediately and we get to start at square one again. Otherwise we have an enraged orangutan splashing and throwing things in a fit of upset.
We’ve also had multiple conversations about whining and crying to get our own way. We never give in to the tiny terrorist – but we do explain firmly and calmly why so that ze can mend zir ways to immediate effect. And sometimes not immediate effect. Sometimes even if you’re polite, the answer is still no, and you have to find a way to be ok with that.
I want milk!
Yes, I know you want milk. I’d like to give you milk but unfortunately you cried and whined for it instead of asking politely so I can’t give it to you. When you come back and ask me politely, I can give it to you.
Ze and I have had this talk about seven times so we’re now back on the same page and I only have to give zir a look when the whining starts or just point out that ze has reverted to demand-whining so it was time to make a better choice.
We’re making progress.
New lessons and skills
We’ve been introducing culture specific manners to JB since ze was very little and this month we had occasion to add a new one. When we had a dinner visitor, we had a special mochi-sized dessert. Normally “dessert” is just a bowl of cut fruit that ze demolishes, but with the fancy dessert, and JB’s eyes the size of saucers, we prompted zir to offer some to our visitor. With a moment of hesitation, ze offered the plate, clearly taking a leap of trust that we weren’t giving to Milton zir. Next was Dad, then me, then ze got to pick. We were proud that ze didn’t whine or waffle (much), but I was even prouder when ze noticed that PiC finished his little dessert and proactively offered him a second one, and then offered me a second one as my last bite was swallowed. Clearly ze had done the math and knew that good behavior guaranteed zir second dessert bite!
See last month for zir current responsibilities.
Precious moments
This is why JB isn’t afraid of me the way my baby cousins were:
“How did you do that?” said Nanny Ogg.
“Simple,” said Granny. “He knows you wouldn’t make his daft head explode.”
“Well, I know you wouldn’t, too.”
“No you don’t. You just know I ain’t done it up to now.”
JB: people eat people
PiC; no!! People don’t eat other people! We eat plants. Sometimes other animals.
JB: we eat fishies!
PiC: yes
JB: and we eat p’ants and we eat fishies and we eat udder people
Us: NOOOO WE DO NOT
JB coughs to clear zir throat. Eyes light up: mommy! Tan I have some Zarbees? Betuz I am coughing so I need Zarbees.
Me: you are a cough syrup addict.
JB: …. nooooooo. I not. I coughing. *forces a cough*
JB: YOOK! Ah’m taw! *compares height to me*
Me: Yes, you are!
JB: Ah’m getting tawyer and tawyer and when I am dis taw, I get a BIG KNAIFE!
Me: I am concerned about your priorities!
I have a 4 1/2 year old and 1 1/2 year old. When my older one started daycare, I think he was home sick more than he was in school! When he got the flu, I was deathly afraid that he’d pass it on to little bro. I think I snatched the Chrysanthemum box drink from my little one that his older brother drank from just in time cause I was resigned to the fact that he would get the flu too. There was also a winter snowstorm and running to multiple drugstores to find Tamiflu.
Anyways, I definitely agree with you about parenting and past experience with the hard knocks that Asian parents are known for. That wasn’t how I wanted to raise my kids. I wasn’t going to let them walk all over me but I wanted them to respect me not fear me. I’ve listened to a podcast called Parenting Beyond Discipline and I find the host gives good insight. Some tips off the top of my head she mentions is to give them choices (not too many) so they feel like they have some control. She says to teach kids to express their emotions and explain what they’re feeling because one main cause of tantrums is because they aren’t able to express what they feel. Another is to not lose your cool, because they will mirror your emotions.
Yes – we do our best to offer JB choices, though that also frequently backfires: http://agaishanlife.com/2017/05/life-lesson-always-see-option-c/
We need to get better at talking to zir about how to express emotions, though. Ze doesn’t seem to have the vocabulary to say ze is frustrated or unhappy, ze just lashes out.
Oh you’re a good mom! I was not so calm and philosophical about my toddlers’ tantrums. I was much less so about adolescent tantrums. To use your words, I “took the meltdowns WAY too personally.” Well done! You are wise parents. (And I know your mom would be very, very proud of you.)
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Well, I’m calm NOW 😉 It’s hard, but we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over until we’ve built the good habit.
You’re already a great mom, and this kid is just starting out. Lucky little person, that one!
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Boy I hope you’re right! We’re doing the best we can.
Our mornings and weekends are too crowded right now for Baguette to do chores, but we have started “weekend jobs.” She’s got a small list, including “fold laundry.” Mr. Sandwich and I still do most of that, but I have her help with towels and blankets. More will come.
We don’t have regular chores yet, as such, but we have chores that ze is expected to be familiar with and pitch in at the time we need to do them. Ze is well trained enough to run to bring me hangers when I start folding laundry, for example, and will then take the hung up clothes to the correct closets.
A big knife!!!!! 😅
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I should have written it the way ze said it: KNAIIIFEEEE