When your brain is chomping on the bit ….
January 21, 2019
I’m having a bit of a patience problem.
- I’ve almost closed out the 2018 budget but there’s one last check to be cashed from December 1st (when is it ok to tell someone to take their damn money already??)
- I was fortunate enough to have a choice between maxing out our IRAs this year right away or investing more in our brokerage so I did the former to get it out of our hair.
- I’ve calculated our expected cash flow for the first three months of 2019 and scheduled automatic savings to reflect that.
- I’ve calculated our expected large expenses for the year and scheduled automatic savings to cover them over the course of the year.
What’s left?
Mostly the everyday things.
- Working my job every day with attendant frustrations so I can keep earning that paycheck that feeds our savings and investing.
- Feeding my family – meal planning, grocery shopping, thinking about diet stuff.
- Walking the dogs – training Sera, making sure Seamus has every possible health need covered.
- Making sure to the best of our abilities that JB grows up to be a good and decent human. We also need to get zir into some sports and activities to be a bit more well-rounded and make a few more friends.
- Reading all the good books I can reach (more more more!)
- We’ve got one big trip for later this year to be planned out. After that? Probably staying close to home for a while. Now that Seamus is showing his age (his hearing is suspect, his eyesight seems to be less sharp, he’s definitely much crankier) we’re going to curtail international travel so we can spend this time with him.
These are good things. I’m enjoying them. I’d like to enjoy more of them. I’d like to be out in the garden ripping out the rest of those weeds now that the rains have softened the previously rock hard ground.
I should be pretty content.
Instead, the past few weeks, I’ve been obsessively sitting here staring at our accounts, glaring at them to sprout 100x their income as if Power Stare is a method of investment growth (it’s not). I’ve been cranky and impatient.
What’s the problem?
I’m not sure. I’m very impatient with everything right now. In part because of the state of the country, I’m fatigued by all the bad stuff going on and I know we’re in this for the long haul. I don’t have a whole lot of hope for much good change in the future. I wonder what kind of world we’re going to be facing in 5, 10, 15 years. I’m disheartened, but I am still determined.
In part because I’m inundated with a sense of What ELSE should I be doing?! What other steps do I have to take to ensure we can retire early? So I don’t have to spend 40-50 hours a day working a desk job instead of doing the good daily things that matter to us? I don’t hate my job but I hate that I’m spending all this time on it instead of things that matter more to me.
I’m suddenly so impatient for my efforts to bear fruit, financially.
But where is this coming from? We have life goals that cost money. We chose those goals, together, and we are working as a team to achieve them knowing they are long term goals. We have decent enough health right now. Heck, mine is better than it’s been for two decades though I still have a long way to go to reach “good” health. Unfortunately PiC’s dealing with a joint problem that’s got both of us a bit worried but it’s manageable. We have good jobs with good income (but those may go away at any time, I know this well). We’ve made a ton of progress separately and together in the past ten years. Who knows what the next ten will bring?
That bit right there, what will the next ten bring?, is probably what’s got my goat.
I’m a planner and a pessimist by nature. So…
A) There’s far too much uncertainty in our immediate futures. I don’t read the last pages of books to get to the answer faster but I do read as fast as I possibly can to get to the end so I can be sure the protagonist survives and the villains are punished. I suspect that I would peek, if I could, into our futures even because I have this need to know.
I know we’re facing a recession. That much is certain. Staying the course with our existing jobs and our savings plan to ride it out, as long as we can, is just common sense. That much I know.
But I hate the uncertainty surrounding these jobs, you know, the ones we need to meet our goals in less chaos. His company is still contemplating more layoffs and the health of mine is still (always) a little bit in question. These jobs have the right amount of flexibility and that is hard to find. We do ok but, from year to year, we know things could change dramatically.
B) I want to know and plan and prepare because, historically, every time I should or could be happy, something bad would come along to derail it and it would cost money to boot. We’re talking death, cancer, more cancer, lies, etc. Now that we’ve achieved a level of happiness I literally hadn’t considered possible in my lifetime, I’m unconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. Heck, I didn’t even think I’d live this long, and if I did, I assumed I’d be bedridden and impoverished because my rate of pain increasing year to year between 2000-2008 had me on the bleakest trajectory. The world is on fire but our tiny personal spheres aren’t terrible and that’s unsettling.
C) I hate that PiC’s dealing with a health issue. I’ve got three tons of health issues, isn’t that enough for one couple? Can’t he possibly be spared this crap?
D) I have some ethical issues with my job right now in terms of internal operations and I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it specifically other than leave. But so many aspects of this job suit my needs it’s hard for me to want that to be the solution.
Maybe this is less an issue of patience than it is unease. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel vulnerable when I’m not in motion or I don’t know who the enemy is. Staying the course calmly, without expecting to get slammed by a financial linebacker, is an unfamiliar feeling. Admitting that makes a big difference. It helps me realize that this may be a “take a deep breath” situation more than a take action situation which is hard to do when you’re spinning around in your own head trying to make contingency plans ten feet deep.
That’s not to say that lists aren’t going to play a role in feeling better. Spreadsheets and to do lists are my jam. And butter! With a sprinkle on top.
We all go through these tough periods sometimes. You just have to take it one day at a time and do your best to get through it. 2019 will be pretty crazy for us too. We’re selling 2 condos, moving, taking another extended trip to Thailand to help with my mom, and all the other day to day craziness. Life is messy and complicated. Let’s hope it’ll be simpler someday. Take care of yourself and your family. Best wishes.
Joe recently posted…Can My Wife Retire Early?
There have been tougher years, I bet my psyche is just stuck in that *geared up* mode.
I hope your mom is settling in well!
My main indicators that I’m stressing too much are physical– I have psoriasis and GI issues that both emerge/get worse if I’m stressed. I generally don’t realize how stressed I am until the symptoms start. I’m really bad at assessing how I’m doing– I often don’t pay much attention to how bothered I am by things until my system starts freaking out at me. It’s not my favorite personal trait.
So for me, Step 1 is to deal with the physical stuff–take medications, use creams, and lay down if the GI stuff is being particularly painful.
Step 2 is usually to really think about what’s bugging me and how I can step down the stress levels asap. Sometimes that means quitting a stressor– I went on a news hiatus about a month after September 11th happened because the psoriasis went from 0 to the worst it ever was during that month. Sometimes it means seeking longer-term help– I started seeing a counselor because a doctor suggested it after she observed that my GI symptoms flared right in front of her every time she asked about my personal life. Sometimes it means deciding to stop focusing on the big priorities that have been eating all of my time and spend some hours/days dealing with the underlying junk that I haven’t had time for. Sometimes it means talking to a person who’s a main source of the stress or who’s feeding it with their own stress, which is something I hate and will put off as long as possible, but sometimes have to do anyway.
And a shadow Step 2 is to deliberately make space for R&R, which mostly consists of reading novels. Ideally in a bathtub. This is because real R&R is a way to take a break from the stress while I’m dealing with it… and taking a break from helps give me a reset.
It sounds like you have a real handle on how to read your needs and stressors!
I feel like when I’m really spiraling, I tend to miss the obvious answers to “where are these feelings coming from” that are right in front of me. Part of this has been due to a high tolerance for delayed gratification. “Oh I know work sucks, but all work sucks and it’ll get better, I just need to stick through it.” I delay looking at something for so long because I feel like I can’t afford to veer off course, that I try to seek remedy in places where all I could ever really expect is coping.
One of the habits, for better or worse, I’ve started to develop is gearing into action slightly before getting to the bottom of my feelings. Because really my gut has known for a long time what’s wrong before my future-thinking brain is wont to admit it.
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I miss them too! I think it’s the same reason, I just ignore the pain until it’s too bad to ignore. That’s not a good habit.
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I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I often fear factors beyond my control. I think much of it is the result of experiencing health problems at an early age. I suppose the universe has already taught me that things can happen even when all my ducks are in a row. It sounds like the universe has shown you the same. Just know that you are not alone in this feeling. I’ve recently turned to a meditation app first thing in the morning and just before bed. Sometimes I just need a reminder to breathe. Maybe you could find something to calm your mind?
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Thank you – it is true that the lifelong health problems have affected my outlook!
I feel you here. I’ve been a little too distracted with baby to spend a lot of time worrying, but when I have a few moments, the worry can creep in. Sorry to hear PIC is having health issues :/
Spreadsheets help with some of the unease, but it is hard to know where it stems from. Life is uncertain.
SP recently posted…Parenthood: 3 months
So much uncertainty, I don’t know why it bothers me so much!
I think I can speak for everyone that we all go through this. With so much going on it can feel overwhelming. But I think with a few ‘take a deep breath moments’ you can deal with everything one at a time. It will be tough but I believe you can do it. All the best!
LOTS of deep breaths and good friends to chat with 🙂
I can so, so relate. What’s been helping lately are tiny daily actions: meditating (10 minutes), journaling, walking. . . or, just little steps towards my goals, so I feel like I’m making positive momentum. For example, one of my goals is to make photobooks in 2019. We have SO many pictures, and zero photo albums. So, when I’m traveling for work & jetlagged & feeling like I’m making zero progress on my life or goals, & getting bitter with my job. . . I can delete photos off of my phone. Or, journal for 10 minutes. It helps. Not a huge amount, but a little.
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Yes! I started tweeting a thread of good things each day to focus on the small positives and not on the big picture worries.